7yo not invited to classmates party despite her talking about it

[Inciwinci]

7 year old son came home several days this week excited by and convinced that he had been invited to a party because a classmate (who we had invited to his party) had been talking to him about the party coming up at the end of easter holidays. I had had no invite or notification from mum. I was informed by another mum that "whole class parties" stops after the 5th birthday. When we organised DS (FB) we invited 10 and had a situation where someone's parents got wind and made it clear that their DD would love to come. We gracefully added her on and fun was had by all. We also coached DS not to talk about his event around anyone who was not invited and from what I can tell he stuck to this. So today, at village kids event, I asked classmate's mum if DS was invited and was told no, we can only invite 10 for practical reasons. There was no apology or acknowledgement that her child has caused hurt and disappointment and potential humiliation to DS. I handled it with my DS in the "you get invited sometimes, sometimes you dont/do you actually play that much with her?/there are folk that you didnt invite to yours etc." but inside I am absolutely distraught and spent the afternoon partly in tears and apologising to my DS for all the times I failed as a mother.
It has been a struggle to teach my DS to socialise - he thinks and responds slowly and always has, but has recently started to enjoy the company of classmates, likes playing in the playground, has occasionally been over to play at others and they have been over to us, but it feels that just as he is starting to catch up a bit, the bitchiness (of parents) that I remember from my teenage years is what my kids have to deal with, so very much younger.
I am not sure what I am asking for here. I want to be able to help my son to find and enjoy the company of mates and make friends but the revelation that he is among kids of parents who might not have ever had to read about ASD and neurotypical and non-neurotypical and who don't coach their kids to be sensitive to the feelings of others makes me sick.
AIBU... I want to get my kids out of the school (there are other children who bring behaviour which the others have to learn to assert themselves with) for this reason and other concerns further up the school about the academic standards..
How do I get past this feeling of extreme dread and helplessness because the reality that there is very little I can do... And I kind of know I should not be so triggered by it. but I cant fight it...

Her child hasn't done anything wrong. He is excited about his party and is allowed to be and allowed to talk about it. Just because you told your child does not mean another child is under the same pressure. In fact by telling your child that he mustn't talk about it except to those he did invite has made him wrongly assume if a child talks about their party then he will be invited. If you want him to be sensitive to others needs that is lovely, but don't ever expect the same and it isn't them being wrong or impolite. It is a child being excited.

People can invite who they want to invite and should not have to apologise for their choice whether it is the parent or the child. Some parents invite their own friends' kids and some invite who the kids want. I knew of a woman who was most put out that her child was not invited to her best friend's child's party but the children weren't friends and the child chose his party guests. Uninvited Mum phoned party mum at 7am to ask why her precious darling wasn't invited and believe me she got short shrift in reply!

No one should then tell their child that those people are not polite because they didn't send a reciprocal invitation. You do not know the circumstances of why they chose their own invitees. Often a child thinks X is their best friend (maybe because they sit next to them in class and do not have a large social circle) whereas that other child would not consider that child to be in their group of friends because he has other schools friends, beavers friends, football friends etc.

It is a shame that this has made you reflect on your own childhood in such a negative way but learn from this. Going forward make him aware that even if people are talking about parties until he has an actual invite he may not be going.

This may be the first one but it won't be the last. Parties decrease in size as they get older and the event or activity more expensive.

With hindsight I am sure you realise that you too should have replied to the parent seeking an invite in the same way.

Children don't get invited to every party and children shouldn't be expected to invite children who they don't wish to be there. In life, we don't all get to do everything.

I think you need to step back from your child a bit and let him develop some resilience. I don't think it is reasonable to expect children not to discuss their party at school, either - they are excited about it.

My son never got invited after the class parties stopped - he had learning difficulties and was bypassed. However, we had some fab times with him instead. Now, at 18, he passes time with his peers when he is out and about, but if the friendship had been engineered all those years ago and he had been invited because parents thought they had to, it would have made no difference to the outcome that they are acquaintances and not friends. It would have just given him false hope for longer.

