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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

389 replies

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:37

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

OP posts:
Roussillon849 · 07/04/2019 22:42

OP, I don't know what I admire most: your set of clearly well thought out, comprehensive, coherent, contemporary rules (I am making notes for future reference) or your seemingly endless patience in dealing with some of the people on this thread. Some of the sheer stupidity I am seeing posted again and again beggars belief.

I am curious about how you deal with the parents who try to flaunt the rules, and how they respond - that was, after all, the actual point of your post. Also, how do you set out the rules? Do you put them down in writing and send them on a message to every parent?

Original poster
lyralalala · 07/04/2019 22:48

I am curious about how you deal with the parents who try to flaunt the rules, and how they respond - that was, after all, the actual point of your post. Also, how do you set out the rules? Do you put them down in writing and send them on a message to every parent?

I talk to all the parents checking they are allowed to stay and if they are allowed to drink. Usually do it in person at drop off of one of the actitivites or school (a few have younger kids at same school as my youngers) or give them a ring.

Both rule flouters text me so I just text back saying that all phones have to stay in the kitchen after midnight, that it wouldn't be fair to change the rules for one (and would make rules pointless) so she can let me know if her DD is still staying or leaving at midnight.
The spirits one I just said I'm still not prepared to allow a bottle of coke with vodka in as it's too easy to have more than we adults realise or to share it round. Again just said to let me know if her child was coming or not. I may text her about the pre mixed cans once I look into them.

OP posts:
Gottalovesummer · 07/04/2019 22:49

Roussilon Ah! That must be our stupidity in thinking it's not acceptable for our teenagers to be drinking so much alcohol.

Original poster
lyralalala · 07/04/2019 22:52

Gottalovessummer If your child was attending and they weren't allowed to drink then they wouldn't be allowed to drink. If you were happy for them to have 1 then they'd have 1. The only reason I have a 3/4 limit is because the first time I ever allowed alcohol with DS1 I was expecting them to come with 1 or 2, but four kids turned up with 6-8 cans each, which for me was too much. I allow them a drink, not to get hammered drunk. So the 3/4 thing is a maximum.

OP posts:
Roussillon849 · 07/04/2019 23:01

Understood, thank you.

You know, OP, at this point in the proceedings I could have written your last post for you. They're really not rocket science, your rules, are they?

I hope your girls have a great party. Smile

Original poster
lyralalala · 07/04/2019 23:06

Understood, thank you.

You're welcome.
I never trust text for the yes/no part. I've never had an issue, but I know a Mum who was caught out arranging things by text and she allowed someone to drink and it turned out it wasn't her parent texting. It caused a huge fall out between the parents so I'm always careful to speak to the parents!

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 07/04/2019 23:10

Your alcohol rules about which alcohols aren’t logical though.

There’s more alcohol in 330ml of lager, beer or cider than in a single serve bottle of Smirnoff ice or alcopop...

Acis · 07/04/2019 23:14

I'm laughing at what sounds like the most complicated sleepover in the world.

Hardly. It's pretty straightforward - if they want to sleep over follow OP's rules. If they don't want to follow the rules, they don't sleep over.

Doorway · 07/04/2019 23:14

So try hard Hmm

Hersheys · 07/04/2019 23:18

Definitely weird village people all round

Original poster
lyralalala · 07/04/2019 23:19

Your alcohol rules about which alcohols aren’t logical though.

There’s more alcohol in 330ml of lager, beer or cider than in a single serve bottle of Smirnoff ice or alcopop...

The other single servings are something I will look into. At the time we made the can/bottle rule it was to stop big bottles of cheap cider so that is something I'll have to rethink.

OP posts:
Supercuts · 07/04/2019 23:21

This reply has been deleted

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redastherose · 07/04/2019 23:46

OP your rules sound perfectly sensible tbh. Not quite sure why you get all these hysterical pp's on MN! Those parents who thinks sensible supervised drinking is worse than banning it completely and getting all hysterical about it are the ones who will end up having DC's who sneak out or take any opportunity to drink because it's been forbidden.

I absolutely agree about the phones rule too. A sensible precaution and only someone who hasn't got teenagers (or is naive enough to think their little darling can be trusted) would think it's an issue.

In answer to your actual question, yes parents who think they can dictate what goes on in someone else's house are beyond infuriating. Especially as you said they'd be the least likely to bother with the inconvenience that these sort of parties inevitably brings. I've had it several times over the years and have overseen many a large sleepover group party (my record was 11).

