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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've tried forbidding your teens from dating

105 replies

RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 08:13

Bear with me Grin

DD is 14 and in year 9. A few of her friends are "dating" boys, though this doesn't seem to involve going on actual dates - just chatting on SM and referring to each other as my bf or my gf Smile

But a couple of them are doing "proper courting" as my nan would say. And her Yr 10 friend stays over at her bf's most weekends.

It just seems too much, too young. I want DD to concentrate on her studies and her sport and enjoy friendships with both sexes rather than risk the emotional turmoil of teen romance before GCSEs.

What do you think?

OP posts:
DantesInferno · 07/04/2019 08:46

I've got an excellent relationship with DD. I'm not asking for advice, just interested in parents' attitude to teens and dating.

really?

she tells you everything - of course she does
My DAunt thought that, and thought that when her DD was asking about the effect of drugs on her 'friend' she really was talking about her friend.....

What ever you tell your DC not to do, they will do, with bells on

O4FS · 07/04/2019 08:47

At 14 I think I’d be looking at it as a friendship by another name. There would be no staying over until 16. I hope I’ve done enough to instill values, self-respect, that they know their own minds, and they put some value on the person they are in a relationship with.

After 16 I have no grounds to insist they must not have sex, so resign myself to opening my house up to boyfriends and girlfriends. Better at home than in the park. (Or bunking off Art on a Friday afternoon to go back to bfs house Blush).

DS1 and his gf are 17, and she spends a lot of time here but never stays over. Maybe she isn’t allowed, but she is welcome to.

Chasingsquirrels · 07/04/2019 08:48

No, I wouldn't try to stop them from dating.
I'm not sure how I'd approach it if I considered it to be inappropriate but haven't had that issue.

16yo dc had a couple of crushes, a "my girlfriend" who he never saw out of school in yr 8, a girlfriend who he saw a few times out of school in yr 9 and then a girlfriend who he's been with nearly 2 years now as they are just coming to the end of yr 11.

13yo dc has had a crush, who he brought Easter chocolate for last year but who seems to have faded away.

Villanellesproudmum · 07/04/2019 08:49

My 14 year old has a ‘boyfriend’ she is year 10, he is year 9. He is the oldest in the year and she is the youngest. With luck they live 25 miles apart, rural school large catchment area. It consists of messaging each other, we have had a talk on appropriate behaviour. Seeing each other for 5 minutes before and after school before catching their separate school bus. They have also been to the cinema, I dropped her off and picked her up as did his parents. It was very awkward and they were embarrassed Grin

Sleepovers though, ha, no chance!

UrsulaPandress · 07/04/2019 08:52

Same as Tapas. DD has had a boyfriend since about 14 - not the same one obviously.

Didn't do sleepovers though until in 6th form and then in separate rooms.

Still managed hobbies, a job and good results.

EvaHarknessRose · 07/04/2019 08:52

When they started secondary, I said something like, I wouldn’t worry about boyfriends or dating until at least year x (can’t remember what I said), wait until you are older and wiser and it will be more fun. I am not sure but I think it took the pressure off. I remember my group being all about boys and dating from 12/13 onwards.

stucknoue · 07/04/2019 08:52

Forbidding does not work but a good conversation on appropriate relationships for her age is fine - eg fine to "date" as a group eg 3-4 couples, and once they have been together a bit, nothing wrong with the cinema or Nando's as a couple but no sleepovers until at least 16 and in 6th form, even then we only allowed it with him in the spare room until she was almost 18.

Girlicorne · 07/04/2019 08:54

I m sending my year 6 to an all girls school next year. Problem solved!! ;-)

ThisIsTheEndgame · 07/04/2019 08:55

Girlicorne having been to an all girls school myself - er nope Grin

ILiveInSalemsLot · 07/04/2019 08:56

My niece is 15 and doesn’t date (yet!) her reasoning is ‘why would I want to spend my life crying in the toilets?’ She always seems to be consoling her dating friends and is put off.
As for my dcs, they’re younger. I’ve told them that it’s best to concentrate on their studies and activities while they’re under 18 ( Wink ).

Villanellesproudmum · 07/04/2019 08:56

@Girl my daughter is at an all girls school, her boyfriend attends the all boys school. They met on the school bus!

O4FS · 07/04/2019 08:56

Oh @Girlicorne! If only.

(I went to an all girls school, see my previous post Grin)

O4FS · 07/04/2019 08:57

I do think a lot of the attraction of ‘dating’ in their younger days is about attention and to some extent the drama of it all.

PregnantSea · 07/04/2019 08:59

I would think that completely banning it wouldn't really work - feelings are strong at that age and if two teens think they are in love then banning them from seeing each other sounds like a powerful aphrodisiac!

