7yo not invited to classmates party despite her talking about it

[Inciwinci]

7 year old son came home several days this week excited by and convinced that he had been invited to a party because a classmate (who we had invited to his party) had been talking to him about the party coming up at the end of easter holidays. I had had no invite or notification from mum. I was informed by another mum that "whole class parties" stops after the 5th birthday. When we organised DS (FB) we invited 10 and had a situation where someone's parents got wind and made it clear that their DD would love to come. We gracefully added her on and fun was had by all. We also coached DS not to talk about his event around anyone who was not invited and from what I can tell he stuck to this. So today, at village kids event, I asked classmate's mum if DS was invited and was told no, we can only invite 10 for practical reasons. There was no apology or acknowledgement that her child has caused hurt and disappointment and potential humiliation to DS. I handled it with my DS in the "you get invited sometimes, sometimes you dont/do you actually play that much with her?/there are folk that you didnt invite to yours etc." but inside I am absolutely distraught and spent the afternoon partly in tears and apologising to my DS for all the times I failed as a mother.
It has been a struggle to teach my DS to socialise - he thinks and responds slowly and always has, but has recently started to enjoy the company of classmates, likes playing in the playground, has occasionally been over to play at others and they have been over to us, but it feels that just as he is starting to catch up a bit, the bitchiness (of parents) that I remember from my teenage years is what my kids have to deal with, so very much younger.
I am not sure what I am asking for here. I want to be able to help my son to find and enjoy the company of mates and make friends but the revelation that he is among kids of parents who might not have ever had to read about ASD and neurotypical and non-neurotypical and who don't coach their kids to be sensitive to the feelings of others makes me sick.
AIBU... I want to get my kids out of the school (there are other children who bring behaviour which the others have to learn to assert themselves with) for this reason and other concerns further up the school about the academic standards..
How do I get past this feeling of extreme dread and helplessness because the reality that there is very little I can do... And I kind of know I should not be so triggered by it. but I cant fight it...

I think I should have asked the other mum to speak to her child like you did but I just expected her to recognise what had happened and apologise because he had been going on and on about this party..

She didn’t have anything to apologise for, and her child did absolutely nothing wrong.

You are in the wrong here, you need to accept that and build some resilience in both yourself and your son so you can stop emotionally abusing him.

@corythatwas

It doesn't have to be massive things: littledoll's response is perfect: "you would be much better just saying 'sometimes you get invited, sometimes you don't. Let's go to the park instead and play on the swings and slides!'"

Thank you.

That's the sort of thing I used to do. 'Distraction therapy' I think it's called - or something similar. Diverting them away from something 'negative' to something more positive.

On a few occasions, DD and a friend of hers would fall out, (when she was younger, like primary age, and young secondary age) and she'd come in crying saying 'Alice says she is not my friend and walked away from me....' She would be in tears, and I would hug her and say 'let's go feed the ducks or the horses,' or 'let's play a video game for half an hour,' or something she really enjoyed, and she would often cheer up and put the issue that was upsetting her to the back of her mind.

No point in causing arguments with other kids (or their parents,) as 90% of the time, they'd make up the next day! Some parents would were bloody nightmare though, and got terribly involved in the childrens spats and arguments. They's really fall out, and still be enemies waaaaaay after the kids made up!

@Lizzie48

I'm certainly not the only one that does that. I thought that was the convention on here, that when not in bold OP meant opening post. Okay, if that's not the case I won't do it anymore.

Awwww, I'm sorry Lizzie.... I didn't mean anything by it! I'm just being a silly asshole. You carry on posting how you want to. Just ignore me. 😝😛😁

I really should start my own thread. Am I being unreasonable to think all this is a bit silly?

I disagree with Whattodo
Clearly it is not nice for a child to tell another they are invited when they are not. It is nasty for the child to then see they dont get an invite and as in OP confusing for parents who think the child is invited but doesnt seem to have an invite (and im sure some invites do go astray). If your kid is popular you wouldnt worry if it turns up it does if not they have another next week
or the party parent a friend you would ask them 'just to check yourdc said they were invited, i assumed not as no invite, just checking.'

