AIBU to ask how much of your life you put on holof your children?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Firstly - I just want to say that this is not a SAHP/WOHP debate or bashing, I’m simply just talking about my own situation.

I have two sons, aged 5 and almost 2 and I have a job that I love 99% of the time.

After going back to work following the birth of my second son I reduced my hours to 25 a week mainly because I wanted to be at home more for my children. I currently work two days a week (sometimes an extra day for some extra money) and otherwise I am home with the children. For the 2-3 days a week that I work they are in paid childcare.

I love being able to spend so much time with them, I love being able to take my son to school and pick him up, I love being able to go for days out with my youngest, I love it that I can attend assemblies at my son’s school and go in on the days they have activities for the parents to join in with etc and I feel that me being around so much is really important to me and to them.

When I was a child my mom worked Mon-Fri, 9-5 and when I look back on my childhood I don’t have that many memories of general day-to-day life with her because most of my time was spent in childcare. I would have loved her to have been around more and it’s partly because of that, that I made the decision to reduce my hours at work after my second son.

However - I have very recently seen a job advertised that sounds fantastic and it has always been something I have considered doing and I think I would really enjoy it. Career wise, it would make real sense to apply for the job and if I got it then it would mean climbing up the next rung of the ladder, but the timing just feels so bad because of the children

The job is full time and due to the hours it would dramatically cut down on how much time I spend with my children and it would mean that I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things that I mentioned above regarding the benefits of me only working two days a week.

My children would be in childcare five days a week and I would probably only seen them for 3 hours a day (Mon-Fri) which I can’t even imagine doing

Part of me knows that these early years with them are so important and that I have another 20 years left in my career to think about myself but it still feels a bit crappy to not apply for a job that I think I’d be really good at and love because I I’m putting my children’s needs before my own.

My husband works Mon-Fri, leaves the house at 7am and is back at 5pm and it’s not an issue at all - so why do I feel so, so guilty about potentially doing the same?

I know that I will never get these years back with my children and that I’m incredibly lucky to be able to work part time so why am I feeling so conflicted about what to do?

I see it said on here all the time that on our death bed we will never say “I wish I had worked more” over saying “I wish I had been at home more.” (or something to that affect).

I’m sorry this is so long - I’m just rambling because I feel so confused about what I should do.

I haven’t mentioned the job to my husband yet because I want to get my thoughts straight in my head first in terms of whether I apply for it or not.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Or can anyone offer any general advice?

I agree with MyDCareMarvel. I think your kids need you, the job would be nice but it’s not essential. The balance you’ve got at the moment sounds really good. Full time sounds stressful.
Plus you sound like you want to be around with your DC and don’t want to work full time so I think unfortunately it’s bad timing.
I definitely sacrificed a career and promotion for DC.

Obviously, it is your husbands turn to reduce his hours.

I was in a similar position a year ago. I was on mat leave with my 3rd baby when an amazing work opportunity came up. I had always planned on an 18 month mat leave and then going back part time after that but the opportunity meant I would have to to back before my year was up and full time. I ended up getting the position and was so torn!! I really wanted it, felt I deserved it and also wanted the nice big pay increase that went along with it. But I was devastated thinking about missing my baby and kids (4 and 5 years old) I negotiated one month extra mat leave and then working from home once a week when I was back. My baby had to go to FT daycare and the boys were in school. I honestly had my well deserved dream job and hated every second of it. The baby did not adjust well to daycare. My boys hated after school club (they had gotten used to being picked up every day since I was on mat leave). I was so stressed and realized I made the wrong choice. Just a few weeks into the role, my husband was offered a new work opportunity in a new country with a major pay raise. Seemed like a blessing, I could be a SAHM without any financial worry. I kept working over the next 4 months until our visas came through and it was time to move. By this time the baby adjusted wonderfully to daycare, the boys made friends at after school club and I settled into a very good routine with work/home. Then we moved and I became a SAHM. Now I'm enjoying TONS of time with my children (maybe too much time?) but really don't have much going on in my life except looking after kids. Also I'm panicking about my career prospects when we move back home in 3 years. Anyways the moral of this story is, go for the job and see what happens. Nothing is set in stone and you can always change your mind. If you do take the job, give it at least 4-6 months for everything to settle down and then re-evaluate. It might be hard at first but you will all likely adapt.

When I went back full time dh reduced his hours. Flex working legally has to be available for all (doesn’t have to be accepted, but what sex you are should be irrelevant).

