I dislike my daughter

[Harveys4557]

I feel an absolute failure and horrible person for writing this but I don’t like my daughter. She is 14, almost 15 and I really struggle to have that mother daughter relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and wouldn’t want anything to happen to her but I sometimes wish I could put her into care. When she was growing up she was a lovely polite girl with lots of friends and adults couldn’t compliment me enough about her. Now she is a lying deceitful troublemaking child. She is the second child and has 3 brothers who are 16, 12 and 10. Every chance she gets she tries to get them into trouble or bring them into a situation when she is being told off. We are a close and stable family but she chooses to set herself away from the rest of us. We went on a family holiday to Turkey in August 2018 and she made the 2 wks a living hell. Every day she caused arguments between everyone. She said that she is the black sheep of the family and she is abused by me, my husband and 3 boys because we do nothing but pick on her. She said she was going to tell her School about how we treat her. I honestly don’t know what to do. I try in every way to involve her. I thought she might be jealous because I am very close to my 3 boys so have arranged for just me and her to do things together like shopping, going to the hairdressers etc but she acts sullen and barely speaks to me. She has little or no respect for anyone in the family. If I am giving her into trouble she will either walk out or argue back. I am scared to even say good morning to her because I never know what mood she will be in. I only have to ask her a simple question and she will fly off the handle. If we fall out before she goes to school I think of her all day and send her messages asking if she’s ok which she ignores. When she comes in I will tell her that I’ve thought about her all day and want us to talk things through. She usually just shrugs her shoulders and tells me that she hasn’t thought of me at all. I know it could just be her age and maybe we have to try and work through this but it has been going on for about 3 years now. Ever since she started her period. She has no pride in her appearance, doesn’t wear make up or takes care of her hair. She said to me about a year ago she was bisexual, I told her it didn’t matter if she was straight, gay or Bi as long as she was happy. 6 months ago she told me she was gay. Again I said it didn’t matter what she was, as long as she was happy. She has told me in the past that she has a gf. I’ve said to invite her round for dinner so we can meet her and she goes crazy saying I’m poking my nose into her business. I would do the exact same thing if she was dating a boy. She tells the most ridiculous lies too. Lies about things people have said and done. I think the bi/gay thing is probably a lie too for attention. (I would never say that to her though) She was boy crazy just over a year ago. Anyway, I’ve waffled on enough, I just don’t know what to do about her. She already hates me, I feel like giving up.

OP I was dishing up dinner but have written you a view of perhaps things you can do along with the other advice

• If you want to know how she really feels then you need to take her to family therapy but trying to do this can backfire (it did me) as it’s seen as another criticism and interfering. Therefore it may be many years before you actually do find out what was wrong. So don’t push her on this but you could suggest it

• don’t try to talk to her about her behaviour while she’s angry. This is pointless. Discuss when she’s calm. Also she doesn’t care how it makes you feel so you have to keep your feelings out of it in the main and stick to why it was wrong

• if you try to talk and she’s not in tr mood don’t push it. Don’t keep texting. I know why you do it - I do it because DD has made threats of running away and self harm so I worry all day.

• I totally understand how it feels like one child is getting all the attention (good and bad) with 1:1 time and the others don’t. This happens to kids at school all the time where the challenging children get all the teachers time while the ‘good’ kids sit quietly at the back. You need to divide up your time equally as well

• don’t keep taking her to do things just for the sake of it - also been here and backfires. Can have a great day out really close and nice then get home it’s all doom and gloom again. It’s really demoralising and you get resentful. I get DD to do things like bake cakes that only last for 30 min bursts. A whole day would be too much together. Small small periods of time together, frequently. Like 1 hour episode of a TV show

• see if she will go to the GP for a checkover. I got DD16’s bloods done for hormone reasons. DD has very bad skin and reacts very badly to PMT so I keep a note to myself when to not make things worse. You can ask her if she would like to talk to anyone about how she is feeling

• you should reflect on where you could do things better but you can’t change the past and go back in time. Beating yourself up won’t make you suddenly get along. You can apologise for things you know you should say sorry for as that’s modelling good behaviour! Being always guilty doesn’t help as it lets DD know you are weak and can be manipulated

• email her form tutor and check everything is ok at school

• Make sure you do punish all kids the same way and proportionately

• say good morning even if you get sworn at I ignore it. Don’t react to blatant attempts to annoy you either and try really hard to walk away from attempts to argue. I often just sit in my car!

