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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if we don't have the same dad.

145 replies

BrotherlyLove · 06/04/2019 14:26

Just got the results from my Ancestry DNA kit.
My brother did his a while ago, he has come up in my details as close family/first cousin.
We have a 1535 Match of centimorgans or whatever it's called. This does not look good does it?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrotherlyLove · 07/04/2019 15:35

I fully deleted everything toddle.
There's no gentle raising with my mother, I am on the Stately Homes thread, not under this name.
I am just going to live with it without sharing at the moment.
I just wanted to update as I had some very kind responses and didn't want to be rude and just leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrotherlyLove · 07/04/2019 15:39

I should have made it clearer yesterday that it was my db who wasn't a match(was in a bit of a tizz)
The boundary does seem to be too low to be ambiguous.

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toddle · 07/04/2019 15:40

I'm sure your running 73947 different possibilities through your mind but as someone else has said there's fb groups full of support for these kind of things. There are many people who have found this out to learn it isn't something like an affair which I would probably presume to start with but things like struggle conceiving and using donor sperm. Mum already pregnant and new partner taking baby on as there own. Mum not knowing they were pregnant getting a new boyfriend 'falling pregnant' and having baby early. I know of some people who have spoke about it with their mother to find out they were raped while in a relationship and kept baby. It really is a can of worms.

Take some time. Your mother may not even know herself and on the other hand your father may already be aware but not care. This technology wasn't even a dream years ago. People agreed to keep secrets which 20 Years ago would have been taken to the grave.

toddle · 07/04/2019 15:41

Sorry I've just seen your latest message. At least if it's fully deleted you can play ignorant should it ever come out x

BedraggledBlitz · 07/04/2019 15:48

What a shock. He must have wondered the same thing. Did his test not come up with a whole side of the family that would identify who his dad is?

Raspberry10 · 07/04/2019 15:56

I think I would have done the same, at least your out of it. Your cousin will probably have already sussed it, as your brother will have either not appeared (if they even know he’s tested) or be further away a relationship than he should be. I’m guessing they are staying quiet already.

Just don’t give it anymore thought, at least your brother isn’t into it and hopefully won’t realise.

Drum2018 · 07/04/2019 15:57

Chances are your brother will have received a message via email telling him that he has a new match. Even though you have since deleted your details he may still question you so be prepared for that. It does look likely that you are half siblings. In fairness to your brother I think he should know, and maybe already does if he has matched with strangers from his bio father's side. There is half a medical history that he should be aware of if nothing else. It's hard to know how to proceed but it may well be a case that your father knows too and that your parents worked through whatever went on back then.

rosiejaune · 07/04/2019 16:06

The inaccuracy of ethnicity results for identical twins have nothing to do with the amount of shared DNA between siblings. They are measured using different markers.

There's no reason this wouldn't be reliable. It might not be as precise as a more expensive test, because not all the SNPs are tested, but it's good enough. So yes, you are half-siblings.

dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

Original poster
BrotherlyLove · 07/04/2019 16:12

Raspberry, the cousin who is really into it is in my mum's side so he appeared in both our matches, I had a closer match with a cousin who doesn't even appear at all in my db's matches. Hopefully our mutual cousin didn't see me appear in my brother's list as a close rather than immediate family member.
I would stake my life in the fact my dad doesn't know.
I am keeping schtum for now, there is no right or wrong answer to this, people are going to be hurt and I am not ready for that at this time. My db has got this far without the medical thing so that's how it's standing currently.
Appreciate all your advice everyone.

OP posts:
Lyver · 07/04/2019 17:27

It seems more likely that your dad is not your father I would go over for a weekend and just act normal like you always would maybe bring it up on the last day you're there.. like "oh I received this DNA ancestry kit as a gift from a friend and I wasn't sure of doing it but since brother did it would be fun to see the connections since it was a gift any way" and see what their reactions are.. if dad is fine with it he and mom is trying to talk you out of it then that would speak for itself especially since you mentioned you are aware of am affair.

FuzzyHeaded · 07/04/2019 18:33

My DH is a genealogist and he says this looks like you bring half siblings. Whilst he wouldn't touch the ethnicity analysis that Ancestry does with a bargepole he says the info r.e. centimorgan matches is very likely to be correct. (The rubbishness of Ancestry.org is not the testing but the analysis of data).

Original poster
BrotherlyLove · 07/04/2019 19:28

Thanks Fuzzy, I had previously read that the ethnicity thing was largely hocum, my dh thought the test would be a bit of fun more than anything, as I said upthread he was hoping I had exotic ancestry.
He obviously does not feel great about what I have subsequently discovered and despite the fact I have been scouring various sites hoping that my figures might be nonsense, it would appear they are not.
I am just very grateful that my brother was so ambivalent about his gift that he doesn't appear to have taken much notice of the results.
Quite how my relationship with my mother will go on I do not know, things were bad anyway, but that's another thread...
Thanks for your help.

OP posts:
YeOldeTrout · 07/04/2019 19:48

I have deleted my account so that my db and other family can't see anything.

Gosh, OP. Hardcore.
Have you no talent at fobbing off?
Could be argued that you have no right to deprive him of truth about his genetic history.
Nothing can change who is dad is, = the fellow that raised him.

Original poster
BrotherlyLove · 07/04/2019 19:55

ODFOD

OP posts:
YeOldeTrout · 07/04/2019 20:19

Peace and Love to you, too. :)

I have a newly-discovered uncle.. does he deserve to know his bio family? Who would I be, to not give him the choice, anyway.

Rosebud21 · 08/04/2019 08:44

My sister & me used the 23andme kit recently and we shared 54% of our DNA, & she was identified as my sister. Perhaps contact the customer services for advice? Good luck

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/04/2019 09:03

Your sister was identified as your sister.Confused

WeeDangerousSpike · 08/04/2019 09:11

Crikey, what a shock Sad

I recently found out I have an older half sibling i didn't know existed, it was an awful shock.

That was finding an 'extra' to my family with no adultery involved (and both my parents knew, just hadn't told us, so no marriage at risk). But finding out you aren't related to people you think you are would be so much worse Sad

There is a possibility OP that your DB will be contacted by an ancestry match on his bio dad's side, as you say there are matches there already - possibly worth considering if him hearing from you would be kinder?

But it's a big thing to get your head around Flowers

Thadeus · 08/04/2019 09:17

Could these gifts be from someone who (if there was anything to know)might know the truth and it’s a way to reveal it?

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/04/2019 09:22

Thadeus OP's already said no to that a few times, separate gift givers at different times.

I think your approach to sit on it is good OP, also worth acknowledging that it could in fact be an error these things are not 100% accurate.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 08/04/2019 09:26

DS did his and it matched him with my parents immediately with 1780 centimorgans similarity with his grandad, and 1650 centimorgans with his nan. They show up as possible first cousins, aunt or uncle. So there is some accuracy in there otherwise they wouldn't have thrown up those matches, along with a match to my mum's cousin, and people in DH's family tree.

Rosebud21 · 08/04/2019 19:12

@Awwlookatmybabyspider - the person I have always been told is my sister and genetic similarity

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/04/2019 20:29

Smile oh I see. I thought they were telling what you already knew.
I was thinking that's a bit of bloody con.

Original poster
BrotherlyLove · 08/04/2019 22:24

Rosebud, I don't think customer services can help?

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Original poster
BrotherlyLove · 08/04/2019 22:25

Must admit I was also a bit confused by your post.

OP posts: