7yo not invited to classmates party despite her talking about it

[Inciwinci]

7 year old son came home several days this week excited by and convinced that he had been invited to a party because a classmate (who we had invited to his party) had been talking to him about the party coming up at the end of easter holidays. I had had no invite or notification from mum. I was informed by another mum that "whole class parties" stops after the 5th birthday. When we organised DS (FB) we invited 10 and had a situation where someone's parents got wind and made it clear that their DD would love to come. We gracefully added her on and fun was had by all. We also coached DS not to talk about his event around anyone who was not invited and from what I can tell he stuck to this. So today, at village kids event, I asked classmate's mum if DS was invited and was told no, we can only invite 10 for practical reasons. There was no apology or acknowledgement that her child has caused hurt and disappointment and potential humiliation to DS. I handled it with my DS in the "you get invited sometimes, sometimes you dont/do you actually play that much with her?/there are folk that you didnt invite to yours etc." but inside I am absolutely distraught and spent the afternoon partly in tears and apologising to my DS for all the times I failed as a mother.
It has been a struggle to teach my DS to socialise - he thinks and responds slowly and always has, but has recently started to enjoy the company of classmates, likes playing in the playground, has occasionally been over to play at others and they have been over to us, but it feels that just as he is starting to catch up a bit, the bitchiness (of parents) that I remember from my teenage years is what my kids have to deal with, so very much younger.
I am not sure what I am asking for here. I want to be able to help my son to find and enjoy the company of mates and make friends but the revelation that he is among kids of parents who might not have ever had to read about ASD and neurotypical and non-neurotypical and who don't coach their kids to be sensitive to the feelings of others makes me sick.
AIBU... I want to get my kids out of the school (there are other children who bring behaviour which the others have to learn to assert themselves with) for this reason and other concerns further up the school about the academic standards..
How do I get past this feeling of extreme dread and helplessness because the reality that there is very little I can do... And I kind of know I should not be so triggered by it. but I cant fight it...

Yes. You've over reacted.

But it also sounds like the reality of your child being different has hit you and you e built it up into a bigger thing than it is.

It's understandable. And not unusual.

Parents often do coach their kids not to go on about their parties to those not invited... but I'm afraid it'll be many years before today's 7 year olds get that 100%. We try to teach our children to be thoughtful and kind but it's a process and they make mistakes along the way.

I think your last sentence says it. This is triggering for you. Not getting invited to a party is a normal thing, not a sign your DS is having a shit childhood. I think you let him talk about the upset then quietly minimise the "crime" (which I think you know is inflated in your head) to help him learn resilience. When he had his party it's quite possible he talked about it a bit too much with someone who wasn't invited. How would you have regarded that child's parent reacting as you have done to this?

^ said a lot more articulately than me

It is a bit personal when you dont get invited

But he didn't invite everyone to his party...

Arrange a nice day out for the day of the party. You say that he's been on playdates and has had friends over. Please don't compare your situation to his and assume everyone is horrible.

You can’t expect your son to sneak around only inviting certain friends and not expect it back?

I really don't buy this "sneaking around" concept. Past YR everyone invites a few, not the whole class. It's not teaching a child to lie or connive behind their friends' backs, it's just encouraging them to be a bit discreet to protect their friends' feelings. It's encouraging basic politeness and thoughtfulness, not "encouraging sneaking".

Yes, this was part of the chat, but he volunteered that he had in fact not mentioned the not inviting to the one kid ( who hits, spits, pretends he doesnt and that its all a game that everyone likes playing). We shouldnt have done this but knew already that selecting was the rule of thumb and he had come to the previous years full class party..
If someone felt moved to approach me about non-inviting, I would probably assume that they had a lack of invites too and sympathise and invite... In fact that is exactly what we did.
Maybe not the response you were expecting but I think that there is a place for not regarding it as rude but actually recognising it is quite a step to ask and that the distress that brings a parent to that is very real at the same time as being more than maybe it should be....