OP it may be what others say or this may continue.

I had a similar relationship with my mum and for years I believed it to be hormonal and blamed myself when I was younger. Now as an adult I can see why I felt the way I did. Constant rejection. We speak all the time but we do not get along well.

It does sound like you favour your boys, even if you don’t you probably treat them differently without noticing. Even if this is not the case, it is what your daughter believes and that is what matters. She feels excluded from the family and is trying to get your attention. She doesn’t want shopping trips, she wants your time and affection.
Does she always get blamed? Do her brothers wind her up and she reacts? Do you tell her off for her reactions or do you discuss with your sons?

Why are you bothered by her appearance, she’s 14, I wouldn’t want my 14yo wearing makeup. If you’ve mentioned this to her it is telling her that you are not accepting her for the person she is.

Regardless of anyone’s opinion your daughter is not happy. Even if you are totally justified, it does not matter. Your daughter is crying out for attention. Building this relationship will take a lot of time. Be patient.

@dinomum13

I do agree I think my DD has demand avoidance but my DD has always been like this she didn’t change when she got a period. I can’t get her to see anyone anymore I’ve tried. But you could read up as the techniques are very helpful

I remember all to well being just like this to my mum.
I was so awful and have no idea how my mum didn't kill me.
all I wanted was to be left alone and freedom. I did feel that I was picked on because I was and I still feel that way. My parents nor my sisters would say so but would- saying this I think that I was overly sensitive and most girls going through this period are. Maybe be extra careful about what is said in the house, around her and directed to her.
Could a family member look after her until she wants to come back? If this is not an option maybe give her very little attention and only when she asks for it.

I have a dd of the same age, and she is up and down like a yo yo.

I don't join her on the yo yo, when she erupts, I just go very grey rock. I don't react and don't argue back. Then she kind of comes back around and simmers down and is fine again. This is just hormonal surges, it is totally normal and happens to almost everyone. Step back, love her when she wants you to, know it will end.

@Magenta82

Because she’s struggling too.
She has 3 boys and 1 girl and perhaps the change in her DD has really taken her by surprise, no one gives parents a tutorial in exactly what to expect. A very happy girly child starts to change and it’s thrown OP as it doesn’t seem ‘typical teenager’ and OP doesn’t know or understand why. It is sad that people interpret this as OP being shallow and judgemental and not just confused and probably needs to come to terms with things not being quite as expected!

You have already have some good advice, but one thing that did jump out was after you say sue doesn’t wear makeup etc, was that in an attempt to bond you took her to the hairdresser and shopping. Does she like those things or were you taking her as it seems to be the typical mother/daughter day?

You talk about her being polite and sweet, which is the stereotypical little girl, but it sounds like your daughter doesn’t fit that mould. Could she have become frustrated because she felt like she had to try and be the pretty girl instead of who she is?

I may be way off base, but something to think about perhaps. My mother very much tried to get me to do things she thought I should like and even now, we are very different. She was closer to my brother who was the typical teenage boy, whereas I loved stately homes and museums rather than shopping or manicures

Maybe this has been said and I missed it but could she be having problems outside of the home that are making her unhappy and she is acting out to get your attention as a sort of cry for help?

Obviously I can’t comment on how likely that is, but it’s possible that the source of the problem is elsewhere and for some reason, fear, shame, immaturity or whatever she just doesn’t know how to broach it with you.

I don’t want to be alarmist by any means but she could be being bullied or under some kind of negative pressure from friends, boy/girlfriend, or god knows what.

The most likely thing is that it is standard teenage growing pains but I would just remind her that however tough things get between you guys at times, you are always there for her and love her no matter what and crucially she can talk to you about anything.

