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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to RSVP No to my DF's wedding reception

104 replies

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 19:41

My DF is getting married to his long term partner, mum to my half brother. It's great, but I just opened my invite and I'm only invited to the reception, not the ceremony. My half brother will be at the ceremony.

My parents split when I was young. My DF has 5 children, only the son he shares with his partner will be at the ceremony. I get on brilliantly with DF's partner, however I've never seen her as a step mum and she doesn't consider us step children. We were grown when they met.

I guess this is a WWYD? Part of me thinks it's their day their choice, but it's a bit of a slap in the face. He's making the hierarchy of his children quite clear. I don't know what I'd achieve by not going. What would you do?

OP posts:
XingMing · 08/04/2019 20:42

I guess (because that's all anyone can do) that they have decided on a wedding that looks forward, so only their child is part of the marriage ceremony, and the children of previous relationships are invited as close and loved relatives, but not to approve or disapprove. You can attend or stay away, and who in heck knows how stable a relationship it is, but your relationship with your father will evolve again from this event. I'm not judging whether it is good or not, just saying that how you approach it will affect the relationship in the future. If it matters to you, be generous, kind and welcoming. If you don't care, throw a strop on MN.

justasking111 · 08/04/2019 20:42

It could be about money. I would go. As someone said.

Butterymuffin · 08/04/2019 20:42

So you're only being excluded in the same way that everybody is being excluded

OP isn't 'everybody'. The groom is her dad.

Drum2018 · 08/04/2019 20:46

I think I'd have to ask him why but maybe he thought he'd have to invite partners and grandchildren too, if there are any, and that may have been too many. I do think you 4 should have been invited though, even if you have partners and they were not invited to ceremony.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/04/2019 20:47

OP your update changes things. If you really feel you don't want to go then book a holiday coinciding with the wedding, say it was pre-booked, and decline on that basis. I'm still bearing in mind here what you say about not knowing what you'd achieve by not attending. I really don't think you would stand to gain much that's positive. If you were wanting to make a stand this is obviously going to be difficult without stating your position directly, which in this situation I think could cause more trouble than it's worth, and for many people you care about.

If it's to avoid being hurt or snubbed yourself, then fair enough, but you say this is just as likely to be a cost-cutting exercise. There's a big difference between thoughtlessness (however crass it might seem) and spite (intentionally excluding and upsetting your own child).

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that in these circumstances I think I might be inclined to swallow my annoyance and go. (And this is coming from a serial non-wedding attendee).

Original poster
AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:48

I certainly don't want want to make their day all about me! What an insane thing to say.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/04/2019 20:50

It sounds like they are just getting the free room and need 2 witnesses.

The only child invited is "their" son and Brides parents. Pretty much legal service followed by big party for everyone????

Where I got married it was either free too or £1k for the bigger room on a Saturday and that was 12 years ago.

I think you are reading too much into it tbh.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/04/2019 20:55

Has your Dad lost his mind ? Having one child there, when he has other children is a horrible thing to do. I agree with pps , tell your Dad and his fiance that you are very hurt, and see what they say. It is very wrong op, he must know that deep down.

LillithsFamiliar · 08/04/2019 20:55

I think you're being petty. You'd be ok if they only invited friends but you're not ok that they invited the only child they share. They're not inviting a favourite child. It's not a competition. Please don't try to make this an issue for your siblings too.

Original poster
AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:55

Their DS is old enough to be a witness.

Now I've had my feelings justified by some posters I think I'm going to go to the reception, not mention anything, and just have a good bitch about it to my mum.

It's shitty, I'm pissed off, but not going would not make me the bigger person. I will take more than my fair share of cake though.

OP posts:
popsadaisy · 08/04/2019 20:57

If this was my Dad I'd put him on the spot and ask him why I wasn't invited and then I'd not go. Saying that I actually wasn't invited to my Dad and step mums wedding and my half brother was (but I was 4 and my brother was 1) so very different scenario and I don't remember so not really bothered, my Mum on the other hand would still be pissed about this is if you asked her now! Families are odd!

RandomMess · 08/04/2019 21:03

You need 2 witnesses though?

Your step mum probably wants her son and parents there and then there isn't room for an extra 4, and your Dad probably just isn't bothered. I wonder if he is getting married for your stepmum's sake???

Our local free office only seats 6 we had 4 DC under 16 so no room for witnesses!

Glad you've decided to go as I think it's genuine thoughtlessness and seeing the reception as the "do" rather than the ceremony.

Thanksas you feel hurt and it matters to you that you're excluded Sad

popsadaisy · 08/04/2019 21:03

@MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah just because your Dad has never lived with you it doesn't make him any less of your Dad as anyone else's. You can still be incredibly close to a family member without living with them, it's not like they're strangers.

BlackPrism · 08/04/2019 21:03

I would text him saying I am upset and offended tbh and why. But, I would still go.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 08/04/2019 21:11

Yeah that’s shit. He should definitely have room for his own kids. Sorry he’s putting tight fistedness first.

harriethoyle · 08/04/2019 21:11

Yes I agree @blackprism - I think it's important to be open about your hurt although I absolutely admire you rising above and attending the knees up. It's a really odd way to behave imo...

Torridon19 · 08/04/2019 21:15

OP - You've got to ask DF why ? Don't be embarrassed about it - ask...!

Beamur · 08/04/2019 21:15

Go to the reception and eat lots of cake. I wonder if maybe the registry office part of this isn't such a big deal for them. If you all get along otherwise it doesn't sound like it's meant as a snub.

RandomMess · 08/04/2019 21:17

If your other siblings aren't bothered you may be able to go 🤷🏽‍♀️

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/04/2019 21:20

There is a wonderful 12 steps poem 'Just for today'.

Part of it goes "Just for today I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it'.

Ask them if there would be any possibility of being there to celebrate with them at their special moment, and if they say no, be graceful and go to the reception.

JK2012 · 08/04/2019 21:26

Wow! If I was in your situation I would be really offended by this. He is your dad after all 😭

I can understand some people have really small ceremonies. A friend of mine got married in a registry office with only two witnesses, nobody else. but you’re his daughter and your half brother is going!!

Supersimpkin · 08/04/2019 21:27

It's bloody rude, but you are clearly a really nice, sane woman who doesn't see the point in making a fuss. Yay to that, you won't get anywhere even though you're right, such is life/other people's weddings.

If I were you, I would have a riproaring lunch with the other DCs, asking the DS who is going to the ceremony too but assuming he's not coming, and roll up to the reception together for a great evening. Do not spend much on a present - a card would do, signed by all the children.

venusandmars · 08/04/2019 21:31

Maybe they don't see the ceremony as being important, just the signing the legal paperwork, get it all over with... Maybe they think other people won't be bothered about being there / might actually be bored by it.

Maybe they view celebrating with you all as more important...

clutching at straws

APcasting · 08/04/2019 21:34

Did you ask him? I'm intrigued, but hope it was an answer that didnt make you upset.

IHateUncleJamie · 08/04/2019 21:35

It’s very hurtful. I would be hugely pissed off if I were you.

If no dcs were invited it wouldn’t be so bad but it must feel like a slap in the face. Thank goodness you and your siblings are close.

I think I would say that you’ve received the invitation and will let them know soon whether you can come, but ask if there’s a particular reason why only their DS is invited to the ceremony?