MIL on repeat, repeat, repeat

[HarrysOwl]

I genuinely love MIL.

She's a lovely person, really kind and welcoming. She never interferes, is only full of compliments and she wrote a lovely letter to me welcoming me to the family when DH & I got engaged.

The only thing that makes visiting her hard is her habit of repeating stories and being talked at. The stories are the same ones. Over and over. I can't express how torturing it is to be talked AT. She's been like this for 10 years.

I've tried:

1. saying 'I remember you saying this'
2. saying 'oh yes, you've told me a few times'
3. telling her the ending i.e. 'did you open the door and there he was, in a dress?' But she carries on regardless
4. changing the subject

Nothing has worked. She has a friend who is the same and they literally talk AT EACH OTHER, over each other. They stayed with us once. It was insane.

On the phone she's better, weirdly, and you can have a slightly more two sided conversation (it's still 80/20 her talking) but in person, honestly, it's 99/1 and I feel like an unwilling audience. I mind when it's new information - it's the repeated stories that make me want to eat my teeth.

She'll ask a question but then talk over you immediately. She'll tell you every teeny detail of her weekend in Weymouth but when we came back from our wedding (we eloped, but had it videod to show her) she couldn't muster enough attention to watch it, instead she talked about work. Poor DH was really, really hurt.

AIBU? She's such a lovely lady, it's just this aspect that put me (and DH!) off visiting her. I have to convince DH to come along, as he hates his mum talking over him and at him. His energy evaporates.

We're visiting her today.

Any advice? Happy to be flamed and I'll put my good-DIL hat on!

My late mother developed this tendency in her declining years. I became less exasperated when I realised I could seize the moment to carry out my pelvic floor exercises without risk of missing anything. Games on your phone, knitting and crosswords sound like good suggestions as well.
Just wait for the narrative to come around again, like a tube train on the Circle Line.

he was an ok dad when we were kids, he always was rather self-absorbed. Maybe a certain personality type does this as they get older

I wonder if you’re on to something here. My MIL has always been a bit of a princess (only child with endless wealthy uncles and aunts who very much put her on a pedestal) so she has always been very self absorbed, but the repeated stories are just dire now she’s a bit older. So bloody boring! She’s a clever lady as well which makes it such a shame.

My mum (who has all her marbles) asked me today how work is going. I retired nearly two years ago.
I told her today that her granddaughter is getting married in the summer.
Her reply "Oh...is she? That's nice. Did I tell you that (friend's name) is in hospital..." (goes into long story about person I've never met)

But she's always been like this. Some parents just lose interest in us once we're adults, I think.

My MIL is a nightmare. Narcissistic, selfish and self centred. She does this to the point where normally chilled and polite people have got up and walked away muttering an excuse.

I do think it is a personality trait of the self absorbed.

My mum does exactly this. Gentle hinting - "yes mum, you've told me" "yes, you said" doesn't work, and she's disabled with a stress-exacerbated condition so outright confrontation isn't an option. No advice, but loads of sympathy. It's very annoying. For me it's worse when she does it to other people, it's so embarrassing.

I married into a family that all did this. Everyone got great pleasure in hearing the same old stories every time they met. I made the mistake of mentioning that I had already heard some of the stories early on and they were scandalised by my rudeness.

😂Apparently I was very strange because the stories became more captivating with each repeat. I was very mistaken to find the opposite!

woollyheart omg then maybe it’s some kind of ritual for easily entertained people?

Gott im Himmel my mum had a slight tendency to this but some of these stories are beyond belief!! And so many of them!! I don't think there's any helping these people, they sound like it's the way they are and that's that. Sympathy to you all, it sounds intolerable!!

Tell her she needs to work on her destination memory.

www.liveabout.com/friends-who-constantly-repeat-themselves-1385501

My Mum does that too. She's getting on, and she lives on her own. She's one of two remaining of her generation, and the other one can no longer talk. She has no one to share these stories with now, and I can understand her often wanting to live in the past, rather than the now.

Where once she read the paper for the births and marriages, now it's the deaths.

I can talk with her for an hour free, as often as I want, and I try to do it 2-3 times a week.

I'm lucky, I have the time. It must truly suck, getting old.

My is just like this. She is also completely deaf in one ear. She even tells me stories about things that happened when I was there!!

OP, my gran was the same. It turned out to be the onset of dementia. Nothing to be done really, just smile and nod... my sympathies though.

