7yo not invited to classmates party despite her talking about it

[Inciwinci]

7 year old son came home several days this week excited by and convinced that he had been invited to a party because a classmate (who we had invited to his party) had been talking to him about the party coming up at the end of easter holidays. I had had no invite or notification from mum. I was informed by another mum that "whole class parties" stops after the 5th birthday. When we organised DS (FB) we invited 10 and had a situation where someone's parents got wind and made it clear that their DD would love to come. We gracefully added her on and fun was had by all. We also coached DS not to talk about his event around anyone who was not invited and from what I can tell he stuck to this. So today, at village kids event, I asked classmate's mum if DS was invited and was told no, we can only invite 10 for practical reasons. There was no apology or acknowledgement that her child has caused hurt and disappointment and potential humiliation to DS. I handled it with my DS in the "you get invited sometimes, sometimes you dont/do you actually play that much with her?/there are folk that you didnt invite to yours etc." but inside I am absolutely distraught and spent the afternoon partly in tears and apologising to my DS for all the times I failed as a mother.
It has been a struggle to teach my DS to socialise - he thinks and responds slowly and always has, but has recently started to enjoy the company of classmates, likes playing in the playground, has occasionally been over to play at others and they have been over to us, but it feels that just as he is starting to catch up a bit, the bitchiness (of parents) that I remember from my teenage years is what my kids have to deal with, so very much younger.
I am not sure what I am asking for here. I want to be able to help my son to find and enjoy the company of mates and make friends but the revelation that he is among kids of parents who might not have ever had to read about ASD and neurotypical and non-neurotypical and who don't coach their kids to be sensitive to the feelings of others makes me sick.
AIBU... I want to get my kids out of the school (there are other children who bring behaviour which the others have to learn to assert themselves with) for this reason and other concerns further up the school about the academic standards..
How do I get past this feeling of extreme dread and helplessness because the reality that there is very little I can do... And I kind of know I should not be so triggered by it. but I cant fight it...

I really hope this reciprocal party-invite thing isn't universal.

I did make it a rule for my DS (who has an ASC) that if he attended a birthday party then he had to invite the other child to his. Which is potentially problematic but DS's birthday was late in the school year so that he was the one doing the inviting back. We kept up big active parties (half class-ish, at softplay sports or swim centres) for longer than some of the other kids because DS enjoyed them and it made his birthday special for him, and that gave us an explanation if other kids didn't invite him "Freddie's only having a small party". It's all a bit of a social minefield though!

Gah. I hate deletions....especially when I miss whs been said and it's followed by reactions! Wish MN would do away with them.

the paediatrician gave me the option of going down the assessing/labelling route and I did not see what would was to be gained.

Well, one of many gains is that you get to find other parents whose children are dealing with similar issues. Parents of kids with diagnoses go along to the NAS parent-training groups and support meetings, they meet up when they take their kids to social-skills therapy groups and playschemes, and so on. These parents really will have "had to read about ASD and neurotypical and non-neurotypical". Though you may still find that some of your expectations about how much is required for kind and sensitive behaviour are a bit unusual.

How do I get past this feeling of extreme dread and helplessness because the reality that there is very little I can do... And I kind of know I should not be so triggered by it. but I cant fight it...

You really might need some professional help. You said yourself, your reaction is extreme; and your distraught reaction will be unhelpful for your DS. And you know, your DS might not be the only one with "a bit of ASC" in the mix. You obviously had social difficulties when you were young and you're finding it hard now... and Tony Attwood did remark that women with Asperger's can make very good GPs.

hazeyjane I don't actually think that merited deletion at all. She said a lot of unkind bitches had useful insights she didn't call anyone a name directly

I hope she does look at her own issues as a result of the thread and understand that her reaction was utterly inappropriate and far more damaging to her little boy than anything anyone else has done.

Who cries and tells their 7 year old they've failed as a mother? Its making the 7 year old the parent isn't it? Making them responsible for reassuring the parent that they're great and haven't failed...

*Also just to clarify again, I wasn’t asking for an invite, simply for the facts in order to manage DS expectation."