My daughter didn't invite all the girls in her class to her party, but neither do I expect her to be invited to all of theirs. That's life!

I’m intrigued by how people respond to someone’s emotional honesty on here as well...

Crying and apologising to your DS all afternoon is closer to emotional abuse than emotional honesty. It is obvious that you love your son and are working very hard to help him fit in socially, but it also seems likely that you yourself (not your DS) lack some skills in this area, and should stand back and be slow to get involved.

I am intrigued btw that you believe you know so much about other people's lives, friendships, social obligations and motivations. How do you do that?

You say the mother of the girl showed 'bad manners' by not 'gracefully' inviting your son. It seems to me that you showed a total lack of awareness of your own lack of knowledge about that family's circumstances, friendships, thought processes and careful decision-making! (Never mind that, with many entertainers and activities, ten means ten, not eleven).

How do you know better than other people what they are thinking?

Inciwinci you are a doctor who thinks your child has "a bit of ASD" and cries and apologises "for all the times I failed as a mother" to your 7 year old son.

That isn't emotional honesty, it's ignorance and making your child carry your emotional baggage.

It isn't the other parents and children handling this incorrectly nor being dishonest, and it doesn't sound as though it's the behaviour of non family members creating problems for your son.

As others say being a doctor doesn't mean you have all the correct answers to parenting, nor that you are in good mental health and not in need of some support for your own issues, which are clearly making you miserable and massively twisting how you view the world, and bubbling up to negatively impact upon your child.

OP - you may find this an interesting and useful read: autisticmotherland.com/2016/04/13/autism-and-acceptance/

It's not labelling - it's a diagnosis and if your DS doesn't meet the criteria, he won't get one.

There is a difference between being deliberately left out and a child only allowed to invite a third of the children.

My DD has had where she has been one of 2 girls deliberately not invited - the child stood in front of her rifled through the invites in the class (she had said it was a whole class party) and then didnt invite her. That said DD although upset knew that the girl had form (and she is very difficult)

But for DD birthday recently she could invite 7 girls to it (Theatre trip) that was all I could afford. She invited 6 out of 13 girls from her class (so 7 out of 13 went including her) and one from another class. They talked about it the next after because they were excited. Those who didnt know knew that they were not as close to DD (and she wasnt invited to their parties either). One of those invited is having a bigger party so everyone is

SO yes disappointed - but where is the hurt and humilation?

I want to be able to help my son to find and enjoy the company of mates and make friends but the revelation that he is among kids of parents who might not have ever had to read about ASD and neurotypical and non-neurotypical and who don't coach their kids to be sensitive to the feelings of others makes me sick.

Is your DS ASD?

Oh my word, this is such an overreaction. Your anxiety and lack of resilience will affect your son if you don't get a handle on it (sorry ). As a parent, there will be bigger issues and disappointments over the years than this. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Please read the thread. OP has been very honest in her postings.

Eliza9919 the OP thinks he has "a bit of ASD" (although it's not something that you can have "a bit" of), doesn't want to ask the opinion of any professional but herself as she doesn't want him labelled, doesn't consider the possibility that any other child in the class might have an actual ASD diagnosis nor any other SEN, and herself excludes children who's behaviour she dislikes.

Obviously it's possible that the OP's child has ASD, but he doesn't have a diagnosis and his mother's behaviour is setting him up to struggle socially whether he has ASD or not.

OP do you realise that you have only mentioned that you talked to your son and he was not visibly distressed.

Everything else has been about how you are hurt and your past and how you feel. If your son is hurt then acknowledge that but don't dwell on it and cause it to be a major upset for him.

It is a bit personal when you dont get invited

When you only invited 10 was it personal? Or was it for space/financial/other reasons?

I think you are taking this issue and linking it back to your past which isn't healthy. Your son is not you.

