MIL on repeat, repeat, repeat

[HarrysOwl]

I genuinely love MIL.

She's a lovely person, really kind and welcoming. She never interferes, is only full of compliments and she wrote a lovely letter to me welcoming me to the family when DH & I got engaged.

The only thing that makes visiting her hard is her habit of repeating stories and being talked at. The stories are the same ones. Over and over. I can't express how torturing it is to be talked AT. She's been like this for 10 years.

I've tried:

1. saying 'I remember you saying this'
2. saying 'oh yes, you've told me a few times'
3. telling her the ending i.e. 'did you open the door and there he was, in a dress?' But she carries on regardless
4. changing the subject

Nothing has worked. She has a friend who is the same and they literally talk AT EACH OTHER, over each other. They stayed with us once. It was insane.

On the phone she's better, weirdly, and you can have a slightly more two sided conversation (it's still 80/20 her talking) but in person, honestly, it's 99/1 and I feel like an unwilling audience. I mind when it's new information - it's the repeated stories that make me want to eat my teeth.

She'll ask a question but then talk over you immediately. She'll tell you every teeny detail of her weekend in Weymouth but when we came back from our wedding (we eloped, but had it videod to show her) she couldn't muster enough attention to watch it, instead she talked about work. Poor DH was really, really hurt.

AIBU? She's such a lovely lady, it's just this aspect that put me (and DH!) off visiting her. I have to convince DH to come along, as he hates his mum talking over him and at him. His energy evaporates.

We're visiting her today.

Any advice? Happy to be flamed and I'll put my good-DIL hat on!

This happens with old age quite often. Repetition of stories time after time.

Not only repetition, but they tell long winded stories and take ages to get to the point.

I think k it must be sleep deprivation but I'm finding quotes on MN today utterly hysterical. 'I think I just be quite irritating sums me up perfectly.

God I’m sorry but I am utterly raging that some poor woman had the presence of mind to realise she might do this and asked for help and her children just dismissed her concerns.

Going back to the OP, I too am curious, like a PP to know if OP’s DH told his mother how hurt he was over her lack of interest in the wedding video/wedding stories and how she responded?

Jessie it was the beginning of dementia.

My MIL is like this - I have a feeling that she does it to prove to herself that she can still remember. She can't just tell you a bit of something, like what she ate at the cafe - in order to remember it, she has to start at leaving the house, meeting friend, friend telling her all sorts of things, etc etc etc until she gets to the point.

Talk about a shaggy dog story.

I feel your pain, we once had DH aunt kindly put us up for 6 months but OMG it was painful. On..and on... and on... and on...and on.... longest 6 months of my life listening to the same stories over and over again.

Take up a hobby like knitting, and sit there knitting while you listen to her. At least you'll get something productive done....

My mother is exactly like this too, always has been but it’s got worse over the years! I’ve had important things I wanted or needed to talk to her about but I won’t even get to the end of sentence before something I’ve said sets her off on a lengthy monologue of something I’ve heard 100 times before.

I get to hear about all her friends illnesses and their husbands too even though I’ve never met them (she will also insist that I do know them, and spend ages explaining ‘well you remember so-and-so, his wife’s brothers friend that he bloke next door used to work with 20 years ago, him) I never know these people.

It grates. I’m essentially not allowed to speak. I’ve learned to keep myself busy so she can jabber away and I’m nodding and smiling along whilst getting something done and not going insane just sitting there listening.

My mother used to do this. She did have some funny stories, but what made it funnier was that she embellished or changed them slightly with each telling. We used to tease her saying 'oh, that was a different ending to last time you told it'. She ignored us though.
It can certainly be a sign of early dementia though.

Thebatmother that was a fairly important detail to have missed out of your post, particularly as you framed it as a family trait not a specific illness. I am sorry for my extreme reaction but I have an acute fear of being patronised when I get old and plan to be very specific with my family well in advance about how I’d like to be treated (this importantly includes not letting me become a burden or assuming my care themselves, however much I might protest at the time). Touched a nerve I’m afraid.

We have this with the NDN whos in her 70s, she has no idea how to have a conversation and instead just talks at you for hours and hours. She has a very supportive family so they can listen to it all I'm not doing it as I have my own worries.
She talks continually about her brothers health problems and all about his hospital appointments etc. I cant cope with it and now just say the very bare minimum and wont give her eye contact etc unless necessary.I think its mental decline myself, but I have known people much younger who just talk at you. I wont put up with it.

