AIBU to ask how much of your life you put on holof your children?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Firstly - I just want to say that this is not a SAHP/WOHP debate or bashing, I’m simply just talking about my own situation.

I have two sons, aged 5 and almost 2 and I have a job that I love 99% of the time.

After going back to work following the birth of my second son I reduced my hours to 25 a week mainly because I wanted to be at home more for my children. I currently work two days a week (sometimes an extra day for some extra money) and otherwise I am home with the children. For the 2-3 days a week that I work they are in paid childcare.

I love being able to spend so much time with them, I love being able to take my son to school and pick him up, I love being able to go for days out with my youngest, I love it that I can attend assemblies at my son’s school and go in on the days they have activities for the parents to join in with etc and I feel that me being around so much is really important to me and to them.

When I was a child my mom worked Mon-Fri, 9-5 and when I look back on my childhood I don’t have that many memories of general day-to-day life with her because most of my time was spent in childcare. I would have loved her to have been around more and it’s partly because of that, that I made the decision to reduce my hours at work after my second son.

However - I have very recently seen a job advertised that sounds fantastic and it has always been something I have considered doing and I think I would really enjoy it. Career wise, it would make real sense to apply for the job and if I got it then it would mean climbing up the next rung of the ladder, but the timing just feels so bad because of the children

The job is full time and due to the hours it would dramatically cut down on how much time I spend with my children and it would mean that I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things that I mentioned above regarding the benefits of me only working two days a week.

My children would be in childcare five days a week and I would probably only seen them for 3 hours a day (Mon-Fri) which I can’t even imagine doing

Part of me knows that these early years with them are so important and that I have another 20 years left in my career to think about myself but it still feels a bit crappy to not apply for a job that I think I’d be really good at and love because I I’m putting my children’s needs before my own.

My husband works Mon-Fri, leaves the house at 7am and is back at 5pm and it’s not an issue at all - so why do I feel so, so guilty about potentially doing the same?

I know that I will never get these years back with my children and that I’m incredibly lucky to be able to work part time so why am I feeling so conflicted about what to do?

I see it said on here all the time that on our death bed we will never say “I wish I had worked more” over saying “I wish I had been at home more.” (or something to that affect).

I’m sorry this is so long - I’m just rambling because I feel so confused about what I should do.

I haven’t mentioned the job to my husband yet because I want to get my thoughts straight in my head first in terms of whether I apply for it or not.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Or can anyone offer any general advice?

I think put simply it's about priorities. It sounds like you would be financially comfortable eitherway and that there is potential to focus on your career in the future so you don't necessarily NEED to to take this career opportunity right now.

Reading your posts it's clear that you and your DH are very family focused and both of you think it's very important that you spend time with your children and share experiences with them whilst they are young. If this is the case then there is nothing wrong with investing your resources (e.g. time and money through sacrificing additional salary) in order to facilitate this goal. Other families will have different values and place an emphasis on other things e.g. holidays, career progression etc. No approach is universally superior, but I do think that a family will struggle if they prioritise the things that they don't actually value the most. For example, as someone that also values time with my family, I would be highly unsatisfied working extremely long hours for a high salary that paid for amazing holidays or private school. I appreciate that those things would be lovely to have but they simply aren't my priority and I would find the time spent away from my kids as too much of a sacrifice.

An extra 700 in childcare. Fuck that. That's another reason i haven't gone full time. I really wouldn't do it. You don't need to.

your children’s needs come before your wants

Sure, but there's no question that the children are having their needs met, and will continue to do so whether the OP works FT or not.

whether the effect it will have on my children (and me) is worth it just so I could potentially have a job in a role I have always been interested in and in a direction I have always envisaged my career heading in.

The 'just' is puzzling to me, OP. Why is something you have obviously wanted to do for your entire adult life any less important in this scenario?

And I think the 'Oh, my children wouldn't like it if I worked' or 'I hated going to holiday clubs when I was little' are red herrings. Given total control over their lives on the basis of what they like/don't like, many children would choose to live on fast food and screens, not go to school, stay up till 3 am, play football rather than do homework, get all their pocket money in a lump sum to spend on crap etc etc. There's a reason we don't hand total control over the circumstances of their lives to young children.

Teanocoffeethanks

An extra 700 in childcare. Fuck that. That's another reason i haven't gone full time. I really wouldn't do it. You don't need to.

THIS

I work 19 hours a week and have a decent wage suits the kids and me

I think some women feel they can only be validated by their work
The measure for me is what you have achieved family wise their only little once if you don’t need to pay someone else to raise them then why would u

I think some women feel they can only be validated by their work

And some presumably feel they can only be validated by parenting -- clearly you are among them. Many of us, however, feel there is value in both, and, fortunately, we don't have to choose between them.

if you don’t need to pay someone else to raise them then why would u

A childminder or wraparound care is not 'raising' your young children any more than their teacher, who sees them for six hours a day during the entire school year, is.

I think some women feel they can only be validated by their work

What about men? Are they allowed to feel validated by work...is that a more acceptable situation?
You do know it's not and either/or situation. People can get validation from a variety of sources.

if you don’t need to pay someone else to raise them then why would u
My son is still being raised by me and my husband. The fact he attends a pre-school and before that nursery doesn't change that.

guess everyone is different but why have children if they aren't going to be part of your life?

This is THE most ridiculous thing I've read in while. I wonder if anyone ever asks men this question?

I couldn't actually muster up any indignation when I read that line, Constanza, as it actually made me laugh.

"Who is that short stranger in the house? Reminds me of someone I used to know. Why yes, it's my child! The one I sent off to childcare!"

"Lucky he/she/it was wearing Boden, so I was able to identify them from their clothing".

