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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to RSVP No to my DF's wedding reception

104 replies

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 19:41

My DF is getting married to his long term partner, mum to my half brother. It's great, but I just opened my invite and I'm only invited to the reception, not the ceremony. My half brother will be at the ceremony.

My parents split when I was young. My DF has 5 children, only the son he shares with his partner will be at the ceremony. I get on brilliantly with DF's partner, however I've never seen her as a step mum and she doesn't consider us step children. We were grown when they met.

I guess this is a WWYD? Part of me thinks it's their day their choice, but it's a bit of a slap in the face. He's making the hierarchy of his children quite clear. I don't know what I'd achieve by not going. What would you do?

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 08/04/2019 21:47

Maybe they thought as adults your other siblings wouldn’t be bothered about the registry and would just prefer the party, how old are you all? Maybe her parents invited themselves, putting on the pressure to see their daughter getting married ,

Maybe your dads partner is on here and reads all the posts about family and wedding and decided to get married low key

Nomorepies · 08/04/2019 21:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Original poster
AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 22:00

evilspiritgin we are all between 20 and 45. DF had first child very young, and last child quite old. We are all very reasonable adults, there will be no dramatics, I doubt any of us could be arsed.

OP posts:
moofolk · 08/04/2019 22:16

My opinion on that is that if you have to pick and choose whixh of your children attend due to room size, the venue is too small for you

This. Exactly.

If they are having only witnesses then I think fair enough, but they should have said that before giving you the invite.

WatchingFromTheWings · 08/04/2019 22:30

My opinion on that is that if you have to pick and choose whixh of your children attend due to room size, the venue is too small for you.

100% this!!! No way would I go, and I'd be telling him exactly why! Terrible way to treat your kids.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 08/04/2019 22:37

I was going to ask how old your HB is, as I could potentially see the reasoning behind having, say, a 12-year-old DS at the ceremony and his adult half siblings at the evening. But with you saying you're all over 20, I can't see how this is treating you all equally. Have there been other issues between you and your siblings and DSM-to-be?

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2019 22:48

Your dad is a weak wanker.

His partner has determined who attends, and she only wants the people who matter to her.

It’s probably best to go along with it all if you want to continue a relationship with him. But it will be a lesser, reduced relationship.

The more things that happen like this, that you don't feel able to react to - ie hurt and upset and needing answers - the more the rift will grow between you.

And year on year the sense that you can’t say anything will grow. And then one day you might realise your relationship is completely superficial and it will hurt. Like. Fuck.

I’m completely projecting. But it happens.

kateandme · 08/04/2019 22:53

don't worry about what your decision will have on your other siblings.this is what happens with familes when your there for eacohter.let them support you in your hurt that's what having brothers and sibblings are about when its good.to be a team.you can still make it clear you want them to have their own thoughts and next steps on it.but you need them.

id be really hurt.even without the other sibling going id be bothered I was only going to the evening do.then with the borther going...no no nope

kateandme · 08/04/2019 22:55

AtrociousCircumstance brilliantly put.ive seen it so much where my relatve constantly pushes aside her hurt and just puts a brave face on or gets on with it.and people on here saying for your future relationship just deal with it.but when your hurt it never just stays down or keeps hidden it will be a lesser than relationship and your thoughts have changed for these people and that worsens the more you push it down.

timeisnotaline · 08/04/2019 22:58

I couldn’t not ask him why and say I was hurt not to be invited. I’d say you walked me down the aisle and now I feel like I’ve misjudged our relationship a bit all along and I’m not that important to you. For me t would be far better to say it and have it out or I’d let its fester. I would probably go to the wedding , if theassumptions of it’s more about cost and not that bothered than anything else seem true (even if they are true though the result hurts)

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2019 23:21

Child with the woman he is marrying is attending and her parents. Presumably your dad’s are dead? Strikes me as quite normal for a registry office do. I don’t think it’s meant to be offensive or exclusive, tbh. I think you’re reading too much into it.