I'm a bit bewildered by your last post to be honest.... a bit of ASD to be dealing with with DS... is an odd way of looking at it.

As for emotional honesty, I'm not going to pretend I haven't broken and and cried in front of my did, but when I have, I knew that it was because I needed help and I was floundering. Me collapsing in tears did my children no good at all, but admitting that I was finding it hard and needed help, did.

Oh dear, and I really hope this reciprocal party-invite thing isn't universal. We did eventually invite the whole class to DD's 7th, because she was picking enough she wanted that in her small class I was worried some would feel left out (and it was the first party with this group of kids). We decided we could splash out this year, with the understanding (and DD knows) that next year it will be more like 4-5 kids, and low-key at our house. But if 20 children reciprocally invite, I don't know that I can afford that many gifts!!

Although this year I know there have been many parties she wasn't invited to - someone she thinks of her best friend told DD her Mum said only 5 kids, and DD wasn't among them. I told her that sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't. Another child for whom she was among the 4 allowed last year, didn't invite her this time. And one little boy talked about his party tons but I don't think anyone at school was invited...

If your son has ASD you need to model reasonableness and do a lot of explaining about emotions. You can acknowledge his hurt, yourself, but you really can't expect another parent who has no knowledge of your son's emotions to be the one to handle it. That's your job. It also smacks a bit of expectation of mind-reading: how would she acknowledge hurt and humiliation felt by a random boy in her child's class? How would she know? Unless, that is, you didn't just "just check", but instead laid on thick your son's emotional state having not received an invitation - in which case, you were out of order, and were angling for an invite.

After your post about emotional honesty and adding it to your op, especially not being able to fight the emotions, I’m actually quite concerned about you op. I really think you should be getting some therapy / counselling. You are teaching your ds the wrong things about how to react. If he does have asd he may be relying on you more not less to get him to interpret social cues.

So other parents are bitches and some of us are now bitches? I'm out.

Wow op! Please get some counselling.

OP this is a huge overreaction. You really need to speak to someone as your views are really not normal. Your son did not get an invite to a party. It happens and will happen a lot more in the years to come. You really need to work on how you react to things like this as your son will pick up on it.
You are labeling other mothers as bitches because your child did not get added to a party list. That is really strange behaviour. If you continue like this other parents will see you as one of those mums and chances are your child will be invited to even less. I'm not saying that's ok but to be honest other parents don't need or want the drama over a kids party.

There seems to be a new pressure for this generation of children and parents around parties. They are far too significant. Children need to learn the lessons around expectations and disappointment. Parents need to help them do this. You may be sad your child is not invited to everything but that's life. If a parent can't handle it the child wont. Help your child to minimise their disappointment, dont make it a harder job.

Actually within the context of her own posts and of this style of thread I think Inciwinci is actually doing quite well to acknowledge that us bitches have useful insights.

I hope she's taken them on board and will seek some outside help for her own mental health / emotional regulation / unresolved childhood issues and the opinions of relevant professionals as to whether her son might genuinely have ASD.

@Inciwinci

MASSIVE OTT reaction. You are not doing your son any favours OP. I know you are hurt for him, but to be honest, you would be much better just saying 'sometimes you get invited, sometimes you don't. Let's go to the park instead and play on the swings and slides!'

You are setting your son up for a life of disappointment and resentment if you keep behaving like this.

And just because you do something, that doesn't mean someone has to do the same for you. If you do something and expect the same (or similar) in return, you are going to spend your life disappointed, rejected, resentful, angry, and bitter, whilst thinking dark and angry thoughts about those who don't 'measure up' in your opinion.......

Good luck to you, but please don't pour your negativity and annoyance into your son's ears. Stop assuming people owe you!

Have you spoken to anyone (a professional) about your angst and neediness and insecurity? Because if not, I think you should, before it starts to affect your son.

And your comments at 10.31am (today - 8th April,) are well out of order. Sort yourself out. You sound like bloody hard work!