I dislike my daughter

[Harveys4557]

I feel an absolute failure and horrible person for writing this but I don’t like my daughter. She is 14, almost 15 and I really struggle to have that mother daughter relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and wouldn’t want anything to happen to her but I sometimes wish I could put her into care. When she was growing up she was a lovely polite girl with lots of friends and adults couldn’t compliment me enough about her. Now she is a lying deceitful troublemaking child. She is the second child and has 3 brothers who are 16, 12 and 10. Every chance she gets she tries to get them into trouble or bring them into a situation when she is being told off. We are a close and stable family but she chooses to set herself away from the rest of us. We went on a family holiday to Turkey in August 2018 and she made the 2 wks a living hell. Every day she caused arguments between everyone. She said that she is the black sheep of the family and she is abused by me, my husband and 3 boys because we do nothing but pick on her. She said she was going to tell her School about how we treat her. I honestly don’t know what to do. I try in every way to involve her. I thought she might be jealous because I am very close to my 3 boys so have arranged for just me and her to do things together like shopping, going to the hairdressers etc but she acts sullen and barely speaks to me. She has little or no respect for anyone in the family. If I am giving her into trouble she will either walk out or argue back. I am scared to even say good morning to her because I never know what mood she will be in. I only have to ask her a simple question and she will fly off the handle. If we fall out before she goes to school I think of her all day and send her messages asking if she’s ok which she ignores. When she comes in I will tell her that I’ve thought about her all day and want us to talk things through. She usually just shrugs her shoulders and tells me that she hasn’t thought of me at all. I know it could just be her age and maybe we have to try and work through this but it has been going on for about 3 years now. Ever since she started her period. She has no pride in her appearance, doesn’t wear make up or takes care of her hair. She said to me about a year ago she was bisexual, I told her it didn’t matter if she was straight, gay or Bi as long as she was happy. 6 months ago she told me she was gay. Again I said it didn’t matter what she was, as long as she was happy. She has told me in the past that she has a gf. I’ve said to invite her round for dinner so we can meet her and she goes crazy saying I’m poking my nose into her business. I would do the exact same thing if she was dating a boy. She tells the most ridiculous lies too. Lies about things people have said and done. I think the bi/gay thing is probably a lie too for attention. (I would never say that to her though) She was boy crazy just over a year ago. Anyway, I’ve waffled on enough, I just don’t know what to do about her. She already hates me, I feel like giving up.

I was a cunt to my mum and dad between 14/18,I'm 39 now and my mum still doesn't talk about those years.I was rude, selfish,ungrateful and a bitch.I grew out of it though and I have a great relationship with them now,I was hanging around with bad crowd and it was rubbing off on me.

Sounds to me she is trying to find something to rebel against because she feels angry, and there isn't anything!
However, it may be worth getting to the bottom of what is bugging her.
I was nasty and snappy at home because I was being bullied, for instance. xx

You could be talking about me twenty years ago... And about my daughter...

She'll get past it. Hormones are a bitch. Periods are a bitch. Being a girl in our society is a nightmare. She's dealing with a lot, but she'll come through it. Don't let her get away with bad behaviour, but try to still see her as who she was before the hormones took over. She's still in there. Keep persevering.

I'm going to go against the grain a little, but only to try and offer another perspective. I think my mum would have written your post when I was a teenager - except unlike the other posters experiences, my perspective mum was pretty awful.

In my mum's eyes I was an abomination. She told me how she loved me but didn't like me, asked me what happened to her lovely little girl, and called me a selfish bitch. I didn't drink, do drugs, sleep around, stay out late or break the law. I had a messy bedroom, a smart mouth, crippling depression and I was terribly lonely.

As the natural unconditional admiration phase of childhood came to an end, my mum never tried to earn my affection. She didn't know anything I cared for, or tried to find out. There are many more specific examples too.

I am not saying you are anything like my mum, but maybe there's a nugget in my experience your daughter could recognise. It sounds like she could do with some regular, no-pressure time with you so that you can both get to the bottom of this, and at least make it to the other side of the teen years with some positives in your relationship

How does she get on with her brothers? Do they irritate her or anything?

warmcoffee, If anything my daughter has been the one favoured. My boys just get on with it where as so many attempts have been made to engage her interest. Yes we have tried many different things and activities with her including things she enjoys. It’s once those activities are over and the attention is elsewhere when she likes to cause drama. I would never in a million years criticise her looks or how she dresses etc. She is free to be and look like the person she wants to be. Going shopping etc were ways to try and engage her, not make her into something I want her to be. As for the ‘she probably knows I think her being bi/gay is a lie’ is absolute rubbish. I haven’t said those words to anyone and have told her that I am behind her 100% whatever her sexuality. It was merely an example of the kind of things she lies about.

