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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My relative is scared of my toddler?

111 replies

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 14:49

I have a 15 month old DS, typical toddler who likes running about his home and playing but is by no means a feral child or badly behaved.

My cousin popped round today after weeks of saying how much she wanted to catch up and guilt tripping me for not making more of an effort to keep in touch. I'm 37 weeks pregnant so have been taking it easy.

I spent an hour cleaning in preperation, bought some cake and and her preferred tea bags and she stayed all of 15 minutes then made an excuse to leave saying she had to go as she wanted to get to an art gallery.

I asked if everything was ok and she said to be totally honest she felt a bit uneasy around the toddler because he was running around. Usually when we meet it's outdoors and he's in his pram.

I was a bit taken aback but said I understood and thanked her for coming.

AIBU to think this was strange and slightly rude?

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 06/04/2019 15:37

Did you have the tea in his vicinity? I used to be paranoid about that and still am to an extent.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 15:42

Actually I bet to differ @thankunextex

Doing an impromptu clean and going down the shops for last minute supplies to accommodate a guest is quite a lot of effort if you're 3 weeks away from giving birth, have SPD which makes doing things painful, and have a toddler in tow.

I made an effort to host her today because she told me she was dissapointed i hadn't made more of an effort to meet up. I would have happily gone another month or two without lunch or coffee meet ups if I were not trying to be polite and consider anybody other than myself.

I'm not a dramatic person in the slightest, I'm very laid back.

I wasn't suggesting she was lucky that I "fit her in to my busy life" but there are other things I needed to get done that I've been putting off due to feeling so tired, that I could have done whilst I was out and about this morning had I not had to rush back to host.

OP posts:

Home77 · 06/04/2019 15:42

I was at a toddler meet up things at a home where a child poured hot coffee pot over themselves once and needed a trip to hospital in an ambulance- scalded...which has left me a bit scared of toddler visiting (it wasn't here though , and the coffee pot was left in reach :-( )

Which has left me a bit wary of them too, sometimes, but it was in your own home not in hers and you would be aware...

Home77 · 06/04/2019 15:43

Was it because as the toddler was out and about he needed more of your attention so she felt you weren't attending or listening to her perhaps? As think that was what my friend didn't like.

Spikeyball · 06/04/2019 15:43

My son is very anxious around toddlers because of their unpredictability.

Bookworm4 · 06/04/2019 15:44

he's a bit of a whirlwind
How often is this the case in the parents eyes and in reality the child is completely wild/feral?
Take off the rose tinted specs.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 15:48

Crossed posts with alot of replies, apologies.

He's very quiet if anything, he doesn't make alot of noise and isn't the most social of toddlers as he doesn't demand attention / climb onto visitors / make a load of noise.

What he does do is run around alot, but minds his own business as he does. He was chasing his battery operated robot around the room and playing with ball pit balls whilst she was here. He didn't approach her and wasn't making a nuisance of himself but I can appreciate a tiny person zooming around the room might be a bit overwhelming for some people, for whatever reason.

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2019 15:49

It’s ok for her to feel this way. Respect her feelings. She’s probably got some sensory stuff and the chaos that comes with kids probably overwhelms her a bit. At least she was honest and nice about it.

Your kids won’t be tiny and zipping around forever, so keep your relationship intact, even if it’s a bit compromised.

It’s annoying, I totally understand. And in your shoes, I’d be mumbling an ‘Oh ffs’ to myself. But it’s important to honour how she feels and try to strike some sort of balance.

Home77 · 06/04/2019 15:51

aww, I bet he's sweet and lovely, it is hard when people find being round our children hard when they are such a part of you. Maybe try and forget it and if not that bothered about being close anyway, maybe will be an excuse for her not to come next time (and find friends with children to meet with instead)

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 15:55

I probably am a bit defensive about anybody finding DS a nuisance, deep down.

There is ASD on his father's side and we've raised some concerns about his social development which he has now been referred to a paed for. He's a very insular little boy who minds his own business and just wants to play with his toys by himself, I actually wish he was more socially demanding!

OP posts:

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 15:58

So he's definitely not a feral or demanding child, quite the opposite.

The only reason I'd say he was a whirlwind is because he loves to run around and explore but that's the case for all toddlers and is par for their development isn't it. He runs in and out of the room, around the rug etc but wasn't dragging things off surfaces, opening cupboards or bumping into things.

I didn't like that a completely normal behaviour was being made to be an issue in the comfort of his own home.

I do understand the concerns about hot drinks etc as raised by PP.

