MIL on repeat, repeat, repeat

[HarrysOwl]

I genuinely love MIL.

She's a lovely person, really kind and welcoming. She never interferes, is only full of compliments and she wrote a lovely letter to me welcoming me to the family when DH & I got engaged.

The only thing that makes visiting her hard is her habit of repeating stories and being talked at. The stories are the same ones. Over and over. I can't express how torturing it is to be talked AT. She's been like this for 10 years.

I've tried:

1. saying 'I remember you saying this'
2. saying 'oh yes, you've told me a few times'
3. telling her the ending i.e. 'did you open the door and there he was, in a dress?' But she carries on regardless
4. changing the subject

Nothing has worked. She has a friend who is the same and they literally talk AT EACH OTHER, over each other. They stayed with us once. It was insane.

On the phone she's better, weirdly, and you can have a slightly more two sided conversation (it's still 80/20 her talking) but in person, honestly, it's 99/1 and I feel like an unwilling audience. I mind when it's new information - it's the repeated stories that make me want to eat my teeth.

She'll ask a question but then talk over you immediately. She'll tell you every teeny detail of her weekend in Weymouth but when we came back from our wedding (we eloped, but had it videod to show her) she couldn't muster enough attention to watch it, instead she talked about work. Poor DH was really, really hurt.

AIBU? She's such a lovely lady, it's just this aspect that put me (and DH!) off visiting her. I have to convince DH to come along, as he hates his mum talking over him and at him. His energy evaporates.

We're visiting her today.

Any advice? Happy to be flamed and I'll put my good-DIL hat on!

You should not be overriding your DH's decisions about his mother. That is wrong. He didn't want to visit. You shouldn't be trying to manage him into having the relationship you think he should have with her. Back off. He manages his mum. He decides on visits. If she annoys him and hurts him he's allowed to choose not to visit. You should be respecting his wishes.

My Mum is like this and my god it is soul destroying. It's making me not want to spend so much time with her and it makes me so very angry and stressed.
It is not so much of the old stories though there are some, it is mainly what is happening now.

It's just an endless stream of consciousness repeated over and over, much like KurriKurri with the Hoover and Fluffyears and the volunteering and apple white.
This is exactly it.

We were having tea in the pub once and she decided on fish and chips. She says, I'll have fish and chips. Then, fish and chips is fine for me. No I'll have fish and chips. Yeah so fish and chips for me. Tell them I want fish and chips. Fish and chips please. I'll have fish and chips. Fish and chips....until I literally exploded and upset her.

Earlier in the week she told me that her friend had left some hospital paperwork at home when she went for an appointment. She told me 6 times!

The latest thing is that she is buying a new car. She knows the make and model she wants. Every time we see one on the road she says, there's one! That will do for me. Yeah that's great for me. Yeah that will do fine for me.
Ad nauseum EVERY FUCKING TIME.
For fucks sake Mother, I know what car you want, you've told me 200 times.

There is a bloke round the corner selling a similar car. He wants a ridiculous price. For the last 3 months, EVERY FUCKING TIME we pass that car she makes a comment about how he wants too much and won't sell it at that price.
It's like bingo and I actually start counting down as we turn the corner, waiting for her to say it.

There is a shop we go to where the owner parks really badly on the corner. Every time we go to she makes the same comment about his bad parking. EVERY FUCKING TIME. More bingo.

The worst of it is that I have to hear it all in duplicate or triplicate while she bores the arse off someone else with the same repetitive monologue. She has no self awareness, no idea that people are starting to edge away or glaze over. On and on and on.
If the subject gets changed, she brings it back and back and back.

It's not just the repeating either, it's the yammering about other people that I don't know and have zero interest in. I don't want to know about next door having their drive flagged, or that Terry managed to park his car in front of his house or that Diana is off work today. Why tell me?

If I can, I just play with my phone but that doesn't stop her, I walk away, she follows me. I say I have to go, pan on the stove, she just keeps on and on and on.