I understand where you're coming from though because it is a distraction. I suppose you just have to trust that your teens learn to manage their time effectively and understand that their school work is a priority.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/04/2019 09:01

There was a girl (at least 15 IIRC) in a dd's year at school whose mother would smugly tell you that she was far too busy with her activities and school work to be remotely bothered with boys or going out to parties, etc.

Guess who was the one on a camping trip with the boys' school next door, running around yelling, 'Take me! Take me! I'm a virgin!'

(OK, I gather someone had smuggled some booze in....).

mindutopia · 07/04/2019 09:02

No, it seems silly. It’s important for her to start figuring out how to deal with relationships (that goes for all sorts of relationships, not just with boyfriends). That doesn’t mean being foolishly permissive, but give her space to work these things out but also support her in setting boundaries.

For what it’s worth, I had boyfriends from 15 and would sleep over at their houses. I used to stay there for a week or two at a time during school holidays. I turned out just fine. I also didn’t have sex with them (not til I was 18 and in uni with a serious boyfriend). But I did learn really important stuff about asserting myself, setting boundaries and how to navigate the ups and downs that come with romantic relationships. I also had a lot of fun too.

Jenala · 07/04/2019 09:05

I met my first boyfriend in Year 9 and we were sleeping round each other's regularly definitely by Year 10. If not before. Is that really weird? I was pretty much living at his by the end of year 10.

We were sooo sensible because we felt so trusted by our parents. We were best friends and it didn't distract from school, we both did well in part because we had each other.

Original poster
RemoaningMyrtle · 07/04/2019 09:06

she tells you everything - of course she does

I didn't say she tells me everything, I said we discuss everything - subtle but important difference.

I think boundaries is the way forward.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 07/04/2019 09:06

We didn’t ban them as such - not a battle that was either necessary or winnable. We discouraged hugely in all sorts of ways as, yes, I also think it’s all too much too soon. We definitely wouldn’t have allowed boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers under 18 years of age and only within committed, relatively long term relationships.
None of ours decided to kick against it, none became teenager parents, all have open trusting relationships with us. We like and enjoy having their partners to stay now.
I would say do be that parent. Do set clear and reasonable boundaries. Do protect them from single parenthood and STDs.
We had discussions about the risks of precocious, casual sex. They knew which friend you could approach for the MAP, if necessary, so we’re properly informed.
We role model committed, happy relationships and are surrounded by friends who also model long term, arrived relationships as the ideal. Casual sex would very much be frowned upon in our social groups and this does impact on the youngsters. It’s perceived as a bit Eastenders.
We also filled their lives with other interesting things. School forbade intimacy - from snogging upwards- and if caught resulted in sanction with probable expulsion. They had large groups of mixed sex friendships that studied, played sports, played in orchestras etc so no hanging around time outside of meeting up in a coffee shop. Definitely no ‘chilling’ in gangs in parks.
Far from damaging them, it’s taught them to think carefully before they climb into bed, to take personal responsibility and to be aware that one night stands are rarely the basis for a happy and fulfilled life.

SleepingSloth · 07/04/2019 09:07

I m sending my year 6 to an all girls school next year. Problem solved!! ;-)

It doesn't work like that I'm afraid. 😬

EmperorBallpitine · 07/04/2019 09:07

I would be happy if dd had a boyfriend and wanted to go to cinema, text, hang out but until she's 16 I would discourage any sexual relationship so no sleepovers in the same room! In fact probably no sleepovers at all as there's younger children here. Urg I can't think about it!!! Dating is OK. They need to have their romances, its normal.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 07/04/2019 09:09

I don’t think banning would work! They’d see themselves as flipping Romeo and Juliet.
Also, it’s a very natural and normal thing to start to be interested in others romantically at that age. I don’t think it’s especially healthy to forbid it. If you’re keeping the channels of communication open as you say and supporting your dd, I think that’s a much better approach.

EmperorBallpitine · 07/04/2019 09:10

Oh and my dd goes to a girls school? They still know a few boys and take a bus with other schools

Biancadelrioisback · 07/04/2019 09:11

No experience of this as a parent, but I remember being a teenager. I went to an all girl's school and I was around 16 when I first had sex, but was dating and doing "other stuff" from 15. My mam banned my bfs from sleeping over and me from sleeping over at theirs so we used to sneak around to do stuff. I snuck him into my school so we could shag in the costume cupboard.
I don't think banning works

Fruitsaladjelly · 07/04/2019 09:16

Ime all girls leads to two outcomes, girls either throwing themselves at the first boy who comes along or just having a really disfunctional relationship with boys because they become such a foreign concept. I would never go single sex having experienced it.