You mean, luckily said mini-stranger was wearing Boden, so you were able to identify them almost as soon as you got out of your fancy car while thinking about the exotic foreign holiday you had just booked. And let's face it, you're even bringing the short Boden-clad stranger with you to Tahiti, which is a generous gesture, right?

😂😂😂😂
Although surely you've booked somewhere with a kids club. Don't want to spend too much time with them. They might actually think you're responsible for raising them!

It's as if you can see me through the screen.

If I had a daughter one of the things I would impress upon her would be to focus on her career so as not to leave herself in a vulnerable position later on should her marriage not last
I worked part time for years and now find myself divorced with 2 teens about to go to Uni, an ex who has had 2 more children that he can't afford which has massively impacted on my finances and a much smaller pension than I otherwise would have got.
If I could go back in time I would definitely not do that again and I'm sure my relationship with my kids would still be the same.

If I had a daughter one of the things I would impress upon her would be to focus on her career so as not to leave herself in a vulnerable position later on should her marriage not last.

And I do understand that but right now I’m thinking that to sacrifice so much time with my children when they’re so young just in case my marriage may not last somewhere down the line just feels like a very depressing thought....

I probably say that though because I work in a career where there will always be demand for staff and going back to full time will never be a problem.

The deadline for applications is on Friday so I have a few more days to think about it. The fact that I haven’t already excitedly applied for it though probably tells me all I need to know.

The ashes for my first born sit on a shelf in the hallway where I .can see him everyday. I have been told the whole "you need to work in case your husband leaves you" argument, but what a depressing way to live Iife. I've chosen to sacrifice that so I can make what time I have with my children now, because that's just what works for me. If one of them died again tomorrow, for me, I have no regrets in choosing this way of life.

My mother was forced to give up work (which she loved) when she had me as she was not allowed by her employer to return (this was in finance in the 70's).
She didn't re-renter employment until I was a teenager and she bitterly regrets it. On her death bed she is someone that would definitely wish she had been able to keep her career and work more. She was a cracking parent but very unfulfilled by lack of career and has impressed on me the importance of financial independence.

Women have so many more choices now. It is absolutely fine to make an active choice not to work, or to work less, or in a lower paid role. But it is also a valid choice to choose childcare and to prioritise work. We are all lucky to have those options. My mother didn't.

I don't think we do put our life's on hold for our children. I'm a carer and probably will be for some time to come but these are choices that I make in my life and in their life. I'm not putting life on hold for them, living is done every day. With them.

I could make other choices go to work and pay carers but I can't see the point, for me.

I don't get why people have children if they then don't structure their life's around them or with them in mind. As what's the point, it's not putting your life on hold, it's just making decisions that suit everyone as you have become a unit, a family.

Stories on here of the isolated kid who's parents worked or as the poor kid because their parents didn't work. There is a middle ground.

I also don't buy into the crap that women let other women down, when they choose to care, to stay at home and to not work. Care is work just undervalued and under paid. Sah is work depending on how you do it and on how your family is structured. No one else comes into that decision apart from doing the best for yourself and for your family.

Feminism is having the choice to choose your own path and choices, just as men do as we are equal. It is not having to tread the same path as men just because we are equal.

Just wanted to make these points as usually on threads like this a few people will come in to talk about role models and women letting other women down when they don't work or don't work full time, which is just bull.

Megan 2018 you wrote what I was thinking whilst I was still typing.

The ashes for my first born sit on a shelf in the hallway where I .can see him everyday. I have been told the whole "you need to work in case your husband leaves you" argument, but what a depressing way to live Iife.

I’m very sorry to hear that

A friend of mine lost her son when he was 19 months old and she has said that if she ever goes on to have more children then she and her DH will do whatever it takes to ensure she can be a SAHM because she has realised now just how precious time with our children is.

I think that you have to just go with what you think will make you happier.

If you think that the new role will give your life more fulfilment than being at home more for the kids then you have your answer. If you think you'll feel happier with a less fulfilling career, but being able to be there for the kids while they're small, then that's also fine.

I put my career on hold, in a way I do wish that I had spent more time perusing it, so that I'd be at a higher level now. But I chose not to and I certainly don't regret being around for the kids when they were little. I've blinked and they're at secondary school! And now I'm back full time, at a lower grade than I would have been if I had worked full time the whole time, but when I really think about it, I wouldnt change the time spent with my girls.

I think women only let other women down when they judge them and question their choices.

The only people who have ever commented on my choice to return to work full time have been other women.

The only people who have ever commented on my choice to return to work full time have been other women.

But that's because it's only women who are under societal pressure to be both full time engaged parents and career women.

It's natural that they can feel insecure about their choices because of this and this often manifests as questioning other peoples.

Men don't have the same pressure put on them. So why would they give a damn whether you go back to work or not (beyond your own partner). It doesn't affect them in any way.

The only people who have ever commented on my choice to return to work full time have been other women.

When I went back to work full tome after my first son was born some of the women were near horrified. One in particular asked me how many hours I was doing and when I told her she said, “Oh that’s such a shame, it’s such a long time to be away from your child.” (bearing in mind that me working full time still only meant me working three days a week).

When I was pregnant with my second son, one woman said to me, “Well surely you won’t come back full time after this one?!” She looked completely aghast that I would even consider returning full time.

Honestly, the way some of the women looked at me during that conversation was pretty demoralising - I felt like I was at risk of being accused of being a bad mother if I did return full time. It was really odd.

(this obviously isn’t why I went back part time though)

It might be a depressing thought that your marriage might not make it but it is almost always women who make these kind of sacrifices for their family. Would your DH think about working part time so you could take a great job?