I second the hormonal comments. I was awful between 14 and 17, very depressed and horrible. Me and my mum were close before and are close now again. Luckily she had 3 daughters before me so didn't take it personally. But I cringe remembering how I was and still feel guilty about it. I recently found my diary from those years (I spent a year at 15 writing in my diary every day) and I can't bear to open it!

Try to be patient and try going 'grey rock' as another poster has suggested.

Things will get better.

@Springwalk

You sound like a fantastic mum. I wish mine had been like you.

You'll have a great relationship with your daughter once her hormones have settled.

She's attention seeking by telling you she's Bi, then gay. She wants to provoke a reaction from you.

Does she behave like this in school?

Does she have friends?

Far too much is put down to hormones. It could be bad behaviour or she may have an undiagnosed personality disorder.

Remember that you need to protect your sons from her nasty behaviour too. It's not fair to them...and they will remember this as they grow up if you don't give sanctions for her behaviour.

I would also make it clear she won't be going on holiday again if she can't behave and be appreciative.

My DDs were rowing a lot on one holiday and I told them we hadn't paid thousands to listen to this nonsense and next time I'd go with DH and they could stay home.

They soon apologised.

My DD went through a cheeky phase...she was probably about 9/10 ish. I told her this behaviour wasn't good enough. That I would provide all she needed (food, clothing, take her to brownies, swimming, etc), but if she couldn't be respectful to me or her Dsis, then she wasn't going to get any treats, I wouldn't take her out with me to see her cousins and I wouldn't be arranging play dates or other activities for her.
I followed through on it and
I would wait for DH to be home before I went out with her Dsis. She thought she had me over a barrel by saying I wouldn't leave her home alone.

She soon realised, she was the one who was missing out.

I can just about manage the not washing the dishes without reminding...or messy bedrooms...whi h annoy me, but I won't be walking on eggshells because of a child in my own house.

She is 15 that's her job! It's a question of weathering the storm and waiting for the lovely young woman to come out the other side.This too shall pass!

Wow @SandyY2K you sound like a.....yeah not a great mum.

HarrysOwl Thank you are kind. I am not sure I am doing very well at all!! There is no manual with teen girls. It is helpful to know others are in the same boat, and we feel supported.

I find it very triggering when my dd loses control, I have had to practice staying calm and neutral. It doesn't matter what I say she will disagree anyway when she is feeling like that. I sometimes look at the jumble of pressure from school, pressure from SM, pressure from friends, society's expectations and can't blame her for blowing a gasket! Better out than in, and at least she is communicating even if it is anger. I think I would be worried if she was withdrawing.

You will be just fine op, honestly. Your dd will come back, she doesn't mean to upset you if that is any consolation. I was the teenage girl from absolute hell, and I still feel awful thirty years later. Every stage passes and this one will be no exception.

I suggest she visits the GP about her periods - this could be the key to getting your daughter back. Good luck OP.

It is very very common for lesbians to be "boy mad" at a young age. It is a way of trying to deny the reality. Like forcing themselves to like boys. She may or may not be a lesbian, but being "boy mad" a year ago does not tell you which it is.

Often as mothers, we can have ideas about how our future relationship with our kids will be. So you can dream about shopping and sharing make up tips with a girl. But of course children do not always grow up to be how we imagine them to be.

Given she is not interested in how she looks, taking her shopping and to the hairdresser may be seen by her as a criticism, not an attempt at bonding.

I think the best advice I have ever heard about parenting is to parent the child you actually have, not the one you want. It sounds as if you are parenting the girl you want.

And it is very common for parents to visibly favour one or more children over others, but not see it. I have seen it many times. It is hard to see a situation as it really is when you are in the middle of it. If she is saying you favour her brothers, then she certainly believes that.

Favouring is not about who you spend most time on. It is about positive interactions, how harshly you judge someone, and how much you show you care. When you have a negative relationship with a child, you can get into a spiral that is hard to get out of. Most of your interactions end up being negative ones, and this just reinforces the poor relationship. Read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. Actually listening to teenagers can make a big difference to your relationship. Most parents think they listen, but they don't.

