I dislike my daughter

[Harveys4557]

I feel an absolute failure and horrible person for writing this but I don’t like my daughter. She is 14, almost 15 and I really struggle to have that mother daughter relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and wouldn’t want anything to happen to her but I sometimes wish I could put her into care. When she was growing up she was a lovely polite girl with lots of friends and adults couldn’t compliment me enough about her. Now she is a lying deceitful troublemaking child. She is the second child and has 3 brothers who are 16, 12 and 10. Every chance she gets she tries to get them into trouble or bring them into a situation when she is being told off. We are a close and stable family but she chooses to set herself away from the rest of us. We went on a family holiday to Turkey in August 2018 and she made the 2 wks a living hell. Every day she caused arguments between everyone. She said that she is the black sheep of the family and she is abused by me, my husband and 3 boys because we do nothing but pick on her. She said she was going to tell her School about how we treat her. I honestly don’t know what to do. I try in every way to involve her. I thought she might be jealous because I am very close to my 3 boys so have arranged for just me and her to do things together like shopping, going to the hairdressers etc but she acts sullen and barely speaks to me. She has little or no respect for anyone in the family. If I am giving her into trouble she will either walk out or argue back. I am scared to even say good morning to her because I never know what mood she will be in. I only have to ask her a simple question and she will fly off the handle. If we fall out before she goes to school I think of her all day and send her messages asking if she’s ok which she ignores. When she comes in I will tell her that I’ve thought about her all day and want us to talk things through. She usually just shrugs her shoulders and tells me that she hasn’t thought of me at all. I know it could just be her age and maybe we have to try and work through this but it has been going on for about 3 years now. Ever since she started her period. She has no pride in her appearance, doesn’t wear make up or takes care of her hair. She said to me about a year ago she was bisexual, I told her it didn’t matter if she was straight, gay or Bi as long as she was happy. 6 months ago she told me she was gay. Again I said it didn’t matter what she was, as long as she was happy. She has told me in the past that she has a gf. I’ve said to invite her round for dinner so we can meet her and she goes crazy saying I’m poking my nose into her business. I would do the exact same thing if she was dating a boy. She tells the most ridiculous lies too. Lies about things people have said and done. I think the bi/gay thing is probably a lie too for attention. (I would never say that to her though) She was boy crazy just over a year ago. Anyway, I’ve waffled on enough, I just don’t know what to do about her. She already hates me, I feel like giving up.

Back off. She’s telling you that even if she still needs you, she doesn’t want to be Mummy’s little girl any more. Alone, think through your most basic ground rules and standards, double check that they aren’t harsher than those for your —golden— boys, and give them to her. Then stick to them. Give her a list of the sanctions she can expect for breaking your rules, at the same time. Stick to those too. Thereafter, be matter-of-fact about your relationship. Don’t pursue her. Offer praise where warranted and don’t make a big deal of her failures. Give her as long as she needs. Your daughter is an adult, albeit Avery young, inexperienced and uncertain one. Accept that your relationship has to be on her terms now, not yours.

‘a very’. Not sure how Avery got in there.

Another one who thinks you are trying too hard. Just be there and don't intrude. Not everyone wants to be their mum's best friend. Your and your husband's roles are to provide a stable and loving background for her. She will mature in time.

I know a family who had family therapy and it helped them a lot.

The root of the problem came as a huge surprise to the mum, although I could have told her (but didn't as she wouldn't have had it from me!).

My mum would have preferred a girly daughter and I was very aware that I did not live up to what she wanted. She favoured my brother as well, apparently after he came she visibly lost interest.

If you asked her about our relationship I think she'd say it was fine. From my POV it is difficult, not close, I would never tell her anything personal and she still reserves her affection for DB.

So this colours my answers but I see the things > you have not a bad word to say for your 3 sons at all, they are great, you are close, she causes all the trouble and for them (they NEVER do anything wrong or wind her up EVER???) you try to get her to go to the hairdresser as a fun activity I mean that's quite weird.

Yes teens can be an outrageous PITA but you need to consider if you are contributing to this.

I agree with pp: try to scale it down.

I am sure she is making your life very difficult, but the calmer you can stay the better.

The reason people mentioned her hair and not wearing makeup was that it was one of the first things you commented on yourself, as if you thought that had special significance. Of course it can be a sign of depression, but it could equally be a sign that you had expectations of a daughter, and of the mother-daughter relationship. Hard for us to know.

"I have been thinking about you all day"- way too intense. Partly because it gives her too much power, but also because it sends the signal that she is single-handedly responsible for your emotional wellbeing. Go out and have a nice time instead, be a bit casual, fake it until you make it.

