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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for this ticket

127 replies

SquashedToes · 09/04/2019 13:10

DD (15)'s friend bought her a ticket to a 'meet the celebrity' type event for her birthday (£30) about a month ago, friend did check beforehand it was ok. Last week something came up which means DD can no longer go, event was 2 weeks away at that point. DD told her friend and gave her the ticket back, friend has now asked her to pay for it as she can't find someone else to go. AIBU to not pay friend for ticket or should I just pay?

OP posts:
almondykess · 09/04/2019 14:06

Also, i do feel a bit bad for your daughter's friend, because she intended to buy your daughter a nice present, but now she isn't able to. Would she be socially expected to buy another present for your daughter to replace the one she couldn't give? If so, she is out of pocket.

Claw01 · 09/04/2019 14:07

I'm interested that some posters think the shop lifting is not relevant. I probably could have made some arrangement to get DD there but DD was quite clear (rightly so in my view) that she did not want to be out with this friend if there was a risk she would be stealing as she didn't want to be in trouble herself. The friend does not seem remorseful about it. I'm not trying to derail the thread, but I do think it is a relevant point.

I would think it highly unlikely the friend got caught the very first time she shoplifted. Also lack of remorse for doing it.

Hard to believe this friends ‘character’ happened overnight or only since buying the ticket 2 weeks ago!

Good on your dd for wising up. However, she could have said no to the ticket when asked, if girl is a ‘bad un’!

BlackSatinDancer · 09/04/2019 14:08

On looking at other posts it appears I have understood correctly. I'm a bit surprised by the reaction of others who don't view the ticket as a gift.

I understand your DD's position of not wanting to be judged by association with a shoplifter. Has she returned the ticket to her friend because she fears the money to buy it may have been come by dishonestly?

SpeckleDust · 09/04/2019 14:12

YANBU and I’m surprised at how many people have said that you should pay for a returned birthday gift Confused

HeathRobinson · 09/04/2019 14:12

I think it's ridiculous to pay for this BIRTHDAY GIFT ticket!

GPatz · 09/04/2019 14:13

Who did the friend check the date with before she purchased the ticket?

AllTheFunAndGames · 09/04/2019 14:13

Since the friend asked beforehand, it is only right to pay her back. However, I would encourage your DD to widen her circle of friends. It's no harm to distance herself, for now anyway.

polarpig · 09/04/2019 14:14

Yes, you should pay for it. It's very unreasonable for her not to go - what is it that has come up?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2019 14:15

She brought her friend a gift. Friend doesn't want the gift. I don't think the friend should have to give the giver the money for it.

She is out of pocket by what she chose tp spend on her friend. Her friend is being rude and her mother is facilitating it IMO. But that's just a life lesson and a good reason to end the friendship.

She is no worse off financially than if friend had gone

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 09/04/2019 14:16

It’s the same as buying any other birthday gift which the recipient changes their mind. It happens. In fact I gave tickets to which the recipients were given the same tickets by someone else ( whose reason trumpeted mine). They apologetically gave them back and I put them on a Facebook.
DD friend should sell the ticket on to get her money back.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2019 14:16

polarpig the question of friends morals

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 09/04/2019 14:17

I think it's the fact that it's a child who's shelled out a lot of money, after checking it was OK, that makes me think it should be repaid.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/04/2019 14:19

What? Of course you or DD should NOT pay. It was a gift And the friend is going, so not like she is losing the chance to use her own ticket. None of friend's business what DD does with her birthday gift.

If you ask a friend if she would like a bottle of wine for her birthday and she then does not drink it, will you ask for a refund?

Mememeplease · 09/04/2019 14:24

If she hadn't checked it was ok I would tend to agree that it was just a gift. The fact that they checked it was ok means that they wasted money when they had gone to some length to make sure it wasn't wasted. That is the crux of it.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2019 14:25

Milk I'd agree if she now couldn't go but she can still go with other friend, so she's no better or worse off financially. However if I was the friends Mom I wouldn't be encouraging her to be friends with OP's child

TokyoSushi · 09/04/2019 14:27

For the sake of £30, if you have it, I would pay

PCohle · 09/04/2019 14:28

I don't think the analogy with normal gifts is quite the same though.

Say I specifically asked my in-laws if they want to join DH and I at an event, they check their availability and agree, and I buy them the tickets as a gift. I'd be pretty hacked off if they then turned around and said actually they couldn't come after all and DH and I should go alone, leaving me with two wasted tickets totally unnecessarily.

It's really not the same as MIL not using a voucher or whatever. The friend specifically checked it all with the DD first, who has now spectacularly messed her around and wasted the money.

asprinklingofsugar · 09/04/2019 14:29

YANBU - it was a gift and the friend is still going with someone else, as she had originally planned to do

bridgetreilly · 09/04/2019 14:31

If she hadn't checked it was ok I would tend to agree that it was just a gift. The fact that they checked it was ok means that they wasted money when they had gone to some length to make sure it wasn't wasted. That is the crux of it.

This. I get that you think DD has good reasons not to go, but it is (a) quite rude not to go given that the friend checked she was free and (b) it means that the friend is down £30 for no reason. The 'gift' is not just the money for the ticket, but the chance to enjoy that thing together. Now it's all wasted and from the friend's perspective, it's been kicked back in her teeth. Definitely offer her the money.

FamilyOfAliens · 09/04/2019 14:31

OP, your DD needs to be more honest with her friend.

If she doesn’t want to hang out with her because she has been caught shoplifting, she should be straight with her about that. Using your prior commitment to bail out of an event she had agreed to go to with the friend makes her sound like she’s hiding behind you, rather than tackling it head on.

Mememeplease · 09/04/2019 14:32

But it was a gift that wouldn't have been bought if they hadn't said yes they were available.

Margot33 · 09/04/2019 14:34

No I wouldn't pay because it was a birthday present, and another girl had agreed to go with your daughters friend beforehand anyway.

Reastie · 09/04/2019 14:35

So the only reason your dd isn’t going is because you can’t give her a lift there and back? She wants to go (shoplifting issue’s aside). Could she not get to her friends house and travel there with her? Have a sleepover with friend the night before so she could get there with her? Could you get her a taxi there or to a station to get there given you had agreed it was fine and then pulled out because you couldn’t take her? Seems a shame she should miss out on a kind birthday treat like this because you had got dates mixed up and can’t take her.

SosigDog · 09/04/2019 14:36

The ticket was a gift. Technically it belongs to DD. She doesn’t even have to hand it back - she could give it to someone else if she wanted to, or sell it, because it’s hers. The friend is BU asking to be repaid for an unused gift. If you do pay I hope you get the ticket back and keep it!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 09/04/2019 14:37

But it was a gift that wouldn't have been bought if they hadn't said yes they were available.

Exactly the friend is unlikely to have spent £30 normally, it just so happened that the event was near your DD's birthday hence the spend on a ticket.

If she had not been able to go then, the friend would not have spent £30 she would likely have spent a significantly smaller amount.