I think there are social nuances to this parent interaction that you are not picking up on OP. You are convinced that you haven't angled for an invite for your DS, but I would lay money that this "simply asking for the facts" prefaced by saying "just checking" came over as a thinly veiled complaint that your child had not been invited, to the other parent. I literally can't think of a way of phrasing it that doesn't imply a subtext of angling for an invitation or complaining your child doesn't have one. That is why it's rude to say anything in this context.

If we lived in an autistic world where everyone just said what they meant it would be fine, but we don't. Apparently(!) we live in a world where trying to help someone to get some perspective and insight, for the sake of helping their son, gets you labelled judgemental unkind bitch. Nice.

blueskiesovertheforest, thanks for the heads up.....maybe UnkindBitches could be a Mumsnet offshoot forum!

I too hope the op gets some help to manage her emotions, which are obviously overwhelming her, and are in danger of overwhelming her son.

Building resilience is key and it sounds like you need to work on that to support your son OP.

Delete or not.... it’s not only me that needs to look at myself....

No OP. It's definitely just you. Nobody here said anything wrong. Just like the mother and birthday child didn't do anything wrong.

I haven't read the full thread so I don't know if things have developed a lot from page 1 but I just wanted to say I completely get where you're coming from regarding this. I have a DS with some similar issues to yours and the thought of this happening brings a lump to my throat. Yes it may be an overreaction but it's incredibly hard (for me at least) to see your child in a vulnerable situation like this, especially if it's a 'death by a thousand cuts' and these little things keep happening. When they're innocently happy and unaware, it can be so painful to see social undercurrents that they just don't get . If your DS is like mine then he's probably pretty independent-minded and not too invested in 'fitting in' so try not to project those feelings onto him. It's hard though. I'm sure he's a wonderful boy and will be the kind of person who makes true friends and keeps them.

Have often not been able to return invite because my children have wanted a party at our house rather than a venue, and I can't fit more than about 10 children into our house (especially for a winter birthday!). We've had a venue party this year and I suggested they invite more friends who have been kind enough to invite them over the previous years, so I'm mindful of reciprocating but not going to insist if my children want a particular kind of party (either at our home or an expensive activity). Limiting numbers is often necessary for space or cost. Honestly, don't take it personally, it happens and isn't because your son is uninvitable or anything like that, it's probably just they aren't super close.

Party invitations at primary school can cause so much angst for parents, judging by the threads on Mumsnet. I do think the OP overreacted massively and needs to gain some resilience. OTOH, I think some posters could learn to rein it in with some of their over harsh comments. It was never going to go down well with an OP who is without any doubt over sensitive.

The OP was a bit rude to ask that parent. But that parent had done it herself and wangled her DS an invite, so she would hardly be in a position to complain about the OP being rude.

Party invitations do dwindle at the OP's DS's age. My DD2 (now 7) has received considerably fewer invitations this school year compared to when she was in reception and year 1. She only invited 4 of her best friends to her party. One of her friends asked her, why didn't she invite xxx? Her answer: she forgot about her. So there was nothing malicious or excluding about it.

There was another party where her close friends went that she wasn't invited to. It was puzzling, as she gets on well with the birthday girl. But DD2 wasn't upset about it, she then didn't even think about inviting her to her own party. (It would have been tricky if she had, as the party took place in our house and this girl dislikes cats, and we have 4.)

DD1 is now 10 and in year 5, and since year 1 has only been invited to 2 classmates' parties, and has very few play dates, unlike DD2. She struggles with this, but I would seriously be a complete wreck if I were to let myself be upset by it. (DD1 has serious attachment issues and really struggles to relate to other children; she gravitates to adults.)

My advice, OP? You really do need to take invitations less personally. I get sad about DD1's situation sometimes, but she takes it in her stride now.

Big overreaction.