Also, I would like to say that my own parents and my friends parents had a very similar sensible approach to yours when we were teenagers and there was a group of us who all had various house parties with limited alcohol available and there was never any trouble (and there were usually between 12 - 15 of us). I did the same with my eldest (now mid 20's) and she's always been sensible and doesn't actually drink much at all and definitely doesn't like getting drunk.

GunpowderGelatine · 07/04/2019 23:47

YANBU about the Sri k (those I'm in my late 30's and 4 cans of beer would get me pissed it's far too much for a 15yo) but think the phone rule for almost adults is ridiculous and controlling. Don't see what it is to you if they keep their phones on them!

GunpowderGelatine · 07/04/2019 23:47

*drink

Supercuts · 07/04/2019 23:49

GunpowderGelatine OP said something about them posting nasty stuff not realising they could do that at anytime, not just after midnight.

It’s weird the no phones after midnight thing!

Original poster
lyralalala · 07/04/2019 23:56

Don't see what it is to you if they keep their phones on them!

As I said earlier I, and a couple of other parents, would rather there wasn't phones (camera and snapchat mainly) in the room when some folks may be sleeping. A video of someone snoring or drooling in their sleep (or chatting about the boy/girl they like once it's a smaller group) might seem funny on a friday night, but not so much by Tuesday afternoon at school.

They have full access to their phones whenever they want. They're just not allowed in the room they'll be bedding down in.

OP posts:
Supercuts · 08/04/2019 00:03

These people don’t sound very nice if they have to have their phones taken away so they aren’t abusive Confused

PandaPolarBear · 08/04/2019 00:13

There's a thread on here this weekend about a sleepover where two of the boys attending had their faces drawn on with sharpie markers while they were asleep, and were upset about it when they woke... the no phones rule is very sensible given the potential for similar things happening and for it then to be spread around schools via social media.

Presumably the older teens attending understand that since there is a range of ages that it's one rule for all to keep things fair and don't have a problem with leaving their phones in the kitchen... or they wouldn't be agreeing to attend in the first place!

YADNBU to be irritated at the parents who think that your house rules can be ignored.

Out of interest, if vodka-girl arrives with a pre-mixed bottle of vodka and coke (2L opened with vodka added, not single serving untouched can) would you just take the booze off her, or would she not be allowed in at all?

Supercuts · 08/04/2019 00:36

PandaPolarBear

Grin The sharpie will still be there in the morning when the phones are returned! Having them confiscated at the time of the sharpie writing would only mean you didn’t have proof of the culprits if people took video of it happening!

Are there phones to be kept for a day or two until the sharpie wears off? What about everyone else who’ll take pictures of them on their way home? Do those phones have to be confiscated too?!

Lol!

PandaPolarBear · 08/04/2019 00:54

Yes, the sharpie is still there in the morning when the phones are returned... but the 'victims' are also awake and able to either laugh it off and choose to take part in social media making fun of themselves, or avoid/ask for no photographs. If they're awake they have a choice.

Photographing/videoing sleeping people (with or without pen on their faces) and sharing on social media is a complete dickhead move.

Taking phones off teens when they are in a big group and some are sleeping is just preventing them from being dickheads... either on purpose because they're picking on someone, or (more likely) accidentally because they get a bit carried away and don't properly think through the consequences of what they're doing.

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 05:40

Wow - this thread is infuriating!! And it's really not because of the OP!

lyra - YANBU. But many people on this thread sure are.

If you or your DC don't want to put your phone in the kitchen at midnight (fantastic rule), then you/they go home at midnight. It's pretty simple.

If you don't want your DC at a sleep over where alcohol will be being consumed - don't send them.

I would far more trust my teen with the OP than many people on this thread.

GnomeDePlume · 08/04/2019 06:09

OP I think your approach to drinking is a sensible one. The boy at DD's party who ended up in an ambulance had zero tolerance parents. The first opprtunity he had he went overboard with no idea of how much alcohol would affect him.

Premixed/beer/cider has the advantage of volume and fizz as a natural control.

sofato5miles · 08/04/2019 07:20

Defo phones in the kitchen. We have that rule in our house for all of our family, anyway.

OP you sound great. Like your rules and your balanced approach.

UnicornPug · 08/04/2019 07:30

To answer your AIBU I think the other parents have no right to change your house rules to suit them. In my house we use booster seats until y6 (and longer if you are smaller than the limit). The amount of parents who’ve said ‘oh, he won’t sit on that booster!’ Like it’s their choice? You want to come in my car, you follow my rules (and the law for that matter).

I think your rules are clear, well thought out, and sensible. I try very hard NOT to host sleepovers but if I’ll be copying your rules if and when I need to!