I dislike my daughter

[Harveys4557]

I feel an absolute failure and horrible person for writing this but I don’t like my daughter. She is 14, almost 15 and I really struggle to have that mother daughter relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and wouldn’t want anything to happen to her but I sometimes wish I could put her into care. When she was growing up she was a lovely polite girl with lots of friends and adults couldn’t compliment me enough about her. Now she is a lying deceitful troublemaking child. She is the second child and has 3 brothers who are 16, 12 and 10. Every chance she gets she tries to get them into trouble or bring them into a situation when she is being told off. We are a close and stable family but she chooses to set herself away from the rest of us. We went on a family holiday to Turkey in August 2018 and she made the 2 wks a living hell. Every day she caused arguments between everyone. She said that she is the black sheep of the family and she is abused by me, my husband and 3 boys because we do nothing but pick on her. She said she was going to tell her School about how we treat her. I honestly don’t know what to do. I try in every way to involve her. I thought she might be jealous because I am very close to my 3 boys so have arranged for just me and her to do things together like shopping, going to the hairdressers etc but she acts sullen and barely speaks to me. She has little or no respect for anyone in the family. If I am giving her into trouble she will either walk out or argue back. I am scared to even say good morning to her because I never know what mood she will be in. I only have to ask her a simple question and she will fly off the handle. If we fall out before she goes to school I think of her all day and send her messages asking if she’s ok which she ignores. When she comes in I will tell her that I’ve thought about her all day and want us to talk things through. She usually just shrugs her shoulders and tells me that she hasn’t thought of me at all. I know it could just be her age and maybe we have to try and work through this but it has been going on for about 3 years now. Ever since she started her period. She has no pride in her appearance, doesn’t wear make up or takes care of her hair. She said to me about a year ago she was bisexual, I told her it didn’t matter if she was straight, gay or Bi as long as she was happy. 6 months ago she told me she was gay. Again I said it didn’t matter what she was, as long as she was happy. She has told me in the past that she has a gf. I’ve said to invite her round for dinner so we can meet her and she goes crazy saying I’m poking my nose into her business. I would do the exact same thing if she was dating a boy. She tells the most ridiculous lies too. Lies about things people have said and done. I think the bi/gay thing is probably a lie too for attention. (I would never say that to her though) She was boy crazy just over a year ago. Anyway, I’ve waffled on enough, I just don’t know what to do about her. She already hates me, I feel like giving up.

Freely admit I may be talking through my arse, as I haven't had a teenage daughter, but am I alone in finding it a bit depressing how accepted the idea of teenage girls being difficult is? It seems to me to belong in the same category as the idea that all-female workplaces are a hotbed of bitchy gossip, or all women want to be thought young-looking, or something.

Stop trying to be her friend - just be her mother for now. She is going through god knows what hormonal changes and they affect everyone differently. I was a total horror for a few years when I was around 15-19.

I just wanted to be alone and have my own life and at 19 I moved out and got a mortgage (thanks Nram 🙄) only after then did things get better. I never felt part of my family unit because tbh, I didn't really like any of them. Until I moved out.

Oh and your sons are probably being little bastards to her and you're just dismissing their behaviour instead of acknowledging how she feels.

I stronglt suggest you read 'how to talk to teenagers so they listen and how to listen to teenagers so they talk' or whatever it's called.

The toddler version saved my sanity. The older versions are supposed to be even better.

No sadly I think it is hard for them

They have a lot of friendship situations to nagivate, a lot of School pressure including exams all the while growing boobs (or not, another stress) and getting periods acne feeling bloated and tired. Both my DD’s get really emotional and found adjusting to period pains really hard

Obviously boys go through puberty too but I can’t believe it is AS stressful as it is for girls at times.

What with the rise of social media for today’s teenagers and the pressure on girls especially to look a particular way and fit a particular look, the huge rise in plastic surgery (again mostly aimed at young women), the pressures on and around them are huge.

