My relative is scared of my toddler?

[Februaryblooms]

I have a 15 month old DS, typical toddler who likes running about his home and playing but is by no means a feral child or badly behaved.

My cousin popped round today after weeks of saying how much she wanted to catch up and guilt tripping me for not making more of an effort to keep in touch. I'm 37 weeks pregnant so have been taking it easy.

I spent an hour cleaning in preperation, bought some cake and and her preferred tea bags and she stayed all of 15 minutes then made an excuse to leave saying she had to go as she wanted to get to an art gallery.

I asked if everything was ok and she said to be totally honest she felt a bit uneasy around the toddler because he was running around. Usually when we meet it's outdoors and he's in his pram.

I was a bit taken aback but said I understood and thanked her for coming.

AIBU to think this was strange and slightly rude?

She sounds like hard work. Are you usually close?

That is weird !

Sure she wasn’t just anxious he might hurt himself rather than actually scared of him.

I can’t sit and relax around my nephew who’s 2 for that reason.

It's not rude. You asked how she felt and she told you honestly. If you didn't want to know, you shouldn't have asked.

It's a bit odd, but if she's never been around toddlers much, it's not that strange. Not everyone knows how small children behave and some people find that unsettling. She'll get used to it.

Yes, this is strange. I don't necessarily think she's being rude though, it sounds like she has issues.

Ok she sounds odd BUT could it be a case that she has some other challenges like autism? Because I have been diagnosed recently with "we aren't sure but you're on the spectrum" and I have an issue if people are running around me or I'm sitting and there standing or say you're sat in a coffee shop and people are walking around you going to the queue etc. I just feel really uneasy and apparently it's a trait of whatever they think I have but haven't fully labelled yet.

*they're standing

Does he bite?

I think some people can find the unpredictablity of toddlers a bit triggery.

I don't think she was trying to be rude, I think I just felt a bit put out because I'd made an effort to accommodate her today, put off other things and she couldn't get out of the door quick enough.

I do think perhaps it could be that she was worried DS was going to fall or hurt himself. He Is a bit of a whirlwind but no more so than any other mobile child his age, it's his home so I wasn't about to restrict him to his travel cot.

I've no reason to suspect she's on the spectrum though, there are no obvious signs.

She just isn't used to children i think.

He definitely doesn't bite unless you put your finger in his mouth

She may just be one of those people who feels a bit out of place among chidren. She may feel awkward and not know what to say to them or feel 'silly' playing with them.She may also be worrying that you are judging how she interacts/doesn't with your child.
It's like a kind of social anxiety where she feels out of her comfort zone.
I'm guessing she doesn't have children of her own or if she does ten they are grown-up.

She has no children of her own and very limited experience in interacting with them.

Due to now having my own and being around children alot I just find it hard to relate to, as I'm used to DS whizzing about the place.

There's no awkwardness between us and I didn't tell her that I felt disappointed so no harm done, perhaps next time we'll stick to meeting outdoors.

The problem is she likes to remain close and if children are an issue for her then I can't see how we can maintain the relationship to the extent that she'd like (meeting up weekly, going to her place for dinner etc) as soon I'll have two in tow.

She was less uneasy around DS when he was tiny but still a bit awkward around him if I think back.

You’re very over dramatic.

No one has suggested your toddler should be confined to a travel cot or that he’s different to any other toddler.

All toddler are unpredictable and have no sense of danger. If you’re not used to that then that’s fair enough.

I wouldn’t say cleaning your own house and buying tea and cake is a huge effort. I’d do that as a minimum for any guest coming over. Also you put other things off but you’re taking it easy. Wow your cousin sure is lucky to have had you fit her in to your extremely busy life,

You say she likes to remain close , well she’ll need to get used to your children then.

I have two young kids so I get what toddlers are like but I am nervous and even slightly scared of my nephew who is feral. They let him run around, climb furniture, pull stuff off counter tops and I am very uneasy around him.

Yep, you want to hang out with people with kids, you get used to dealing with the kids, regardless of your own status.

I don't even have kids & I would be very unhappy in your situation, having cleaned and all. She needs to get a grip or change how you meet and how often, as you can't be running around after her.

I think she sounds odd tbh. Surely, she should be able to take her cue from you as to how to behave around your toddler. If you were chilled then she should have realised there was nothing to worry about. If she wants to maintain a close relationship she will have to accept that you come with one (soon to be two) children and will need to be more flexible if she wants to see you regularly. BTW you don't sound over dramatic at all. I think she was rude.

Well she sounds odd, but look on the bright side- you don't have to share the cake! So put the baby down for a nap, sit in your tidy sitting room, and balance a plate of loveliness on your belly.

Is your toddler called Damien?

Sounds very odd. Unless he was climbing all over her. Especially since she sounded so keen to hang out and was berating you for not making an effort.

I’m sorry op but that just made me laugh. I’m now on my 5th toddler, they are quite terrifying . I wouldn’t worry about it, if a 15 month old behaving normally makes her uneasy I think she’s a bit strange.

Was he noisy or just running?

I find other people's toddlers really irritating when they're running about shrieking, banging, throwing things or pestering me to play. I have a preschooler so I know it's normal behaviour but I still don't like visiting people with toddlers. They are noisy and distracting, want your attention constantly and are usually covered in dribble/snot/food which they wipe on you.

I think we underestimate sometimes how frenetic toddlers can be, if we are used to them.

Well I guess in future if she wants to keep meeting up then she'll just have to get used to it, especially when you have two. I have a friend a bit like this too, not a relative though but an old friend and over time made time to meet them child free, for a meal in town, as they didn't like meeting up with the children. It wasn't easy to manage though.