Hide your phone in your bra and plug in the wireless earphones. Then you can nod attentively whilst listening to Tub Thumping or Just a Minute.

My lovely mother-in-law does this. I think they’re stories she loves and that she likes to actually tell out loud, so I indulge her completely, even though it’s boring. My teenage son and 20-something nephews are devils though and have a running joke between themselves where they “guess” what happens next then act really surprised. She sometimes realises they’re joking about and takes it with very lovely good nature. The other thing they do is say “Oh Grandma did you tell Grandson A about that time such and such happened? It’s a brilliant story!” Then walk out of the room leaving Grandson A stuck with the long story 😂.

Interestingly, I find myself repeating stories to different family members . When I realise I have done so I am embarrassed. One daughter cuts me off with a " you told me this already" and the other lets it go with tolerance. I know which I prefer. In fact I read a poem once about an aging mothers plea to her children to let her repeat without rebuke. It was quite moving. Lives are so different when you are caught up in the busy-ness of bringing up your children, jobs and life between 20 and 50. When your children have left home and you retire, the world shrinks.

It's happening to me too. Yesterday I told a friend about a dinner I had a year ago. Forgetting that she was at the dinner.

But the last sentence of that quote is key. When your world shrinks and nothing much happens in your life, what do you talk about? You want to communicate with your family, and all that there is is old recollections and stories. If all you've done sonce you last saw them is go to the supermarket, what else do you have to tell them about your life than how much the price of tomatoes has gone up?

I agree that some older people lose interest in other people's lives, and that does hurt. But it remains that it's difficult to have stimulating conversation when your life has shrunk and a lot of your friends have died.

Sorry Jessie I should have been clear about that. With my DGF it was a trait but with my DGM and DM it was one of the first signs of dementia. I also have a real fear of becoming demented and have filled in and had signed the Advance Directive form from Compassion In Dying to make known my wishes in case I do suffer from impaired capacity for whatever reason.

My MIL is exactly the same - I could have written your OP word for word!! I have also had her follow me to the loo and stand outside the bathroom door trying to finish a tale off 🙄

My MIL is so kind and generous that I feel guilty about not wanting to send time with her due to this issue. No real advice but reading thread with interest.......

Ps My DH and I also eloped...are you actually me 😂

thebatmother

One more question - is she intelligent? Because she sounds like she has nothing to say really That's a horrible thing to say. This will be you one day, if you live to old age. I hope your relatives are kinder than you are!

Confusedbeetle, I agree with you 100%. When my nan finished work at the age of 91 she mainly repeated stories of the past that we'd heard hundreds of times before because her world had shrunk. Most of the time I didn't say anything, but some times I did. And I regret it! Because I can understand now, the past was all she had to talk about. At least I know I will try harder with my mum when she gets like it.

Both my DPs and DPILs can be like this to an extent, but to be fair it's only in certain circumstances. When my DF goes on I can say 'Dad, you're monologuing again' and he doesn't mind. My DM would be awfully hurt though, so I just let her finish. It is rather grating when it's about something that originally happened to me, but with the details changed to make it about her .

Yep, we have one of those too. SIL.

No advice to offer - but if anyone knows a cure me and DH would be very grateful.

My MIL is exactly like this. It’s a running joke in the family that she just talks and never listens but it’s very annoying.

She phones my partner and just launches into stories. He’s lucky if he gets 2 words in.

She’s also the same with the repeated stories I’ve heard about 6 times before!

But like yours she is lovely too. Although I’m going on mat leave soon and worried I won’t get rid of her since she’s retired and doesn’t like staying in the house!

I have also had her follow me to the loo and stand outside the bathroom door trying to finish a tale off. My DM hasn't got there yet but I'd have no hesitation in putting a stop to that. I used to have a lodger who'd follow me round the house talking and tried to follow me INTO the bathroom ...

My Mum has always been like this to some degree and has only got worse. There is no conversation ever, you are talked at. She is the same with all of us children. When she does ask anything about you, you are lucky to get past the first sentence before she cuts over you usually changing the subject. This is the same whether you are in person or on the phone. If any of us are ill, 4 surgeries between us in last few years, 2 quite serious she has always brought the conversation round to her not being well recently during any discussions (nothing worse than a cold in over 5 yrs). If one of us talks about our child when asked she will cut over and start talking about how amazing one of the other children in the family are doing. She will never praise directly.
You also cannot watch anything on TV with her, ever, because she will talk all the way through it.

My MIL and FIL both do this. We are spending 3 weeks with them in August. Already getting nervous about it!