To ask if you've tried forbidding your teens from dating

[RemoaningMyrtle]

Bear with me

DD is 14 and in year 9. A few of her friends are "dating" boys, though this doesn't seem to involve going on actual dates - just chatting on SM and referring to each other as my bf or my gf

But a couple of them are doing "proper courting" as my nan would say. And her Yr 10 friend stays over at her bf's most weekends.

It just seems too much, too young. I want DD to concentrate on her studies and her sport and enjoy friendships with both sexes rather than risk the emotional turmoil of teen romance before GCSEs.

What do you think?

www.researchgate.net/publication/222302038_Family_Relationships_and_Adolescent_Pregnancy_Risk_A_Research_Synthesis

Interestingly, the uncool stance of parents disapproval of underage sex does affect teenage pregnancy rate in a positive way. As does a two parent family and warm, caring relationships.

It would also be wrong to assume teenage pregnancy was the worst outcome. I’d certainly rather my daughter had an unintended pregnancy than an STD that resulted in infertility or cervical cancer. Luckily we’ve not had to face teenage pregnancy and hopefully they’ve behaved in a way that promotes sexual health.

I’d also want my children protected from the increase in mental health and poverty problems faced by young parents or an unwanted pregnancy. Sex is an adult activity and child sex shouldn’t normalised.

I think 'forbidding' your teens from anything is asking for trouble.

I am in the USA and the youth culture my kids are part of is very different than the one I grew up with in London. I was going to house parties at 14 and nightclubs twice a week at 16. My mum had died of cancer when I was 13 and my dad was not doing any parenting so I was unsupervised. Luckily my mum had been a good role model, with a full-time job and lots of friends and had always encouraged me at school so I was not tempted to sleep around or take drugs which were of course very accessible.

Here in the states it is more suburban and so until my dd had a driving license wandering the streets aimlessly like we were able to do as young teens was not a option here as there was no whee to go! I find also that smart phones seem to be changing teen culture. Statistically they are finding teens are having less sex and not participating in risky behaviours at the same level as previous generations. I think because they can be as connected as they want with their friends there doesn’t seem to be the urge to get together as much. Also High School over here is very intense so life revolves around school a lot more. There seems to be less dating generally and “getting off” with people i.e. hooking up and snogging and cuddling but not having sex.

My guess is my eldest dd has had encounters at parties like most teens but I don’t think she has had six or is sexually active. If she was serious and in a relationship I think she would tell me, because there would be no need to hide it and she’s much more mature these days. I find over here that not many are dating and in relationships before college, most likely because their schedules are so busy. Any spare time the girls have they use for napping! There are also more formal school dances and group activities and she always has dates for those and is going to Prom next month.

I have also read as someone mentioned up thread that contrary to popular belief teens do listen to their parents and take their advice on sex and relationships. We are happily married (for 22 years) and most people we socialize with are in long term marriages. I think these things help to create a vibe where teens are not as much in a rush.

In my husband’s extended family a teen is pregnant, she is the middle of three girls, and is 17. Her parents divorced when she was about 10 and she seems to have suffered the most. She has had very turbulent teen years, turning up at school drunk and stoned, expelled etc. She and had mum have a very difficult relationship. She just seems very sad and unhappy to me. Her mum got pregnant and married at 19 back in 2000. Her grandma (mum’s mum) was always desperate to be the cool mum and let her mother (the 19 yr old) dominate the household. So I think there are some issues that are generational. I think her mother got married too young and has often wanted to be a peer of her girls and not their parent.

Sorry for typos, had sex not six 😂!

I think that a mix of rules, communication, open talks and trust has helped with my teens. They don't tell me everything but we do discuss everything they tell me. They seem happy for my input most of the time, roll their eyes frequently at others. I tell them that I might not agree with all their decisions but I'll always be there to help if it's needed and I will never turn down a request for help regardless of what they have done.

In return they are respectful, independent boys. They let me know where they are and who with most of the time and they look out for each other. I have no idea if either of them are, or have been, sexually active and they have never asked for anyone significant to stay over, although there are often groups of mixed teenagers staying here.

Even with all this I can only hope that my words stick somewhere in their brains when they are out and about but being busy certainly seems to help. They both have jobs, cars, uni/6th form, sports, friends and, so far at least, we haven't come up against any major problems.