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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband about me working...

105 replies

brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:25

After a long time at home, I've started a part time job in the charity sector. Only two full days, and currently on a contract that runs out in July.

DH, who to me seemed keen on me working, and who has always worked full time (and whose salary is more than 5 x of mine!), has now objected to me trying to find a permanent part-time position - unless I found one that enabled me to pick up the DC (aged 9 and nearly 11) up at 3 and to not work during the school holidays.

He says he feels strongly about the DC not being left in a childcare setting, and told me that if I accepted a permanent position, he 'would do something'. Quite what he didn't specify, but he said that if I wanted to work full-time, he would resign, so that someone is there for the DC.

AIBU to think 1) He is being hugely dramatic and 2) He is trying to undermine my chances of independence?

He said: "It doesn't matter what you think, this is how I feel!"

Any opinions?

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 05/04/2019 22:33

God, how do people stay with men like this? He sounds awful.

I think I'd call his bluff in your situation and ask him to resign/go part time so that you can work. If he feels that strongly about not putting the children into childcare, I'm sure he'll get used to living on your lower income.

Londonmummy66 · 05/04/2019 22:44

He is also always concerned about the money.

Well he won't be resigning then will he - call his bluff and go ahead and do what you want. As he has made it so clear that he is only thinking about his opinion and not giving a stuff about yours there is really no reason for you to waste headspace worrying about his is there?

Sunonthepatio · 05/04/2019 22:46

Your DH is a snit (but an adult should pick up a 9 yr old).

kateandme · 05/04/2019 22:56

lay out his lifestyle and ask him how he thinks you will live In the style you all do if he resigns.

TheCanyon · 05/04/2019 23:31

And I'm really, really enjoying it.

Good, and in that case try get yourself a full time position there.

brigghouse · 05/04/2019 23:35

Might he come around ? Is he just being melodramatic!

Original poster

brightnearly · 06/04/2019 08:12

Of course I'm picking the children up - but on two days not at 3, but at 6 from a childcare setting.

I just think it's completely bonkers of him, and judging by the thread it sounds as if it actually is difficult to sympathise with his point of view...

OP posts:

funnystory · 06/04/2019 08:23

He's got used to your job being to do everything for the children and he's probably very rarely had to do much of the day to day parenting. And I'm guessing that he's been used to that traditional set up of the mother staying at home in his own childhood.

You returning to work has so many benefits for your family, especially if you're enjoying it, I personally found that my mental heath improved vastly when I went back to work.

Stick to your guns and if he has a burning desire to find a job for himself that allows him to pick the kids up from school every day and have all school holidays off, then let him go for it. I think he'll soon change his mind.

RandomMess · 06/04/2019 09:14

He is a "good" earner and the wife and kids are good for his work image but he doesn't want any of the work.

MajesticWhine · 06/04/2019 09:57

It think the threat to quit his job is an empty one and an attempt at controlling you and getting his way. The kids are not babies. They will be just fine. Get the extra help you need in the holidays. It will be worth it even if your net gain financially is not much.

KataraJean · 06/04/2019 10:15

It is difficult to sympathise with his point of view, yes.

Happyspud · 06/04/2019 10:17

Jesus, who does he think he is! It’s not acceptable for him to tie you to the house like this.

Ihatehashtags · 06/04/2019 12:21

Oh so he wants the extra money, but also wants you to keep doing everything like you don’t work, and for his life not to change! Sounds great.....for him!! What an arsehole.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 06/04/2019 12:26

I must admit I would go nuclear and get a full-time job, as I wouldn't be having someone say I couldn't.

My mum wasn't allowed to work and it niggled away with a host of other control issues. Very coercive, now I know more.

PregnantSea · 06/04/2019 13:08

Woah! That's a bit much. Your DH is being a total arse.

I'd absolutely call his bluff! Say "ok, I'm surprised to hear you say you want to quit your job, but if you really want to then I support your decision. I'll go full time. We'll have to cut back a lot and sell the house but it will be worth it for you to have this time with the DCs that you are so keen on. They are only little for so long"

Smile sweetly. Watch his reaction very carefully. It tells you everything that you need to know about the future of your marriage. (And NOTHING about the future of your career, because you can do whatever the fuck you want OP, with or without his "blessing")

nordicwannabe · 06/04/2019 14:13

Do you love your husband and want to be with him?