My DD got invited to a party next weekend which she isn’t allowed to attend at the bequest of the birthday girl unless she wears heels over 4 inches. I mean... do boys really bother with this petty shit?

Sounds vaguely familiar, she sounds like my 15 year old sister....

It’s possible she may be reacting against the fact that she doesn’t now fit your template for a girl. She doesn’t have to be interested in her appearance. If she is clean and presentable when she needs to be that is enough. Let her go her own way a bit.

She already hates me
I suspect she does not hate you. But she might be very angry with you.

I thought she might be jealous because I am very close to my 3 boys so have arranged for just me and her to do things together like shopping, going to the hairdressers etc but she acts sullen and barely speaks to me.
She sounds angry with you. Shopping and hairdressers are strange choices for someone who takes no interest in their appearance. She probably thinks you were trying to make her into the daughter you want her to be.

I would have utterly loathed being taken shopping and to hairdresser by my mother. The whole idea of that is weird to me. You are different generations, teenagers never share the same aesthetic as their parents. You are more likely to find common ground in the intellectual sphere - what authors does she like, could you try one of them, or suggest a writer you like? Music is also very loaded but books are good.

@Kelsoooo

@SandyY2K you sound like a.....yeah not a great mum.

I never said I was a great mum, but I know I'm a good mum, who is encouraging, supportive and is there for my DC come hell or high water.

We all parent differently. A lax approach where rudeness is written of as hormonal may work for you, but I have a responsibility to raise my DC properly, with the understanding that actions have consequences and prepare them for the real world.

My DD was always well behaved at school, so I knew she was making a choice to be naughty and misbehave at home and I wasn't having it.

Her behaviour was also upsetting her Dsis, who thought I wasn't doing anything, that she got away with everything and the younger DD was my favourite. She actually said this to her Aunt (my Dsis) and I knew then I had to be a lot firmer with her.

Children need boundaries, praise, structure and discipline as appropriate.

My DD is 16 now and I have no problems with her, but I wasn't going to be passive while she thought it was okay to do things like spit at her Dsis or slam the door on me and stomp upstairs when I was talking to her.

If you don't deal with poor behaviour at a young age, it escalates and becomes out of control.

So thanks for your judgement, when you haven't got a clue.

but am I alone in finding it a bit depressing how accepted the idea of teenage girls being difficult is

You're not alone. I think expectations are low. It also depends on how you were raised as a child.

An example is a colleague who got pregnant at 14. I asked what her parents said. She said they were fine about it. Her DM had her at 15. It was acceptable and normal in her family.

My DDs are both teenagers and I smh when I hear comments like teenagers are vile, disgusting and little sh*its.... because mine and my nieces and friends teenagers are not like that.

None of them are perfect, but I could never use those words to describe them.

All too often, I find hormones and MH are used as excuses for poor teenage behaviour and for abusive behaviour respectively.

It's like the excuse of a midlife crisis for having an affair... NO You've chosen to cheat on your spouse and by saying MLC... you're trying to absolve yourself of responsibility for your actions.

We all go through stages of development in life, but we still know right from wrong. We make those choices and I believe by making these choices, we need to accept responsibility and deal with the consequences.

I coped with letting the small things go, don't get drawn in arguments as they will argue black is white until their last breath, and walking away if they started to talk with attitude. You need to develop a teflon shield around yourself to protect your own sanity.

I've been learning to do this with my DD (nearly 14) over the past year- I just refuse to wound up about small things and if we want to talk about a larger issue, we "debate" it, i.e. no getting upset, shouting, etc. She's entitled to her opinion, I'm entitled to mine - we may not agree, but we need to be respectful of other people's views.

I agree that spending more time with her doing simple things like taking a walk (we often walk the dog together and chat), clothes shopping if she likes it, my DD does enjoy the hair and nails treats - but yours may not. Ask her what she'd like to do to relax with you.

