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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My relative is scared of my toddler?

111 replies

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 14:49

I have a 15 month old DS, typical toddler who likes running about his home and playing but is by no means a feral child or badly behaved.

My cousin popped round today after weeks of saying how much she wanted to catch up and guilt tripping me for not making more of an effort to keep in touch. I'm 37 weeks pregnant so have been taking it easy.

I spent an hour cleaning in preperation, bought some cake and and her preferred tea bags and she stayed all of 15 minutes then made an excuse to leave saying she had to go as she wanted to get to an art gallery.

I asked if everything was ok and she said to be totally honest she felt a bit uneasy around the toddler because he was running around. Usually when we meet it's outdoors and he's in his pram.

I was a bit taken aback but said I understood and thanked her for coming.

AIBU to think this was strange and slightly rude?

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 21:17

She's in her 40s

I'm sure not all toddlers are always on the go but most of the ones I've come across have been. I'm guilty of comparing him to others of his age group when I take him to groups and soft play (because of our concerns around his social delay) so I really don't think he would be considered hyperactive or over the top. It's possible she may see it differently though given how she has very little interaction with children his age and not much to compare him to.

I never felt the need to let her know her cats got on my nerves or stopped visiting her because of them because that would have seemed really innapropriate and rude on my part. I accepted them as part of the package when i go to visit which is all I expected of her really. If they bothered me to the extent that DS seemed to bother her then I just wouldn't go round.

I think next time she wants to meet I'll suggest a neutral location like a cafe where DS won't be free to run about like he is at home.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 06/04/2019 21:33

Honestly - there is nothing OTT about your little boy - he's barely more than a baby - the whole world is a new and exciting place, full of strange and wonderful things - of course he wants to run around and look at everything, that's what little ones do - rush around then flop down asleep - that's how they work. And it is totally normal and to be embraced - once he's a teenager he'll be lying around in bed until noon given half a chance Grin

dictionarycorners · 06/04/2019 21:39

Have t read the thread yet so may have been suggested but does she want children herself and find it difficult to be around a really pregnant you and s little one having fun?

Maybe the running thing was the only excuse she could come up with quickly and she was distressed?

BiscuitDrama · 07/04/2019 06:52

How does she convey that
she also doesn't like DS being out of his pram when there ?

Does she say why? It’s not fair on your child to pander to this.

Damntheman · 07/04/2019 08:05

Your boy sounds lovely and normal OP. But that said I get where friend is coming from. My kids also like to constantly run and I hate it!! I make them stop after a short while as the constant motion and smacking of feet on the floor gets under my skin and drives me nuts.

I would have asked DS to stop running for a while and tried to get him into duplo or something that would have kept him still.

Petalflowers · 07/04/2019 08:13

It seems a little odd that she left so soon as she was the one pressing to meet up.

I don’t think your boy did anything wrong. It’s actually lovely to hear of a toddler who was perfectly capable of entertaining himself. Toddlers are lovely, it goes with the territory.

Petalflowers · 07/04/2019 08:14

Lively, not lovely, although toddlers are lovely as well.

Phineyj · 07/04/2019 08:15

Dictionary may be onto something.

Thegoodthere · 07/04/2019 08:28

No, op, next time she wants to meet, tell her that since she doesn't like your kid you wouldn't want to freak her out. Stop pandering to her

Home77 · 07/04/2019 09:06

Why should you have to go out to the cafe where it might be more awkward for your child (unless you prefer it of course)? Unless she is someone you really want to keep in touch with I would let her make the effort to see you at home. It's not fair on your son to have to stay in his buggy for ages either, surely he'll fuss if left to do that for ages? Unless asleep of course. You sound 'too nice' to me and a bit of a people pleaser.

Planetian · 07/04/2019 09:50

I would make zero effort with this idiot OP. She’s selfish. She’s about to become even more intolerant as two under two is utter chaos at times! If she wants to visit you again don’t put yourself out, make minimal effort and don’t get her “special” teabags!!

Hard work that’s what she is. You don’t need any more work in your life!

GirlcalledJack · 07/04/2019 10:00

The friend isn’t selfish to not like children and be intimidated by them. Hmm

I don’t think most posters on this thread would understand as they have/had children and can’t see the other side.

It can be quite intimidating for people without DC to be around them especially at the 2/3 yrs stage where their Mums understands them but most others don’t understand what they are saying or wanting.

Having a young child running round is fine but if the DM is chasing them about and interrupting the conversation with ‘come here Jeffery’ and ‘don’t do that Jeffery’ or ‘slow the fuck down and behave little Jeffery’ then it might feel quite uncomfortable and frustrating for the friend.

Home77 · 07/04/2019 10:17

It's not a friend though, it's a cousin who doesn't even seem that close but who wants to get the OP to meet up etc. If they don't like it well why can't they just let it go and see other people without kids? Not very fair on the OP to have to pander to such demands really is it.

ShabbyAbby · 07/04/2019 10:43

Can you arrange a child free coffee or evening? Phone call even? It might be that she wanted to talk to you about something important/personal/sensitive and so asked for your time, but then realised that she was unable to have that conversation. I have done similar with friends where we both have kids, and left without being able to have the conversation I needed to, but because I'm a parent as well I understand that, and am sensitive to when my friends have needed the same.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 07/04/2019 10:54

She sounds like a loon, you’re ds sounds like a typical toddler.

I don’t get annoyed easily but it would really annoy me if my cousin behaved this way.

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 10:58

A woman who doesn't want to be around kids isn't an idiot or selfish. She might just not like to be around kids.

Thegoodthere · 07/04/2019 11:58

She is an idiot, sandi, if she goes to visit her relative who has a kid then leaves after 5 mins because there's a kid there.

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 12:11

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sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 12:15

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SandyY2K · 07/04/2019 12:29

Can't you meet her without your DS? I used to go out or meet up with friends without my kids when they were very young.

If I was meeting my friends who had kids, then we all brought the kids.

llangennith · 07/04/2019 14:57

Haven't rtft but sounds like she couldn't handle the dynamic of not having a grown up time with you and having to share your time and attention with your toddler.

minesthecutest · 07/04/2019 15:42

I just got an email to say I was mentioned in this thread but I can't find it anywhere and don't know why i would've been mentioned??

KellyW88 · 08/04/2019 02:30

I get that small children and toddlers can be down right scary to be around if you’re not used to them. My youngest brother and sister were perfectly well behaved whenever they visited me but would run EVERYWHERE - I was in my late teens then and I just couldn’t handle the unpredictability and was constantly tense they might hurt themselves, or each other! I tried to reason with this worry but my mum seemed completely immune to their antics. So I tried my best to power through it because I wanted to be around them as much as I could seeing as I had been raised by my Grandparents and they were being raised by my Mum so we rarely got to see each other.

So if she is truly intent on remaining close with you then hopefully she will make more effort in small increments to improve this issue and you can give her a little leeway now that she’s been honest. Keep communication open with her about this and try to build from it if she is willing and serious about not falling out of touch Smile

thornyhousewife · 08/04/2019 03:20

Did he have a snotty nose? Some parents can be blind to how repulsive this is. She might have been avoiding germs.

shakenfizzydrink · 08/04/2019 06:08

Why should your ds be confined to a playpen in his own home because she doesn't like him moving?! What the fuck is that? He's just toddling around.
I'd be straight with her next time she complains about not seeing you and say that you come as a package, and if she wants to see you then she has to accept you have a small child that can't be immobilised for her convenience.