If so, then you really need to talk about it sensibly together: discuss what's important to each of you, and what your options are as a family.

If not, and you plan to separate, then get some advice sooner rather than later. As it stands, you would probably get residence of your children and possibly also spousal maintenance. That could all change if you get a full-time job and he quits his (he could then argue that he is your children's main carer).

timeisnotaline · 06/04/2019 14:24

Personally I’d say ‘how would you know what’s good for the kids, I’m not sure you could pick them out of lineup. But if you want to get to know them better, by all means quit your job. Whatever you decide, I’m not your property or your servant, I’m a fabulous mum and I am getting a job like many other fabulous mums do’

Meandwinealone · 06/04/2019 14:58

Does he only value you as a housekeeper.
Because it sounds that way.
Do you understand how NOT normal this relationship is?

Pa1oma · 06/04/2019 15:10

OP, I can relate to your situation because my DH has said very similar to me. He’s said he doesn’t want his DC in childcare, I’m their mum and they should be with me. He said he wouldn’t have married or had DC with a woman who was insistent on putting her work before her family. He says his job is to financially provide so that I can focus in the kids because this is best for the family.

So the upshot is, I haven’t worked in 16 years. HOWEVER, the only reason for this is that, if I’m absolutely honest, I didn’t want to not be there for the DC after school either. I find it difficult to “hand over”. Also, DH works crazy hours and travels a lot so felt someone had to be there for stability and to make life more simple.

I don’t know what wouid have happened if I had felt differently though.

I think if you do get a permanent contract, you should “just do something” like tell him your mental health is so much better etc etc as a result of the job. “Happy mum equals happier kids,” that kind of thing. Get the kids on side if they are happy with the after school arrangements?

Also, can I ask, why are you paying for childcare out if “your” money? Do you have separate finances? What I can tell you is that I wouid NEVER have been a SAHM to a man who didn’t share all finances. If he’s one of these “my money, your money” types, I would be looking for a full-time post for sure.

Sitdownstandup · 06/04/2019 16:23

If he were so concerned about the money, he'd want you to continue working, because it makes so much financial sense for both partners to use their full personal allowance. You're keeping nearly 100% of your earnings at the moment. A couple of days a week on a reasonable wage gives you a very good return on your time.

WhiteWine4TheLady · 06/04/2019 16:32

I don’t believe for a minute this is about him being unhappy with your DC being in childcare. That’s his excuse, which conveniently portrays him as doting family man and pulls at your ‘mum guilt’ heart strings.

He doesn’t want to lose control of you. He can see the glimpse of a future where you have a career, a good salary, a life away from him and the DC - and he doesn’t like it.

What does that say about him as a person? He’s coming out of this looking like a nasty piece of work.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2019 19:26

This is a man who knows, deep down, that you are as clever as him, if not cleverer, and hates it, because there's something offensive to him in the idea that having a penis does not make him your superior. So he's going to resent any opportunity you have to earn money, be valued for your workplace skills, have a social life and be anything more than his housekeeper and breeding animal.
Be calm, be civil to him, do what you want and need to do and make him less and less relevant until you're in a good position to end the marriage. Unless the fucker ups the control level to something unacceptable eg abuse of some sort, in which case chuck him out.

peanutbutterandbanana · 06/04/2019 19:42

The longer you are out of the workplace the harder it is to get back in so the fact that you have got your foot in the door after 12 years out of the workplace is a real achievement. I advise any young woman I meet to keep their career dribbling along as much as they can during those tough 'early' years, even if childcare eats a lot of their income up. It enables women to have real freedom when the DCs eventually move away, as they will because their skills will be current.

I also believe it is good for DCs to gain experience of having to be self sufficient, whether that's being in an after school club or being home alone (when older). Everything they do is teaching them something and by you working it teaches them that yes, women work!

And yes, your DH is an arse. Let him give up his well-paid job if he is so sure that your DCs need him on those two days a week. I doubt whether he will as he knows in his heart how difficult well paid part time jobs are to find. Good luck OP.

madcatladyforever · 06/04/2019 19:45

The only thing I can think of that would fulfil this criteria is teaching assistant. I can't comment on the dynamics ofor your relationship.

Sitdownstandup · 06/04/2019 20:46

Most TAs would need to use some wraparound care during term time. Usual hours are 8.30 to 4 or thereabouts, I think.

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