AIBU to ask how much of your life you put on holof your children?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Firstly - I just want to say that this is not a SAHP/WOHP debate or bashing, I’m simply just talking about my own situation.

I have two sons, aged 5 and almost 2 and I have a job that I love 99% of the time.

After going back to work following the birth of my second son I reduced my hours to 25 a week mainly because I wanted to be at home more for my children. I currently work two days a week (sometimes an extra day for some extra money) and otherwise I am home with the children. For the 2-3 days a week that I work they are in paid childcare.

I love being able to spend so much time with them, I love being able to take my son to school and pick him up, I love being able to go for days out with my youngest, I love it that I can attend assemblies at my son’s school and go in on the days they have activities for the parents to join in with etc and I feel that me being around so much is really important to me and to them.

When I was a child my mom worked Mon-Fri, 9-5 and when I look back on my childhood I don’t have that many memories of general day-to-day life with her because most of my time was spent in childcare. I would have loved her to have been around more and it’s partly because of that, that I made the decision to reduce my hours at work after my second son.

However - I have very recently seen a job advertised that sounds fantastic and it has always been something I have considered doing and I think I would really enjoy it. Career wise, it would make real sense to apply for the job and if I got it then it would mean climbing up the next rung of the ladder, but the timing just feels so bad because of the children

The job is full time and due to the hours it would dramatically cut down on how much time I spend with my children and it would mean that I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things that I mentioned above regarding the benefits of me only working two days a week.

My children would be in childcare five days a week and I would probably only seen them for 3 hours a day (Mon-Fri) which I can’t even imagine doing

Part of me knows that these early years with them are so important and that I have another 20 years left in my career to think about myself but it still feels a bit crappy to not apply for a job that I think I’d be really good at and love because I I’m putting my children’s needs before my own.

My husband works Mon-Fri, leaves the house at 7am and is back at 5pm and it’s not an issue at all - so why do I feel so, so guilty about potentially doing the same?

I know that I will never get these years back with my children and that I’m incredibly lucky to be able to work part time so why am I feeling so conflicted about what to do?

I see it said on here all the time that on our death bed we will never say “I wish I had worked more” over saying “I wish I had been at home more.” (or something to that affect).

I’m sorry this is so long - I’m just rambling because I feel so confused about what I should do.

I haven’t mentioned the job to my husband yet because I want to get my thoughts straight in my head first in terms of whether I apply for it or not.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Or can anyone offer any general advice?

Would your DH think about working part time so you could take a great job?

This is irrelevant though as the reason I’m so apprehensive is because I can’t imagine being away from my children for so long. Even if the children were with my DH instead of a childminder it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not with them.

If I applied for this job and got it, I would be out of the house from 8am until 6pm (due to commute) and then the children go to bed at 7pm. I would see them for about two hours a day, that’s all, and I just can’t see how that would benefit either them or me.

I don’t think your husbands hours are irrelevant - you talk of being able to attend assemblies, events at school - and you know perfectly well that if your dh was part time he could do (some) or these and so your children would have a parent there. I am part time and I will admit it’s because I want to be there - dh is both capable and has done it in the past and would jump at the chance to do it again.

But that's because it's only women who are under societal pressure to be both full time engaged parents and career women

And it's important to challenge this.
Every time someone said to me how awful it was that I worked full time or even told me they'd give me 6 months before i requested part time hours I asked them if they'd asked my DH the same thing ( we worked together at the time)

Of course they hadn't but i hope it made them question their judgmental attitudes.

If I had a daughter one of the things I would impress upon her would be to focus on her career so as not to leave herself in a vulnerable position later on should her marriage not last

While I completely understand your view I differ in that would teach my daughter and will teach my son that you should not conform to what other people try to impress on you and you should live your life to be happy in whatever way works for you. I also hope that they have been brought up in such a way that they can make informed decision and do want is right for them. Your career should not define you as a person and do what makes you happy. Life too short.

Bourbonbiccy yes well that was my philosophy also, unfortunately it did not protect me from a financially ruinous marriage and what is looking likely to be a financially precarious old age.
I probably wouldn't have taken on board this advice 20 years ago either, believing that things would always work out OK. It just rankles that men rarely make the sacrifces in order to have a family.

My Mum went back to work when I was part way through primary. My memories are of goofing around at the child-minder's house instead of at home, and the child-minder always had home baking. I was friends with child-minder's daughter so I had someone to goof around with instead of being at home with just my mum (and no home baking).

The bit I could have done without was as her career progressed, once I was at High School and just went home, let myself in and wait for her to get home, was when she would come home in a foul mood, stressed about work. I remember watching Home and Away knowing she'd be home soon and dreading what mood she'd be in.

