AIBU to ask how much of your life you put on holof your children?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Firstly - I just want to say that this is not a SAHP/WOHP debate or bashing, I’m simply just talking about my own situation.

I have two sons, aged 5 and almost 2 and I have a job that I love 99% of the time.

After going back to work following the birth of my second son I reduced my hours to 25 a week mainly because I wanted to be at home more for my children. I currently work two days a week (sometimes an extra day for some extra money) and otherwise I am home with the children. For the 2-3 days a week that I work they are in paid childcare.

I love being able to spend so much time with them, I love being able to take my son to school and pick him up, I love being able to go for days out with my youngest, I love it that I can attend assemblies at my son’s school and go in on the days they have activities for the parents to join in with etc and I feel that me being around so much is really important to me and to them.

When I was a child my mom worked Mon-Fri, 9-5 and when I look back on my childhood I don’t have that many memories of general day-to-day life with her because most of my time was spent in childcare. I would have loved her to have been around more and it’s partly because of that, that I made the decision to reduce my hours at work after my second son.

However - I have very recently seen a job advertised that sounds fantastic and it has always been something I have considered doing and I think I would really enjoy it. Career wise, it would make real sense to apply for the job and if I got it then it would mean climbing up the next rung of the ladder, but the timing just feels so bad because of the children

The job is full time and due to the hours it would dramatically cut down on how much time I spend with my children and it would mean that I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things that I mentioned above regarding the benefits of me only working two days a week.

My children would be in childcare five days a week and I would probably only seen them for 3 hours a day (Mon-Fri) which I can’t even imagine doing

Part of me knows that these early years with them are so important and that I have another 20 years left in my career to think about myself but it still feels a bit crappy to not apply for a job that I think I’d be really good at and love because I I’m putting my children’s needs before my own.

My husband works Mon-Fri, leaves the house at 7am and is back at 5pm and it’s not an issue at all - so why do I feel so, so guilty about potentially doing the same?

I know that I will never get these years back with my children and that I’m incredibly lucky to be able to work part time so why am I feeling so conflicted about what to do?

I see it said on here all the time that on our death bed we will never say “I wish I had worked more” over saying “I wish I had been at home more.” (or something to that affect).

I’m sorry this is so long - I’m just rambling because I feel so confused about what I should do.

I haven’t mentioned the job to my husband yet because I want to get my thoughts straight in my head first in terms of whether I apply for it or not.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Or can anyone offer any general advice?

I would feel guilty about working F/T but only because I would worry about the effect it would have on my children and my relationship with them, not because I don’t think my career optional.

Unless your husband also feels guilty about working FT as a father and you say he's out 7 till 5 pm five days a week without thinking that's a problem then I think you have to accept that this is a socially-mandated guilt. Are you saying that your husband has a poor relationship with his children because of his working hours? If he has never questioned the wisdom or necessity of working FT, but you are, then I think you are thinking of your career as 'optional'.

Most of my memories from my preschool years are either from nursery or from my Nonna’s house. They are not bad memories though. Plus I lived in Italy where almost all children go to ‘scuola materna’ when they turn 3, so I would have been the odd one out if I’d stayed home.
I remember DBro (age 1ish) being super jealous he couldn't come with me when the mini bus came to pick me up in the mornings! (Rural)

I think with whatever you decide there’ll always be good things and bad things. I’ve always worked or studied (or both) since having DS and I’m going back full time after Easter (DS will have just turned 3) and it’s mainly because we were really poor when I was in primary school/teens (no ones ‘fault’, parents both had health probs) and I really hated it...I want to minimise the the chances of that happening to DS by always keeping my career going.

I could be much much further up the career ladder but the jobs I've been offered have all been full time and I want a few days at hone with my toddler so passed them up.

My husband is always saying how much he hates the fact he can’t go to our son’s assemblies and nativity plays etc and that he can never do school drop-offs or pick ups.

My DH does have a fantastic relationship with our children because thankfully they get a lot of time together. I work a lot of full weekends and am out the house for 14 hours on Saturday and Sunday so the three of them have their boy’s weekends and do all sorts of things together. I think my husband also finds it easier working full time because he knows he gets 13 weeks off a year so still has lots of time to spend with our children during the school holidays.

My husband’s mom was a SAHM when he was young and he has lovely memories of her being such a large part of his life, so the complete opposite to the memories I have. He was really supportive when I told him I wanted to reduce my hours after having our second son because although we have taken a financial hit (about £600 drop a month) we both understand, from our experiences, how lovely it can be to have a parent around.

I'd go for the job in a heartbeat, but you're not me and you don't have to do what I say.