Anything vaguely educational like a museum or an exhibition is a complete no-no with my DD ATM (unless she's with her friends) so I don't force it. Anything her parents enjoy is undesirable, but I suspect she'll come around to these things later.

It's a tough age, hang in there!

Op... I was a second child.. only girl and 3 boys.

Message me I might be able to help. I had a similar relationship to my mother because yes I did feel there was difference in the emotions displayed between her and the boys as opposed to me. Definately felt like the odd one in the family. I think her gay thing is a desperate cry to be one of the boys so u can give her same love.

I was my dads princess but that meant my mum thought it was fair to focus all her attention on the boys.

Your daughter is in a sensitive age. I think as she is the only girl to 3 boys, who most likely tease her, play with each other and exclude her, talk about boy things and she feels she can’t join in... I think you owe her to spend more quality time with her..

Oh and your sons are probably being little bastards to her and you're just dismissing their behaviour instead of acknowledging how she feels.

This is absolutely what damaged my relationship with my mother. Her sticking up for the boys and telling me that “they didn’t mean it”, “have thicker skin” while if I got rude to them she would stick up for them without batting an eye lid “it’s unlike you”

No, I meant the wide acceptance of the idea that teenage girls are 'difficult' compared with boys. It strikes me as sexist, deterministic nonsense.

She sounds angry with you. Shopping and hairdressers are strange choices for someone who takes no interest in their appearance. She probably thinks you were trying to make her into the daughter you want her to be.

Agree. Maybe going to a climbing wall (good for bonding) or go-karting, even the cinema might interest her more.

Do your boys have something that they do together that she would like to do but feels excluded ? Outcompeted?

My brothers used to play football but because they were faster than me and fiercer, I tried and got injured and stopped. But was always feeling left out.. I would be mocked for my weaker abilities.. I tried to compete on riding a bike.. on all other sports.. but just always felt my brothers were on the same wavelength together and just saw me as a “girl”. So I tried to prove that I’m able to be boyish... Tom boy I was called... perhaps that’s where your daughters bisexual and so forth is coming from. Feeling she is interested in “boy” things because I’m reality she probably is just into these things because she is trying to fit into being a sibling..

Perhaps you can join in and be on her team? Or perhaps you can do similar activities but with her and some girls? Invite her female friends over?

You really don’t need to be doing “girly wirly” things. You just need to make her feel involved and included while taking the fact she is a female into account.

She is 14, which is a difficult age. Mine was horrid at that age and treated me badly. My husband was strict with her, and she responded well to him. Add the sexuality and I don’t think her behaviour is very different from most teens.

Just be patient and don’t let her manipulate you or push your buttons. She will improve with age. Mine is now grown and is close with her brothers and is a lovely, responsible adult.

Sounds like potential PMDD. Hormones can cause the worst changes to our personalities sometimes. Seeing her GP would help, but if she was willing to actually talk.

I really feel for you. But as you seem to hve tried everything for her I would back off. I think u carry alot of guilt because u feel there is no connection between u both so ur trying to hard and she senses that. Teenagers are not stupid. When u argue do not text her, say good morning if she ignores u so Wat. She will come to u when she's ready. Also bring her to see a doctor she cld need professional help if she won't go with u, u go and seek advice and leave information for her to read. She sounds like she's really struggling and is very very unhappy. Could she be getting bullied at school? Hve u spoken to her teachers?
Hopefully she will settle down xx

Does she enjoy her school? Don’t flame me but thought I’d just Chuck another idea out there for you. My sister went to an independent school that did flexible boarding. It was the making of her. Changed her into this independent engaged happy teenager. Seriously, best thing that happened. It gave her independence away from our parents which was what she needed and she threw herself into all the different sports they do and the amazing drama productions.
Maybe you could speak to her about doing something like this? My sister hated being at home every evening so for her this worked. It’s about doing what fits her personality. What hobbies does she enjoy?

