AIBU to ask how much of your life you put on holof your children?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Firstly - I just want to say that this is not a SAHP/WOHP debate or bashing, I’m simply just talking about my own situation.

I have two sons, aged 5 and almost 2 and I have a job that I love 99% of the time.

After going back to work following the birth of my second son I reduced my hours to 25 a week mainly because I wanted to be at home more for my children. I currently work two days a week (sometimes an extra day for some extra money) and otherwise I am home with the children. For the 2-3 days a week that I work they are in paid childcare.

I love being able to spend so much time with them, I love being able to take my son to school and pick him up, I love being able to go for days out with my youngest, I love it that I can attend assemblies at my son’s school and go in on the days they have activities for the parents to join in with etc and I feel that me being around so much is really important to me and to them.

When I was a child my mom worked Mon-Fri, 9-5 and when I look back on my childhood I don’t have that many memories of general day-to-day life with her because most of my time was spent in childcare. I would have loved her to have been around more and it’s partly because of that, that I made the decision to reduce my hours at work after my second son.

However - I have very recently seen a job advertised that sounds fantastic and it has always been something I have considered doing and I think I would really enjoy it. Career wise, it would make real sense to apply for the job and if I got it then it would mean climbing up the next rung of the ladder, but the timing just feels so bad because of the children

The job is full time and due to the hours it would dramatically cut down on how much time I spend with my children and it would mean that I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things that I mentioned above regarding the benefits of me only working two days a week.

My children would be in childcare five days a week and I would probably only seen them for 3 hours a day (Mon-Fri) which I can’t even imagine doing

Part of me knows that these early years with them are so important and that I have another 20 years left in my career to think about myself but it still feels a bit crappy to not apply for a job that I think I’d be really good at and love because I I’m putting my children’s needs before my own.

My husband works Mon-Fri, leaves the house at 7am and is back at 5pm and it’s not an issue at all - so why do I feel so, so guilty about potentially doing the same?

I know that I will never get these years back with my children and that I’m incredibly lucky to be able to work part time so why am I feeling so conflicted about what to do?

I see it said on here all the time that on our death bed we will never say “I wish I had worked more” over saying “I wish I had been at home more.” (or something to that affect).

I’m sorry this is so long - I’m just rambling because I feel so confused about what I should do.

I haven’t mentioned the job to my husband yet because I want to get my thoughts straight in my head first in terms of whether I apply for it or not.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Or can anyone offer any general advice?

No one on their death bed ever wishes they choose work over family

If you’d read the thread, Thelady, you’ll see several posters pointing out that for many of us, this is total rubbish. Perhaps it incomprehensible if you don’t have meaningful or enjoyable work, but surely it’s not that much of a stretch to grasp that it’s not an either/or situation.

My mum was a SAHM and she was there for all of our school events, helped out at any Fates, sports days, charity days , on the PTA, dropped us off, picked us up and we just knew she was always there for us and I intend on doing just that for my son.

You sound like you (personally ) have a really great balance at the moment and the best of both worlds with your husbands work. I am looking forward to all the Easter bonnet making and school plays I can attend. Your situation is one I hope to have.

I think, by reading your post, you would regret going into the role and miss being at home on them days with your children, the best quote was that your children might not remember Easter bonnet making, but in that moment it will make them so happy. I think that answers your question.

I work full time and have a son, step son and currently pregnant. I love my family and I love my job. My days off are spent doing nice things with my family and my 4 year old understands I work to provide for the family.

My mum stayed at home and my dad worked full time. I would say I have an equal amount of memories of the both of them.

I'm not saying I don't wish for more family time sometimes because sometimes I do. But my job is meaningful and helps people and I have a passion for it. I've been a single parent before so I made sure I built a career and I know I can support myself and the children independently if i need to.

@Iheartlondon just to add, I feel exactly the same. I gave up a career I was very successful in and enjoyed, but for me that all changed once I had my son. I am in no way putting my life on hold I am on a different (for me, more fulfilling) journey.

They both worked full time even though my mum didn’t have to. I have resentment towards her for it. I wouldn’t mention it to her but it stung that she chose not to be with me and my siblings. During the 6 weeks holiday I was packed off with a suitcase to my nanas. My nana lived in the same village as my parents. They took their leave when we were at school. I think attitudes like this play a huge role in mother's feeling guilty. Notice the poster has resentment towards her mum but not her dad. I started a new job when my son was 6 months old and his dad and I worked shifts around each other. I got asked from co-workers, service users and their families where my son was. His dad didn't get asked once. When I said his other parent looked after him whilst I work I had a chorus of " oh isn't he good?!" I would bet my last pound no one ever said that about me looking after my own son!

My mum worked full time and I have a great relationship with her.

I dont get people who think you have to 'give up' your life (or put it on hold) for children. I chose to have children they are part of my life. To go back to work would be giving up on the children I chose and wanted to have.

I guess everyone is different but why have children if they aren't going to be part of your life? When I die I will be remembering the times I had with my children, I certainly wont be thinking about my job.

Agree with pp that it’s when they are older they need you more, but in more unpredictable ways. Ideally you get yourself to a senior, flexible post at that stage so you have more control over your work/life balance.

Goodness are you me?? Childs ages, same hours, days, reasons, situation everything.

I have just seen my ideal job ay full-time which i dont want to do but applied anyway incase they really needed me or by chance another pt person applied hoping for a job share. My interview went well and he asked about hours which i held my hands up to what i could do. The business head liked my experience and needed me and i have a job offer of part time. There is absolutely no way id take a full time role because I want to spend time with kids. I want to be part time. These jobs always seem to come up in the future.

