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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to RSVP No to my DF's wedding reception

104 replies

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 19:41

My DF is getting married to his long term partner, mum to my half brother. It's great, but I just opened my invite and I'm only invited to the reception, not the ceremony. My half brother will be at the ceremony.

My parents split when I was young. My DF has 5 children, only the son he shares with his partner will be at the ceremony. I get on brilliantly with DF's partner, however I've never seen her as a step mum and she doesn't consider us step children. We were grown when they met.

I guess this is a WWYD? Part of me thinks it's their day their choice, but it's a bit of a slap in the face. He's making the hierarchy of his children quite clear. I don't know what I'd achieve by not going. What would you do?

OP posts:

Iamsuchatit · 08/04/2019 19:45

Wow that is shitty. I wouldn’t want to go either.

What are your other siblings doing?

fluorescentflossie · 08/04/2019 19:48

Strange. Are many people invited to the ceremony?

HeathRobinson · 08/04/2019 19:48

Oh, I don't know...could be having a very small ceremony? Perhaps DF feels a little embarrassed at getting married again?

YellowSock · 08/04/2019 19:48

I wouldn't go. If my Dad didn't think I was worthy of the ceremony I wouldn't bother at all - maybe cutting your nose to spite your face but fuck them....

DelphiniumBlue · 08/04/2019 19:49

I'd ask him why, make him spell it out.
And then probably not go, and make it clear to everyone why.
How horrible for you.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/04/2019 19:50

Is it a registry office? Sometimes they have very limited people allowed by the f caption could be a much bigger venue. Don’t jump in with both feet before you’re sure of the reasons.

GruciusMalfoy · 08/04/2019 19:50

I could understand it if they were literally just having two of them and their two witnesses. But no don't think it's on that they're having one of their kids there, and leaving the rest out. My probably wouldn't want to go to the rest.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/04/2019 19:52

No, I wouldn't go in those circumstances. Your DF might be remarrying but his DC should all be invited for every part of the day or none.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/04/2019 19:54

The only situation this would be at all acceptable is if they are literally just having a couple of witnesses.

I think it's really hurtful. Can you ask your df about it?

TheCraicDealer · 08/04/2019 19:55

How many people are going to the ceremony? Is your half brother still quite young? If it's a low key ceremony with just their child and witnesses with a party afterwards I could let it go, but if there's extended family also invited to the registry office I would be sending my regrets.

AnneOfCleanTables · 08/04/2019 19:57

I'd speak to my DF about it rather than posting on MN tbh. If you all have a good relationship, I'd assume there is a good reason eg limited numbers. I wouldn't assume my DF was trying to insult me through the medium of wedding invitations.

KC225 · 08/04/2019 19:57

That is bad. Have you spoken to him? Could it be a mistake? If its not a mistake, then I wouldn't go either.

MaybeitsMaybelline Seriously? Not enough room for your own children? Some people excuse anything.

Original poster

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 19:59

This will be my DF's first marriage.

It will be a registry office. My opinion on that is that if you have to pick and choose whixh of your children attend due to room size, the venue is too small for you.

I would have no problem at all if they eloped just the two of them. No issue at all.

If it's at all relevant, they all came to my wedding ceremony. He walked me down the aisle.

OP posts:

kbPOW · 08/04/2019 19:59

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't sweat that decision. What a shitty thing to do.

InACheeseAndPickle · 08/04/2019 20:00

I would probably just ask him, I guess his partner obviously feels more towards her own son than you and your full siblings but it's bizzare your dad doesn't want all his kids at the ceremony.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/04/2019 20:02

You say:

I don't know what I'd achieve by not going.

This is the important point, and you shouldn't lose sight of the possible end result here. For this reason I don't think there's enough information in your post to answer decisively. For example: what's your relationship like with the other four siblings who are not invited to the ceremony? What about with the half brother? If you declined the invitation, what will the likely reaction be from them? A complete family rift might not be the desired effect, but you may reason that a family who reject you on that basis aren't worth having a relationship with anyway. Only you know.

FWIW, DF and his fiancee are being incredibly petty if they're using their wedding to score cheap points about their children's hierarchy of importance, or are perhaps even trying to promote divisions among their children. So whatever you decide, getting some of the other siblings onside before you respond one way or the other will help. If you decline, you then have the choice of telling them exactly why, or suddenly having the opportunity of going on a wonderful holiday which you've decided to take (i.e. have decided what the 'hierarchy of importance' means to you in your own life)!

If DF and partner are playing some childish game of letting you know just how important you are not, then totally ignoring and even failing to notice that snub might annoy them more than the alternative.

Good luck whatever you decide! Families, eh?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 08/04/2019 20:05

Tell your Dad you're hurt and ask him why
I would go to the reception though, regardless

Butterflycookie · 08/04/2019 20:10

Well you need to ask him why at least!

sobeyondthehills · 08/04/2019 20:11

Personally, I think my reply would depend on where his partner has children and whether or not they are invited.

It could be as PP they are having 2 witnesses, where we are the registry office smallest room you are only allowed 7 people,

AliceAforethought · 08/04/2019 20:13

I’d either just not go, or bluntly ask why DF has a favourite child and let him know how hurtful that is.

What about his other children?

pouraglasshalffull · 08/04/2019 20:15

I would be very offended at this. I know for a fact if my DF got married again I would be top of his guest list. You are his child, who on earth comes above that?! All his children should be there, there shouldn't be a bloody hierarchy of children ffs who does that!

YANBU. Ask him why your not invited to the reception- I certainly would. If he has no good excuse then don't go

Getting married in a registry office is no excuse either. Your his daughter, end of.

Original poster

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:16

I am very close to all siblings. I haven't discussed it with them yet as I want to figure out where I stand first. I also don't want to stir the pot if they're not bothered, they may become bothered on the basis that it has upset me. I'm close to the half brother also.

DF is not a talker. We are not an emotional family. I never lived with DF. It's very likely that this is all motivated by saving money and they've got the smallest and therefore cheapest room available. DF has form for being tight.

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 08/04/2019 20:16

So df played a major part in your wedding and you are on the B list?
B for bollocks that imo.
Stay home and have a lovely night in.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/04/2019 20:17

Talk to your Dad and his Parnter. Tell them you are hurt. It does sound extraordinary that they would deliberately spite you in this way. He went to your wedding so you must be on reasonable terms. I hope you get the answer that makes you happy again x

Original poster

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:18

DF's fiancee only has the one child that she shares with my DF.

OP posts:

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