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Original poster

Secret Smoking

59 replies

PrtScn · 07/04/2019 19:50

My DP couldn’t find the dogs collar, so when he took dog out using the harness, I thought I’d look for it. I couldn’t find it anywhere in the house so checked the coat pockets of the coat he usually wears and I found a lighter. With suspicion aroused, I looked in his work bag and found a packet of cigarettes. So basically he has been lying to me about not smoking.
What would you do? I’m very anti-smoking as one of my parents and an uncle have died of lung cancer in their early 50s having been smokers. We have a small baby, and DP is nearly 50 so I’m concerned about his health. I don’t know why or when he started smoking. I did ask several months back if he had been smoking as I thought I could smell something, but he denied it.
I feel bad about looking in his workbag. So don’t know if I should just forget I saw them, stick a “busted” note in the packet or ask him directly about it.

OP posts:
FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:20

Fat fingers and tired eyes ignore the typos!

Walkingdeadfangirl · 07/04/2019 23:21

Op your being very controlling, its his life, if he wants to smoke then he can.
If you dont like this then you have the choice to leave him, but stop CONTROLLING his life.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:22

Bullshit walkingdead he's putting his child at risk of sids and lying to his wife. If the Op said she'd smoked through pregnancy youd probably call her a selfish cow

SoSoOuting · 07/04/2019 23:24

As I have been tagged I'll respond.
@Wineloffa - if you read my post HE told them - not me. I would never have humiliated him in front of everyone, he told three friends and they told their wives and then one of the wives messaged me to ask was it true.
On the night, I woke up to go to the loo,small baby so a bit sleep deprived, thought is something burning, went down, took in the situation, saw red, didn't have the will/energy to hear it/discuss it/deal with it so just acted. He knew when we met and married what he was getting - that said I have mellowed a bit over the years since. Given the outcome I don't regret it - it was summer though still gets damn cold at 4am in London no matter what time of year. We have both made mistakes over the last 20 years odd but we don't hide things - we confess and deal with it. I trust him and he me and I love him very much.

Cheeeeislifenow · 07/04/2019 23:28

Women give up alcohol and cigarettes and live heathily but men can do whatever they want or you're being abusive.

Errh no locking someone out of their own home because of something they are doing that you don't like, without so much as a discussion IS abuse. So if a woman is pregnant and she had a drink, it would be fine for her husband to lock her outside?

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:32

Was he pregnant?!!! Shit I missed that bit.

justasking111 · 07/04/2019 23:33

I know my OH smokes secretly, have caught him in the garden, can smell it in the garage, in his car, on his clothes, on his breath. He is diagnosed with late onset asthma, but what can I do? He is an adult and I treat him as such.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:35

He is an adult and I treat him as such.

Well then why is he doing it secretly? Confused

justasking111 · 07/04/2019 23:36

Because he knows it makes his asthma worse and I worry about him.

Madein1995 · 07/04/2019 23:45

soso definitely an overreaction at best and abuse at worst. If a man had done that to a woman there'd be no question! Bullying behaviour, and you seem quite proud of your actions? Your poor husband! Hope he grows some balls and leaves

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:48

I think lying to someone so they will stay with you and have your children (which means they have to be healthy and smoke/booze free FOR 9 MONTHS) is far worse that being locked out for 6 hours. Im shocked anyone thinks differently and yes, as she said, he could have then died of cancer and invalidated his insurance meaning she'd be left alone and broke. Not to mention risking his child's health. And she'd get no choice in it.

morefoolyou · 07/04/2019 23:49

My dad is a secret smoker. It is honestly the worst kept secret in the world.
We know he does it
He know we know he does it
We don't want him to know that he know that we know that he does it!
We figure if it's all out in the open, then he will smoke way more.
At least this way he only smokes a few fags a day.

Madein1995 · 07/04/2019 23:50

Why the hell should he have had to walk to a friend's? Clear bloody victim blaming. Unless of course you're going to state that a woman locked out for daring to spoke a cigarette should just stop whinging and going to her friends

Soso great to see that a life insurance policy matters more than the state of your relationship. You say there's mutual respect. Yeah right. You're a bully, and a control freak. Cannot believe it. Even worse that you think it's ok. And your casual attitude that he wouldn't have woken you up! Disgusting. Hope that next time you drink a bit too much gin or burn the toast or something your husband doesn't like, he locks you out. See how you fucking like if.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:57

I know it's terrible when women have boundaries but if smoking was a deal breaker for her should she not have been given a chance to end things before she got pregnant?

