To ask if you've tried forbidding your teens from dating

[RemoaningMyrtle]

Bear with me

DD is 14 and in year 9. A few of her friends are "dating" boys, though this doesn't seem to involve going on actual dates - just chatting on SM and referring to each other as my bf or my gf

But a couple of them are doing "proper courting" as my nan would say. And her Yr 10 friend stays over at her bf's most weekends.

It just seems too much, too young. I want DD to concentrate on her studies and her sport and enjoy friendships with both sexes rather than risk the emotional turmoil of teen romance before GCSEs.

What do you think?

How do you know? Do you have a crystal ball?

What good would a crystal ball be? I put my faith in the foundation of love, mutual trust and respect that we've built over the past 14 years

I have three teens, our DDs are 18 and 15 (16 next month). We haven’t banned them from dating or relationships, however their school is so demanding in a “work hard, play hard” sense that not many of their friends are in relationships as they have so much studying to do plus two hours of sport a day. Our eldest is in a number of leadership roles at school, has been driving for over a year and just got into her first choice uni so she has plenty of freedom and is also very busy.

I of course don’t know for sure but I get the impression she hasn’t been in a serious relationship yet, same for DD2. DD1 has a close group of male and female friends and they all are concerned about a couple that they don’t think have a healthy relationship (the girl is very controlling). We talk about what a healthy and unhealthy relationship is with our teens quite a lot, so we do discuss relationships. I respect them and their privacy.

They just went to a big live concert of a world music star tonight so they have plenty of freedom and seem to be taking their time with relationships.

I’m hoping that’s the way Ida. I give mine a lot of freedom, but they have boundaries (curfews, being picked up if it’s late, need to be contactable - that kind of thing). I’m going we’ve nurtured mutual respect, good self-esteem, and enough of a sense of home being their place.

Of course, they are individuals with free will. We can only cross our fingers and hope.

In my experience the parents that ban normal teen activities just set themselves up for a world of hassles.

We have 3 teens so far - DS18 and twin DDs 16. My nephew also lives hwere and he's also 18.

Where we live there was a huge problem with kids getting high on legal highs in the park (next to the river which was just full of issues) when DS was 12/13. We went down the road of being the hang out house which means as a result I know more about the love lives of more teens that I ever needed to know, particularly the few who simply can't talk to the adults in their homes.

DS's girlfriend stays over occasionally, as does DN's boyfriend. One of my DD's has had a boyfriend for 6 months, but he doesn't spend a huge amount of time in our house (bless him he's an only child of only children - I have 6 kids, plus DN, so he finds our house a bit much).

I'm currently havng an issue at the moment with the Mum of one of DD's friends. She feels her DD talks to me too much over her mum, but (and I've witnessed this when I had to take the girl home to talk to her about something important) she just doesn't listen to her DD. That's the only reason the kids talk to me. Mostly I'm just listening as they let out what they are thinking and decide for themselves what to do.

I don't always agree with what my teens do, but I think that's pretty normal.

We never banned it but educated them to know it wasn't a good idea when they were still at school working towards their future.
my motto was/is there's plenty of time for that when you are older.
It seems to have worked.
I agree banning doesn't work, they just rebel then and want to do it.
I do think it's brilliant if communication is open and your child can tell you anything. I don't think they do tell you it all but if they know they can come to you and tell you anything puts your mind at rest as a parent.

What good would a crystal ball be? I put my faith in the foundation of love, mutual trust and respect that we've built over the past 14 years

And you think parents with teens who date young or have underage sex don’t have love, trust and respect for their children? You need to open your mind to the possibility that sometimes it’s not enough.

My DD is 18, and has been in a relationship for over a year. She has MH issues as a result of being with my ex, and her BF has helped enormously in helping her gain stability and confidence.

The BF also has MH issues, he's a lovely lad but is stressed with college at present, so I think the relationship has gently moved to the friend zone for now as he concentrates on college and his own MH.

They've been wise enough to communicate well after a few hiccups, and whatever happens in future, this relationship will end amicably with both of them having learned good positive stuff about relationships. It was a first relationship for both, and I wish him well. DD has had me using my experiences with ex to warn her about red flags, and she's listened (she knows her dad well enough to understand my examples).

Mind you, if he opts for the nearest Uni, I foresee the relationship rekindling, at least for a while.

For me, I see teen dating as a time of experimenting, and I wouldn't ban dating because the teens can learn a lot that they can take into their adult relationships if handled sensitively. Yes, I had boundaries, and DD is on bc (actually this is long term stuff as an initial way of dealing with endometriosis, so she was on it before BF came along). And she trusts me. That's priceless to me.

Where it all goes pear-shaped is when they meet the bf/gf with the Cool Parents. These are the ones that don't mind/encourage kids sleeping together "they will anyway, so what's the point in trying to stop them".