And of course, don't blame all family arguments on her: she is responsible for anything unpleasant she says, but not for whether two family members then carry on arguing.

There is a risk that she will become the person who symbolises everything that is not absolutely perfect about your family. Better to accept that arguments happen.

At the same time, I am sympathetic about the treading on eggshells: I have lived in similar situations myself. But I have found casual handles it best.

pookiedo

What I mean is, if both children swear do you react in the same way? Not punishing one for nothing but same level of reaction for the same behaviour.

She sounds like me when I was a teenager. I had 3 easy going brothers and wrecked many holidays and days out. My parents tried everything, and to be honest I don’t know what they could have done differently. I don’t think there’s a parenting technique that would work when somebody has that outlook. I didn’t want to be happy.

It’s taken me a long time to admit it but I had anxiety, chronic self esteem issues and self-loathing. I was so unhappy at School, I couldn’t find my place at all. I hate myself when I look back for all the times I made everything about me and for the way I treat my family, especially my Mum.

What I am trying to say is underneath it all I loved my Mum, I craved her love even while pushing her away. I can’t explain why, but it may help you to know that even if your Daughter shouts or says she hates you, if all she does is push you away she may be like me underneath and wishing you would come back one more time and hoping she could find a way to accept your love.

Karma is paying me back now with a very stubborn, strong-willed, highly sensitive 5 year old boy. He is like a teenager sometimes the way he acts and even though I’ve been there, I’m at a loss for how to handle him sometimes.

Back off a bit. Stand by with dustpan and brush. Be glad she's not pregnant or on drugs. She goes to school, she's safe. Just be there, she can't be your friend now. They do become human again, it could take a while. Enjoy flashes of lovely girl, enforce minimum standards and try to be relaxed. Nightmare!

How can your dd have caused arguments between everyone? Sounds like she’s the scapegoat to me.
How’s your relationship with your mum?

I think you'll struggle to make any real changes to your daughter's behaviour at this age. I was a particularly defiant teenager and quite frankly horrible to my parents, mainly mum. You just have to ride it out, don't make yourself miserable seeking affection from her, it will come in time. Maybe a change in tact will make her realise she's driving a wedge between you but for some it take a lot longer/maybe never. I only really formed a closer bond with my mother in my mid/late twenties. I think the reality is we assume our kids like us, I didn't particularly like my mother at all.

I understand your pain! My daughter is 15 and occasionally acts the same. I am convinced it's the hormones. I think it's a wave you just have to ride. She was worse 12 months ago, but as she approaches 16 she's improving. She's becoming more thoughtful now, she was all 'me, me, me' a year ago. It's difficult to strike that balance between being loving and being firm. I think it's important to still be both no matter her behaviour. They will only see your letting them get away with too much as weakness and won't thank you for it. I'm a pretty strict mom but teenage girls are a force to be reckoned with! It will get better!

I actually am going against the grain here. A lot of your OP rang alarm bells for me. It very much sounds like an ‘us and her’ household whether you have meant it to be that way or not. I think she sounds terribly unhappy and going through a very bad time 😔

@SolitudeAtAltitude I agree. This really stood out to me:

and adults couldn’t compliment me enough about her.

She reflected well on you when she was little and polite you could make sure she looked nice. Now she’s growing up, hormonal, “takes no pride in her appearance”, “won’t wear makeup” and nobody’s “complimenting you” on your daughter.

She’s the only girl, she will unconsciously know you are “closer” to your boys, she’s putting feelers out and testing boundaries - all completely normal behaviour. She’s growing up and trying to separate from you and although it’s difficult for you, it’s ten times harder for her.

I think you’re trying too hard to get close to her and getting mixed up between not liking your daughter’s hormonal and often baffling behaviour and not liking your daughter as a person. The latter can be incredibly damaging to a young girl and her self esteem.

Reassert your boundaries firmly but calmly, step back and send fewer texts, give her space, ask her what she would like to do with your one-to-one time. If you reassure her that you always love her and like her as a person but that some of her behaviour is unacceptable, you might have an easier time.

Whether she wears makeup, doesn’t take “pride” in how she looks and so on is - to be blunt - not your business.

You sound quite enmeshed and a tiny bit overinvested in how she reflects on you.