Also I only have to worry about half term childcare 3 days a week not 5. 5 days a week we'd struggle.

What a daft thing to say Walking. Has every working parent ‘given up on’ the children they chose to have? Has the person who is presumably paying the bills to enable your presence at home ‘given up on’ his children, too?

Interesting to read how people’s parents work/life balance impacted the decisions they make about their own now.

My parents worked long hours and while I don’t really remember being t bothered by it st pre-school age, I hated it when I was in primary school. I did before and after school club everyday, 8-6 usually, and school holidays were spend doing loads of activity camps that I hated. I was a quiet kid and I just wanted to be playing Barbies alone in my room. I don’t wish either of my parents had stayed home as they would have hated it, but I do sort of wish they were so kind of people who wouldn’t have hated it iyswim.

I’m currently studying (had to delay my start date for a year due to my daughter so quite literally did put my life on hold there!) but hope to work part time when I graduate.

What a daft thing to say Walking. Has every working parent ‘given up on’ the children they chose to have? Has the person who is presumably paying the bills to enable your presence at home ‘given up on’ his children, too?

Seconding all of this

If you need to work because otherwise you can't put food on the table, take the job.

If you need to work because otherwise you can't keep the fancy holidays, the nice cars and dress the kids in Boden, then stay at home.

Most people actually can afford to stay at home. They don't want to because they want the lifestyle too (nothing wrong with that)

only you know which is more important. I'd much rather dress in crap clothes, have no holidays and see loads of my kids. Can't imagine only seeing them for an hour each night before bed. I feel very fulfilled as a SAHM (although technically I'm not as I work in the evenings) and wouldn't change a thing.

I hated having my ds in childcare when he was a toddler. When he was upset and his childminder could deal with him better than me stung. I barely knew him, got him dressed and breakfast, bathed then bed. It was grim. I would rather be on benefits and be skint at home, in the end I went self employed, and employed for a few hours a week. I still do it now 10 years later.

I think you’ll find, Coastal, that most ‘people’ can’t afford to stay at home unless they have inherited a lot of money, or live in a magic universe where food, shelter and clothing are free. Virtually all households, predictably enough, with or without children, require some money coming in to pay the bills.

What you clearly mean is that, in your view ‘most women’ could afford to stay at home, because apparently all women are supported by spouses who earn enough to provide for all household needs, and only work so they can dress the kids in Boden and buy fancy cars.

Is anyone seriously that vacuous?

Jaffacake, given that most men with dc work full time would you also say that they “barely know” their dc?

My mum was a SAHM until I was 7/8. Then she went back to work PT in the school I attended. I was never placed in childcare.
I was also a SAHM until my child was 8. Also a teacher, I went back to work when DD was in year 3 and so was at home for all the school holidays. The school had a breakfast and homework club (Indy school) that DD attended. I don’t count this as childcare as it was run by teaching staff.

I never wanted to have to use childcare. Both H and I felt that we were the ones that should be influencing her outlook on life and not young and poorly educated nursery workers or any of the Childminder’s I had seen out and about.

I wanted her to have play dates after school, attend her assemblies and school performances, help her with reading and homework. It was important to me that I dropped her and picked her up from school and that I could speak to teachers as and when required.
I hated teaching when I went back when DD was 8 but it worked with school hours and holidays so I stuck it out.

More recently as DD approaches her GCSEwe have employed tutors in core subjects and again as these have been after school I needed to be available to drop/pick her up and get feedback.

I would say I have definitely been putting her needs above mine for most of her life but it’s such a short section of mine and now she is almost out of the critical school years I’m able to prioritise myself and what I would like again.

In your place I wouldn’t be taking the job. But that me. Others won’t feel as I do and won’t have made the sacrifices I have personally to put my child first.

I think you should go for it. Think of the extra money. You can have amazing holidays and get in quality time there. The kids will remember these more than if you went to parent morning

I agree with the PP that I don't feel as though I have put my life on hold. My life is much better now. No I don't have a career only a job but I am very happy. It sounds as though you are very happy at the moment? If so why change it?

I think you should go for it. Think of the extra money.

If I took the job we would actually be worse off as our childcare costs would rise by about £700, I won’t get any evening or weekend unsociable hours pay and my petrol costs will more than double too. I reckon we would be about £1’000 a month down, if not a bit more for about two years.

It’s not about the money though, we could take that financial hit if we really had to, it’s just about whether the effect it will have on my children (and me) is worth it just so I could potentially have a job in a role I have always been interested in and in a direction I have always envisaged my career heading in.

£24k down to see your kids much, much less? No chance. Stay as you are and enjoy your time with your dc.

I gave up everything for my husband and children. The type of career and life I went to university for was one in a completely different country in very solitary circumstances. But life happened, and I had to choose what was more important to me.

If I could've done both, I would've done. But the type of career I wanted was very non-child friendly.

My mum always worked and had a commute so she didn't get home until 7 every night. We had a childminder who came to our house who we loved dearly but I always felt a pang of jealousy at friends whose mum's picked them up after school. As a result I decided to stay at home until they finished primary school. I am the one who is struggling now, being at home for so long meant I became part of the furniture and it is always assumed that I'm dropping them off/picking them up. Their friends with working mum's are all professionals and as a result own lovely homes and lifestyles whilst we rent and look like the poor cousins in comparison. I don't regret it at all but I don't think the dc will ever thank me for it either.

If you need to work because otherwise you can't keep the fancy holidays, the nice cars and dress the kids in Boden, then stay at home

This kind of comment pisses me off no end.

Why the assumption that the extra money would go on fancy cars? She could be working to fund private school, cover university costs, give her children a deposit for their first home, amply fund her own retirement so she’ll never have to lean on them.