Well, I think...if this is the same parent of the girl who insisted her precious snowflake was invited to yours - despite the fact you only asked ten not whole class - and you complied, that she's been fucking rude. You know for next time.
Cue loads of posters saying that invites are never given out to get an invite back, cannot have forced reciprocity, up to the child, might be fixed places/costs etc
But for most nice people, there is a quid pro quo/party etiquette there whereby usually you make sure you invite those who invited you. I can't think of any parties where I've not done that even if it meant a couple extra.
On top of which, the ASD isolation/often being missed out of things is fucking hard to take, whether that can happen to NT too (it can) it is bloody hard to grin and bear it if it is always happening for ASD (you have to play it down for your own sanity, lovely).
Oh, and if she was the sort of mum to invite her dd to yours without a thought for your ds when her pfb had a party then a smirk might well be a she got one over you smirk. Fuck her. Fuck that shit. Organize a nice day out/1-1 activity the end of the holidays for you and DS and put her on your shit list (the mum not the wee girl).
It won't be the first or last time I'm afraid. All you can do is act light and fake it til you make it Xx

Hi Rage,

Thanks, it was not the same one.. it was a "why dont you invite a girl, oh xx seems nice, she's got nice parents and is chatty what about her?" kind of a suggestion on my part. She is the one who then did not invite back. Without being too specific, we have had other activities joint with these guys which my kids looked forward to, although we wont be doing it again..
The one that we invited, are nice folk but i dont think that we will get invited to that one either... I dont know what time of the year it is...
This is where the mismatch of expectation is.. it comes down to what I regard as courtesy and manners but maybe you can be too polite and maybe the kids who struggle to keep their mouths shut (I get that they are young and this is just kind of life) come with the parents who dont really have a sense of manners and courtesy either....

As you say,
Fuckers....
this is really good night now..

Hm. In my world be extremely rude to complain to the parent about my child not getting an invitation. End of.

It's a very NT sort of rude, I grant you, and I can imagine having to explain it in quite a lot of detail to my autistic son. But for me there are no shades of grey. And yes, I am used to my son not getting invitations.

Should clarify from my POV I just wanted clarity so that I could manage my son’s reality check and was not seeking an invite and although I probably left her a split second or two to respond however she felt moved to I briskly moved on and said no problem... I even kind of prefaced it with, just wanted to check.

Ah, okay. I've had that too. Nice enough child, happy to come, mum did not feel the need to return-invite, it happens. I still find it rude personally but it happens.
All you can do is rise above. I once had a girl say to one of my DDs that she was on her party invite as a C-list reserve What the actual fuck? The apple did not fall far from the tree in that case. We invited her nonetheless to our kid's bowling party because there was an inequal gender balance in the class and we would have been inviting all the girls and not her otherwise.
So I sucked it up. As I have manners despite me being sweary on here She deigned us with her presence but later left the school in a flounce over bullying. No one was bullying her. They just weren't putting up with her shit anymore and with only 9 girls altogether she ran out of kids to Regina George over.
The last party we did we had 10 kids. One child, who knows DD but not particularly close, had his party the weekend before. No invite for DD, no issue, they aren't particularly close. Cue the day after DD's party and this kid was indignant because he hadn't been asked. DD simply said it was based on numbers, not personal and pointed out that she hadn't been to his either, only 7 days before. He was still indignant. Sometimes logic falls out the window.

I too think you are over-reacting here. To be in tears is perhaps a little extreme. I know it's horrible to see your child upset, but really no-one died here.

I know how you feel to some extent because I had twin boys (now adult) both on the autism spectrum as well as having physical disabilties. They never, ever got invited to any school party throughout their years at school. Not one. And they witnessed their younger sister seemingly at a party each weekend. It wasn't pleasant of course, but what can you do? It would have been nice for the twins to have experienced going to a birthday party at least once, and as adults I know they can be OTT grateful should anyone ever invite them to something. Worrying and being upset over one party will only make it worse for your little boy. Try and put it in perspective. It isn't worth crying about, really it isn't so I hope you feel better soon.

and spent the afternoon partly in tears and apologising to my DS for all the times I failed as a mother.
Way over the top reaction, your behaviour will not teach your son to be resilient or accepting, do you want him to think he's entitled to always be included? You excluded plenty from his party so your reaction is ridiculous.