There is never a right answer but yes children are only for a few years and your career will be a long time.

I have worked both full and part time with children, and both are hard. What I have learnt is that regardless children come first. I may of been at work full time, but I have been at all key school events etc.

I appreciate having a reasonable paid job when the kids want to go to the trampoline park or cinema etc, we can take short breaks most holidays and a nice holiday abroad. My eldest is into expensive sports which I can afford without worrying. My youngest needs a tutor for maths which I can afford. It's not all about the money but it does help.

Thanks everyone,

I mentioned it to my husband night and another factor we have to take into account is that if I took such a job it would mean our childcare costs would be more than double what they are now as we’d be paying for five days childcare a week instead of two.

My husband said we’d manage if we had to but it’s not that simple is it. I don’t know if I want all our spare cash (that we can use to do nice things with the children) being used on childcare.

There's no right or wrong answer here. You don't have to and shouldn't feel guilty if you go for this job and get it, but only you can know what to do.

I chose to be at home when my children were young, I've only recently gone back to work part time now they are much older. That was definitely right for me, my children and our circumstances.

Does your H have similar qualms about working FT? Doubt it.

What will your personal pension provision be like if you remain at your current hours for another three years?

Childcare costs are short term: holiday care is expensive but cheaper than care for toddlersamd pre schoolers. also important to think about the medium and long term finances.

My husband is on a good wage - hence why I was able to drop my hours in the first place. Even when I was full time his wage was a good lot higher than mine so him dropping hours really isnt an option. He’s a teacher so we don’t have to worry about holiday care costs thankfully.

I work for the NHS so the pension is pretty good so I’m not worried about having three years at part time hours.

I think I’m veering towards not applying. There are too many negatives I think.

OP what you have already sounds like a perfect balance.
What do you think your DC would prefer and go with that.
They didn't ask to be here.
I think small DC want to be with parents mostly. Yes socialise... nursery for a bit, other socialising groups... like toddler groups soft play, classes. But with parents.

Fwiw I took 7 years out.

You’re right. My children absolutely would prefer me around. My 5 year old’s face drops on the days I have to work. He looks up at me and says, “Are you going to work today mommy?” and when I have to say yes he always looks so sad.

We’re sitting here now playing a little board game together before I take him to school and it’s lovely.

My mother had a high powered job, and my father was the managing director of a successful company. My childhood was spent largely alone. Even with people around.

No one came to my school plays. No one surprised me with treats after school. No one took me to after school activities. I could do all these things but I had to get myself there.

I gave up full time work as soon as I had my first child because I still can feel the horrible aloneness of when I was little.

Nothing can replace your mother, and nothing like her presence tells you you are loved and valued.

I think apply for it. Give it a go and see how you get on. Once you are in you may also be able to flexi more.
Surely the extra work will pay for childcare if not will the experience lead to higher future wage that will benefit you all long term when you no longer pay for childcare?

I work 4 days. Dh does FT but early pick ups Friday. We use breakfast and after school club. The main downside is we struggle to fit in dc activities but we make it work. I don't think our dc lose out on quality time with us. Other people have dc at home after school they are most often at clubs / activities or play independently, lots just watch tv / game.

When mine were little they were in nursery 4 days and they loved it. They both have very happy memories (and miss their old friends). Was much better than being stuck at home with me. Im no earth mother. I need space and can be a better parent then.

Each to their own.

I would apply for the job without thinking twice. I will definitely not be on my deathbed wishing I’d ‘stayed at home more’. My husband also earns a lot of money, but it ha never occurred to me me to let that be a reason for me to work PT or be a SAHM.

This is something I really tie myself in knots with. I do 3 days which on paper is perfect but it has been a struggle career-wise and I’ve seen myself being put on the mummy track and doing lots of work in an evening or on my non working days which has been stressful. But, I’ve been able to be around.
If I go for a different job, I’ll have to up my days and I’ll feel terribly guilty about it as I do think full time childcare isn’t ideal for the child.

For me, there is a direct tension between progressing my career and doing what is best for the children. Once my eldest goes to school, I have no doubt she’d want to be picked up by a parent, go to activities, have friends to play, have parents come in for assemblies etc but we’ll struggle with that if i up my days. My husband’s job is full-on and we have come to prioritise his role as he is the higher earner.

Basically I’m torn and don’t know what to do.

