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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've tried forbidding your teens from dating

105 replies

RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 08:13

Bear with me Grin

DD is 14 and in year 9. A few of her friends are "dating" boys, though this doesn't seem to involve going on actual dates - just chatting on SM and referring to each other as my bf or my gf Smile

But a couple of them are doing "proper courting" as my nan would say. And her Yr 10 friend stays over at her bf's most weekends.

It just seems too much, too young. I want DD to concentrate on her studies and her sport and enjoy friendships with both sexes rather than risk the emotional turmoil of teen romance before GCSEs.

What do you think?

OP posts:
CapeDaisy5 · 07/04/2019 09:19

I actually think going to an all girl's school could make the temptation worse ! The allure of the mysterious and attractive boys from the school nearby etc... There was an all girl's school near me, all the girls would try to get out on their lunch breaks to see the boys from another school etc. The boys would hang around outside the girls school when school ended.

Villanellesproudmum · 07/04/2019 09:27

Don’t forgot many at all girls schools also have brothers, fathers, grandparents so the male species is not totally alien to them and have attended primary or prep mixed schools. I went to a mixed school and from my survey of one, the girls spent most of their time trying to impress the boys in class and not spending time on work. Whereas I the girls school they actually work in class as no distractions.

Enko · 07/04/2019 09:28

DD2 age 19 has had the same boyfriend since she was 17. He is a lovely boy and yes they are allowed to stay over at each others houses. Frankly he has supported her in a way I do not think dh or I could have managed. She suffers from anxiety and he has helped her find a way to manage this when out and about and in school due to him being supportive and there with her. This would not have been dh and I could have managed. (we cant stay at school with her) I can only say he has been a supportive influence on her and I don;t think that forbidding her to have him in her life would have done anything. She is studying for A levels at the moment and in Frees they often sit together and support each other to get revision done together with a little group of friends. It is not all one sided either. Dd's wish to get to university has made boyfriend look at what his dreams were he wanted to be an actor but has now expanded on this and has applied for a degree to deal with stage management. his parents are thrilled with this and he was given a unconditional offer.

DS age 17 hasnt currently got a girlfriend however I would never think to tell him " no you cant date anyone " as I don't feel it will gain anything. He has a good attitude to his studies and his work ethics are strong. That is what I would like a girlfriend would not in my experience change that.

DD3 age 15 has had a boyfriend around christmas time and they met up a few times then it slowly fizzled out. Again I saw no reason to push in anywhere they managed it fine.. They did not get to the sleep over part just meets up down town.

dd1 is at uni so nothing I can do for or against her having boyfriends. However none are on the horizon. I suspect she is a " lobster " and will find her one and only one day. :)

All 4 of my children talk to me about their relationships (or lack there of from ds) and I think they feel they can come to me if they need. to me that is worth a lot. I think banning them from boyfriends girlfriends would only fester deceit and likely also pulling down of grades as their energy would need to be focused on how they could next get to see boy/girlfriend and ensure dad/mum didnt know.

Lonecatwithkitten · 07/04/2019 09:31

My 15 year old DD ( at an all girls school) has a boyfriend. They spend time round each other's houses and in together with friends in town.
Last week she asked me if she could go to his on Friday night for a gathering to celebrate the end of term and could she stay in their spare room. His parents would be there the whole time. DP and I discussed this at length we agreed as the BFs parents were there and both DP and I agree that if they want to have sex they will do somewhere.
She is an open and honest girl. All went well. By trusting her I hope to maintain our open relationship.

Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2019 09:49

My dd had a boyfriend at 14 and it just involved them texting, Skyping and occasionally meeting up in town, he came to our house a few times but mainly when dd had other friends over, they were only ever really friends (which is why they eventually decided they will just be friends). I let dd get on with it but I would not agree to her staying over a boys house every weekend.

Langrish · 07/04/2019 09:53

Forbidding, bad idea. Everything is more attractive when it’s illicit. We went further still. Welcome the boyfriend over (when you’re home and not overnight, obviously). Parental approval makes things much more humdrum.

Bankofenglandfiver · 07/04/2019 09:53

How the fuck cherry am I supposed to model a King term relationship when my ex was an utter twat and I did the right thing by leaving?

How very bloody dare you sit there sneering at me and people like me who are doing the best for our kids.

Snob off.

mrsm43s · 07/04/2019 09:54

It is totally age appropriate at 14 in year 9 to start dating. If you try to ban it, she will just hide it from you. Your best bet is to keep the lines of communication open, and she will feel more able to talk to you and make good decisions.

Sleepovers or sex at that age is much less usual, and not on the radar of most 14 year olds.

Bankofenglandfiver · 07/04/2019 09:55

*long

katseyes7 · 07/04/2019 10:08

The more open relationship the better, l think. Forbidding things just leads to secrecy and lies. My eldest stepson was 'courting' from about 15, got 12 GCSE and 6 A levels at top grades, has a Phd and is now studying for another one whilst working full time.

