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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for this ticket

127 replies

SquashedToes · 09/04/2019 13:10

DD (15)'s friend bought her a ticket to a 'meet the celebrity' type event for her birthday (£30) about a month ago, friend did check beforehand it was ok. Last week something came up which means DD can no longer go, event was 2 weeks away at that point. DD told her friend and gave her the ticket back, friend has now asked her to pay for it as she can't find someone else to go. AIBU to not pay friend for ticket or should I just pay?

OP posts:
NWQM · 09/04/2019 14:38

Presumably the cooling of the friendship - whether OP's DD has actually said anything or not is all part of it. The giver is probably very hurt & not understanding why the DD is dumping her. As parents we get it - and would possibly encourage it - but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt the person losing their friend. They didn't just buy the present but checked it out.

I don't think you have to pay it back but the upset felt.

RoseMartha · 09/04/2019 14:42

I can see both sides and would be inclined to offer half as a good will gesture.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/04/2019 14:42

It's a gift - it's up to the receiver if they use it or not.
And it was not also a special event for DD and friend to spend time together, friend was going with someone else anyway.
DD is not demanding the friend gets her another gift, as she cannot use the ticket, is she? (If she is then yes she should definitely pay for the ticket).

Itssosunny · 09/04/2019 14:42

I would pay but take the ticket. DH wouldn't pay and then he would be surprised at why the relationship went sour.

Acis · 09/04/2019 14:43

Given that your daughter is nearly 15, I don't follow why the only reason she can't get there is that she needs a lift from you?

Hercules12 · 09/04/2019 14:46

Dd is 15 too and I'd definitely give the other girl the money without being asked. The shoplifting wouldn't bother me either as I don't think that's unusual and also nothing to do with this scenario anyway.

Claw01 · 09/04/2019 14:48

Reastie OP has stated she could have arranged a lift to get her dd there. Her dd does not want to go due to the shoplifting incident.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/04/2019 15:00

I initially thought YWBU because it sounded like the friend had arranged for the two of them to go to this event and bought two tickets but now your DD can’t go the friend wouldn’t be going either. In which case, generally I would say, yes, you should pay if you can.

But your update made it sound like the friend is still going with a third friend. In which case, no, you shouldn’t pay. Friend isn’t missing out. She’s out of pocket the price of the gift, but she was always out of pocket the price of the gift, she still gets her experience.

I think the shop lifiting is a separate reason for your DD to not to want to go, and I think it’s a reasonable one and one that would not require any reimbursement even if it stopped friend attending too. But it’s one you have to own “Sorry, friend, I really appreciated the ticket and would have loved to go, but I’m too worried about what you’ll do when we’re out”. Or even “Sorry, friend, my mum won’t let me come anymore, because of the shoplifting thing. She says we can only hang out at my house.”

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 15:08

In normal circumstances you should of course pay.

But as this is a birthday gift, then it's very odd to request to pay, it was a gift and you don't ask people to pay for gifts.

Are you sure though that the intention was this was gift, and not just something they both agreed to do on her birthday and the intention. Was she was always going to pay? Thirty quid is a lot for a fifteen year old to spend on a birthday gift.

At the end though, I'd pay. But I suspect there is a miscommunication here and this was simply something they both intended to do and the intention was always your daughter was to pay. And for some reason she doesn't wish to tell you what she agreed.

XXcstatic · 09/04/2019 15:15

the friend would not have bought the ticket if your DD hadn’t said she was free

This is the key point. £30 is a lot of money for a 15 year old.

Are you legally obliged to pay? Of course not. Are you morally obliged? 100%. The friend has lost out - because she thought she was getting your DD along to an event and now she isn't.

The shop-lifting sounds like a fairly pathetic excuse tbh. It's no good trying to get on the moral high ground about that when you've just stiffed a 15 year old for £30. I think I'd rather have a DD who is a silly teenage shop-lifter than a crap friend.

Hercules12 · 09/04/2019 15:32

I agree re better dd is silly shoplifters than flaky friend not o can't do bold!

Gabrielknight · 09/04/2019 15:32

Do not pay for the ticket!!!! It was a gift.

Drum2018 · 09/04/2019 15:34

If you do end up paying for the ticket make sure to get the actual ticket from the friend (if not already given to dd) and try to sell it yourselves. Otherwise the friend could sell it on while also taking money from your dd.

BlackSatinDancer · 09/04/2019 15:38

OP's DD doesn't want to get wrongly tarred with same brush as her friend who is a thief which, to me, is admirable. That is not being a flaky friend. I would be pleased if my DD had that attitude. On the other hand I wouldn't be pleased if my DD was stealing.