I think grounding her indefinitely is a terrible idea. It won't solve the problem it'll just reinforce the impression she has of herself as the bad child. I think you're being naive in thinking nice days out will suddenly stop her being a hormonal teenager.
When I was a teenager and felt left out of family life I'd push them away even more as a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. I think you need to find positive interactions wherever possible.

I maybe projecting but this feels like a post my my could have written about me.

My mum clearly favoured my brother, her reactions to him were different, her expectations of him were different. If we fought, it was always my fault. I would get in trouble for things that she would say 'poor db' to, this in turn made my behaviour worse because I was angry and upset by how unfair everything seemed. And it would spiral.

I think sometimes once a child gets a reputation for being the difficult one in the family the parents then react differently to that child, which makes the child feel like their siblings are favoured and leads to anger and resentment.

My mum would have said "we are a close family" but this wasn't true, it was just what she wanted and the pressure of conforming to that was too much for me and I hated it. I hated this constant 'happy family' because actually I wasn't happy.

My brother and my dad would dig at me, tease me, basically lots it over me and then when I reacted to this I would get in trouble, even though this felt unfair at the time because what they were doing hurt me. If I didn't react I just felt shit about myself so it was a lose lose situation.

A lot of the things in your post remind me of me, it might be different but have a think if you maybe do react differently to your DD knowing you think she is difficult

I would definitely stop trying so hard. Give her space, listen if SHE wants to talk, otherwise, don't add to the noise. Help her when SHE asks. Stop forcing outings unless she sounds really keen. Allow her to choose things - she may not want to at all.

I was similar at that age. Everything was a real struggle and I felt my parents were just too much, too annoying, too invasive. Looking back they weren't that bad, just trying to work out how to navigate the situation like you are.

Just be there for her, but with a light touch. Stay positive and breezy, don't take it personally.

I also agree with PP that she will have picked up that you dislike her and don't respect her in things like her sexuality. I'm not suggesting it's intentional or your fault but just a fact.

I reread your OP. Are you sure your three boys are always innocent of everything all the time? Or do they wind her up knowing that she'll get in trouble and they won't?

It does seem a bit odd that you have nothing bad to say about your three ds's, but a lot to say about your dd. I would be interested to hear her side of the story. It well may be that everything is just as you say, but it seems a bit odd that sometimes wish you could put your one daughter into care, but you are very close to all three sons.

I was also a nightmare teen daughter. I treated my parents like dirt, because I was so angry at the world. It was hormones, I think, and I’ve grown out of it now. I hadn’t thought until reading your post how my mom must have really disliked me for a number of years. Makes me a bit sad. My mom never let on that she disliked me, so maybe that’s something you can keep doing? I was a really angry and sad teenager, it was a really rough time, and maybe your daughter is going through that. Kids generally act out the worst to the people who they believe will never reject them. And there’s a saying that I sometimes see on Facebook that I’m reminded of - something like “children need your love the most when they deserve it the least”.

But you don’t react the same way to every person in your life even your DC. My DD14 doesn’t swear around me, doesn’t lie and is a pretty amicable easy going person. I can’t punish DD14 to please DD16 and make her feel it is more equitable when DD14 does not do things that would cause friction. Your reactions ARE different sometimes

My expectations and rules have always been the same but DD16 ‘hates School’ and won’t engage and DD14 likes School and makes effort. Again this makes it really hard with a parent expectations and reactions to each child because they are different people.

I remember being 14. I was beyond wayward despite a good solid upbringing. I hated my parents at that age I thought they were literally out to make me unhappy and ruin my life. Could you take her away for a weekend doing something/to somewhere of her choice?

I can’t speak for OP but I get how it can seem she isn’t slagging off the boys if they are just generally easy going with some small bickering over shoes left in the hallway and lost bus money whereas with one child the disagreements are so much bigger and intense. I really get how that feels and it’s infuriating because you aren’t choosing a favourite, you just don’t have as much drama with the other child/ren

" I am very close to my 3 boys" this sticks out OP. She will know how you feel about YOUR special boys even if you are trying not to show it.