I’ve spoken to DH about it a bit more tonight and I’m going to ring them tomorrow and see if they will accept applications from people who would prefer part time hours.

Afterall, if you don’t ask you don’t get?

After all, if you don’t ask you don’t get?

Yeah I think that’s a smart move. I wonder how much we limit ourselves by deciding that ‘oh they’ll never go for that’ without actually knowing.

You don’t lose by asking.

And good luck

It is difficult to say without knowing how much you earn etc, and how much difference this new job would make to all your lives. Also would an opportunity like this come up again?
I probably wouldn't to be honest, as I want to be around for mine as much as possible while they are young. This is for my benefit as much as theirs, I love being at home with them.
I am starting a new job, working 16 hours a week and that is enough for us. My youngest is only 1.5 though.
We have an okay income, just above the cut off for any help, so me earning £500 per month will make a big difference to our quality of life. I will do more hours again when my youngest is at school.
It is a personal decision, there is no right or wrong answer.

With my 25 hours I earn about £1’400 but this can vary a little depending on how many weekend shifts I do a month.

The new job will definitely pay more but the increased outgoings of childcare and petrol costs world eradicate most of the pay increase.

To be honest no, these jobs don’t care me up much, in fact it’s the first time I’ve seen it advertised in about 5 years. It’s a specialised role that only consists of three members of staff so vacancies are very rare and only occur if one team member leaves.

I love being at home with my children and 99% of the time I life my current job......but there’s just this feeling inside me of “what if....” regarding possibly getting this job. I keep imagining myself doing it and it feels good.

Have you had an interview yet? Maybe do the interview and see if you get it, then decide from there.

I feel that you’re putting the cart before the horse a little bit. In the nicest way possible, you might not even get the job. But at least if you apply and go through the process you will know how you feel about it better. And if you do get it and decide to give it a go and it doesn’t work out for you, it’s not irreversible. Just quit and go back to being at home. At least you won’t be always wondering then.

highstress - no I haven’t, my quandary is whether to even apply for it. Based on their required/essential criteria it is likely I would get an interview though but that would just leave me in an even more of a quandary. All this talk of me getting the job is hypothetical.

If when I ring them today and they say they will accept applications from people who want to work part time then I will apply, but if they say it’s for a full time position only then I sharn’t. The benefits don’t outweigh the negativity of seeing my children so little.

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to say my Mum was a SAHP for most of my childhood and my Dad became a SAHP as well around the time I started secondary school. I don't remember much of day to day life. We had no money and they were generally crap parents. Being a SAHP or a WOHP won't make you a good or bad parent. If you did get the job, try to focus on having quality time with them, that could mean just as much to them as you being around a lot more. They will be fine, it just depends on what you want.

Some of the terms on this thread are so insulting! I’m a sahm and I have certainly not ‘put my life on hold’ or ‘given everything up’ for my children. Yes my life is different from before but it’s not on hold just because I don’t spend 35 hours a week in paid employment. There is more to life than paid work. I still have hobbies, see friends and family etc, the only thing missing is work.
I love that I am always there to pick the kids up from school and we never have to worry about childcare in the holidays.
There are many many other ways to be fulfilled than sitting at a desk for 35 hours a week making other people richer! (But then I didn’t particularly like my career in the first place )

I think you've answered your own question - it seems quite clear from your responses that you don't want the job if it's full time. I guess sometimes you need to see it written down to decide!

Good luck with the call today, hopefully they will at least consider part time.

HI OP, good idea to at least ask about the pt. Good luck!

There is more to life than paid work. [...] There are many many other ways to be fulfilled than sitting at a desk for 35 hours a week making other people richer! (But then I didn’t particularly like my career in the first place)

How fortunate then that someone else is fulfilling themselves sitting at a desk 35 hours a week in order to keep you being fulfilled at home. What happens if that person decides he doesn't much like his career either, or that there's 'more to life than paid work'? Will awkward little issues such as the relationship between 'paid work' and the fact that food, clothes and shelter cost money raise their ugly heads?

I would do a killer application and mention part time on there - rather than a phone call from a random which is easier to say no to. You can of course wait until offered the job to ask but it’s a risky strategy.

If my DH decided he was unhappy in his job then of course I would go back to work to facilitate him doing something else but my point was really to all the pp who seem to think that just because you aren’t in paid employment then your ‘life is on hold’ and you’ve ‘given everything up’. I was just pointing out that I haven’t given everything up actually, just my job. And I am still living my life, it is not on hold!