And no, I dont lie about things my husband would consider a deal breaker (because it would inconvenience me if he left me). I don't force people to stay with me with deceit. Thats far far worse than 6 hours outside.

Thats controlling. That's long term abuse. Thats why he should have walked to a friend. He fucked up.

FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls · 07/04/2019 23:59

Im guessing soso your husband is happy you gave him a chance and didn't just leave him for lying repeatedly to you.

breadzeb · 08/04/2019 00:02

If you don't have trust - you have nothing!

Yeah; your husband probably had some level of trust that you wouldn't lock him outside all night @SoSoOuting 🤷🏻‍♀️

That really is one awful thing to do to somebody. You speak of it with pride as well 🤦🏻‍♀️

breadzeb · 08/04/2019 00:03

Bold fail on my first line ^ Blush

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2019 00:14

I mentioned it to DH - why had he told people and he said it was because nothing had ever shocked him so much. He was frozen to the core and honestly thought I might kick him out - had the most miserable night and he felt it was a warning to everyone never to lie.

The words of an abused spouse right there ^^

I hope he's managed to get away from you to a safe and happy space.

MoonStarsSun · 08/04/2019 00:19

I think if you'd have locked the door for 5 minutes to teach him a (short) lesson it would have been within reason. But actually leaving him outside all night? Also it's not a usual reaction to that for the partner to stay outside, freezing silently until 6am, rather than banging on the door or being pretty cross. Also telling all the friends as a "warning not to lie" i basically he was trying to get back in your good books by sacrificing his pride by telling your friends of his "terrible" behaviour - not by smoking, but by lying! This is fairly key!

I personally wouldn't be very proud of treating my DH like that. A healthier way might have been to have actually had a conversation about it, even if it wasn't that night and/or you asked him to sleep in a spare room if you were so very cross with him and didn't want to deal with it there and then.

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2019 00:35

Also it's not a usual reaction to that for the partner to stay outside, freezing silently until 6am, rather than banging on the door or being pretty cross.

That's what I'm thinking too.

If my DH locked me out I'd be banging the doors down and phoning the police.

To think he just sat there until the morning, freezing cold and doing nothing about being locked out of his own home, makes him sound a bit 'broken' or at the very least completely 'downtrodden'.

No-one should have to live like that.

Penguincake · 08/04/2019 03:19

So so you are a bully and an abuser. Your husbands reactions make it sound like you have broken him. You say that “he knew what he was getting” when he married you. That is a hell of a sentence to justify controlling and vile behaviour.

mrsmuddlepies · 08/04/2019 04:20

What a horrible story, SoSoOuting. Do you 'punish' other people that cross you? You are abusive. I bet there are lots of things your husband dare not tell you because of your extreme reactions. You should be ashamed and acknowledge that what you did was wrong.

ChipSandwich · 08/04/2019 06:15

I'd be shocked if one of my friends did this to their husband. It would change my view of them. It's a nasty entitled thing to do. No amount of excuses would change my mind

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/04/2019 06:34

I smoked when I met my DH and he loathed it, he wouldn’t move in with me if I smoked in the house, so I only smoked outside, then told him I quit but Had a secret stash and occasionally sneaked one then eventually I gave up altogether, yes nagged me about it, he sometimes found my stash and got a bit shitty, but at no time did he do anything drastic or dangerous, I am an adult, my own person and he had to respect that as I did not smoking near him. It’s not a nice habit, he will be aware of the dangers, he’s doing it away from your baby, I think put the busted note on the pack and don’t take it as a slight on your relationship

Raspberry88 · 08/04/2019 07:02

That is really really appalling band abusive, to lock your husband out of his own home, because he smoked? Yes he liked, but it's hardly surprising if this is how you treat him. He is probably afraid of you.

Yep, sounds like it. I think this is shocking. You obviously have no idea how addiction works and how difficult it is to stop smoking completely. Lying is not the same as locking your partner in the garden. I also used to smoke and if I'm on a night out will have a couple and also don't tell DH because he hates smoking. I'm an adult so I'm allowed to make decisions for myself and I don't have to justify my every move to him.