MIL on repeat, repeat, repeat

[HarrysOwl]

I genuinely love MIL.

She's a lovely person, really kind and welcoming. She never interferes, is only full of compliments and she wrote a lovely letter to me welcoming me to the family when DH & I got engaged.

The only thing that makes visiting her hard is her habit of repeating stories and being talked at. The stories are the same ones. Over and over. I can't express how torturing it is to be talked AT. She's been like this for 10 years.

I've tried:

1. saying 'I remember you saying this'
2. saying 'oh yes, you've told me a few times'
3. telling her the ending i.e. 'did you open the door and there he was, in a dress?' But she carries on regardless
4. changing the subject

Nothing has worked. She has a friend who is the same and they literally talk AT EACH OTHER, over each other. They stayed with us once. It was insane.

On the phone she's better, weirdly, and you can have a slightly more two sided conversation (it's still 80/20 her talking) but in person, honestly, it's 99/1 and I feel like an unwilling audience. I mind when it's new information - it's the repeated stories that make me want to eat my teeth.

She'll ask a question but then talk over you immediately. She'll tell you every teeny detail of her weekend in Weymouth but when we came back from our wedding (we eloped, but had it videod to show her) she couldn't muster enough attention to watch it, instead she talked about work. Poor DH was really, really hurt.

AIBU? She's such a lovely lady, it's just this aspect that put me (and DH!) off visiting her. I have to convince DH to come along, as he hates his mum talking over him and at him. His energy evaporates.

We're visiting her today.

Any advice? Happy to be flamed and I'll put my good-DIL hat on!

Just live with it.
My late lovely MIL was exactly like this for the 40 years of our marriage until she died 6 years ago.
A bit annoying I agree but weigh it up against the good stuff and pick your battles.

This is the equivalent of a toddler under your feet. She’s getting old and needs to get her stories out, to be heard.

It's a shame because it makes people not want to see them. I never found an answer to when my dad did this. My sister used to be quite rude to his face 'Not this story AGAIN dad' but it made not the slightest bit of difference.

Although he was an ok dad when we were kids, he always was rather self-absorbed. Maybe a certain personality type does this as they get older. OMG I hope I don't start doing this.

my MIL is like this, and is too sweet for me just to cut her off, When she is here i do a lot of checking of my emails on the computer and make all the right noises, although I make sure dh has time off now, so she is his problem. I also hide in the kitchen and do a lot of baking and cooking.

Sometimes you can head her off with a sudden question about SIL or her children, or current affairs....but it does usually revert back quite smartly

Even asking pointed questions about recent stuff she has done, maybe a meal out with friends or SIL will trail briskly back round to the same story about a treat that went wrong.

My Mum does this too, but as we are in different countries, I read the news, or make a mug of tea, or stack the dishwasher with her on speakerphone. I make the right noises in the right places.

My mum is like this, I’ve tried everything including being blunt and cutting her off mid-story, and sitting her down and telling her I’m concerned she has the start of some kind of memory related illness because she rejects the same stuff over and over. and asking her to see a GP (she won’t - there’s nothing wrong with her).

I’ve given up and switch off while she’s droning on.

I agree with the people who are asking "why is she lovely?"

As she talks at and over you all the time, when does she have a chance to be lovely.

I am shocked that apparently even when people have confronted their relatives that it doesn't change anything! Awful.

But I would have to try. You and your dh could present a united front. And I am not surprised he doesn't want to visit her. If you keep visiting and letting her get away with it then nothing will change will it?

I would have to confront. Kindly. And if it didn't work, not visit her nearly so much.

One more question - is she intelligent? Because she sounds like she has nothing to say really.

Oh god yes I can relate, in my case it's my DM.

If I have to sit by and listen to her tell my DP about the time I stole and ate a block of cheese from the fridge when I was a toddler I think I might just scream.

I think you are being unkind. She is a little extreme but most people over e certain age will repeat tales and forget who they have told which tale. She might have been very hurt that you eloped ( most Mums would be) and actually letting it go is very tolerant of her. I dont think I would want to watch a video of my child marrying when I had been excluded so your OH is out of order to be offended. Lonely people often go on a repeat without drawing breath. I dont think you can judge this relationship simply on the basis of this behaviour. Older people, like teenagers can become a bit self centred. Manage it with a bit of tact

My BIL does this, he has ADHD (and other SN).

I bet there's plenty of older adults with undiagnosed SN. Not saying that's your MIL though op as I've never met her.

She might have been very hurt that you eloped ( most Mums would be) and actually letting it go is very tolerant of her

She didn't mind at all, DH & I talked to her about it long before the ceremony.

She has another son and he had the big white wedding not long ago so she hasn't missed out on anything. Our wedding was right for us, which is how it should be.

My DH had every right to feel hurt and offended that she couldn't stop talking about Sheila from work for long enough to watch our 3-minute video.