My mother was a SAHM but it didn't make much difference to me. If I want to brood on childhood abandonment, I was much more indignant at her having two more babies after me than about any temporary absences. I'll grudgingly admit that I don't mind having brothers now. You can't make all your adult decisions based on the emotions of your five-year-old self.

You'll be doing it for you, because you get a warm fuzzy feeling about being the "right" kind of mother. Fine, but it's not some kind of noble sacrifice for your dcs.

What would the hours of the new job be? I don't know any career style jobs where full time is only 9-5.
9-5 might be manageable, if the employer is flexible, but 50 hours a week, 10 of them unpaid, might not be. Can you find out what hours you'd really be working, and whether there is any flexibility with the hours?

I think you have to consider it as a package of family life and the costs and benefits to the family.

DH has double my earning power and we live comfortably on that. That comes at a cost of his time (long days, flurries of working away). We have no external support so my work and child care arrangements have to be practical to be managed in his absence. DS1 is being investigated for additional needs and struggles with chilcare settings, DS2 is much more flexible. As a package of family life, it works for me and the family to sacrifice my career (particularly in the post-Gove education world which has screwed up teaching, and makes learning much harder for DS1).

My friend has different circumstances with better family support and more economic and personal need to work. My choices would not be right for her.

Sometimes sacrifices and opportunities are short term and lead to better opportunities in the long run.

Make the best choice you can with what you know now. No regrets. Adapt if you have to in the future, but guilt is a pointless emotion.

I see it said on here all the time that on our death bed we will never say “I wish I had worked more” over saying “I wish I had been at home more.” (or something to that affect).

I absolutely hate it when i see this as an argument against working. It doesn't have to be either /or. You are allowed to enjoy work and be proud of what you achieve as well as enjoy spending time with your family.

I love my job and have worked f/t since DS was 10 months. Zero regrets. We have a lovely balance and still get lots of family time. I didn't see any reason why having a child meant I had to sacrifice my career. Men aren't expected to so why should women?

I think the most children will do very well in childcare with two full time working parents. I don’t think it’s something you should feel guilty about unless you found it wasn’t working for your children.

Being at home more doesn’t necessarily mean a better relationship. My mum didn’t work and we barely talk to each other now. Maybe if she’d pursued her career and been happier our relationship would have been better.

I do find it interesting how often people say their husband couldn’t possible reduce hours or change their working pattern to be more family friendly because they are the high earner. I am the high earner and could be even more so if I wanted to apply for a more senior role. I just don’t want that so we both work part time and don’t need to pay for childcare and we are lucky enough that we can do this and still afford to pay the bills even if that doesn’t include lots of holidays or other luxuries.

I was in exactly your position 6 months ago. I took the job and ultimately left within 5 months as I could see my children growing and changing before my eyes but knowing I had missed such a large part of their day. I couldn’t be happier now

What do you think your DC would prefer and go with that. I think small DC want to be with parents mostly. Yes socialise... nursery for a bit, other socialising groups... like toddler groups soft play, classes. But with parents.

This is only one side of the story though. They'd probably also like the money to fund their hobbies, cover university costs, deposit for a flat that the OP working full time might be able to provide.

OP there's no perfect solution here. There are obvious pros and cons of both courses of action. Only you can weigh them up in the light of your own situation. I agree that guilt is a pointless emotion.

A big consideration for me would be how often these jobs come around. If you think the opportunity is likely to be there in a few years, then that puts a very different slant on it.

I went to 3 days a week after DC1 then 2 days a week when DC2 was about 2 years old. I’m still 2 days a week with the odd extra shift now they are both in school.

The main reason is to be there after school so they can do activities. Swimming lessons, sports clubs, Brownies, play dates etc. If I worked more hours they would have to cut back on lots of these and I want them to be able to do them.

You could say that is selfish as not all of them are their choice but I grew up not doing any out-of-school activities like dance seriously and always feel I missed out. I want to give them the opportunities I didn’t have.

I wouldn't apply. You're happy how you are and it sounds like you really appreciate the days with your youngest and being there for school stuff with your eldest. Of all of my friends who went back ft after their dc (around the same ages as yours, some a bit older)almost all now regret it. Many are now going pt.

I don't think there is a 'right' answer to this. I'm a SAHM because I didn't like any of our local childcare options. To me it sounds like you don't want to go back. Would you be dreaming of the job while you are with your children? Or missing your children while in the job?

If I’m honest, if affordable, family life works much more smoothly if one or both of you have at least a little flexibility - compressed hours, working from home occasionally, or can flex hours to attend appointments and special occasions.

