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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

389 replies

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:37

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

OP posts:
Hepzibar · 08/04/2019 07:40

"These people don't sound very nice if they have to have their phones taken away so they aren't abusive" Supercuts - do you know any teenagers? They often aren't very nice. OP has explained perfectly what would likely to happen. All over social media in 5 minutes, lots of falling out, embarrassment and school/college dealing with a bullying incident. All over what seemed like a laugh on Saturday night.

OP it all sounds spot on to me. I'd be very happy with my teen going. And furthermore, I'd be ecstatic if some of the teenagers I teach went to parties like this.

For those of you slating the no phones rule, I have been involved with a case which involved social services because 2 teens thought it funny to film themselves at a party. No so funny when you are sat in a meeting of middle aged people discussing what you did. Squirming doesn't quite cover it.

Boredisboring · 08/04/2019 08:40

I'm not saying that all teenagers are devious cheats, but they do tend to view rules as a challenge.

I would not be surprised by people bringing two phones and alcohol being smuggled into the house. A friend of mine had a party for her teen and found bottles of vodka in the toilet cystern that had been deposited a day in advance. If your crowd can be trusted to follow the rules, then they can probably be trusted without rules.

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 08:44

The OP isn't asking if the rules are reasonable. She's clearly well versed, and has successfully operated these rules in the past.

HotpotLawyer · 08/04/2019 09:15

My 17 year old is off travelling in a mixed sex group after A levels.

They have researched, planned, saved, booked and paid for a complicated 3 week itinerary, sorted insurance, burocracy etc.

Like any parent of teens growing g their independence I have my worries, but I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to it if they needed that level of supervision got a simple party and sleepover.

lyralalala · 08/04/2019 09:26

If it was all 17yos then I may have a similar mindset Hotpot However some of them are only 15, one only just.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 08/04/2019 09:26

OP YANBU.

Roussillon849 said exactly what I wanted to say so I'll paste it below:

OP, I don't know what I admire most: your set of clearly well thought out, comprehensive, coherent, contemporary rules (I am making notes for future reference) or your seemingly endless patience in dealing with some of the people on this thread. Some of the sheer stupidity I am seeing posted again and again beggars belief.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/04/2019 09:45

My size 18 body can’t handle 3-4 cans certainly not skinny fresh livered UNDER AGED teens

SoupDragon · 08/04/2019 10:02

They are not underaged for drinking alcohol, just buying it. Do people really still not understand this?

Anyway, I could drink loads more when I was younger than I can now.

PinkBlueStripes · 08/04/2019 13:20

fresh livered

Grin
Gottalovesummer · 08/04/2019 13:57

This is indeed a depressing thread. Mainly because those that don't agree with under age drinking are branded stupid.

What's the point in sorting you're just going to be rude and offensive to anyone who doesn't agree with you?

Gottalovesummer · 08/04/2019 13:58

*what's the point in posting if you're just going to be rude

SoupDragon · 08/04/2019 15:34

Mainly because those that don't agree with under age drinking are branded stupid.

Don't worry, all the children are over 5 so no one is under age.

PinkBlueStripes · 08/04/2019 15:55

I wasn't intending to be rude at all, I had never heard of the phrase fresh livered. It's brilliant. I have no opinion either way, or rather think everyone is entitled to their opinions. No offence meant and sorry if it came across disrespectfully.
Leaving now.

Supercuts · 08/04/2019 16:02

Who are the people that won’t come to your house OP? What are they like?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/04/2019 16:24

pinkbluestripes
I took your Smile as it was intended no offence taken from me at all Smile

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/04/2019 16:27

Genuinely surprised at teenagers wanting to drink thought they were all vegan yogis wanting protein smoothies to put on their insta stories these days !
I’ve got s lot to look forward too 😩

cottagepieindustry · 08/04/2019 16:39

Nofunkingworriesmate Some are. I think it depends on the family and the area where they are living.

Lolwhat · 08/04/2019 17:04

Don’t agree with the no phones rule, make it no phone calls or FaceTime ect but I don’t understand why they’re not allowed, you don’t pay their contact🤷🏼‍♀️ But I agree about the drinks to a degree, not sure they should be drinking

Gottalovesummer · 08/04/2019 17:57

pinkbluestripes I didn't mean at all that you were rude (and you weren't)

Just happened my post was under yours. I hadn't even read yours when I wrote mine x

lyralalala · 08/04/2019 17:59

What's the point in sorting you're just going to be rude and offensive to anyone who doesn't agree with you?

I haven’t been rude to anyone. Not even those that were rude to me.

Genuinely surprised at teenagers wanting to drink thought they were all vegan yogis wanting protein smoothies to put on their insta stories these days !
I’ve got s lot to look forward too

They don’t all drink, but it’s not that much difference to when I was a teen I’ve found. I’ve got 4 teens in the house and of their friends and them I’d say there’s a good mix of those that drink and those that don’t touch a drop. There are still some in the “drink to get hammered” mindset as well. Teens haven’t really changed much I don’t think, just the surroundings have changed.

OP posts:
Vgbeat · 08/04/2019 18:01

I think it's fair your house your rules and I think a very sensible approach to alcohol. We had similar rules as teenagers we were allowed a small drink at special occasions and a couple as teenagers with friends and I have always had a really good attitude to alcohol, I didn't get silly as a teenager and could count on one hand how many times I've been drunk as an adult and I'm 38. I plan to have similar with my daughter but currently age 8 she thinks all alcohol is dirty beer 😂

EllenMP · 08/04/2019 18:09

First of all, I have a very mature son of 15 whom I would not allow to go to a party where people were drinking 3-4 drinks each. So I do not think your rules are too draconian at all, and the other mum is being ridiculous. I also think you are right about no phones in the sleeping area, though I think you will have to take them into your room with you to enforce that. But what is this about a "mixed sleeping area?" Surely you are not letting boys come to this party too?

I applaud you for being very clear about the rules and boundaries for your children's guests, and giving other parents the opportunity to choose whether or not to let their child go and to explain to their child (if they are going) exactly what is expected of them. Very sensible, though I would not be letting mine go. I don't hold with letting underage teenagers drink, personally,

Isadora2007 · 08/04/2019 18:11

As a parent of one post-teen and one late teen (and two under teens!) I applaud your approach and yanbu at all- not with your rules and not with your annoyance about the parents. But hey, at least this thread has proven you have the patience of a bloody saint as so many people are clearly incapable of reading the actual thread and just keep saying “why no phones”!?!? “Why are children drinking?!?!?” Etc etc etc.
My son had a sleepover for his 12th birthday with two girls and his friend who was male. There wasn’t anything sexual between them- they were friends. It sounds like the OP knows both her own kids and these teens too- so has a good idea of what they’re like. She isn’t opening her house up to random teens FFS

Hope your twins have a fab party OP.

Isadora2007 · 08/04/2019 18:12

Seriously- do people really think that not allowing teens to have a mixed sleeping area will prevent sex from happening if it was going to? Fucksake. I had sex at a Christian sponsored sleepover in a church when I was in my teens.

Romax · 08/04/2019 18:13

The mixed sex sleeping together at those ages - honestly recipe for disaster

What about making it that the boys have to go home. Stay late, sure, but only girls for the sleepover

They may not admit it, but I reckon the girls would be thankful