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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret Smoking

59 replies

PrtScn · 07/04/2019 19:50

My DP couldn’t find the dogs collar, so when he took dog out using the harness, I thought I’d look for it. I couldn’t find it anywhere in the house so checked the coat pockets of the coat he usually wears and I found a lighter. With suspicion aroused, I looked in his work bag and found a packet of cigarettes. So basically he has been lying to me about not smoking.
What would you do? I’m very anti-smoking as one of my parents and an uncle have died of lung cancer in their early 50s having been smokers. We have a small baby, and DP is nearly 50 so I’m concerned about his health. I don’t know why or when he started smoking. I did ask several months back if he had been smoking as I thought I could smell something, but he denied it.
I feel bad about looking in his workbag. So don’t know if I should just forget I saw them, stick a “busted” note in the packet or ask him directly about it.

OP posts:

Nearlythere1 · 07/04/2019 20:01

I like the "busted" note idea as an ice breaker to a subsequent conversation!

AuntMarch · 07/04/2019 20:01

Did you ever know he smoked?

I hid it from an ex once after trying to quit and failing, because he'd always badgered me about it. He caught me in the end of course.

Looking back though I think he knew I smoked when we met, and if he'd been more supportive instead of giving me a hard time (when trying to stop) maybe I'd have been more honest.
He had no right to tell me what to do anyway! But I was young and naive.

I'm not saying you'll have been the same as him - but if it's a historic habit for him please understand it's HARD! He might think he's saving you the worry/upset and that if he can keep it from having an affect on you that it should be ok for him to choose to do it.

Anewusername1 · 07/04/2019 20:05

My DH did exactly this!

I smelt smoke all the time and would accuse him. He eventually told me and said he didn’t want to tell me in case I ended it.

He was under a lot of pressure at work and with a new baby. I was upset and angry he didn’t talk to me but he’s been on vapes for over a year now and is one of those ‘ex smokers’ that can’t stand the smell.

I would confront him with the cigarettes and ask what’s going on x

Original poster

PrtScn · 07/04/2019 20:48

When we first got together he didn’t divulge the fact he smoked to me, I found out after a few months (he was never a heavy smoker), so I just assumed he didn’t smoke. He gave up soon after, this was nearly 13 years ago.

OP posts:

SoSoOuting · 07/04/2019 20:59

Had to name change for this as it is as my name change says so outing as loads of friends know.
I suspected DH of having started smoking again nearly two decades ago when we had two small children, asked him ( twice) and he denied it. All fine.
Went to bed earlish one night and when I went to the loo an hour later thought I smelled smoke. Went downstairs and sure enough there was someone smoking in the garden so I just turned the key in the door and went back to bed. DH spent the night in the garden. Went down at 6am and unlocked the door and went back to bed until the DC woke up, heard the shower going followed 10 minutes later by him walking into the bedroom. We locked eyes and not one word was exchanged. Sorted.
A few days later had a message from a friend asking did you really....? DH had told her husband and a few other friends - I hadn't mentioned it to anyone - it spread through the group. I mentioned it to DH - why had he told people and he said it was because nothing had ever shocked him so much. He was frozen to the core and honestly thought I might kick him out - had the most miserable night and he felt it was a warning to everyone never to lie.

Far2go46 · 07/04/2019 21:18

@sosoouting

Bit harsh, he could have got hypothermia. He sounds pretty wet, why didn't he bang on the door?

PoppyD93x · 07/04/2019 21:32

@Far2go46 if he didnt lie he wouldnt of been in that situation!
@SoSoOuting good on you!!

Far2go46 · 07/04/2019 21:42

Abusive behavior if you ask me

Heartofglass12345 · 07/04/2019 22:08

That is abusive! Imagine if a woman came on here saying her husband had locked her in the garden all night! Why do people think it's funny when women abuse men?
He is not a child, you can't control what he does. If it's a dealbreaker for you, leave him. It's that simple. If you tell him you're thinking of leaving he may stop, but you can tell him what to do!

Heartofglass12345 · 07/04/2019 22:11

*cant tell him

Far2go46 · 07/04/2019 22:25

If my DH did that to me I'd be gone

SoSoOuting · 07/04/2019 22:35

Answer in order
@Far2go46 - glass door, at the back of the house, our room(with DD2 who was 4 months) was at the front of the house and DD1 in the middle. Could have banged if he wanted but was more likely to wake the neighbours than me.
Thank you @PoppyD93x - twice and he knew it.
@Heartofglass12345 you cannot tell a stranger what to do but within a relationship if you make a commitment to do something, as a couple, which we had done and then you lie about it then you expect consequences. He knew that and he took it on the chin.
You do know that if someone has life insurance as a non-smoker and then dies and is found out to be a smoker it invalidates the policy? If PrtScn partner was knocked down by a bus in the morning she could be left with a young baby, a mortgage and no life insurance payout from her DH as he has lied to her. Lies have consequences in people's lives and have no place in a good relationship.
We have gone on to survive 20 more years and really trust and respect each other.