My parents are repeaters.

My mum is a particularly bad talker overer. It’s boring and draining trying to look interested by a conversation you a) have no part in and b) have heard 1000 times. I just avoid talking to them as much as possible now.

I started back to work recently after 14 years as a SAHM and they’ve managed to ask me almost nothing about it (in fact my mum forgot that I was working now, when I spoke to her about visiting over Easter). It’s narcissism in them although I don’t think that is always the case.

You have my sympathy though.

My MIL was the same. She came to look after DCs as I was in labour, as DH was packing to go to hospital I was downstairs turning lights off whilst having mega contractions (DC was born hour after). She turned all the lights on and was talking at me about the house renovations her neighbour was doing. I ended up hiding in the car as I just couldn't cope.

She had had a tough start in life and so I think always felt she had to make herself be heard, no malice but was hard. DH does it sometimes but she used to drive him mad with it too so I can point it out to him.

patient
"Doctor! Doctor! I need talking therapy!"
Doctor
"Actually you need over-talking therapy!"

Pepperpot!

this is a game where you are only allowed to talk if you are holding the pepperpot. Fun to play with children who interrupt!

My DM lasted all of 3 minutes before she refused to respect the boundary!

Sadly this condition - over-talking - is often passed on to the next generation as important conversational cues are not picked up by children that have been neglected.
It may be that Over-talkers are not used to being listened to - they have learnt that they have to repeat many times before they are heard.

Understanding it does not make it easier to tolerate!

@dictionarycorners Ifeel you're pain! You e just described my MiL to a tee.

So I'm home - feeling rather drained, but glad we made the effort (I think...)

Silently played Repeat Bingo in my head - there were seven repeated stories. And the longest monologue lasted over 40 minutes. I managed to get about three or four sentences in. DH didn't. She's worse with him, maybe because he's the youngest of her kids, I don't know. She never talks over her eldest son.

DH said we're not going back again (he really tried hard this afternoon to tell her about something but she just talked over him again, I find it hard as it's not my place to tell her she's hurt his feelings) but he'll feel better in a few days.

Thanks for those with sympathy! I kept in mind today I'm not alone, throughout my smiling and nodding. There are far worse things in life. Just feel sad for DH.

Definitely write to her!

It may be that Over-talkers are not used to being listened to - they have learnt that they have to repeat many times before they are heard

I have a lovely friend who has a terrible habit of talking over the top of me but she has five sisters and they are all very vocal and talk over each other constantly, I think it’s a learned behaviour from childhood for some people.

Yanbu op. I feel your pain.

My mum is like this. She will happily drone on about some random person's life who I have never met but completely ignores me if I try to make conversation . She tells the same mind numbing stories over and over again.

She's not at all old or unwell, she just doesn't have any interest in me or anything I have to say. I guarantee she couldn't tell you anything about my interests, job, likes/dislikes or anything else. I could tell you every mundane detail about her and 50 billion of her work colleagues and distant acquaintances.

It's exasperating and hurtful that she takes no interest in my life and never listens to me. She is most definitely not a lovely person... I have now given up even trying to have a conversation with her.

DH said we're not going back again (he really tried hard this afternoon to tell her about something but she just talked over him again, I find it hard as it's not my place to tell her she's hurt his feelings) but he'll feel better in a few days.

This sounds exactly like my experience - I am your DH in my situation. I feel for him it's bloody horrible and really wears you down.

My MIL is exactly the same. I spend most of my time with her trying to avoid the trigger words that initiate one of her stories. Unfortunately there are so many now.

If I hear one more time about the couple she met on a campsite in France.... (can’t mention beans, France, camping or sunburn)

Yes! I have found my people.

MIL does this, despite indeed being lovely. I will also say that she is not some pitiable old lady - she is only in her 60s, has an active social life and frequently travels abroad.

I have a friend who talks (stories of victimhood, monad about pt work etc.) at me endlessly. She also uses people’s names assuming I’ll know who they are e.g. Tricia (someone in her office). I would never ever presume someone would know everyone I was talking out.
If I interject in the gaps, I may as well not have spoken. If I try to speak briefly, she looks at me as if I’m monopolising the conversation and as if I’m really starting to bore her.

Omg, I've had over 20 years of this. The same stories on a loop. It is relentless, this thread has made me snigger, lots of similar experiences.