When I was a teenager I didn't like spending time with my mum, and I certainly didn't want to be her friend. I had my own friends that I wanted to spend time with. Also I wasn't girly and I hated going shopping with my mum. She was very girly and always tried to dress me up in outfits and make up that I didn't like. It just felt like a whole day of her putting me down and trying to make me something I wasn't which I had to try and endure with a big smile, and if she sensed I was at all unhappy I got called a spoilt ungrateful brat. I'm not saying that you do this btw, I'm just throwing in another perspective - especially since you say that she takes no care in her appearance. Even though you've not said it to her she will definitely have picked up on the fact that you think that and may see your nice "girly" trips as a way of you trying to change her or tell her she isn't good enough. So essentially when you think you are trying to bond, she sees it as a wedge driving you further apart.

I'm not condoning your daughter's behaviour either - obviously you should to punish her if she is rude and disrespectful. I just wonder if backing off a bit and not organising so many shopping trips and salon trips might actually beneficial.

The whole salon trips thing troubles me. Why would you do that with a girl who doesn’t care about her appearance? It sounds like you’re trying to make her “feminine”. You, and the rest of bloody society. Meanwhile her brothers are able to grow into their personalities free of constraint. You need to show you understand there’s more than one way of being a girl and all are valid. But first, you need to believe that yourself.

@Magenta32 you have just described the relationship I had with my mother growing up. It took me a loooong time to get any self esteem. The constant criticism about appearance made me so depressed. I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough.
Maybe your daughter feels like this OP? I’m pretty sure she probably knows what you think of her.

If we fall out before she goes to school I think of her all day and send her messages asking if she’s ok which she ignores.

She is telling you she needs some space. You are trampling all over her boundaries.

When she comes in I will tell her that I’ve though about her all day and want us to talk things through.

Poor girl. You are the parent yet you’re acting like the needy child. You are giving her all the power, which she doesn’t want, doesn’t know how to deal with then blaming her for not acting appropriately. Poor girl.

she is a lying deceitful troublemaking child

We are a close and stable family but she chooses to set herself away from the rest of us.

she made the 2 weeks a living hell

Crikey. You could be describing Satan here. No wonder she describes herself as the black sheep.

I was the second child. Eldest was a boy. My mother described me as such a happy and compliant child, who made her shine. Then when I got to my teens she would have described as you describe your daughter. My brother and mother made my life a living hell. He was emotionally abusive, called me the most vile names, was regularly violent with me and sexually degraded me. She knew a lot of what happened. She “tried” to punish him but whenever she did they ended up laughing together. She also called me horrible names and was emotionally abusive.

Now I’m not saying you are the same as my mother. However you definitely aren’t owning your part in any situation. If you and your boys are close and your dd is choosing to be excluded there is either some physical reason (which needs investigating eg hormones) or emotional reason. As her mother it is your job to address it in an appropriate way - not how you’ve done so far.

I’m sure your boys are not helping the situation and they may also be treating her in ways that you either ignore are unaware of, probably both. In any case it must be nice to be so favoured. I have no idea what that feels like and it looks as if your dd doesn’t either.

My brother is still the golden child. For her he is wonderful and even in my late 40’s she likes to hold how I was as a teen against me. I also went to school, didn’t go off the rails but was suffering from crippling depression and what I now know to be PTSD from my childhood treatment.

Even if your boys are generally nice to her the fact that they are so definitely favoured will be having a terribly detrimental impact on her mental health. And with you expecting her to parent you, not the other way round, no wonder she’s a mess.

Have a google of PARENTIFICATION.

My DD got invited to a party next weekend which she isn’t allowed to attend at the bequest of the birthday girl unless she wears heels over 4 inches. I mean... do boys really bother with this petty shit?

Not heels no. But being a teenage boy, like their female counterparts, have a whole raft of issues and pressures to navigate through as well. In terms of 'petty shit' I certainly recall instances of not supporting the right team, listening to the right music or wearing the right clothes was enough to get singled out for grief. Teenagers half the time don't need much of a reason to round on an individual for the crime of being a bit different.