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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

389 replies

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:37

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 08/04/2019 19:44

I'm another going to say well done. It sounds like you have created an environment that allows a big teen party to happen in a way that parents can feel happy allowing their children to attend with greatly reduced worry about the "what ifs". Last summer my then 15 yr old was telling me about a party friends had been pressurising her to agree to attend in the holidays, that she had ended up turning down before she even asked me about it. If she were on your invites list I'd be reassured to be expected to talk with you about it, and understand the degree of hands-off supervision you sound to be providing.

Because your community knows that you won't take any nonsense, things aren't likely to go wrong. Clear boundaries are so much the key to allowing teens to grow up. Hope the party goes really well.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/04/2019 19:45

"Also- you can drink beer or cider but not vodka? What's the difference? "

I completely understand the difference between beer/cider and vodka. Spirits are much stronger. But why is wine not allowed? Wine is normally in the same category as beer and cider?

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 19:47

What?! Wine is considerably stronger than beer and cider.

And besides - how would you measure it out. A bottle per teen is clearly too much.

The OP is trying to let them have some sense of being allowed to try grown up things (alcohol), while putting firm boundaries and limits in place.

Why do people insist on trying to confuse things?

JemSynergy · 08/04/2019 19:47

Fine about the drink but I don't agree with your mobile phone rule. They are 15-17 not 9.

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 19:48

The phones are not confiscated @JemSynergy. RTFT.

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 19:48

@YemenRoadYemen still doesn’t make it ok.

@Bunsygirl you know as well as I do that that law is a load of shite, unless of course you would allow your 5yo to drink 4 cans of beer?

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 19:50

Given that it's legal, it's perfectly OK.

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 19:51

@YemenRoadYemen it’s also legal for a 5 year old to drink. But I can’t see you condoning that?

GimmeChocolateNow · 08/04/2019 19:53

FFS, this is not about her rules! Her AIBU was about parents expecting to override her rules. It doesn't matter what the rules are, it really doesn't. Especially when they're not illegal. She has options if parents / "children" want to opt out of any part.

So in answer to the AIBU, no YANBU. Your house, your rules.

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 19:53

No, so I wouldn't send my 5YO to the party. As a parent of a 15/16/17, it would be up to me to decide if I thought it was appropriate, and then say 'yes' or 'no'.

I have no problem with a 16 or 17 YO have 1 or 2 beers/ciders.

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 19:56

The rule itself is really not the point of the thread.

You're not going to change the OP's mind on the rules, given she's done this before and they work.

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 19:57

@YemenRoadYemen that was not what my post was about. My shock is that any mother would allow this to happen under their own roof. That I don’t agree with.

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 19:57

Answer to OP, if it really bothers you that much is my house my rules.

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 20:04

@YemenRoadYemen tbh you’re prob right. I think I’m linking it too much to my own personal experiences.
Growing up from 14+ I used to go to small get together as with friends at their house. Parents used to allow alcohol, weed & cocaine. Even though I participated I didn’t agree with it at the time and thought it was poor parenting. I felt my home was stable and theirs wasn’t.
OP’s party doesn’t sound like this and I was clouded by my own experiences.

BunsyGirl · 08/04/2019 20:05

Witchtower, you’re being ridiculous. We’re not talking about five year olds. We’re talking about teenagers, some of whom are old enough to get married, drive etc..but they can’t have three cans of bloody beer!

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 20:09

@BunsyGirl come on. Your argument is that it is legal but so is a 5yo drinking 4 cans of lager. Although I’ve been unfair on my opinion of OP’s situation I still think that law is shite, same as eating a mince pie on Christmas Day is illegal.

Mermaid67 · 08/04/2019 20:12

I'm extremely surprised that so many people are criticising OP for the' no phones in sleeping area' rule. They may be 16+ and 'in the eyes of the law' nearly adults but many are far from grown up and camera phones+social media is risky. If OP has this house rule, it should be respected, I think she is being very sensible.

HappyLife21 · 08/04/2019 20:14

4 CANS IS THE MAXIMUM NOT THE MINIMUM!!!!! READ THE FUCKING THREAD!

manicmij · 08/04/2019 20:14

3 or 4 cans/bottles of no doubt 5% for the ages you mentioned is ridiculous. Why do they need any alcohol at all? Do they go out drinking, no wonder we have a teenage alcohol problem in the UK with adults permitting and probably paying for it for them. Your house, your rules though.

TheOriginalNutty · 08/04/2019 20:15

It is your house, so totally up to you what you do, but personally I think it's odd.

You say you know and trust the boys enough that nothing sexual will go on, yet you don't trust them to not have their phones and one of you is going to stay up all night ! Either you trust them or you don't.
My teens and no others that I know of, would attend if they had to give up their phone, and I don't blame them.

Wrt the alcohol, i'd say 3 max, or two if it's spirits.

MadameButterface · 08/04/2019 20:17

this thread is hilarious

to answer the question the op actually asked, yes, the parents trying to bend the rules are being unreasonable, and I think it's really good how you maintained boundaries.

but who even cares about that when there are such spicy peripheral details for everyone to start shitting their ears off about huh

leafy22 · 08/04/2019 20:18

Sounds reasonable to me! 👍🏻👍🏻

1633tonow · 08/04/2019 20:31

What does “shitting their ears off” mean?!

YemenRoadYemen · 08/04/2019 20:33

TheOriginalNutty - RTFT!!!

Their phones are not confiscated!! They have full access to their phones 24/7, if they need them!

They just can't bring them into the sleeping room.

Witch - totally get where you're coming from, now you've explained it. I do think it would feel much better about my teen being at the OP's where they're given some leniency, but there are steadfast boundaries in place.

Fowles94 · 08/04/2019 20:39

Sounds very good to me and the phone part is a really good idea. I hope they all enjoy their night.

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