I do find parties (especially hosting them) a social minefield though. Often end up in tears/panic attacks etc. So I do understand why it can be hard, though I am very aware that a lot of my reactions and issues with parties are because of my childhood and upbringing, not because anyone has done anything wrong. It sounds like this may be the case here. Your feelings aren't wrong and it's understandable why you feel upset, however it is extremely likely there is a very reasonable explanation for why your DS didn't get an invitation, so please don't blame anyone (including yourself!) and maybe plan something nice for you and DS for the day of the party instead.

I am weirdly stressed and weirded out by @Lizzie48 's post BOLDING the text every time she puts 'OP.'

@littledoll33 me to. And I have no justification for the feeling 😂

Not just me that's a weirdo then!!!

I'm certainly not the only one that does that. I thought that was the convention on here, that when not in bold OP meant opening post. Okay, if that's not the case I won't do it anymore.

The OP was a bit rude to ask that parent. But that parent had done it herself and wangled her DS an invite, so she would hardly be in a position to complain about the OP being rude.

I read it as a different classmate had wangled an invite, not the classmate now having the party.

Yes, I think I did get that wrong actually. But it might well explain why the OP then did the same thing, especially if she herself wasn't offended. It isn't something I would consider appropriate to ask, though.

Sometimes they get an invite, sometimes they don't, I cant see an issue it is part of life.
My DC take as it comes, your reaction is extreme, we can't protect our DC from every feeling, we can mirror how to deal with disappointment.

These parties are for the children - they are not for the parents' benefit!

Why are children expected to invite people they haven't chosen, if it's not a whole class party?

It says more about the parents' needs than the children. The main thing you have in common is that you have children at the same school at the same time.

How do I get past this feeling of extreme dread and helplessness because the reality that there is very little I can do... And I kind of know I should not be so triggered by it. but I cant fight it

Have you thought about CBT? There are really useful exercises you can do that help you to focus away from anxiety and difficulties and get on with the job.

Because at the end of the day, your job is to help your ds to get over disappointments as painlessly as possible, to develop an attitude that he can cope and that feeling a little bit upset doesn't mean something terrible has happened.

The strengths you help him to develop now will help him get over far greater disappointments later on. Sooner or later, some girl (or boy) will ditch him, he will miss out on an opportunity he wanted and felt he deserved, he will be lonely- as we all are from time to time. But if he has that inner confidence he will get over it.

It doesn't have to be massive things: littledoll's response is perfect:
"you would be much better just saying 'sometimes you get invited, sometimes you don't. Let's go to the park instead and play on the swings and slides!'"

If he trusts you to stay strong and cheerful, he will feel able to tell you of his disappointments. If he grows up thinking you will get terribly upset, he will soon start trying to protect you. And that means he will lose the support he needs.

I am currently waiting for a telephone call from my (disabled and mentally ill) dd who has been for an interview regarding something very important and intensely competitive. I am not expecting her to have succeeded and she probably doesn't either. But she knows she can ring me, because she knows I don't need protecting and I will make her feel better about it, whatever the outcome. And yes, I use CBT.

Cellibabies
I honestly get it. My ds is 8, he has additional needs, I have lost count of the number of times I've seen photos of whole class parties on his mainstream class Facebook page, parties he has not once been invited to. I notice the only children not invited are ds and another child with adfitional needs. It is shit. I will not blow it out of all proportion though, for his sake.

Inciwinci
Delete or not....it’s not only me that needs to look at myself..

I don't know if that is directed at me, but I have tried to make my posts about your situation as fair as possible -
I have admitted to crying in front of my children when life became too overwhelming, I thought I recognised that in your op and hoped you would be able to get some support.
I have a child with additional needs, I am well aware of the year for their future and how society may treat them (although I do not understand not wanting a diagnosis, but that is your prerogative)

You mustn't make it all about you, OP. Your DS shouldn't see you getting all emotional about him not being invited to parties. My DM does this, except that it's about something far more serious: my DSis and I told her about our childhood SA at the hands of our F and others a few years ago and she bursts into floods of tears every time we bring it up. It means that we can't get support from her, because she makes it all about her.

At least we're adults, though. You getting all emotional in front of your DS is no good to him at all, believe me.