So if she says - I am unhappy with xxxx. Most parents jump in and say you are wrong to be unhappy with that, or that is not what happened. That is not really listening. It is hard emotionally, but just listen to what she say. You can say things to show you are listening like - you sound very angry, or you sound very hurt. But by listening you will get a better idea of what she really thinks.

Every day she caused arguments between everyone
Sorry but this is not true. It takes two people to cause an argument. She may start things, but it is also about how others react.

Yeah it’s all well and good people telling you to stay calm but it’s really hard work when it’s every day and it’s intense and extreme (like mad lies) and it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I am naturally quite lightheartedly sarcastic/silly and DD doesn’t always get it and takes offence and I find myself having to back pedal so I really have to watch what I say and how I say it

Pookie Except saying she is gay may not be a lie.
Also when teenagers lie, that usually comes from very low self esteem.

@Springwalk honestly, I wish my mum had been like you!

You're modelling such emotional security and stability, your DD will learn that from you. It must be incredibly hard not to react when she's yo-yo-ing, but absolutely the best thing to do.

My DM was very unstable, so when I was struggling with my emotions we set each other off and a small situation would turn into crisis. She'd throw me out the house (age 13) at 11pm at night and tell me I was a horrible person. I learnt that love was conditional and dangerous and I'm very limited contact with her now.

OP, what kind of relationship would you like in the future with your DD? This will pass, but how you react and how much you're there for her will stay in both your memories. And for goodness sake do not tell her you don't like her. My DM said that to me, and I still struggle with self esteem.

I can’t comment on whether her sexuality is a lie I think it’s sad when the trust has broken down this much so you don’t know what to believe. That’s the issue here

I regained a lot of trust with DD by letting her do things and not asking questions about it, but her abiding by the usual rules. I needed to give her less opportunity to need to tell lies by giving her more freedom

I don't know where to begin. You could be my mum. She didn't like me. Preferred my brother. It shows and as a kid you know it. She's the child. You're the adult/ parent. Stop blaming her for everything. Take responsibility for your own feelings. You don't need spa/ pamper days. You need to insist on some 1:1 time. A dog walk. A movie. No phones. You don't have to talk just now. Just make the habit.

Unfortunately I was the exact same with my mum at the same age, I was a nightmare and I feel absolutely awful looking back. It got better as I came out of my A Levels and left to go to uni and now me and my mum get on better than we ever have before. It sounds like its quite common, and it must be hormone related- there wasn't a specific trigger for me, but like your daughter I was a wonderful child then switched in my teenage years then switched back again as I became an adult.

Sorry OP , hang in there, your daughter loves you, she's just going through a difficult time in her life with lots of changes. She'll appreciate every thing you do eventually

Forgot to add, continue to love her and being there for her, never react and blow your lid with her- this will make everything a thousand times worse. Ignore people saying that this is your fault, it is not. Girls , hormonally, have a lot more going on with them. Plus, if she is gay/bi this will just add to all her problems. Keep going OP, your doing a good job x

About 90% of that describes me as a teen with my mum. The only thing that springs to mind are keeping up with the usual good morning, how are you, her saying thank you. Mums of teen daughters deserve medals

My brother and my dad would dig at me, tease me, basically lots it over me and then when I reacted to this I would get in trouble, even though this felt unfair at the time because what they were doing hurt me. If I didn't react I just felt shit about myself so it was a lose lose situation.

Likewise, although it was just my brother, not my dad. I'm sure my parents would say there was no issue and my brother and I just argued like normal children. Looking back, his behaviour would have been regarded as bullying had it come from any other child. My mum would repeatedly tell me to ignore him on the grounds that he would stop if I did but she never told him to stop. She did however tell many people, both in my earshot and when she thought I couldn't hear, that girls are more difficult than boys. But without being aware of it, she was parenting us very differently.

It did strike me OP that you said how well you got on with your three boys but not with your DD. There are studies out there that show that behaviour we tolerate or even laud in boys we discourage in girls without necessarily realising what we're up to. This article is interesting on gender difference and equality www.britishcouncil.org/voices-magazine/how-approach-teaching-gender-equality-boys-and-girls I think often we expect boys to be easier and so are more relaxed and tolerant which might make them easier.