Interestingly, I find myself repeating stories to different family members . When I realise I have done so I am embarrassed. One daughter cuts me off with a " you told me this already" and the other lets it go with tolerance. I know which I prefer. In fact I read a poem once about an aging mothers plea to her children to let her repeat without rebuke. It was quite moving. Lives are so different when you are caught up in the busy-ness of bringing up your children, jobs and life between 20 and 50. When your children have left home and you retire, the world shrinks. You worry about more things and are more easily hurt by smaller acts of thoughtlessness. I remember to my shame feeling intolerant of my own mothers anecdotes. If she was still alive I would try harder.

My dad is like this, but potentially early dementia being investigated.

We turn it into a game. I’m not perfect, sometimes I snap. But I like to see which details change, or say to him that if I had a pound every time I’ve heard the story.

@HarrysOwl
My mother does this too. In the past I'd listen patiently over and over again but these days I often stop her - especially as a lot of what she remembers are either about people I've never met or long-past hurts about other people she remembers in detail.

It also doesn't help that she's quite hard of hearing/deaf in one hear I end up repeating stuff to her till she gets it. And she won't wear her hearing aid.

@Babdoc
Have you tried stopping her in mid flow and asking her WHY she keeps repeating the same stories? Not rudely, but laughingly “MIL, that’s the fifteenth time you’ve told me this story - why do you want to tell me again?”
I now do this with my mother with varying success - but sometimes WILL tell her she's told me the same thing many times before and I don't want to talk about whatever it is again especially if whatever it is is negative. That works for a week or two!

Bless her! 🤗

My mother is like this and I have a friend who does this.

Sorry OP. I meant to say to have a read of the "Elderly Parents" topic board for more enlightenment.

Write her a heartfelt letter just asking her to be more open to listening? Word it appropriately. She can't talk over a letter. Or would it upset her too much?

I think you might be my SIL!

My MIL does this - she is famous, nay notorious for it, not just in her family but in the small town she lives in. She is also not lovely.

Let me say, loud and clear - this is not an age thing. I have known MIL for over 30 years and she has always been like this.

However, we are pretty sure she is on the autistic spectrum, undiagnosed (as you would be in a small backwater many years ago). There is a large seam of autistic spectrum disorders (diagnosed) running through DH's side of the family and I think this is partly how it manifests in MIL. This knowledge does not solve the issue, but it makes it easier to grit my teeth.

Back to the age thing, if anything she has improved with age as she has mellowed a bit and become a bit nicer - just a bit, she is no sweet old lady. So I offer not solutions, just empathy. Especially the following you to the bathroom while you pee experience - yup, I recognise that one. Or when you throw up with morning sickness and she is still drivelling onto you about some imagined small town slight from 20 years ago you have heard about elevnty billion times as you head is down the toilet.

This drives me mad. MIL does this all the time. Same uninteresting story repeated about three times in the same conversation. She knows perfectly well she's doing it, so I think it's just about enjoying telling the tale. Usually involves her sitting in judgment or bitching about someone. Other people's misery is her favourite thing. Makes her happy. Reminds me what a nasty cow she is. I say, it reminds me what a nasty cow she. Yeah, it reminds me what a nasty cow she is.

I think a lot of people are like this. My mum used to complain about her mum doing it, and now is exactly the same! If on the phone I Mumsnet/play games on my phone. Face to face I either switch off, plan the next meal etc, and say Um and Ah at regular intervals. If DH or the DCs are around we tend to have our own conversation going at the same time - she doesn't seem to notice 😁

Why can't your DH actually stop her?

'Mum, seriously, you've told this story many, many times'
'Mum, you've not let us get a word in edgeways'
'Mum, stop it, you're not listening'.
'Mum, we've heard it all before and you're not hearing us tell you this'

Mum! For the love of god, please will you stop!'

Etc, etc.

You should bring a hobby. Of take one up. Like crochet or crosswords. So that you get stuff done while she’s talking. Also try doing stuff like watching tv or take her to the races. Anything where you are not just sitting and expecting conversation.

So many of my family now repeat! It’s just their age. They can’t help it. Doesn’t mean we can’t get something out of each other’s presence though. I just do a cross word or play with the kids or take up s game. Like cards! Whist!

She can concentrate on that.

Can you turn it into a game with DH. Story bingo, your get a point for every story you predicted would be retold.
If you are sure it is not an early sign of dementia (and if its been the same for 10 hrs with no other deterioration, it is unlikely to be)
If she is otherwise lovely
You may just have to suck it up
Smile and nod, do emails, knit, encourage her, ask her to tell you the story of x again as you enjoy it,
If you can change your mindset, you might be able to endure it more easily

I think you might be my SIL!

If you really, really dislike me then you definitely are my SIL!

Just heading off to MIL now. Will try and implement the 'yes, heard this one' with confidence but kindness.

I have zero hope.