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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My relative is scared of my toddler?

111 replies

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 14:49

I have a 15 month old DS, typical toddler who likes running about his home and playing but is by no means a feral child or badly behaved.

My cousin popped round today after weeks of saying how much she wanted to catch up and guilt tripping me for not making more of an effort to keep in touch. I'm 37 weeks pregnant so have been taking it easy.

I spent an hour cleaning in preperation, bought some cake and and her preferred tea bags and she stayed all of 15 minutes then made an excuse to leave saying she had to go as she wanted to get to an art gallery.

I asked if everything was ok and she said to be totally honest she felt a bit uneasy around the toddler because he was running around. Usually when we meet it's outdoors and he's in his pram.

I was a bit taken aback but said I understood and thanked her for coming.

AIBU to think this was strange and slightly rude?

OP posts:

snowball28 · 06/04/2019 16:47

Bloody hell who pissed in your cornflakes this morning @thankunextex? Chill . .

TanMateix · 06/04/2019 17:01

I think that she expect a tea and a chat as in older times and then realised that was not going to happen with your kid running around. She will develop more realistic expectations when she has children.

SEsofty · 06/04/2019 17:06

It’s really tough because what she wants is to catch up with you and you will inevitably have half an eye on your child so can’t give her full attention.

Sometimes relationships ebb and flow. At the moment there isn’t really a set up that works for you both. A year time or six months depending on how baby is you can resume evenings out drinking wine or whatever ever it was you used to do

clairemcnam · 06/04/2019 17:15

Does she have health issues?
I had a few years with really bad chronic pain and yes I was scared of toddlers. Because if they ran into me it really really hurt and made my pain worse for at least the rest of the say.

ShawshanksRedemption · 06/04/2019 17:20

I would say you're both at different stages in life. You're a mum of (soon to be) two and she isn't. She doesn't sound that interested in kids tbh, so she probably felt dropping round for a chat and coffee would be just that, but it's hard to relax and enjoy that with kid(s) running about.

In future I think meet ups (if you want them) should be when you don't have the kids with you.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 17:23

She doesn't have any health problems, I think it's a general uneasiness around young children because she's not used to them.

She's quite a bit older than me but has never wanted children of her own or spent much time in their company, so it's all a bit unfamiliar.

The dynamic has changed considerably since I've had my own as I used to pop to hers fairly often which I can't do as much now as she's in a second story flat with no lifts so the pram and the stairs is a pain, she also doesn't like DS being out of his pram when there so I tend to avoid taking him because it's not nice to be stuck in the pram for the duration now he's mobile.

In hindsight i don't think popping him in his play pen for half an hour would have been a problem had she actually asked me to do that whilst we had a cuppa and a natter if he were that big a distraction for her, it just seemed there was a general intolerance as she felt a bit uncomfortable around him in general.

OP posts:

Polarbearflavour · 06/04/2019 17:27

Other people will not find your children as fascinating as you I’m afraid and nobody is obliged to like them.

mathanxiety · 06/04/2019 17:28

This person is hard work.

She told you she was disappointed you hadn't made the effort to keep up a friendship with her, and then told you after you hosted her that your toddler gave her the heebiejeebies.

She seems to have completely forgotten the important details of your life (pregnant, SPD, and looking after a toddler) but expects you to be able to maintain a focus on her.

You are dealing with someone who is incredibly self absorbed and seems to think friendship/connection is a one way street.

Pretty soon you will have a baby plus a toddler and your life won't have room for her at all. It will be dominated by everyone's nap schedule and the absolute necessity of getting whatever housework and cooking you can get done under trying circumstances.

Watch and see what she makes of that. If she starts with the guilt tripping just drop her.

The problem is not your toddler or you, it's her.

Thegoodthere · 06/04/2019 17:31

Typical self-absorbed "children are a nuisance" twat. Ignore her and find better friends.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 17:44

I do understand that not everybody enjoys children or will find mine as wonderful as I do.

That being said they're a part of me and as this is their home I think it's only fair that she should have taken his presence into consideration before coming if it was going to be an issue.

Before I had my own and I were visiting friends who already had DC, I obviously knew there would be children present at the house, if I were uncomfortable about that or really didnt like being around little ones then surely the right thing to do would have been not go round or perhaps suggest meeting up without the DC when the mum was able to.

It's not the biggest problem in the world I know, i was just a bit confused by her behaviour as DS has been here for 15 months so it's not as though he's been sprang onto her and she knew he lived here when she asked to come

OP posts:

LuvSmallDogs · 06/04/2019 17:46

Bit of a difference between “not finding your children as fascinating as you” and being unable to stand their presence. I was a bit awkward round kids before I had my own but still managed to cope with their presence and look at their toys with them etc.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 17:50

Definitely.

I mean it would be lovely if she actually wanted to play with him or interact, but I don't expect her to do that. I understand she's not a 'kid person'

All I do expect of anybody who comes into ours is to be kind and tolerant of him which isn't difficult as he doesn't bother visitors and keeps himself distracted with his toys.