@BlueCornishPixie

Yes
But it’s not mine or DD14’s fault that DD16 swears and DD2 doesn’t

Op will not get good support here on AIBU I have been torn to shreds for loving and being concerned but not getting on with my DD16 and it all being my fault whenever I have tried to reach out for help. If I didn’t love her why would I bother?
But it’s a cardinal sin to say you don’t get along with a child and find it hard to like them and everyone will blame the mother and project all their issues into you from their own childhood

Yes a teenager is perfectly capable of ruining a holiday by causing arguments with everyone and putting the mood down. Usually people try to defend themselves during an argument which is why they escalate from one person being unreasonable into 2 people having a spat

I’m just coming out of the other side of this, it’s awful and I really feel your pain, but I’ve got my loving daughter back (except once a month for a few days lol) she will grow out of it, my only advice keep as you are and don’t let your relationship with your boys suffer by putting all your energy into her. Sounds like you are a loving mother so keep trying, she will remember your efforts when she’s older and thank you for it

Ps she’s 19 now

I think giving OP actual worthwhile support and not making her feel worse about herself would help her. Not picking apart her posts and diagnosing OP to be the root and cause of everything that is wrong.
Flogging someone clearly at the end of their tether and struggling is not helpful. You get stuff wrong as a parent and perhaps there are things OP has got wrong which she can self reflect on
She has a DD who has changed clearly dramatically and it’s upsetting and confusing for everyone

I'm in the camp on PPS Sonders at Al.

And the pp who said you're refusing to acknowledge anything that doesn't fit your narrative.

You run a real risk of losing your DD forever you know, my mother would say we're close and loving....I'd say that I avoid her at length, minimise time when I do have to see her, detest any commitments which carry expectations of her presence, and that the only thing she knows about me is that which any employer would know about me.

She describes me as a horrible, vile teenager who ruined everything all the time.

I didn't do drugs, didn't get pregnant, aced my GCSES.

I was a typical hormonal girl, who had mental health issues to boot (which were made worse because of her).

She clearly showed, and still does, favouritism to my siblings. But she would deny this even now.

You need to hear your DD. Accept some of it is hormones, and the passage of growing from child to woman.

But you also need to see how you fit into and trigger this behaviour.

I'd also look into systemic therapy.

@Harveys4557 warmcoffee, If anything my daughter has been the one favoured.

Okay, that’s your perception. But will you ask your other family members or friends who spend time with your family, if they percieve any favouritism that might be causing problems? Or is your pride more important?

@Pookiedo I don't think anyone is 'ripping OP to shreds' or saying it's a 'cardinal sin' to not get on with a difficult teenager. But some of us think there is a difference between how OP has characterised the problem and some of the things that have unconsciously crept into how she speaks about her daughter. It's easier for unrelated people to spot that kind of meta message - which is presumably why people post on the internet looking for advice about deeply personal problems from strangers.

Also is there a husband/father, and what’s his opinion?

I’m sorry to not be all “it’s ok hun it’s not your fault, all teens are awful it gets better” like some posters, but if you actually want to improve your relationship with your daughter, you will have to consider that you might be partly at fault (in addition to her long list of faults...). If you don’t want to consider that there might be a problem that’s causing her to feel bad and act out, and you don’t think it’s possible to improve the situation so she could feel happier, then what’s the point?

It is though. The thread will just fill up with women telling OP how they felt as a teenager and interjecting how she is clearly the cause of everything, like it already has! No one lives in her family you have a 200 word snapshot and feel it’s ok to tell her that she has damaged her daughter and is lying to herself about her own perception

This doesn’t help OP who is the parent to just make her feel even worse try to find any resolutions or helpful way out, she already feels she’s failed and posted out of frustration - I can feel the first post was pure frustration and a need to vent.

If the first post was just about frustration and a need to vent about the daughter's behaviour why bring in the stuff about her appearance? What does her not wanting to wear make up have to do with her bad attitude?

To me this says a lot about the OP's priorities.

No one is trying to make her feel worse, but she want's advice and so people are giving her things to consider.

Oh you poor thing. I felt like my teenage DD was always angry for a while. I really get the feeling of being careful what to say, etc.

My way of coping was a) put boundaries in place so I wasn't having to do anything REALLY unreasonable, and b) I just kept 'love bombing' her without expecting anything back. I felt hurt a LOT, but I just had to try very hard to not take it personally. I praised and told her I loved her every day etc. A couple of years later, everything is different and easier.

Everything changes is my motto!

Some of the behaviours you have described sound a little like undiagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder or acute anxiety. Often girls mask their symptoms and then the anxiety comes out in other ways - lying, arguing, refusing to do things, attention seeking. Please google it and have a chat with your GP if you do see any similarities. Some children show no signs at school but their behaviour is horrendous at home.

My daughter wasn't diagnosed until 11 and I felt much the same as you and completely bewildered why everything was so difficult particularly holidays and family events -we tried all parenting techniques and were very strict but it only made matters worse because it was all just carefully masked anxiety. Even she didn't understand why she was reacting the way she did. Thankfully she is now a lot better because she has the right support in place. We finally understand what her anxiety triggers are so we can all work around them.