I don't share much about my life these days as it is clear she is not interested. I'm suffering with peri menopause and I've tried to talk to her about it but I just get talked over and the subject immediately changed to something she wants to talk about.

I might get made redundant from work (Brexit related) and I'm really worried, no concern at all. Subject changed as per usual.
She's a leave voter, that's a whole other thread.

Yesterday she asked me something about work (rare) and I got the luxury of speaking for about 5 seconds before she butted in with some shite or other.

My husband just tells her he is not interested and walks away, I don't have that option. She very easily gets on her hind legs and would get upset. Never mind that my MH is suffering and sometime I cry through the frustration. (I'm not a cryer generally).

It's not an age thing. She's young for her age, fit and well with no dementia. It's always been this way for as long as I can remember. I just think I have become less tolerant. Now I know why my Dad was so quiet.

I have a brother but he lives far away. He doesn't know how lucky he is.

My husband just tells her he is not interested and walks away, I don't have that option.

Why not?

Poor OP. I have a relative a bit like this but not as bad as MIL. They tell me all about the roadworks on their route to work, all about Gemma in accounts cheating husband, what she had for lunch every day that week, the goings on on Coronation St even though I don’t watch it. Most of the time I sit there in a daze and let her chat while sipping my peppermint tea but my god it is draining.

No idea how to combat this OP. Let me know if you find the answer!

@chocolateavocado99
My MIL and FIL both do this. We are spending 3 weeks with them in August. Already getting nervous about it!
Paracetamols and soft silicone earplugs will be your friends.

Make sure you buy them some if their favourite reading matter, load some of their favourite soaps and/or films they might like on an iPad for them and ensure you pre-agree time away from each other. Link the iPad the main TV at your destination venue so they can watch on a larger screen.

If they/you like things like Bridge, cards or travel chess bring those too.

Good luck! 🙂

Mine talks me in a way that presumes I have asked her opinion on something when I haven’t! For example, Well, no-actually ‘DIL’, now you come to ask (I didn’t) I don’t like X at all-and I’ll tell you why. Then I get a 45 minute long diatribe as if I’d asked for her opinion on something (or more often someone) -it’s excruciating. It’s worse because DH doesn’t give a fuck and starts dozing off or playing in his phone so it’s all directed at me!

Try being married to it!

Good ideas..thanks Happy!

I will definitely be bringing my headphones and pretend I am doing a course that I need to listen to!

My fathers entire family are like this, with the added joy that they all speak at a billion decibels (so basically shout at each other with no one ever listening to anyone else). Once you’re away from them your ears are ringing like you’ve been somewhere noisy for ages. Also get the “you know him, what’s his name, his parents brothers carers used to live next door but one”. Find it’s best just to switch off and go mmm hmmm every so often.

It's not necessarily age; I have a friend exactly like this. She's not too bad in person and is a great friend when the chips are down but is a nightmare on the phone. She called me the other day and just talked constantly - I even walked away several times. She did ask a couple of times what was going on in my life so I deliberately said about the months of hospital appointments (dental hospital for a congenital condition) and waiting for a diagnosis (potential Inattentive ADHD) - neither set of appointments she knew about - and both times she just barrelled on with her monologue without any reaction.

It's as though she's permanently set to transmit and not receive.

@AlphaSigma
My husband just tells her he is not interested and walks away, I don't have that option. She very easily gets on her hind legs and would get upset. Never mind that my MH is suffering and sometime I cry through the frustration. (I'm not a cryer generally). Alpha. Your DH is looking after his own mental health- why wouldn't you? I know it's hard but you do need to find your own coping mechanism or you will sink and what good will that be for yourself AND your mother?

If, as it sounds, you're unable to get through to her verbally then write her a letter. Handwritten is best if you have clear writing- some older people are thrown by "official" looking documentation.

Put it all down there: be honest, be clear but be kind. She may very well be hurt that, in her mind, you were unable to say this to her face to face, but at least she will know and maybe that's the jolt she needs before things can improve.