That doesn’t mean it has to be you, or just you. The more men start asking for flexibility the more fair the workplace will be for women.

This is a very tricky topic and one each family has to make on its own imho
A complex interaction of family finances earning/career potential for each working parent and age, spacing and childcare options for the children

My sister and Iwho, are to all intents and purposes similarly educated, from the same family backgrounds (obviously) and this similar social norms made opposite choices.
I’m happy with my choices in the main, I don’t think she is happy with hers, but she still wouldn’t want mine

Gone thing I would say is
They don’t just want/need you for the younger years - in some ways my older kids need me more you simply don’t hear about their pressures or fears if you aren’t around until they hit crisis point.

It isn’t a case of waiting til they’re in school to restart your career imho

Don't let your husband off the hook so easily, countless female teachers are part time, in all levels, at all types of schools.

Men need to step up or we'll never have equality

to be honest I think if you love your part time job and also the time that it gives at home then you would be a fool to go FT now. You have no idea whether this really IS your dream job, you’re just assuming it is. you may have a terrible line manager or other nightmare colleague who makes your life at work a misery. You may be expected to do a lot of unpaid overtime which you resent. The grass isn’t always greener.

I work FT (but have most of the school holidays off). I have been looking to get back into more of a part time role as that was when I was most satisfied and content with my work life balance but they’re just not there anymore. Part time roles in my line of work seem to have been the first to go during the last round of redundancies (public sector).

So from my perspective I’m jealous that you have a PT job that you enjoy which gives you enough money to put in the family pot and which keeps your career going teady to do more hours/more demanding role when the DC are older. I think it’s the best of both worlds, and you’ll probably find that both SAHMs and FT working parents are totally jealous of your situation!

I am mid 40s and permanently exhausted. So is DH, public sector also, both doing the work of 2 people at work cos of funding cuts. I go to work and work through for 8 hours solid as no-one to cover me for proper lunch break, come home again, DH and I make dinner, clear up, do other essential chores like washing or food shopping etc and then we just flop on the sofa making us terrible role models for our teens who just copy us staying on their X box most of the evening. It’s total Groundhog Day as neither of us have the energy to do anything else of an evening.

Now when I was PT I enjoyed seeing colleagues at work and keeping up with professional stuff however I could contribute more at home in terms of keeping things flowing in the house. I did the school run, a load of washing before I went to work, or a quick food shop or cleaned the bathroom. Always came home to a clean and tidy house. We can’t get a cleaner for various reasons and I really fucking resent doing a full day’s work and then getting home it a shit hole of mess and feel like I’m starting job number 2 as a cleaner. DH is hands on at home and does most of the cooking but I can see how knackered he is too. At least my kids are teens now and we don’t have to entertain them as much

I know there are people that manage to do this, to both do demanding FT jobs with no other support other than childminder/school. seems ok for a number of years but suddenly, middle age. Jesus. Makes a massive difference.

So if a FT role like that is likely to come up again in future and it’s not a once in a lifetime opportunity I’d say to just wait until your kids are a bit older and appreciate the situation you have at the moment.

Your dh could do the job part time for a set period of time under a temporary flexible working request - well this is what mine did anyway though your school system might be different but not all that different I suspect.

curlyhairedassasin - thank you for your honest post, it is certainly very sobering.

Things are definitely easier with me being part time as I get to keep on top of the washing, the kitchen and bathrooms are always tidy and I think that an organised house is a more pleasant one to be in. That makes me sound like a 50’s housewife, I know, but I do like the fact that I’m not always drowning in housework and too tired to do anything about it.

Later this week the school are opening its doors for the parents to come in to help the children make the Easter bonnets and the costumes for their Easter parade and my son is ridiculously excited about me going in to do it with him. It’s little things like that which make me realise how going full time would impact on him.

Okay, in 5 years time he won’t have a clue (or care) whether I helped him make an Easter bonnet or not, but he cares right now and that’s what matters isn’t it?

Most employers nowadays are flexible. I work full time in a demanding city job and use my WFH day to pop to watch assemblies, music recitals, ballet etc. See if you get the job and then negotiate hours at work premises and WFH. Good luck.

I should add I always get my work done, sometimes it is once the kids are in bed, but I make it to school for all events.

I actually clicked on the thread because I'm a SAHM and don't think I'm putting my life on hold. Being a SAHM works for us. DH is a high earner and works long hours in a job he loves - I had a good career but was more than happy to take a break and risk a struggle to get back into it.
It does sound like you have a really good balance at the moment. When it comes to housework could you get a cleaner if you go full time? We've recently had to make a big decision about moving and did a pros and cons list but ultimately it came down to a gut feeling.