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 06/04/2019 17:51

Small children's noise can stress me out. I don't think that's strange!

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 17:58

She has two cats that she absolutely adores, I'm not much of a cat person at all and it was bloody annoying when I'd leave her place and almost always be covered in pet hair because they had taken over the chairs and had a tendency to brush up against you or jump on your lap.

That being said, she's oblivious to the fact I found the cats annoying because I never let on and wouldn't have done. I was always tolerant of them when I visited, gave them a stroke and never asked her to shut them away.

I knew that if I chose to go and visit her the cats were there and i'd probably be leaving covered in pet hair.

I didn't mind in the grand scheme of things because they're her pets and she loves them, I love her and enjoyed her company so tolerated the cats and respected the fact it's their home. No dramas.

Looking at it in that way, I am a bit offended she couldn't afford my DS the same degree of courtesy that I show her cats

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 06/04/2019 17:59

I often find that people cope differently with children at different ages - some are great with babies and toddlers, others not so much, but enjoy older children.
Your cousin might really come into her own when your children are over fives, or teens - so I;d hang on to the relationship and hope for the best.
I certainly wouldn;t take it as an insult to your DS - it's your cousin;s problem not yours or your boy's. He sounds like a lovely little guy - and I would find him delightful, but I like toddlers - so I don;t really know how it feels to be uneasy around them, and to me it seems odd, - but she told you when you asked -which wwas honest of her. it may be she is worried he will hurt himself - as she obviously doesn't know him like you do, also I think people can confuse being non verbal with being unable to understand - so to her it may seem that he is just bombing around, whereas you know the level at which you can speak to him and tell him to slow down if he's getting over enthusiastic .
My Ds, when he was about 2 used to get so excited when we visited other people he would run round and round the room shouting things like 'nescafe nescafe a better way to start your day' - much to my embarrassment (they probably thought I'd dosed him up with caffeine)

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 18:02

He didn't make a loud noise in the 15 minutes she was here @Gwenhwyfar honestly.

Had he been throwing a tantrum, screaming or whining I would completely understand. He was in his own little world chasing his robot and balls, he wasn't even babbling. He's completely non verbal at the moment and an extremely quiet little boy.

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 06/04/2019 18:02

She probably just doesn't like small children.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 18:04

That is adorable @KurriKurri it really made me smile!

I think my heart would burst if my DS did that. How cute!

(I get what you mean though, not everybody is a fan of the baby/toddler stage)

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2019 18:10

Nobody has to like anybody's child but if you agree to meet up in a toddler's home you xan a) expect there to be a toddler present b) expect them to act like a toddler and c) be polite about them. If you dont like them, don't ship up in their home .

BlueCornishPixie · 06/04/2019 18:22

It's a bit odd. But sometimes other people's DC can stress me out. If they are particularly excitable or active all I can see is them hurting themselves, and I feel their parents can't see the danger. Then I get into this awkward state of, their parents probably know the risks best for their DC so I'm not going to do anything but at the same time I can't stop watching the child in case it hurts itself.

But I wouldn't leave because of it, I just find it stressful. My dad used to say the same, it's like this tense feeling of "I'm sure everythings under control, but what if it's not" whilst with your own child you are "I definitely have this under control"

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 19:46

BarbarianMum, Yeah that's how I see it really. He's not a new feature and she knows he's full of energy so I'm not sure what she expected him to be doing when she came.

BlueCornishPixie, that's probably along the lines of what she was thinking. He's very fast and while I'm used to it know when to have him reign it in a bit, she's not and may well have been on edge about him hurting himself

OP posts:

Sisterlove · 06/04/2019 20:23

I feel like that around small children who constantly run around and don't sit still. It's why I've left my friend's house quickly in the past.

I do have my own kids, but they were never like that and I'm on edge thinking they'll hurt themselves and the loud noise makes me feel unsettled.

I get rather uncomfortable because the parents just act like it's normal and don't tell them to stop climbing furniture or playing roughly and I'd rather not witness any accidents.

I'm not autistic, I just find it hard to see how parents just chill while their kids are so loud and constantly on the move doing potentially dangerous things.

Sisterlove · 06/04/2019 20:25

@BarbarianMum

I fully agree with you.

It makes me tense and feel on edge.

Sisterlove · 06/04/2019 20:31

She may have seen other toddlers who aren't as on on the go as your DS. Not every child is the same.

If you really felt uncomfortable around her cats you should have said so. Some of my family are scared of cats so I put mine away when they visit. I'm not offended by that at all.

I think parents of boisterous children become immune to the noise and the constant movement, so they can't see how others find it difficult.

VioletCharlotte · 06/04/2019 20:38

How old is she? My 18 year old DS is awkward with his little cousins. He has no idea how to interact or what to say to them!

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