I think it's rude of the DDs parents not to reciprocate, after you added their DD to your DSs party which was also just for ten. To me, that's rude and a double standard.

Nah blood tis another mother, whose DD also went to OP's party. Would have been nice to get a return invite but we all know that doesn't always happen. Maybe she's doing a themed sexist girly one. I still think reciprocity is the way to go but many on here don't agree.
I assume OP mentioned the cf mum as an example of OP bending to more than 10 so being hurt another Mum hasn't done the same for her.

YABU, oversensitive and overreacting.

Your child shouldn’t have to worry about you, so you shouldn’t be crying unnecessarily over a non-issue, otherwise you’re going to pass these anxieties onto him and make his own problems worse.

He wasn’t invited. It’s a fact of life. Yeah he thought he was; disappointment is also a fact of life. Be resilient and teach him to be resilient.

7 year olds have not yet developed tact or much of a filter. Take your son out for a treat on the day.

Agree that you dramatically overreacted and this was probably worse for your son than the not being invited part. You said yourself that he didn't invite everyone to his party, and wasn't distressed when you said he might not be invited to this one. So I don't think your getting tearful and so emotional about it was a positive reaction - if your son noticed it would have made something which was a small deal into a big deal for him.

If you do activities with these people I can understand why you feel it was odd not to get an invite. I would have felt the same when my dd was that age. But with an older dd looking back, I get things more. Some parents are nasty. Others lack awareness. The smirk to her dh could have been embarrassment. Your ds may have not have been invited for a good (unbitchy) reason so don’t assume it was a sleight. Furthermore your ds didn’t express upset at not being invited. This is about your anxiety, not his so do try not to pass it on. I think it was actually more rude of the other mother, whose dd you added on not to invite your ds.... unless she had a single sex party.

I think you're over invested. Step back and dont take non invitations personally. Since mine turned six she hasn't been invited to any parties at all. She has come home once believing shes been invited to a couple too! So I know how it feels., I'm pretty sure they all cry when they realise they've not been invited. Its because they're suddenly gone from playing alone alongside each other (class parties) to just one best friend.

But for most nice people, there is a quid pro quo/party etiquette there whereby usually you make sure you invite those who invited you

Not if your dcs Birthday is first and if your dc doesn’t like them.

Stop living your past via your dc. He is not you and sounds like he’s doing fine at school.

I would never invite a dc out of perceived obligation if I genuinely couldn’t E.G. restricted numbers. Maybe the mum was relieved she had a cast iron excuse to keep it small!

I'd really not worry about it. He isn't invited so move on - I mean that kindly, you'll drive yourself mad if you over think it

We are doing a party for dd this year and will only be inviting 10, I’ll hand the parents directly as that way the kids don’t get to upset in class if they are not invited. Don’t pander to social butterflies who believe thier child must go to every party. Dd is one of the most popular kids in her class and so has been invited 20+ parties the last 2 years, I’d rather she wasn’t, time and money adds up. I wouldn’t get upset if she wasn’t though. She’s had 3 alone this month 😖 and a I know a a 1/4 of the class have birthdays towards the end of the school year. Just gotta crack on with it and don’t let it get to you 😊

Good grief. Resilience is a core skill children need and you have to model that behaviour and not weep and wail and berate yourself bec he's not been invited to a party. There will be a lot more parties that he isn't invited to. You have to make it no big deal fir tour kids nit the end of the world. You're managing this very very badly. Toughen up. Teach your son to be resilient in the face of disa. Every kid in the school will not be invited to a party at some point.