My relative is scared of my toddler?

[Februaryblooms]

I have a 15 month old DS, typical toddler who likes running about his home and playing but is by no means a feral child or badly behaved.

My cousin popped round today after weeks of saying how much she wanted to catch up and guilt tripping me for not making more of an effort to keep in touch. I'm 37 weeks pregnant so have been taking it easy.

I spent an hour cleaning in preperation, bought some cake and and her preferred tea bags and she stayed all of 15 minutes then made an excuse to leave saying she had to go as she wanted to get to an art gallery.

I asked if everything was ok and she said to be totally honest she felt a bit uneasy around the toddler because he was running around. Usually when we meet it's outdoors and he's in his pram.

I was a bit taken aback but said I understood and thanked her for coming.

AIBU to think this was strange and slightly rude?

Thing is look, if you are in your 40s and are intimidated by toddlers, surely this is something that you will already have discovered or could imagine is true of yourself, so what would you do? Guilt trip your 37 week pregnant cousin (who, you know, 37 weeks is considered term) into hosting you along with her toddler, or think to yourself "maybe I'll catch up with her when her DP is on paternity leave/at Christmas/some other time when I don't have to be one to one with the toddler"?

IME these people are always the same - sensitive, but the sensitivity only works the one way.

It doesn’t sound odd to me, it sounds like jealousy. She accused you of not making an effort to me up and you went out of your way to accommodate her and buy cake. If she truly values your relationship then she would make an effort to form a relationship with your son but it sounds like she prefers all attention to be focussed on her.

He definitely didn't have a snotty nose, mucky hands, a smelly bum or anything else likely to gross her out

When he was born she insisted on coming straight round to see me/us as soon as I left the hospital and arrived about 15 minutes after DP and I arrived home with him from the hospital.

She was less uneasy around him when he was tiny but still somewhat awkward, didn't want to hold him or be too close which was fine but I think she struggles to accept that he (and impending DD) are part of the parcel now.

I felt a bit ambushed at the time but certainly won't be allowing her to visit so soon after DD arrives, especially so after the recent visit.

During his early days she was always insistent I go and visit at her place for dinner or coffee and I made the effort more than I would have liked as I didn't want her to feel pushed out.

She's quite clingy (towards me) in general so I think she needs to accept that things have changed considerably since my pre-children days and we just can't maintain such a close in-person relationship if the children are an issue.

She's extremely 'family orientated' and wants the few of us that are still around to confirm to her idea of being a close family and spending lots of time together, but at the same time doesn't really like young children of which there will soon be two, so meh. She'll have to suck it up I think.

Also to answer a previous question about how she goes about DS at her place when she doesn't like him out of the pram.

When I arrive if I take him out and he's having a wander or looking at anything then she'll immediately start with "ooo watch him. Don't let him touch the coffee table. Don't let him in the kitchen. Make sure he doesn't knock those papers down"

Just generally very anxious.

Then she'll suggest putting him back in the pram and finding something on tv to distract him whilst we have a cup of tea on the balcony or whatever.

It's not a child friendly environment at all but she still to this day keeps trying to insist I visit.

I think you've done very well to go to the efforts that you did to host whilst being so pregnant!

It sounds like perfectly normal toddler behaviour by your son. I know it's hard to not take it personally when someone doesn't like your children, but it'd be a shame if it damaged your friendship in the long term.

I hope for both your sakes that she now realises that she needs to give you some space until your children are a little bit older. It seems like the expectation being set is for your son to not play as opposed to not being feral, and that is not fair or realistic on you or your son.

Best of luck for the new baby.

I've given that answer about a dog, Im uneasy if they are running around and invading my space, but never about kids.

I doubt she's scared of him, she probably just doesn't like kids much

It seems like she didn’t like having to share your attention. And guilt tripping you for not meeting up with her sooner? If she’s so family oriented it seems strange she isn’t even offering to give you a wee bit of help seeing as you’re ready to give birth!
Don’t let her make you feel guilty - seems you’ve been the one to make all the effort and changes to accommodate her preferences.