I’m another one OP. I love my dd, she’s 30 and we’re very close. She often apologises for the way she behaved as a teenager! OMG she was horrible. My son was an easy teenager, I guess you never know what you’re going to get.
Take a step back is my advice. Smile and nod.

Sounds very rough and I feel for you.

However Every day she caused arguments between everyone

There needs to be ownership here. We are responsible for our involvement in arguments. She can’t be held responsible for all arguments between other people

As for the ‘she probably knows I think her being bi/gay is a lie’ is absolute rubbish. I haven’t said those words to anyone and have told her that I am behind her 100% whatever her sexuality. It was merely an example of the kind of things she lies about.

But she might not be lying. She's 14-15, an age where most teens start trying to work out who they are. Maybe she really does think she's gay - or maybe she really is gay. Or maybe she wants to be gay to avoid the pressure that can come along with being around teenage boys? I'm aware of the whole online "being gay is self care" stuff and some of it is herd mentality, but also possibly self preservation.

I tend to agree with warmcoffee and others.

Whether you realise it or not you clearly favour your DSs and your DD will pick up on this.

As long as she was a good and biddable child you thought she was alright but as soon as teenage comes - and her behaviour while difficult is quite obviously linked to hormones etc - you go right off her.

Children pick up on these things.

You trying to bond with her by doing things that she doesn't like won't have helped either. She will be thinking you either don't know/care what she's interested in or just can't be bothered and would rather force her into doing things you think she should like.

If you and the 3 boys are close then she IS the outsider and that is a horrible feeling.

You don't mention your partner much, is there one, how they fit in all this?

Oh dear, it is her age. Her hormones and moods are all over the place.
But make sure she has plenty of Vitamin B6, as it may help pre-menstrual tension. But please go slightly deaf, it is really useful not to hear a lot of stuff and not react.

On another element of this actually ask the quieter less dramatic DC how this affected them too - it does. They are scared of a sibling, have to listen to the warring parties and don’t get as much attention as they go under the radar as mother is trying to help the troubled child. Often any attention is at least attention for a teen stuck in a depression or negative mindset they struggle to make positive interactions and reject them, then feel more rejected so you try harder and harder to get their love - which they push away

You're trying too hard.

Get wise.

Arseholey behaviour gets phone lost, money for planned activities doesn't come forward etc etc.

Stop trying to micro manage her emotions and pick through her. Honestly, it sounds very full on. Take an interest, have a laugh and a joke by all means but stop trying to.peel her layers. She's just finding herself.

I'm another one cringing at what an absolute thundercunt I was at that age. And feel guilty about my poor brother looking back who did just rock off and get on with things, slowly working away and keeping out of trouble whilst his 3 sisters screeched their way through any scrap of attention going.

I feel like you're only reading the responses that suit your narrative. What leapt out of your OP at me was the phrase 'we're a close and stable family' - and yet you're posting on an internet forum about disliking your daughter so much you'd like to put her in care?! I do think you need to take on board some of the less emollient comments and ask yourself honestly, if you can, how you personally or the family dynamics generally might be contributing to this situation. Only then can you look objectively at other things that might be going wrong for your daughter, for instance undiagnosed hormonal problems, undiagnosed autism, mental health problems, gender or body dysphoria, etc. I feel so sorry for your DD, who is obviously very unhappy and instead of care and understanding is being fobbed off with concert tickets and hair appointments.

hmm, I am picking up on a few things that you may want to think about:

• you loved it when she was polite, lovely and popular
• but you hate how she has changed and is difficult now and does not care about her appearance

Do you subconsciously wish for a pretty, popular, compliant girl? Do you have similar expectations of your boys? Do they care about their appearance sufficiently, or is this only a problem for girls? Just asking

It almost sounds like she is refusing to live up to your expectations of her, and she does not want to be a popular pretty "nice" girl

Another thing, the thing where you tell her you were thinking of her all day, that is pretty emotionally intense, and hard to handle for anyone, even more for a teen.

I'd try to be more matter of fact, scale back the emotionally intense reactions, be matter-of-fact with her. Treat her like you would your boys.