Rachelle11 · 09/04/2019 16:05

Is it your dd's birthday or the other girls birthday?

I think you should pay. It sounds incredibly flaky to cancel on the girl now, I don't see why your dd can't just get a ride with her friends?

Welcometotherock · 11/04/2019 00:28

For me it would depend on whether the friend would usually spend £30 on your DDs birthday and where the money had come from, the girl or her parents.

I had this done to me years ago and it was awful.
My Mum bought concert tickets for a huge boyband at the time for me and knowing I wouldn't want to go alone did similar. Good tickets too.

The band had a style change and the kid, under pressure from another friend who had been jealous in the first place, decided not to go rather than look uncool.

My Mum was fuming. She had tried to do something nice and was out of pocket too, yes I had someone else to go with but it soured the event.

HerRoyalNotness · 11/04/2019 00:46

The money isn’t wasted in the sense that if your Dd goes or not the money has been spent on a GIFT. Your DD is the one who has lost out by not being able to go.

The friend should try to sell the ticket on herself. I wouldn’t refund her.

PregnantSea · 11/04/2019 01:12

You shouldn't pay, but your daughter definitely should.

XXcstatic · 11/04/2019 23:39

Let's imagine this was a comparable AIBU from an adult:

AIBU: I bought 2 friends tickets so all three of us could go to a concert for Friend A's birthday. I spent £200 per ticket. I checked in advance that Friend A was able to go, but now she's saying 'something has come up' and she can't. When I pressed her, she said it was because I recently got caught speeding, and she's worried I'll do it again, even though I've promised I won't. She won't refund me the money because she says I haven't lost anything. IABU to feel upset?

I don't think there is a single poster who would say she was BU. But somehow it's OK to let down a 15 year old, because 'something came up'? Bollocks.

BlueCornishPixie · 12/04/2019 00:02

I think that whilst it's a gift, this girl is 15 and £30 is a lot of money to a 15 yr old.

She checked the DD was free first and has spent quite a bit of money on her, I think it's quite cruel to not pay her, because she's a child. Imagine being 15, checking your friend is free and buying her a thoughtful quite expensive ticket or for her to bail 2wks in advance? If I did this to my friend I would offer to pay, because I know If be quite upset if I were the 15yr old.

Part of the present is the girl taking the DD to the event, it's not just the ticket.

Bigbus · 12/04/2019 00:04

My mother always taught me that if you agree to do something you have to do that thing, even if something better comes up (obviously there are some situations when cancellation is truly unavoidable). The reasons for not going to this event as described are spurious. DD seems to have just changed her mind and you are helping her to do so. She and you agreed that she was free to attend this event, her friend spent £30 on this as a gift (a not inconsiderable amount for a 15 yo) specifically because your DD said she could attend. Personally I think she should still go (unless the friend is bullying her, of course, which is a different matter altogether).

vintanner · 12/04/2019 00:25

It was a gift.
The friend is going anyway, with someone else and always has been.
So there will be an empty seat, so what?
The ticket is your daughters, she can do whatever she wants, to go or not to go, up to her.
I don't think you have to pay.

BackforGood · 12/04/2019 00:29

Last week something came up which means DD can no longer go

Unless it is that she has been called into hospital for an awaited operation or something, then this is what I'd be talking to my dd about. If you have committed to something, you would be expected to say to the "better offer" that came along later, "sorry, I'm already elsewhere on that night".

Now

If - as per your drip feed - your dd actually wants to disassociate herself from this girl because she has been shoplifting, then she should say so. I mean, say so to the girl that was caught shoplifting. That is an entirely different scenario, and I think you would have got different answers if you had asked that question.

However, to the question you asked, then yes, you should reimburse her. She checked before buying it, and that is a lot of money to then lose because your dd is being flakey. Personally, I would then get the money back off your dd, but that is another question. I wouldn't let the friend be out of pocket though.

Greeborising · 12/04/2019 00:37

I think it’s very poor tbh.
Your daughter agreed well in advance that she was free to attend this event.
It was a present and the friend was not only out of pocket but also left with no one to go with her to something she had planned for months and probably was looking forward to.
The VERY LEAST you can do is is give her the money for the ticket.
The feeling of being let down and that you perhaps aren’t that important to someone because they promised to join you and ‘something’ came up so they couldn’t is really shitty.
Do I sound bitter much?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 12/04/2019 00:56

It's good that you've decided to reimburse your DD's friend, OP, as it's the right thing to do. Also, have a word with your DD about not letting people down in future and double checking dates before committing to things in future.

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