Far2go46 · 07/04/2019 22:39

20 years under your thumb

Wineloffa · 07/04/2019 22:44

Locking your husband outside all night is cruel!! I am really shocked at this!! Very abusive behaviour.

SoSoOuting · 07/04/2019 22:44

Nope - 20 years respecting the decisions we made together. If you can honestly not see my reasoning after reading what I have put then I give up!

Wineloffa · 07/04/2019 22:47

But for smoking a cigarette? What a total over reaction.

SoSoOuting · 07/04/2019 22:53

It is not a cigarette, there were others. It was not a lie, it was two.
If you don't have trust - you have nothing!

Also this - I used to work in Insurance and people doing this are placing those left behind in a precarious position:
What if you start smoking after getting life insurance?
You should notify your insurer if you have a nonsmoker policy, but start smoking later.

Why? It goes back to the possibility that you die and an autopsy finds a smoking-related illness. The insurer could reject the death penalty because you claimed to be a nonsmoker.

Smoker rates are much higher than nonsmoker policies. You might want to keep quiet about your new smoking habit. However, it’s a smart decision to notify your insurer and pay the higher premiums rather than have your family lose the health benefit.

Anyway - I don't want to derail the OP's thread so I'll leave it there.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/04/2019 22:58

Ha @sosoouting

I had that done to me by my utterly controlling XH for 2 hours on a balcony in January and cited it in the divorce papers as evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

Allegedly that alone would have been enough to grant the divorce.

OP, let me tell you something, you are on a hiding to nothing. You have to let him find his own way to this but he has made a rod for his own stupid back by being deceitful from the word go.

I smoked for 15 years and gave up as I felt stupid being on hi-alert stuffing in fag breaks when the baby was asleep or hearing the monitor peep, coming in, washing top to toe only to realise no emergency and instantly wanting another fag.

Stupid stupid stupid. The only way I successfully gave up was the Allen Carr Easyway thing in Raynes Park. Worth every penny. Stand firm that you are chronically disappointed with him but don’t destroy fags/issue a ban. Just drive home that the duplicitous nature of his behaviour is at odds with your wedding vows and you know he smokes but you don’t have to tolerate it.

End of. He won’t know where to go with that, maximising him “reaching the conclusion himself”.

UterusUterusGhali · 07/04/2019 22:58

Jesus.

sirmione16 · 07/04/2019 22:59

OP I would personally take the lighter and the cigarettes and put a note in the pocket saying "we need to talk" and then ignore any texts or calls for the day and calmly but fairly discuss it with him that evening. If he doesn't at least try his best to quit then I'd be annoyed/upset as it's disrespectful to carry on knowing your partner doesn't agree.

Locking someone out of their property in bad weather conditions is no way to address an issue in a relationship. You wouldn't do it to a loved family member, why would you do it to your partner? PP you sound unnecessarily harsh and I know you don't agree, this is simply my opinion - I just find it saddening you feel this is the kind of approach to "fix" things is all... but each to their own

Wineloffa · 07/04/2019 23:00

@sosoouting - I understand the implications on life insurance and obviously trust is important in a relationship but that doesn’t justify locking your husband outside all night. Honestly if my husband did that to me I would never get over it. Aren’t you even a bit embarrassed by your actions? Your husband must have felt totally humiliated when all your friends found out.
Don’t want to get into an argument, I’m just genuinely shocked.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:05

Id be furious op. He's putting your baby at risk of sids by continuing to smoke and I'm assuming he's already much older than you so putting you at risk of being left alone for years. He should have let you know before the baby.

Cheeeeislifenow · 07/04/2019 23:09

@sosoouting

That is really really appalling band abusive, to lock your husband out of his own home, because he smoked? Yes he liked, but it's hardly surprising if this is how you treat him. He is probably afraid of you.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 07/04/2019 23:15

Where does it say that Soso left him out in bad weather? Ultimately he could have just walked to the nearest friend/family/24hr supermarket if he didn’t want to be outside. It’s not exactly nice but I don’t think you could call that abuse. Abuse requires a power imbalance and the more powerful person taking advantage of that. Given that he could have gone elsewhere it’s not really a power imbalance in and of itself so there’s nothing to suggest abuse without a wider context.

@OP just tell him you know and talk about it.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:19

Yes he liked, but it's hardly surprising if this is how you treat him. He is probably afraid of you.

Im sure he's terrified of her. But equally he could have bern honest and givem herthe optionto leave him. My guess is he knew she'd consider leaving so thought he'd make life easier by lying.

People are allowed to have limits in their relationship if they dont want to have children with someone that's trying to give themselves cancer and prepared to lie about it they can leave. The OPs husband could have gone to a friends house or rang the bell.

Women give up alcohol and cigarettes and live heathily but men can do whatever they want or you're being abusive.

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