Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've tried forbidding your teens from dating

105 replies

RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 08:13

Bear with me Grin

DD is 14 and in year 9. A few of her friends are "dating" boys, though this doesn't seem to involve going on actual dates - just chatting on SM and referring to each other as my bf or my gf Smile

But a couple of them are doing "proper courting" as my nan would say. And her Yr 10 friend stays over at her bf's most weekends.

It just seems too much, too young. I want DD to concentrate on her studies and her sport and enjoy friendships with both sexes rather than risk the emotional turmoil of teen romance before GCSEs.

What do you think?

OP posts:
MiniEggAddiction · 07/04/2019 08:16

Your best bet is to build a good relationship with her so she pays attention to your advice. Of course you can ban her from staying over at her boyfriend's house butif she wants a boyfriend she'll probably have one and just not tell you about it.

ittakes2 · 07/04/2019 08:18

I think its a bad idea as she may go behind your back and make herself more vulnerable. My grandparents banned my mum - she snuck out and got pregnant the first time she had sex with my dad.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 08:20

Forbidding is a bad idea.

Having rules, like no sleepovers, is fair enough.

My mum tried banning me from having a boyfriend. It didnt work and because of this sort of thing, I dont ever open up to her or tell her anything.

Original poster
RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 08:20

I've got an excellent relationship with DD. I'm not asking for advice, just interested in parents' attitude to teens and dating.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 07/04/2019 08:21

Very bad idea. Remember being a teen and having the rush of emotion when you meet a boy you like? You can't just turn it off because your mother has "forbidden you". By doing that you will be encouraging sneaking around behind your back. Why not talk openly about it and discuss how having a relationship doesn't mean the rest of your life is ignored? Teach her how to keep a proper perspective on things.

Happyspud · 07/04/2019 08:21

I think some kids just tend to get involved in relationships and some don’t. My sister (studious, kind, sporty) always had a ‘boyfriend’ from about 14, as did my best friend. Always some romantic drama going on😂 Both turned out great and successful people. The problem is not the ones who like the excitement of dating its the ones who get serious around 18 and tie themselves to some other kid.

TapasForTwo · 07/04/2019 08:21

Good luck with that.

DD started being friends with boys from 13. She had her first boyfriend at 14. It has never held her back academically. She has 10 excellent GCSEs and achieved AAA at A level last year.

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/04/2019 08:22

Her friend in year 10 spends the night at her boyfriend's house?

I'm clutching my pearls.

It's perfectly normal for a 14 year old girl to be interested in boys and I wouldn't clamp down on activities you describe at all, or meeting up in groups. It's great fun, I still remember it!

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 08:23

Not sure “forbidding” anything is a good idea, frankly. Surely it just encourages secrecy and lies? I want my children to be able to come to me if they get into problems.

Happyspud · 07/04/2019 08:24

I think I’d let them get on with it but treat it as a bit of fun and probably even tease them a bit to take the seriousness of it. If any of my kids started asking for sleepovers I’d be regulating that for sure.

SleepingSloth · 07/04/2019 08:28

There's absolutely no point in forbidding it. They will find a way if they want to and just be sneaky and hide things if you try to stop them.

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/04/2019 08:28

I think I’d let them get on with it but treat it as a bit of fun and probably even tease them a bit to take the seriousness of it.

Sorry, but this is terrible advice. Do not tease teenagers about their romantic lives. That is a surefire way to alienate them, they're human beings with real feelings!

Rainatnight · 07/04/2019 08:29

Please don't be that Mum.

implantsandaDyson · 07/04/2019 08:30

My eldest is around the same age. I haven't built up having the odd snog with a boy into being anything special. She would ask if I kissed a boy at her age, had a boyfriend etc.
It's all very solemn and almost spoken about in awed whispers among some of her friends - there also seems to be a lot of planning about who you see or "meet" Hmm. Mine was affronted when I mentioned fancying a boy and having a snog during the slow songs at a disco.
Talking to her friends about boys or going out with a boy from her class certainly hasn't stopped her seeing friends, playing her sport or working hard at school.

BitOfFun · 07/04/2019 08:32

I agree with the advice not to "forbid", but to keep the channels of communication open. Of course it's ridiculous to countenance sleepovers in Year 10! It's all about balance.

couchparsnip · 07/04/2019 08:33

DS 13 has a girlfriend and I'd rather know about it than have him see her secretly because he thinks he's banned from dating.

He's top of his year so it doesn't seem to have affected his studies.
There just needs to be rules.

ThisIsTheEndgame · 07/04/2019 08:34

Historically, that's always worked well. Like for Romeo and Juliet's parents.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 07/04/2019 08:34

It's a bad idea and she will always keep things from you. Give her some freedom. I had my first boyfriend at 15 and we were together 6 months. We had sex as we felt ready and I trusted him and were sensible and used protection.
You can give advice to her and encourage her not to have sex as much as possible but if it's going to happen it will and you can't ban her.

Amongstthetallgrass · 07/04/2019 08:35

I got banned from seeing my bf and I went behind their back and was pregnant at 15. I had a really shit relationship with my parents so went looking for attention else were.

You have to really invest your self with your dd at this age. Discuss how relationships at this age can be complicated especially in a school setting. Discuss how important her school work and future are. Discuss how situations can impact her reputation and how quickly feelings can change. Talk about how quickly doors close in your future if you get pregnant - which happens by accident all the time. Talk about how girls get thrown under the bus when a boy changes his mind and quickly find some one new leaving the original girl left with a bad name

No way would I ever let any of my girls at that age sleep at their bf house. I’ve lived through being a teenage age mum and would never ever want my girls to go through that.

Ragwort · 07/04/2019 08:36

I didn’t forbid dating but I never encouraged it & wouldn’t have permitted sleepovers ... I am now breathing a sigh of relief as my DS has got his first girlfriend (that I know of Wink) & they are both aged 18 & seem very sensible about balancing dating with studying.

I remember, to my shame, what I was like from age 15 Blush. I did waste for too much time dating, neglected my studies & ended up with very mediocre grades.

Original poster
RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 08:38

Please don't be that Mum

Oh give over!

DD and I will carry on being close and discussing everything She won't be having sleepovers with a boyfriend in yr 9,10 or 11 though. Like I say, not looking for advice - just a Sunday morning chat.

OP posts:
Rezie · 07/04/2019 08:39

I think I'd d9 the same as my brother and SIL with my nephew. He was 14yo when he and his gf started dating. They don't encourage or discourage it. They don't invite the gf to family things Or holidays. There are no sleepovers. They will drive him to her house 1-2 week. If he wants to see.her more then he has to sort himself (similar with other friends). Banning never helps, but I work with a lot of young people and for most normal teenagers there is no really drama that would effect anything.

HappyPunky · 07/04/2019 08:39

On the other side I was forbidden from dating and I barely involve my mum in my personal life now.

Silvercatowner · 07/04/2019 08:40

Teasing them about it is possibly even worse than forbidding them.

SparkleJoy · 07/04/2019 08:42

I was 15 when I started dating my fiancé. Although my parents didn't agree they didn't ever ban me from seeing him. I passed all my GCSE's and 10 years later happily living in our own home with 9month old.
I'm now training to be a midwife after a career choice change.
Not all relationships at young age end in disaster or mean failing but ultimately it's what you are comfortable with as a parent . Try keep it open and honest with her🙂