MIL on repeat, repeat, repeat

[HarrysOwl]

I genuinely love MIL.

She's a lovely person, really kind and welcoming. She never interferes, is only full of compliments and she wrote a lovely letter to me welcoming me to the family when DH & I got engaged.

The only thing that makes visiting her hard is her habit of repeating stories and being talked at. The stories are the same ones. Over and over. I can't express how torturing it is to be talked AT. She's been like this for 10 years.

I've tried:

1. saying 'I remember you saying this'
2. saying 'oh yes, you've told me a few times'
3. telling her the ending i.e. 'did you open the door and there he was, in a dress?' But she carries on regardless
4. changing the subject

Nothing has worked. She has a friend who is the same and they literally talk AT EACH OTHER, over each other. They stayed with us once. It was insane.

On the phone she's better, weirdly, and you can have a slightly more two sided conversation (it's still 80/20 her talking) but in person, honestly, it's 99/1 and I feel like an unwilling audience. I mind when it's new information - it's the repeated stories that make me want to eat my teeth.

She'll ask a question but then talk over you immediately. She'll tell you every teeny detail of her weekend in Weymouth but when we came back from our wedding (we eloped, but had it videod to show her) she couldn't muster enough attention to watch it, instead she talked about work. Poor DH was really, really hurt.

AIBU? She's such a lovely lady, it's just this aspect that put me (and DH!) off visiting her. I have to convince DH to come along, as he hates his mum talking over him and at him. His energy evaporates.

We're visiting her today.

Any advice? Happy to be flamed and I'll put my good-DIL hat on!

@harrysowl - I was actually trying to be supportive of you and your DH. Yes, I am aware people are complex. And also - that sometimes it takes an outsider looking into your situation to sort of 'see' what has become normalised.

Really wish I hadn't bothered, but anyway, good luck to you all!

but don't try to stop her telling her stories and building her memories

Thing is, if her repeated stories were significant emotionally, I'd totally understand that. Often you have to dig a bit to get important information, but it's the mundane non-event stories that get repeated.

Hearing about the house viewing she went to fifteen years ago where the curtains were awful and the letting agent agreed that the curtains were awful and she couldn't possibly buy the house because it needed so much doing to it - and the curtains were awful (I got a very blank stare when I once managed to say you can change the curtains...) I just can't face being a nodding dog through it again.

Triggers: houses, curtains, renovation, interior design, Dunelm, anyone mentioning moving house, for sale signs.

@OVienna sorry, Vienna, I apologise.

MIL's eldest touches a nerve with me, he's a right arrogant twank, no one dares speak over him. I do wish MIL could use some of that restraint with DH & I! She knows we're nice and will listen.

NP @HarrysOwl

Thing is, if her repeated stories were significant emotionally, I'd totally understand that

Yes, I see where you mean. But I give you this:

My mother repeats constantly, on a loop. It's the same stories about her relationship with her brother and his wife and other family members. She repeats the same gestures, the pauses are all in the same place in the story line. It's on a loop over and over again, as if she is in some sort of Purgatory. I do say, you've mentioned that before and she even admits she has but carries on regardless. She doesn't want to change or even I think a practical solution from me, she wants endless validation for feeling upset with them. I have asked her whether she thinks treatment for anxiety might help but she 'doesn't want to go on medication.' The trouble we have now is that my daughters are of an age where they notice she's troubled/it's troubling for them because she is unable to edit herself in any context, including at celebrations like birthdays and Christmases. My youngest DD said to me: "Why does Grandma always talk about those same upsetting things?"

My MIL is actually on a Dementia path and interestingly doesn't repeat at all. She might forget details/things we've told her but we don't have the repetitive story thing.

I wonder about what another poster said that the more self interested you are in life, the more likely you are to do this later on.

That’s an interesting theory.

Certainly my Grandma was also a repeater all her life and very self involved and at the end when the dementia was full blown she could repeat the same story on a loop 5 or 6 times with no gap.

I also wonder if it’s actually a developmental thing for some people as well. A part of the development of theory of mind whereby they don’t really have a concept of what other people already know or maybe interested in. I know with both my parents, they seem to think it’s interesting to them then it is de facto interesting to others. I nominate my fathers 45 min long monologue on the relative turning circle of every car he’s ever owned as evidence.

I think it's a total lack of self awareness and an egotistical attitude that they are the most important person.
My Mum is completely unaware that she bores people to death with her stories and repeating. It's incredibly selfish to yammer non stop about shite and not have the good manners to ask others about their lives or at least try to show an interest.

Even when I'm doing my nodding dog or playing on my phone, which I admit is very rude on my part, she just keeps on and on.
If someone was doing that to me I would STFU.