Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7yo not invited to classmates party despite her talking about it

164 replies

Inciwinci · 08/04/2019 00:23

7 year old son came home several days this week excited by and convinced that he had been invited to a party because a classmate (who we had invited to his party) had been talking to him about the party coming up at the end of easter holidays. I had had no invite or notification from mum. I was informed by another mum that "whole class parties" stops after the 5th birthday. When we organised DS (FB) we invited 10 and had a situation where someone's parents got wind and made it clear that their DD would love to come. We gracefully added her on and fun was had by all. We also coached DS not to talk about his event around anyone who was not invited and from what I can tell he stuck to this. So today, at village kids event, I asked classmate's mum if DS was invited and was told no, we can only invite 10 for practical reasons. There was no apology or acknowledgement that her child has caused hurt and disappointment and potential humiliation to DS. I handled it with my DS in the "you get invited sometimes, sometimes you dont/do you actually play that much with her?/there are folk that you didnt invite to yours etc." but inside I am absolutely distraught and spent the afternoon partly in tears and apologising to my DS for all the times I failed as a mother.
It has been a struggle to teach my DS to socialise - he thinks and responds slowly and always has, but has recently started to enjoy the company of classmates, likes playing in the playground, has occasionally been over to play at others and they have been over to us, but it feels that just as he is starting to catch up a bit, the bitchiness (of parents) that I remember from my teenage years is what my kids have to deal with, so very much younger.
I am not sure what I am asking for here. I want to be able to help my son to find and enjoy the company of mates and make friends but the revelation that he is among kids of parents who might not have ever had to read about ASD and neurotypical and non-neurotypical and who don't coach their kids to be sensitive to the feelings of others makes me sick.
AIBU... I want to get my kids out of the school (there are other children who bring behaviour which the others have to learn to assert themselves with) for this reason and other concerns further up the school about the academic standards..
How do I get past this feeling of extreme dread and helplessness because the reality that there is very little I can do... And I kind of know I should not be so triggered by it. but I cant fight it...

OP posts:
Glittery1 · 08/04/2019 00:28

Extreme over reaction on your part!

SnagAndChips · 08/04/2019 00:32

sometimes kids are invited - sometimes they are not. Don't make it into a big deal. It isn't.

LLOE7 · 08/04/2019 00:32

Hi OP, do you suffer from anxiety? This seems like quite an extreme reaction to your child not being invited to a birthday party- although I know it's not nice seeing your dc disappointed, I don't think many parents would be upset to the point they are in tears over it, so I was just wondering if there was more going on? Thanks

GreenTulips · 08/04/2019 00:36

Sounds like you are hurt that you relented to the girls mother, only to be given an outright no when you asked the same question.

It’s a party - like you say sometimes it’s your turn sometimes it’s not.

But I think you have a bigger issue with the school ethos in general. Perhaps visit a few other schools to see if it’s a better fit for your child. Not all children fit in certain schools and they aren’t very accommodating of children with additional needs

user1474894224 · 08/04/2019 00:37

So if I am right .. your child had a party and only invited a few kids. Another child has a party and only invited a few kids... But you've got offended by that.... seriously???? Have I missed something?

RomaineCalm · 08/04/2019 00:43

This does sound like an over-reaction. There are lots of possible explanations - lack of space, other families where the parents are friends as much as the children, wanted to invite all boys or all girls...

One of the best lessons that we can teach our children is resilience. Sometimes you are invited to parties/chosen as part of a sports team/win an award for xyz and sometimes you're not. How you handle it and what you choose to do next is important.

It's ok to feel hurt or disappointed or angry but do help DS to see that it's ok. No one has failed here, it's just the way it is. You can still be friends. Be disappointed in private but show your DC the behaviour that you would hope him to copy.

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2019 00:43

Christ alive OP.

You really need to do something about your problem before it begins to affect your child and his self-esteem.

When we organised DS (FB) we invited 10 and had a situation where someone's parents got wind and made it clear that their DD would love to come. We gracefully added her on and fun was had by all.

That's ^^ where you went massively wrong. Don't expect other parents to pander to other kids too.

It's not just extremely rude to make it clear their little darlings insist on being invited, but extremely unreasonable for you to pander to it and expect your child to be pandered to as well.

Step back massively, your child (and obviously the other one) need to care a lot less and learn it's not personal when someone has a party and doesn't invite them.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 08/04/2019 00:44

You’ve overreacted.

Why not arrange for ds to invite another friend over and do something nice that day instead?

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 08/04/2019 00:47

You're reaction is ridiculous. It's a shame your DS heard about the party but if it's only for 10 children it's not like he's the only one not invited. Your reaction is so extreme I feel you should speak a doctor about it.

Crabbyandproudofit · 08/04/2019 00:51

Oh dear, I think this party situation has stirred up a lot of other things for you. You were kind enough to invite an extra child to your DC's party (although I think the other mother sounds rude for effectively inviting her DD). When you spoke to the party mum today she was probably unaware of your expectations - she would not know that her child had spoken to your DS, raising his hopes. From her POV she had nothing to apologise for and may have thought you were being rude, angling for an invite?

Was your DS as upset as you? You seem to have explained very sensitively to him that sometimes he won't be invited to parties. It sounds as if you are doing a great job raising a young man who will be careful of others feelings.