I do think sen kids get excluded and kids who dont do as they are told. My dc has had 1 invite all year. And tbh it maybe shows more about why dc doesnt get on with the classmates.
It is impolite to talk about something you know someone isnt invited to in front of them. And can lead to them assuming they are. But i wouldnt expect 7yo to restrain themselves. I do feel very sorry for the uninvited ones having to listen to talk about parties all week. Tbh i think that is worse than all this made up rubbish of dont invite x of the class or 90% of the girls. It is sad seeing some so popular going to 3 parties a weekend when others dont have that many for years. And then when they do get to go of course they are over invested in the balloons and pass the parcel.

I do think it is hard in yr r when some kids are so obviously more popular.
But the reality is that, it will continue like this for some.

My youngest is having a party in a couple of weeks time. He's allowed to invite 5 children because that's how much space we have in the cars. He's invited 2 from his class, 1 from the class above who lives down the road and is actually a closer friend than anyone in his class, and two who aren't from his school at all, including his absolute best friend. He is the youngest of the six children and has been invited to all their parties already this year, but they were also his choices.

I can't see any reason at all he shouldn't talk about his party given he's only invited two of the twenty seven other children in his class.

Do you all ban children from mentioning that they've had a friend from the class over for tea or are meeting a friend from the class in the park after school?

This is absolutely ridiculous. Of course a 7 year old is excited by their party and will be talking about it to everyone and anyone. You were unreasonable to expect to be invited before DS was actually invited. You were unreasonable to cry about it- this is real life, sometimes people aren't included in everything and you have to teach your son that it's okay.

I'm sorry but I really don't get your reaction at all. If you're going to weep every time your kid isn't invited to something your life is going a be a veil of tears! How are you going to cope when they fail exams or don't get into the college they set their heart on?

Really life is full of rejections and disappointments the smallest of which are not getting invited to parties. You really need to toughen up a lot! I'm quite incredulous about how you reacted!

Clearly it is not nice for a child to tell another they are invited when they are not.

Helix1244 The OP’s child was never told they were invited; they just assumed they were.

It's more damagi for a child to have its parent weeping that they've failed as a parent and making the child their emo support than it is for a child to not be invited to a party

Absolutely hollow. Young children get upset when parent is upset. That’s why good parents shield their kids from their own extreme emotions within reason

but inside I am absolutely distraught and spent the afternoon partly in tears and apologising to my DS for all the times I failed as a mother.

Sorry but this is so selfish, you shouldn’t be showing your child this instability. It seems selfish of you to project this on to your him, you may make him feel guilty for your own emotions? He needs you to show strength and positivity

We visited the additional needs thing a few years back and the paediatrician gave me the option of going down the assessing/labelling route and I did not see what would was to be gained.

I haven’t RTFT so someone else might have already picked up on this, but YABU for this. Assessing and labelling are 2 completely different things. The point of assessing is not to label, but to ensure a child gets all the help they may need. Why would you deny this to your DS? Why would you have a problem if he had a “label”? SN aren’t going to go away if you ignore them.

We visited the additional needs thing a few years back and the paediatrician gave me the option of going down the assessing/labelling route and I did not see what would was to be gained.

Sorry, but I completely disagree here. We've had to fight hard to get DD1 (10 now) the help she needs. The school are on board now, finally. It's not as if the label is public knowledge, it's all kept completely confidential, which you will know as a doctor.

And it doesn't need to be explained to your DS in negative terms at all.

OP, do you know that ASD often runs in families? I'm not a professional but your extreme reaction makes me wonder if you are on the spectrum too. Wailing and declaring yourself to be a failure as a mother is what you do when you drive with your child in the car without a car seat and they are harmed or something super extreme. Nobody is invited to every party and everybody in his class will have overheard details of a party that they aren't invited to.

I suspect it's impossible to keep secrets at school- somebody will always overhear what you say and the details will spread. I don't think it's unreasonable for your son to jump to the incorrect conclusion that he's invited if he heard about the party but experiences like this will teach him that he's not invited until the invitation is received.