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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband about me working...

105 replies

brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:25

After a long time at home, I've started a part time job in the charity sector. Only two full days, and currently on a contract that runs out in July.

DH, who to me seemed keen on me working, and who has always worked full time (and whose salary is more than 5 x of mine!), has now objected to me trying to find a permanent part-time position - unless I found one that enabled me to pick up the DC (aged 9 and nearly 11) up at 3 and to not work during the school holidays.

He says he feels strongly about the DC not being left in a childcare setting, and told me that if I accepted a permanent position, he 'would do something'. Quite what he didn't specify, but he said that if I wanted to work full-time, he would resign, so that someone is there for the DC.

AIBU to think 1) He is being hugely dramatic and 2) He is trying to undermine my chances of independence?

He said: "It doesn't matter what you think, this is how I feel!"

Any opinions?

OP posts:
Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 22:00

Well, I was volunteering for quite a while, and he kept asking 'well, will they ever pay you?'

He is also always concerned about the money.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 05/04/2019 22:01

Errmm, he sounds v controlling and frankly a bit scary - and very like my Ex so I totally accept I may have an issue there. He is also a major drama queen by the sound of it. I would genuinely consider leaving if you can

moomoomummy · 05/04/2019 22:02

I am curious to know whether you are both educated to the same level. If you went to university , your situation goes from bad to very bad because what sort of message does that give your children? Its ok to encourage your kids to do as well as they can at school but if you happen to be female, you must just give it all up when you have kids. Good luck.Be Strong.

kiki22 · 05/04/2019 22:04

How dare he! He just doesn't want to lose his house keeper and have to actually be a fully functional adult and parent. You are not a stepford robot.

Drogosnextwife · 05/04/2019 22:06

He is being a fucking dickhead!
What is it he find so awful about a 9 and 11 year old in childcare for a few hours a week!

Bambamber · 05/04/2019 22:07

He literally told you he doesn't care what you think? Wow.

Drogosnextwife · 05/04/2019 22:08

Ask him if he is going to start paying you a wage for the childcare and house keeper services you provide him every day!

Frouby · 05/04/2019 22:09

Just tell him it's your turn to work. 1k a month on 2 days will be 52k a year ft, which is near as damn it what he earns, especially if he takes a part time, term time only job.

househuntingforever · 05/04/2019 22:09

I work in a charity part time too now as my husband refused to give me any money when I was a SAHM.

Your husband sounds like a horrible man, bit like mine. It has really ruined what I think of him and it feels like he is so unsupportive in everything. Even when I worked full time he wouldn't take time off to help with the kids if I had onsite meetings. He would say my job wasn't as important as his as he earns about 6/7 times what I make a month.

It's so pathetic.

ReallyReallyNo · 05/04/2019 22:09

Why is he so bothered about who looks after the children that he shows no interest in? It’s not about the kids at all, it’s about making you do what he wants and says and to stamp out any ideas above your station that what you want/think matters.
Your husband is a pig.

househuntingforever · 05/04/2019 22:10

Tell him to go ahead and be a stay at home dad. Bet you anything he won't resign!

ReallyReallyNo · 05/04/2019 22:11

I reckon he’s got the fear. He’s imagining you with a life outside the home, new colleagues and friends things going on that he’s not a part of. It will divert attention away from him and his needs.

househuntingforever · 05/04/2019 22:12

Exactly. No one to do the housework and cook his meals.
Go and do what you want. He will have to get over it.
You deserve a life too!!

Babdoc · 05/04/2019 22:14

Absolutely agree with all the PPs who say that he’s an arsehole. You need to renegotiate the basis of your entire relationship or divorce him.
As regards the DC - your 11 year old will be in secondary school this autumn, presumably? Why on earth does your husband think kids that age need childcare? Mine were home alone after school for 2 hours every day from when the elder was 9 and the younger 8. They managed fine.

OhamIreally · 05/04/2019 22:14

Househunting it is. Mine said exactly the same even though I earned more than him.

Penis = more important.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 05/04/2019 22:16

This guy must be seriously good in bed 😂😂

Acis · 05/04/2019 22:17

Find an activity that takes up a large chunk of Saturdays or Sundays, then tell him that as he's so keen on being there for the children you're leaving him in charge.

Applesbananaspears · 05/04/2019 22:17

DH is very concerned about the holidays - DC are currently going to the after school club, and a childminder.

They can go to camp, grandma, friends two days a week or he could take some leave himself to look after them. He needs to get a grip

Redorangeyellowgreen · 05/04/2019 22:18

Your kids are 9 and 11 and it only just occurred to you that paying for childcare isn't your sole responsibility...

Original poster
brightnearly · 05/04/2019 22:19

So - it's under £1000 a month part time. Full time it's around £22000. But it's very valuable experience and knowledge I'm gaining, and that I can build on.

And I'm really, really enjoying it.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 05/04/2019 22:21

And I'm really, really enjoying it

This^ matters, really matters op he should be delighted for you and supporting you.

He is not your boss
He does not get to dictate or threaten
Does he think he is God????

OhamIreally · 05/04/2019 22:21

Fantastic. You don't need his permission. Go for it.

househuntingforever · 05/04/2019 22:26

OhamIreally men are such arseholes.

Sorry, I'm really bad at using the phone chat and can't work out how to reply to a specific person!

OP sounds like your job is very similar to mine. If you enjoy it so much just get out and carry on enjoying it. He should really be helping with childcare costs. Tight git!

MitziK · 05/04/2019 22:26

Look on the bright side - if his 'doing something' is threatening to leave you, the first thing you can do is get yourself a permanent, fulltime job and use his significant CMS payments to pay for after school and holiday childcare.

KataraJean · 05/04/2019 22:30

He cannot stop you looking for a permanent part-time position.
The best thing you can do is find yourself a role you enjoy and also sort out the childcare so that you are self-sufficient. That way, if he carries on being controlling and you decide that the marriage is not for you, you have everything in place to manage without him.
Do not let him stop you living your life to your fullest potential.

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