They're not little for long, no, but you're a parent forever - whereas it's incredibly hard/ impossible to play career catch up.

I recently asked 8yo ds how he feels about us both working full time and him going to a childminder. He looked utterly confused, because he knows no different. After a while of thinking he said: "I love spending time with you, I love spending time with cm. I get to do both." And he shrugged. Had he said he was unhappy and wanted to see more of us then we'd have tried to make some adjustments. But the childcare choices we've made have always had our dc at the heart - they've had the same cm since they were babies, they love her and she loves them. We chose ds's school so we didn't have to remove him from her care and will do the same with dd.

As it happens, I plan to reduce my hours when dd turns 3. But I'm doing that for me having already kept my career on track and worked my way into a position that allows me to work flexibly while retaining credibility with colleagues. I'll go down to 4 days. My current job also means that when ds goes to secondary school I'll be here when he leaves and returns home, as I'm able to work from home. That feels quite important to me as ds approaches teenage years.

What I'm saying is, it doesn't always have to be one thing or the other. Often, staying in work in the early years affords greater flexibility (and commands a bigger salary to accommodate that flexibility) in the long term, depending on your choices. I think there can be too much focus on being there for young children, and that's sometimes more about how we feel rather than how they feel. That's not wrong of course, unless you feel that you're 'putting your life on hold'.

Forget the ridiculous 'death bed' scenario.

Plenty of people - especially women- regret not achieving more in their careers, never finding the path that engaged, excited and rewarded them, a long time before they're on their deathbed.

I should have said "too much focus on being there for young children and not enough on being there as they get older".

Your life sounds lovely right now OP. I wouldn’t apply for the job on your shoes however tempting it might seem. I think you would feel some guilt at putting them in childcare five days a week if I’m honest.

I think you would feel some guilt at putting them in childcare five days a week if I’m honest..

At the minute I’m undergoing a 12 week course to learn to do something that I’m very passionate about and doing so means I have to put my 20 month old in childcare for an extra 5 hours one morning a week and I feel guilty enough about that.

Once I’ve got my qualification it will mean I will need to dedicate a certain amount of hours to it a week, which can be weeknights and weekends, but realistically it will probably involve me using a few more hours of childcare for my youngest whilst my eldest is in school.

The activity I will be doing is voluntary so I won’t get any payment for it which in some way makes my guilt even worse because I will be using extra childcare a week purely just to do something that I really want to do. At least if I was bringing some money in from doing the activity I may find it easier to justify the extra need for childcare.

Personally I wouldn't even apply for the job. You are happy with your life now. Your kids are happy. It isn't forever - you are keeping up your career and there will be other opportunities to advance. You have to want it, and I don't think you do at the moment.

When my dc were 3 and 5, I worked 3 days a week. It was amazing and nothing other than financial pressure could have persuaded me to work ft.

It's totally possible for both parents to work ft but you have to either want to or need to.

Plenty of people - especially women- regret not achieving more in their careers, never finding the path that engaged, excited and rewarded them, a long time before they're on their deathbed.

Well said, Luglio.

And a large part of the 'guilt' women feel at working is guilt they are told by other people, by the media they are supposed to feel, because society still, in 2019, encourages women to see their careers as optional, and ancillary.

And a large part of the 'guilt' women feel at working is guilt they are told by other people, by the media they are supposed to feel, because society still, in 2019, encourages women to see their careers as optional, and ancillary.

I would feel guilty about working F/T but only because I would worry about the effect it would have on my children and my relationship with them, not because I don’t think my career optional.

When I was pregnant with my first son I worked four days a week, 9-5, so I didn’t return to that job after my maternity ended because I didn’t want my son in childcare 4 days a week. I took on another job that was full time hours but spread over three days so I could have 4 days at home with my son.

The job I have seen advertised does look fantastic and it’s something I’ve been interested in from as far back as when I first qualified, it was always an avenue I hoped to tread, but it just doesn’t feel like the right time at the moment.

I guess it’s all a case of working out what I would regret more: potentially missing out on a good career opportunity or being away from my children so much.

I think it depends on often these roles come up. If it's not often go for it, it you cld wait a couple of years more I would. From what you've said I think you would miss them terribly and vice versa.

My mum worked part time when I was little and I remember pining for her while at my nanas after school for a couple of hours or in the holidays.

Now I realise she only worked part time at that stage had it been full time I would have missed her so bad.