You sound mentally worn out with worry so please be kind to yourself first (ie put your own "oxygen mask on first" so you are in a better position to help her) when that is necessary.

She may be old (and resistant to change) but she is still an adult. For your sake - as well as hers, maybe give that a try?

Also see if you can get some 1:1 counselling for yourself. Does your company have a counselling service - my last employers (large firms) did. It was called "Employee Assistance Programme) so see if they do that. And talk to your GP openly and see if they can offer help. Good luck OP.

Its a function of their personality. Very frustrating to be on the receiving end. Interesting insight from a poster above about it being a defence mechanism and not wanting to hear about your feelings.

From my own perspective, i remember that in my 2nd year of university, my mum phoned me up and did the usual 15 mins of talking at me. Then she asked me a question about what was going on at Uni. I was stunned as it was the first time she had ever asked me a question in my life. I still remember the feeling of shock.

@AlphaSigma Could you accompany you Mum to the Drs for an assessment for Dementia? I know you say its not but it doesn't sound right to me all that banging on about fish and chips etc. They can refer to the hospital and they will be able to tell you straight.
Sorry you are going through all this, I have it with the neighbour but its hard to ignore them totally if its your Mum.

@TooManyPaws
It's as though she's permanently set to transmit and not receive. that's it!! I'm so going to steal this phrase! 🤣🤣

If she talks over you then say in a loud clear voice "why did you ask me a question of you don't want to hear the answer?" Or you could tell her she does this. Some people just don't get the flow of a conversation she's probably completely oblivious. So either tell her she's doing it or find a way to be at peace with it.

You aren’t alone. My PIL’s are like this, it’s gotten to the point we only see them every 3 months (if that) because of it. DH has changed jobs 3 times in 5 years, they have no idea because they never ask anything about us. They know nothing about DD’s life, and she takes very little interest in them now too. We tried to tell them about a cottage (not flash) holiday we went on last half term, they literally change the subject half way through DH’s conversation, to something about them.

They are like it with everyone, so many family members have given up and stop contacting them now, and they don’t seem to have any friends. It’s really sad but entirely of their own doing.

The problem with people who like the sound of their own voice is that people do stop seeing them, because they lose the will to live when in their company, so the ones that are left get it even more.

My mother did this when she was drinking a lot... she’s not as bad now.

Try saying "can we talk about something else? I've heard this story."
You are given by conversational control to her but you don't have to.

*giving

I believe that some people genuinely like the sound of their own voices. We had a team leader at work who was like this, and he often repeated stories from when he worked in other firms which he clearly thought were his glory days but no one else was interested. It became quite a joke among colleagues. Unfortunately for him, it didn’t help his career and he was moved sideways as new, younger and more dynamic managers were recruited and teams/departments were restructured. In the end, he was ‘asked’ to take voluntary redundancy, which he did fortunately for everyone. No more “when I was at Companyname.....”

So I do sympathise.

@happynow001 Steal away! It's an old Navy phrase; so many of them are brilliant - I personally love Psychoceramic as an alternative for completely crackpot.😉😃

Me and DH have said both our mothers could’nt name our companies or job titles. They don’t care really.

Not a hope in hell of her taking a letter in any way but the worst.
Hell would freeze over before she let me go to the Drs to talk about dementia.

The fall out will be far worse than the situation as it is now.

Sadly I'm stuck with it.

My partner does this. He even tells me about events that he wasn't at but I was! It's like a button has been pushed and he has to complete his story even though: you need to tell him something urgent; you know what he's going to say because you've heard it umpteen billion times before; you're trying to shut him up because the person he's loudly talking about by name has come into the room; the waitress is waiting to take the dinner order and couldn't care less about how it "reminded me of when..."; he has the wrong end of the stick and is way off beam in his loudly voiced assumptions etc

He has no filter and is deaf to hints to shut up or accuses people of being rude by talking over him.