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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband about me working...

105 replies

brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:25

After a long time at home, I've started a part time job in the charity sector. Only two full days, and currently on a contract that runs out in July.

DH, who to me seemed keen on me working, and who has always worked full time (and whose salary is more than 5 x of mine!), has now objected to me trying to find a permanent part-time position - unless I found one that enabled me to pick up the DC (aged 9 and nearly 11) up at 3 and to not work during the school holidays.

He says he feels strongly about the DC not being left in a childcare setting, and told me that if I accepted a permanent position, he 'would do something'. Quite what he didn't specify, but he said that if I wanted to work full-time, he would resign, so that someone is there for the DC.

AIBU to think 1) He is being hugely dramatic and 2) He is trying to undermine my chances of independence?

He said: "It doesn't matter what you think, this is how I feel!"

Any opinions?

OP posts:
Starfish28 · 05/04/2019 20:27

Your kids are 9 and nearly 11? He is being ridiculous. They do not need someone to pick them up at 3. Is he always this controlling?

Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:29

And it's only two days!! I'm not off to Borneo until Christmas!!

OP posts:
Alijane46 · 05/04/2019 20:29

I think he is being massively unreasonable. They’re 9 & 11 for goodness sake. Quite capable of going to an after school club two days per week!

He sounds controlling! By saying “it doesn’t matter what you think” to me says you , your thoughts and opinions don’t count in this relationship.

Stand up to him, you be the one doing something!

honeylulu · 05/04/2019 20:30

He's calling your bluff. Of course he won't resign!

Fiveredbricks · 05/04/2019 20:30

Tell him to resign then. Or to go part time himself. The arrogant prick.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2019 20:31

Your children are 9 and 11? Is your husband always such a bellend?

RippleEffects · 05/04/2019 20:32

Ouch.

It sounds like how you interpret your roles is rather far apart.

It'd be good to get a list of your DH's priorities and one of your needs then see how they can both be fulfilled.

Could he finish early one day a week to do collection, is there a possibility of a school hours job or him doing the am school run so you can do an early shift role and be finished by pm school run.

honeylulu · 05/04/2019 20:33

He sounds controlling! By saying “it doesn’t matter what you think” to me says you , your thoughts and opinions don’t count in this relationship

But his feelings and thoughts do ... He thinks he's better than you.

Well that's nice isn't it?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2019 20:33

I think you're finally starting to see your husband's true colours. The only place he wants you is under his thumb.

Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:33

Yes, if I get offered a permanent position, I will definitely take it.

I've asked him what jobs he had in mind that match his criteria, and he couldn't think of any - "I don't know!!!"

It just absolutely boggles my mind how this setup would be unreasonable.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 05/04/2019 20:34

Well they do need somebody to be at home when they come home of course. However there are after school clubs if your school offers it.

Speaking from experience, holiday care provision is difficult and expensive in the holidays and my Dp has had to not work in the holidays to be home for dd. Now 13 she can do a mix of home alone, clubs and dp but still not fair for her to be alone all week so he works around this.

But YANBU he is being a twat about it.

RandomMess · 05/04/2019 20:34

He's misogynistic and doesn't want to do any of the "wifework" to be absolved of all parental and domestic duties so he can suit himself.

Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:37

Childminder, holiday club or babysitter are all possibilities during the holidays, there is quite a lot on offer where we are.

It is expensive - but I'm currently paying for the childcare out of my small salary.

OP posts:
ToManderleyAgain · 05/04/2019 20:39

You could remind him that it is actually beneficial to your DC to have a working mother as a role model: www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/24/having-a-working-mother-works-for-daughters

EEELA · 05/04/2019 20:39

Goodness he's definitely BU!

Am I correct in inferring that you don't have shared money? It's awful of him to expect you not to work even more so than if you did

ErrolTheDragon · 05/04/2019 20:40

he 'would do something'

Unless that 'something' is 'find a solution to structural sexism', he's being incredibly chauvinistic.

It is expensive - but I'm currently paying for the childcare out of my small salary.

Why? Why is childcare deemed your responsibility? They're his kids too.

honeylulu · 05/04/2019 20:41

It is expensive - but I'm currently paying for the childcare out of my small salary

WTF? Why are you not paying proportionately? Why are the children your sole problem in every way?

I hate the cunt even more now.

CoffeeRunner · 05/04/2019 20:41

He is a knob. Or behaving like one on this issue anyway.

He has absolutely no right to stop you from getting a job if you want one. He also has to pay for at least half of the childcare costs. It is not your sole responsibility!

Bananalanacake · 05/04/2019 20:43

why are you paying for childcare when he earns 5 times more than you.
And I was walking home from school alone when I was 7.

TheoriginalLEM · 05/04/2019 20:43

You are paying for childcare when he earns 5x your salary?? Fuck that.

Mascarponeandwine · 05/04/2019 20:43

Are they currently going to after school club? Cant they just continue?

mindutopia · 05/04/2019 20:46

By “do something” he should be sorting out childcare, you mean!

No that’s ridiculous. My dh is a high earner. He runs a very successful business. He still picks up our dc at 3 on his 3 days a week when I work longer days, does all the mornings when I leave early for work, does the food shopping as needed, does homework time. Just like I do the other days. He’s being a controlling jerk.

Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:47

That's what occurred to me recently - why do I have to pay for the childcare?

I have to admit, however, that I have kept my earnings so far and only paid for childcare, my travel costs and personal expenses. Simply because the position is time limited, and I'd like to keep some money for emergencies.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:48

DH is very concerned about the holidays - DC are currently going to the after school club, and a childminder.

I've also had to have childcare prior to the job, when I went on training courses.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:49

I just cannot accept to be told not to take an ordinary part-time job!

OP posts:
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