My mother was controlling to the point that when l was 26, and going out with my future husband, when we said we were going to the lakes on holiday, she didn't speak to me for a month, after saying "Well, it doesn't matter what l say, you'll do what you want anyway."
All through my teens she'd say "You don't tell me anything". Hardly surprising, really. She behaved like l was five right up until l got married.

ohtheholidays · 07/04/2019 10:09

No we've never forbidden them from dating.

We've worried about them dating lots of the time,but I think that's normal as a parent,we worry about them getting they're feelings hurt more than anything.

I thought it would be harder watching our DD's date(we have 5DC,3DS's and 2 DD's)but so far it's been alot harder for our poor sons.

Our oldest DS23 has been cheated on(they were dating for over a year and she stayed with us all of the time)and our youngest DS17 was treated really badly by his long term girlfriend,now thankfully ex.

MiniEggAddiction · 07/04/2019 10:16

@Bankofenglandfiver

To be fair I think you've done some excellent modelling for you kids by getting rid of a tatty ex. A kid growing up in a culture where divorce is frowned upon might well end up staying in a miserable relationship to avoid the stigma.

BringOnTheScience · 07/04/2019 10:17

Am I the only parent on MN with not-straight teens?!

Support & openness is even more important when it's complicated. I don't care if they fancy plantpots, so long as they're safe & know that I love them.

Girlicorne · 07/04/2019 10:28

@ThisIsTheEndGame I know, I went to girls school too, I think we were way worse!!

Girlicorne · 07/04/2019 10:30

just to clarify my post was tongue in cheek, I know a girls school won't solve it!

Angelicinnocent · 07/04/2019 10:31

As with so much else, it depends on the child in question. We said no dating before 14 but fine after which I think relieved the pressure without it becoming a whole forbidden thing.

Ds found lurve at 15. It was awful and full of drama but long term he met some very good friends through her and it split him from a couple of friends who were starting on the drugs road around that time so not really complaining. Now with his gf of nearly 2 years and will be looking for their own place when she finishes uni.

Dd watched several friends go through all the drama at 12 and 13, declared she couldn't be arsed with it all. At 17 she met a really nice guy in 6th form and they are both sensible and mature so no drama.

My rules on staying over are no 1 night stands but once over 16, proper relationships (3 months or over) are fine to stay.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 07/04/2019 10:35

My mum thought that I would talk to her about anything, and we are very close now, but her saying no boys staying over meant that at 15 I was leaving early for school to go and have sex with my bf. I think I’d rather that my kids had a safe place to stay, unlike friends of mine who usually ended up in the back of a car.

lljkk · 07/04/2019 10:36

just interested in parents' attitude to teens and dating

DD had a mate whose parents forbade all dating. Naturally the girl went out with a fellow for a while 'in secret' from adults but widely known to mutual friends. "Dating" probably meant knowing looks in class, occasional cuddles on school premises, & smoochy texts she had to instantly delete. She had no other way to see him.

The boy became emotionally manipulative, dangled 'self-harm' threat on her if they broke up. I was maybe only adult who knew about the situation. I contacted school to explain he was at risk & give the girl courage to break up.

They were 13-14yo. I'm still peeved at her parents at being so strict that they put their DD in a mess with (almost) no adults to help her out. Grrrr.

====
DD is approaching 18 now & in 1st serious relationship. She tells me way too much. But that means I can influence her choices, find out about her b/c options, remind both her & the boy about how to balance now with long term priorities, to always be kind to each other, etc.

Langrish · 07/04/2019 10:37

BringOnTheScience

Am I the only parent on MN with not-straight teens?!

Forgive me if I’m being very thick, but what difference does their sexuality make, the age dilemma is the same isn’t it?

FamilyOfAliens · 07/04/2019 10:40

DD and I will carry on being close and discussing everything

How do you know? Do you have a crystal ball?

Original poster
RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 10:49

I think if you're going to have underage sex in the back of a car/in a school cupboard then you'd do that regardless of whether or not your parents allowed you to 'date'!

OP posts:
BringOnTheScience · 07/04/2019 10:51

Langrish It had struck me as I read the thread that all of the posters were describing DDs getting boyfriends and DSs with girlfriends. No LGB examples.

And it is complicated in a different way. They don't risk pregnancy, but being Out is still not always easy.

Original poster
RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 10:53

She suffers from anxiety and he has helped her find a way to manage this when out and about and in school due to him being supportive and there with her

How do you think your DD would cope if the relationship ended? That sounds like an unhealthily dependent relationship me.

OP posts:
EEELA · 07/04/2019 10:54

My parents banned me from having a boyfriend until university. DP and I have been together since 17 and we dated, went on holiday together, had sex and consequent unplanned pregnancy and abortion all before my parents even knew about him. My parents got a shock when at 18 I said "mum/dad/step parents, I'm taking a year or two out from university to live in X country with my boyfriend". I had a boyfriend 14-16 that thy didn't know about either. It's not a route I'll go down with my children.

Langrish · 07/04/2019 11:04

BringontheScience

Makes me sad to read that. I have no personal experience, our 24 year old daughter is straight, our 16 year old son has had no gf/bf yet, but I wouldn’t have expected sexuality to still present difficulties for young people. I’d hoped we’d all moved on.