I don't know if you are being oversensitive or if your feelings and worries are justified. Perhaps you are worn down from trying to give and get support for your DC. Would he enjoy an organised activity, like football or swimming classes or Beavers? The adults leading these activities should be able to ensure he is included and it might be easier for him to join in and then form friendships rather than the other way round (as is often the case in playgrounds).

Original poster
Inciwinci · 08/04/2019 00:59

Thanks, LLOE7. Its not the not getting invited, its the conviction and joy with which DS came home and was excited and planning and putting aside the date etc. I warned him that it might not be certain yet... and then I was pretty frank with him and he seemed to get it and was not visibly distressed. I have lots to be grateful for in my life (a few good longterm friends and a few newer ones since we have recently moved house, good job, stable but moderately mismatched partner, health, fitness, holidays) but I can still feel the pain of being left out myself in my teens (we were poor and couldnt have folk back to my house, cos it was shabby and I was at a relatively posh school, so whilst some did not judge it took longer to find them as they were fewer and further between) and it just feels as if all the work of trying to ensure that my children dont have the same shit upbringing all adds up to nothing... Maybe i am just starting to realise that I cant control everything and optimise everything for my kids.... I just want to know how to ensure that they are able to feel and then move on from such sadness so it doesnt stay with them for a lifetime.....

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 08/04/2019 01:04

Were you excluded a lot as a child by other children? It is an over reaction, but I am wondering if this has stirred up long buried emotions from your past?
In terms of kids talking about their parties, you can tell kids to be sensitive and not talk about their party, but with some kids at this age can not stop themselves talking about things they are excited about. As someone who has worked with a lot of kids, there are some 7 year old kids who tell people everything, including family things they have been asked to keep confidential. I don't think you can blame a 7 year old child for that. They are still learning to control their emotions and behaviour.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 08/04/2019 01:07

All my dc have had this, it's annoying but it's really not a big deal. They've even had handwritten invites to parties for birthdays 6 months away. Kids say silly things. The parents have no idea who has been told aboit the party.

Your mistake was changing your plans!

clairemcnam · 08/04/2019 01:08

Cross posted. OP it is very common for things from your own childhood to be stirred up when something happens to your child. It might be worth seeking counselling to explore and resolve the feelings about your own childhood. Because this is about you, not your DS.

slashlover · 08/04/2019 01:12

I just want to know how to ensure that they are able to feel and then move on from such sadness so it doesnt stay with them for a lifetime.....

OP, this is about your feelings, possibly bringing up your own childhood. You say he wasn't visibly distressed. You need to keep it breezy and 'One of those things, you wont get invited to everything. Remember you couldn't invite everyone you your birthday?'. Crying and apologising to him is only going to upset him.

Original poster
Inciwinci · 08/04/2019 01:15

Thanks guys. He does all the activities ( some say too many ), and I talk to him about the playground and how to chat (he just doesnt respond sometimes, although this is getting better) and approach others and initiate games he wants to play and play those that others want to play etc.
I dont need a doctor, but thanks for the offer (I am one, but that too is irrelevant here). We visited the additional needs thing a few years back and the paediatrician gave me the option of going down the assessing/labelling route and I did not see what would was to be gained. He is focussed, clever, independent, doing good at school and enjoys it. I get the her POV thing but I suppose I should add that it was the smirk she then shot across to her husband that added a bit of unspoken context.

I wanted to ask so that I could start to manage my own son's expectations in case she had not got round to inviting or whatever...

OP posts:
Original poster
Inciwinci · 08/04/2019 01:20

Thanks Worra....

It is a bit personal when you dont get invited

and you are right, we all have to protect our children against our own wounds...

OP posts:
Original poster
Inciwinci · 08/04/2019 01:23

he didnt really realise I was crying about this particular issue, sort of managed to separate them in time....

maybe counselling....

goodnight, all

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 08/04/2019 01:25

Good night.
Remember your DS is not being bullied as you were.
He has just not been invited to a small party by an excited 7 year old, who told all the kids about his party.

clairemcnam · 08/04/2019 01:26

And you don't know why that parent gave a smirk. It could have been - oh not another parent who thinks we should invite their kid to our party. Don't over think it.

Haribeau · 08/04/2019 01:34

Absolutely get where you are coming from
As it happened to my DS at nursery, every child apart from him invited. Upsetting. We always did a full inclusive party. I took it harder than he did as he had no idea.

I also think you went the wrong way about only inviting 10 and asking your child to lie/sneak about behind those not invited, terrible example to set. So maybe karma is coming in to play regarding that.

Your child is 5, he will get over this, you need to also, it’s still not nice though but you shouldn’t take it personally.

I’m pretty sure the children not invited to your child’s party knew exactly what was happening

clairemcnam · 08/04/2019 01:38

At this age it is normal for parties to move away from whole class invites.
And no kids should not lie and pretend a party is not happening, but not going on about the party in front of those not invited is good manners. OP is trying to teach good manners.

Haribeau · 08/04/2019 01:46

Ok, sorry, just realised op’s DS is 7, my fault I thought 5. Still agree though that the lying and sneaking about around a party isn’t a great example to set.

I feel for you OP as it’s awful when this happens but you can’t project that onto your 7 year old.

Original poster
Inciwinci · 08/04/2019 01:46

Thank you Claire...

OP posts:
Haribeau · 08/04/2019 01:47

Apologies again, it’s awful to see your child upset.