We all know they likely will, we were kids once, what we are trying to discourage us too much too fast too young. But with these parents in the picture, if your house is a no same room until 16/18 you're cast in the role of Uptight Parent to be fought against/kidded around with.

Cool Parents can fuck right off.

I had boyfriends at this age. We kissed and held hands.
If my parents had banned me having a bf I would have continued seeing my bf at school and sneaking behind their back. That would have made me vulnerable. Your DD needs to be able to talk to you if they have any concerns about their relationships.

I also think a learned a lot from having bfs when at school.

Very open minded here. That said, my son in Y11 has been with his girlfriend for 2 years so not a succession of different girls coming and going. I love her to bits. They are sexually active and I accept it and know that they are sensible.

Cool Parents can fuck right off.

Yes, I have sort of dealt with this with my 16 year old's friends' parents who seem to be all cut out of the same super-cool Islington/Primrose Hill cloth.

It's not fun being the un-cool parent in a sea of cool parents.

The thing is, the people my age who had cool parents that allowed them to drink, have sex and the rest, particularly the girls, got pregnant as soon as they left school and tbh, never really grown out of the whole getting drunk, partying, and have aging mother's/now grandmother's still trying to be the cool mum. Pathetic. I'd rather be 'that mum' than the desperate for approval 'cool mum'.

And if you think being a cool mum protects you from having secrets with your DC, you're deluded. You probably see a whole lot and pretend not to be shocked, and theres a whole lot more you don't see, no way is a teen gonna share everything with middle aged nobodies however cool they may think they are.

I'm on my 3rd teen. Best advice I have is to be nurturing and to keep the lines of communication open.

Don't fool yourself, she will date at school if she likes the boy, and you just won't know....

Just think what you and your friends did in your time.

All the girls I know who got pregnant at 15 either had very strict parents, or came from chaotic families.
I was having sex at 16 with a steady boyfriend.

I was pregnant at 15 and has very relaxed parents. I’m not catholic either

All the girls I know who got pregnant at 15 either had very strict parents, or came from chaotic families.

I am an Irish catholic. Come from a strict family. I went to a strict catholic school. With 300 pupils per year. I dint know one girl who got pregnant at 15. And gossip was rife. We would have found out then or since

Just looked up the facts - copied below. So nothing to do with "cool" parents at all.

Groups who are more vulnerable to becoming teenage parents include young people who are: in or leaving care, homeless, underachieving at school, children of teenage parents, members of some ethnic groups, involved in crime, living in areas with higher social deprivation.
Young women living in socially disadvantaged areas are less likely to opt for an abortion if they get pregnant.

Also the rate of pregnancies in 13-15 year olds is the same today as in 1964. As an older woman I can assure you cool parents in 1964 would have been as rare as hens teeth.

I think if you're going to have underage sex in the back of a car/in a school cupboard then you'd do that regardless of whether or not your parents allowed you to 'date'!

Nope. You do it in those places because your parents have denied you a warm, comfortable, safe place in which to do it. I didn’t want to have sex in the back of a car anymore than you do now, but it was the only available space. Because my parents had a blanket ‘no boys in the house’ rule, even when I was 18+

Ds was 14 and started going out with his gf when she was 13. They are now 18 & 19 and still going strong. He’s just finished his first year at university and she’ll be going in September. Not the same university but about 30min away by train. I have a feeling he won’t be coming home every night!

Just let them be OP. If it’s going to happen it will. Just be be open with them, and let them know they can talk about anything with you. My son discussed losing his virginity before it happened- they’d talked about it, believed they were ready (they were 16&17), had decided on contraception- pill and condom (I caught on the pill and this is what ds was afraid of). They even told me the day after it happened. Which actually sounds so weird writing that down, but it was just a normal conversation at the time.
But the big thing I drilled into both of them was he was never ever to pressure her or anyone into doing anything she doesn’t want, and I told her to never him or let anyone pressurise her into something. Oh and they also got the big talk on how real life sex isn’t like a porn film, which was quite a funny conversation, you don’t realise how much misinformed teenagers can be, even with the internet.
But the reality is I had ds at 19, so I will therefore do everything in my power to prevent either of my sons becoming teen dads. If it happens, 🤷🏻‍♀️Then so be it. But as much I wouldn’t changed my ds for the world, I still went to university etc. I want my sons to enjoy their young adulthood. Travel and see the world. Do what I wasn’t able to do.
So if that means I have to sit and have lots of conversations about sex, contraception, sexual transmitted infections, the porn industry, then so be it!!

Dangly - Do stop projecting! I won't be providing my 14 year old DD with a warm, comfy place to have sex A cool parent I am not! I had crushes on boys at 14 but would have been mortified at the thought of having sex then. Not all teenagers are gagging for it.

So if that means I have to sit and have lots of conversations about sex, contraception, sexual transmitted infections, the porn industry, then so be it!!

Yep - we've already talked about all of that.

Dangly you did it in the back of a car because you wanted too.
Lots of us managed to make out and not go all the way.