OP posts:

Cantthinkofausername1990 · 06/04/2019 16:11

I think a lot of people would be insulted by others thinking their child is a nuisance.
My brother is scared of my child (who is now 5) but my child has asd and can be very clumsy. Whereas i am used to the clumsiness, my brother doesn't have children and is always on edge in case my child gets hurt. So it's likely she was also a bit nervous as she isn't used to children's behaviour.

Home77 · 06/04/2019 16:14

Maybe just remember it's her issue, not yours...and try and let it go. Doesn't sound like you would particularly miss her company or are close really anyway, so maybe just focus on others instead. I felt similarly hurt about my friend too, to be honest.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2019 16:14

TBH I think your cousin sounds like a self-absorbed little madam.

She told you "she was dissapointed i hadn't made more of an effort to meet up", but what she actually wants is just you, not you and DS. All on her terms, and when they were on yours (DS present) she makes her very poor excuses and buggers off. Probably with a bag on. Art gallery, my arse - that was a bare-faced lie.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 06/04/2019 16:16

She sounds odd, but toddlers can be very loud and annoying, and sometimes it feels pointless talking to the mother of a 15 month old because they are constantly being interrupted or having to rescue their DC from something. She might be more of a quiet and serene art gallery type person?

rubyroot · 06/04/2019 16:17

He's a bit of a whirlwind

How often is this the case in the parents eyes and in reality the child is completely wild/feral?
Take off the rose tinted specs.

Well shit! I thought this was pretty usual for a 15 month old. I can't leave mine alone or he'll destroy the place- open the draws, take all the stuff out, run around, pull stuff out my bag. I call him the destroyer. I am trying to tell him things and occasionally he does respond. He has stopped standing on the table that the TV is on for example. But he still throws food and his water on the floor from his high chair
I thought this was normal 15 month old behaviour- aren't they all whirlwinds.

Maybe she just got pissed off cause she couldn't talk to you with toddler in two?!

rubyroot · 06/04/2019 16:18

tow

rubyroot · 06/04/2019 16:20

He runs in and out of the room, around the rug etc but wasn't dragging things off surfaces, opening cupboards or bumping into things.

Gosh you're lucky! Mine does this ALL THE TIME!

cantfindname · 06/04/2019 16:21

There is a woman who lives near me who is literally terrified of children, especially small ones. Sadly for her she seems to hold a strange fascination and they always flock round her. She was chatting to me once not knowing my rather full-on Grandson was staying. He appeared and started chatting nicely (but incessantly) to her and she actually began to shake and turned first bright red and then very pale.

Poor woman. I feel sorry for her, life must be very awkward at times.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 06/04/2019 16:25

She's very extroverted and social whereas I'm the quiet introvert, if anything

DS really is a quiet little guy, he's not verbal at all and doesn't scream (unless he's having a tantrum which she has been lucky enough to have never witnessed!) He just keeps himself to himself in his own little world. Poor little bugger (ok I'm projecting now)

Other than me, DP and my DM none of DS's relatives are interested in him and that stings a bit, so I'd have liked for her to actually want to be in his company or take an interest in him or at least tolerate him for more than 15 mins

Unfortunately you can't make somebody like kids and I'm not about to try and force her to get used to him if she feels this uncomfortable .

OP posts:

OneStepSideways · 06/04/2019 16:33

TBH the constant running would have made me uneasy too. It's hard to chat if a tiny person is zooming around the room, especially if you're trying to drink hot tea!

Of course it's his house and he should feel free to run, but maybe limit it a bit when visitors are present? Imagine if you went to someone's house and their dog was zooming around constantly, chasing toys and racing round the rug? It would be distracting and unnerving if you weren't used to it.

My DD was like an overexcited hyperactive puppy at that age, I often felt quite dizzy with the constant running and fear she'd slip and hurt herself. TV on quietly in the background worked wonders, the only thing that got her to sit still.

thankunextex · 06/04/2019 16:33

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sandi2019 · 06/04/2019 16:34

I do think it's a bit weird.....but it depends....if the kid was being noisy, screaming, shouting etc shes's probably thought...stuff this....I dont have to stick around for this (as I have thought when I've gone round to houses and the kids have been a nightmare).
There is one woman I know....if she ever comes round to ours, I arrange to go out....and I avoid her like the plague.. her son is nasty (last time I saw him, he took a toy and smashed it over a little girls head......he is really the stuff of horror films).
But if it really was just normal kid behaviour.....a bit odd....yes.

staydazzling · 06/04/2019 16:36

sounds like an absolute whack job, if your child was barely walking at that age, I'd imagine there would be judgement there too, cut your losses.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/04/2019 16:41

He's 15 months old. What does she expect him to be doing. Sitting at the dining table reading the Daily Mail
My nephew is 20 months and he's a little monkey.

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