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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to RSVP No to my DF's wedding reception

104 replies

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 19:41

My DF is getting married to his long term partner, mum to my half brother. It's great, but I just opened my invite and I'm only invited to the reception, not the ceremony. My half brother will be at the ceremony.

My parents split when I was young. My DF has 5 children, only the son he shares with his partner will be at the ceremony. I get on brilliantly with DF's partner, however I've never seen her as a step mum and she doesn't consider us step children. We were grown when they met.

I guess this is a WWYD? Part of me thinks it's their day their choice, but it's a bit of a slap in the face. He's making the hierarchy of his children quite clear. I don't know what I'd achieve by not going. What would you do?

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/04/2019 20:19

I wouldn't go. Talk about a kick in the teeth. Personally I would ask DF why and also speak to half siblings about it. But jeezo!

Grumpelstilskin · 08/04/2019 20:20

I would not go. That is an insult to his children.

beachyhead · 08/04/2019 20:23

Go out for lunch with your siblings and partners and turn up together.....

It may be numbers or it may be his new wife simply saying 'I'm happy to have your children there, but could they just come to the reception?'

ByeClaire · 08/04/2019 20:24

Really bad of both your DF and his DP to basically close ranks and only have ‘their’ child there. Such a snub to you and your other siblings. I wouldn’t want to go under those circumstances. He made his decision, and it’s enbarrassing that you’d need to raise it for him to perhaps even consider what a cold move it is.

Chocolateisfab · 08/04/2019 20:25

My df remarried when I was a dc and I wasn't invited. All my cousins went!! As a teen once I grasped how actually bloody awful they both had treated me the relationship with them both crashed to zero.
I can't see yours being salvaged either op.

ChandelierSail · 08/04/2019 20:26

So who the fuck IS going then? Surely the children of the bride and groom should come before all other guests!!?

Their priorities are all wrong and you'd be right to decline.

That is really shitty, OP.

onlyk · 08/04/2019 20:27

Before deciding what to do find out more about the ceremony, is it just them and witnesses?

I had a friend who got married with just witnesses at the register office then had a big reception. She also had a close friend who’s mum was a vicar who then did a blessing at the start of the reception. I thought it worked very well and no hanging around for anyone.

So I would definitely find out more info before making any decision.

Original poster

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:27

Thank you everyone this is good. Obviously my family set-up isn't traditional; 'blended family' doesn't quite cover it! I'm very lucky to have lots of family but I was brought up to accept that compromises are made, sometimes we get treated differently etc and you just have to crack on. I wasn't sure whether this was one of those instances or whether I had cause to question it.

I'm certainly going to approach it with some siblings over the next few days and see how they feel.

OP posts:

Spudina · 08/04/2019 20:29

Thing is....even if he backtracked now and invited you, would you want you go knowing he doesn't really want you there?Course not. In your shoes I wouldn't go, and would accept that there would be fallout. But there will be fallout.....

ScarletBitch · 08/04/2019 20:29

Grow up this is your fathers day and not about which child is more important.

stucknoue · 08/04/2019 20:30

It depends upon how many are at the ceremony, if it's literally them, 2 witnesses and their shared son fair enough - if they have friends or other family members then it's a bit off

donquixotedelamancha · 08/04/2019 20:30

Tell your Dad you're hurt and ask him why

Noooooo. This is MN. We can't advise the OP to do the obvious, adult thing which any reasonable person would do and would cause the least harm.

Send the invite back with NO (which is a full sentence) scrawled in blood on it. Then log it with 101. Does he have a pet you can steal? Who needs a relationship with their Dad anyway?

(In all seriousness OP, this is shit- but there is only one person whose mind you need to know and he is not on MN. Make the call.)

Original poster

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:31

To answer PP the ceremony will be them, their one DS, and my DF's inlaws.

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 08/04/2019 20:31

I wouldn't go. Surely the bride/groom's children should be top of the guest list? As for inviting one child but not the others, that just not on unless there is a huge back story of people not getting on/family rows etc. I would decline and I expect my siblings would feel the same.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 08/04/2019 20:36

I can't see anything wrong. Two witnesses and their joint child. Then party after with family. I find it more bizarre to have someone 'give you away' who has never lived with you but that's just me.

MitziK · 08/04/2019 20:38

My local Reg. Office charges £57 for couple and two witnesses only. They don't even have a photo of it online because it's a dingy, beige glorified storecupboard.

The next room up takes up to 30 guests and has a window. £425.

The next room up takes up to 65 guests, has two windows, pew-style seating and was freshly redecorated in trade pure brilliant white in about 1994. £575

Add in the cost of giving notice, of obtaining the documentation they require for ID/proving a former marriage is dissolved and that's a hell of a lot of difference, even before you get to paying for dress, shoes, suit and cucumber sandwiches. Elopement packages cost, too.

Ditto66 · 08/04/2019 20:38

If they've taken this long to get married and are doing a cheap and cheerful registry office do, then I think they probably just didn't think it was important. You have a great relationship with them all by the sound of things - so tell them how you feel. Personally I wouldn't be too upset. You're happy with the relationships, that's what matters in the long run.

ginswinger · 08/04/2019 20:38

Honestly, just go. It's their wedding and they should be able to decide who to invite and when. You're kind of making this about you and it's not, it's about celebrating your dad's marriage. Go, enjoy and stop overthinking this.

cstaff · 08/04/2019 20:39

No matter how small the wedding is his family and kids should be top of the list along with hers. Anyone after that is someone he wanted there ahead of his own kids. Sorry if that sounds harsh OP but unfortunately it is the truth. I don't think I could go myself. Maybe talk to him or her and explain how you feel rejected by your own dad. This sounds so difficult OP and my heart goes out to you.

Original poster

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:39

I actually don't think us children (we are all adults) should be priority. I'd have no problem if they eloped, or got married om holoday with their friends or something. It's the fact that my DF only wants one of his DC there that has upset me. We have not fallen out, we get on fine.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 08/04/2019 20:40

Sounds like your step mum has decided who she wants there - her parents and her child. Personally I think it's awful. I wouldn't act on an impulse though. Take your time and consider it carefully.

Butterymuffin · 08/04/2019 20:40

the ceremony will be them, their one DS, and my DF's inlaws

Not on that you and your siblings are cut out, then. I wouldn't go.

First off, though, I'd talk to your siblings. I get that you don't want to stir the pot if they're not upset, but that could lead to all of you pretending it's fine when it's not. Just say 'Were you surprised to get an evening invite to Dad's wedding?'

EggysMom · 08/04/2019 20:40

So it sounds as though they are doing the 'bargain' register office package where it's just them and two witnesses - if their DS (your half brother) is under 16 then it's possible they blagged the venue into letting DS come also, as he's too young to be a witness.

So you're only being excluded in the same way that everybody is being excluded.

Go to the reception, and wish them well.

TFBundy · 08/04/2019 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster

AnythingButChardonnayDahling · 08/04/2019 20:41

mschook I never said he gave me away. Two people accompanied me down the aisle to a non religious ceremony. My dad was one of them. No giving away occured.

OP posts:

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