BucketfannywhoreIstinksofshit · 08/04/2019 23:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sunonthepatio · 08/04/2019 23:59

I agree with @timeisnotaline.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2019 00:48

the ceremony will be them, their one DS, and my DF's inlaws

Based on this, I wouldn't take offence.

This is basically a wedding with the bare minimum of people.

Perhaps after all this time and their old ages they just want the legalities done.

SnagAndChips · 09/04/2019 01:19

This sort of thing causes all sorts of hassle.
My brother remarried- he had kids, his partner had kids- all adults (just).
His partner invited just her daughter- not her son, nor his kids who lived 5 mins away, but her daughter who lived several hours away. She said if was 'spur of the moment' invite for daughter, but clearly was not.
It caused all sorts of fall outs and much of which has never been repaired. (And my family were arriving 3 days later for a holiday- but could not wait for me and I thought we were close, but it was just another act of poor behaviour).
The only kid who is still in close contact is the favoured one.

Say something now before it causes a rift.

LovelyJubbly67 · 09/04/2019 01:25

strange, usually the wedding hierarchy is "everybody is invited to the ceremony, then chosen few to the breakfast reception". that said, it's better to go and regret going, than not go and regret not going. IykwIm

cloudymelonade · 09/04/2019 01:40

To answer PP the ceremony will be them, their one DS, and my DF's inlaws.

YABU. Legal ceremonies are short and boring and kind of a non-event. It sounds like they've invited the bare minimum and placing more importance on the reception.
It's their day, let them do what they want.

StoppinBy · 09/04/2019 01:59

First point for me would be to ask if they made a mistake as my invite only has the reception listed, this gives them two options, they can either squirm and make their excuses or they can pretend they made a mistake and invite their children to the ceremony without losing face.

Personally if the invite remained reception only then I would not be going, the whole reason for attending the wedding is to actually watch the couple get married and that is even more important for family.

Tavannach · 09/04/2019 02:09

My local Reg. Office charges £57 for couple and two witnesses only. They don't even have a photo of it online because it's a dingy, beige glorified storecupboard.

The next room up takes up to 30 guests and has a window. £425.

Similar with our local council.

Just go, have a good time and give a present that underlines your relationship is with him not her.
Or tell him, not your mother or siblings, that you feel hurt and excluded.

pazwaz70 · 09/04/2019 02:24

Doesn't matter if it's a small wedding,small venue. You're his Daughter you should be invited. What a shit Dad for only inviting you to the reception.
I would be hurt and so bloody angry!
I would ask him why you're only invited to the reception.
Some families are bloody strange.

Bemusedagain · 09/04/2019 04:09

Is the half brother acting as his best man? I’d be hurt too but I wouldn’t say anything and I’d go to the reception and drink as much of the free booze as possible. You say you have a good relationship with his partner and all your siblings/half siblings? Just go and see it as a chance to party with them. Your Df is a tight selfish wanker by what you’ve described so what’s the point in saying anything? A man like that is never going to change or have an epiphany. Keep your good relationship with the siblings. They’ll be around and in your life long after he’s dead. Stop including and involving him in anything though. He’s shown where his feelings lie.

BabyDueDecember2019 · 09/04/2019 07:47

I would discuss it with him without the DFiancee there. I would be hurt in this situation too Thanks

Waveysnail · 09/04/2019 08:23

It's not great. If thinking kindly did they think that no one would be bothered about the registry office?

Lazydaisies · 09/04/2019 09:03

How about instead of making your decision yet ringing your father and telling him I feel very hurt that you are having one of your children and not all of them at your wedding. It makes me feel that you do not value me as much as you do my brother. See how he responds, take some time to think about the response and then decide whether you want to go.

Nothing wrong with telling your father how you feel.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 09/04/2019 09:08

How old is their joint child ? Old enough to walk her down the aisle? twee I know.

Frankly its not just you is it, its all your other siblings, partners, kids and add ons that take up the room.

The old mantra 'their wedding day, their way' - you're not being excluded.