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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband about me working...

105 replies

brightnearly · 05/04/2019 20:25

After a long time at home, I've started a part time job in the charity sector. Only two full days, and currently on a contract that runs out in July.

DH, who to me seemed keen on me working, and who has always worked full time (and whose salary is more than 5 x of mine!), has now objected to me trying to find a permanent part-time position - unless I found one that enabled me to pick up the DC (aged 9 and nearly 11) up at 3 and to not work during the school holidays.

He says he feels strongly about the DC not being left in a childcare setting, and told me that if I accepted a permanent position, he 'would do something'. Quite what he didn't specify, but he said that if I wanted to work full-time, he would resign, so that someone is there for the DC.

AIBU to think 1) He is being hugely dramatic and 2) He is trying to undermine my chances of independence?

He said: "It doesn't matter what you think, this is how I feel!"

Any opinions?

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 05/04/2019 20:52

I just cannot accept to be told not to take an ordinary part-time job!

I should think not. A husband is supposed to be a partner, someone who can discuss things with you and work out solutions, not a master who tells you what you can and cannot do.

SilverySurfer · 05/04/2019 20:54

I hope there is a positive side to this arrogant arsehole. If I were you I would be looking for a full time permanent job and tell him drop off/pick ups are all his.

EvaHarknessRose · 05/04/2019 20:59

They will enjoy sports camp type days in the holidays or you can swap favours by having their friends over. They will also enjoy their father flexing his work days or wfh so he can cover pick ups, and using his annual leave to cover your working days.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/04/2019 21:00

This is beyond ridiculous. If your kids were very young and he had a job where he worked away or something I could possibly see his point - it would be expensive, and there are some studies that show it's a bit stressful for under 2s to be in childcare for long days.

However they are plenty old enough not to need to be with you all the time out of school, I've never heard of childcare at those ages being damaging in any way.

So no childcare is his choice, but he wants you to take on all the sacrifices to make this happen? Without compromising at all? And he's actually told you your wants and needs are not important? Has he got a job where he could work from home sometimes, do condensed hours, leave early occasionally etc?

I assume there are no issues with your kids that make childcare difficult or they've not been having meltdowns at the thought of you not picking them up at 3?

Does he know that 2 out of 3 mums work? Most kids will have some form of childcare at some point. I'd call his bluff. There are 4 people in this family, I think youd kids are likely to be fine either way, so really hes just crushing your right to a life outside the home because it makes life easier for him, he doesn't actually care about the impact on the family as a whole

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2019 21:00

Be prepared for things to get worse. This man is a misogynist. He thinks that you are his wife in the sense that you are his property, a cross between a domestic animal and a vacuum cleaner. He doesn't want you to have a proper job - he might like the idea of you having a 'little' job to bring in a bit more money, but nothing that will involve you being treated with respect, because he thinks that would undermine his Mighty Penis. So he will try to tell you what to do and, when that doesn't work, he will try to sabotage your career. It's good that you are already stashing money: you may have to kick him out if his resentment tips over into harmful behaviur.

BIWI · 05/04/2019 21:02

Is he your dad?! How dare he make such pronouncements about what you are or could be doing!

GillianUsedToLiveHere · 05/04/2019 21:08

You need to look into the childcare available to you in the holidays though especially when your child hits secondary school.

Most people I know have no choice but to leave an 11 year old home alone for the whole week. No job offers 13 weeks holiday unless you are a teacher or do term time work only.

My two sons are 16 and 13 but I have always been a SAHM. They have done sports clubs etc but didn't want to do that as they got older or any other clubs so wanted to be home.

claireblueskies · 05/04/2019 21:13

You don't say how much you both earn (or least, if you did, I missed it) but would it be an option for you both to work part term permanently? It's less of a toys-out-of-the-pram reaction than resigning outright.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/04/2019 21:14

Tell him to fuck off. You have enabled him to have his career for over 12 years and now, if you want it, it is your turn to have that freedom.
Good luck!

Original poster

brightnearly · 05/04/2019 21:15

He earns way over 50k, and I get under £1000 a month.

OP posts:

Everydayimhuffling · 05/04/2019 21:15

He's either a misogynistic arsehole who thinks you are his property, or he is having a massive overreaction to the idea of your quite grown up kids being cared for by someone who isn't you (including perhaps him sometimes). I'd ask him point blank which it is. If it's the second one then he needs to talk through his fears as rationally as he can manage, and you can together look at if there's anything you can do to minimise whatever risk he is so terrified of.

Original poster

brightnearly · 05/04/2019 21:16

Even if I worked full-time, there's no way I could match him, and our life would have to change drastically.

OP posts:

Fiveredbricks · 05/04/2019 21:18

Nah, OP. His would. You go get a full time job, and boot him out and he can pay you maintenance too on top of all his everyday expenses :)

Sculpin · 05/04/2019 21:19

Tell him to resign then. Or to go part time himself. The arrogant prick.

^ This.

RomanyQueen1 · 05/04/2019 21:21

OMG what a controlling bastard.
I don't only feel sorry for you but I pity your kids, what sort of father doesn't want to care for his kids?
I think your family deserve to be set free, it sounds like prison
LTB

QuaintDuck · 05/04/2019 21:23

Tell him he'd best get his request to go PT in quick. ~then kick him in the dick~

longtimelurkerhelen · 05/04/2019 21:24

@brightnearly

He said: "It doesn't matter what you think, this is how I feel!"

So what about your feelings? Do they not matter as much as his feelings?

Breathtaking misogyny.

ReallyReallyNo · 05/04/2019 21:27

He’s not just unreasonable, he’s a controlling arsehole. Doesn’t matter what you think? Fuck right off with that bollocks right now.
Has he always been such a raging misogynistic cunt badger?

RomanyQueen1 · 05/04/2019 21:30

Why are you with him OP, you sound really nice, and this isn't a partnership at all.
He calls the shots and thinks by saying he'll resign that you'll agree to drop it because you can't earn as much.
I'd rather have a low paid job and struggle than be married to this arsehole.
I don't think a person on here will see his side, he has no argument, just bullying.
Please think long and hard if this is the sort of culture you want your kids to grow up in.
Your opinion does matter, maybe more than his because you seem to be the one having done all the parenting.
What does he do with his kids generally on a day to day basis?

Raver84 · 05/04/2019 21:31

He sounds like a massive bellend. Take the job and see if he quits his. He doesn't like it that you've probably gained confidence and independence. What a prick.

cestlavielife · 05/04/2019 21:32

Ow crazy
Him not you.
The kids will be fine ! How do you pay for groceries clothes etc? Do you have access to the family income?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/04/2019 21:35

He won't resign.

Cushellekoala · 05/04/2019 21:41

I work with my husband.i was a SAHM until my kids went to school. I do have some flexibility regarding school holidays as its our own company but it is hard. My dd is in secondary school and she either spends the day with friends or comes to work with me during holidays but in a year or 2 i will be able to leave her.

OhamIreally · 05/04/2019 21:58

Tell us more about how he was keen for you to work OP?

How did the keenness manifest itself?

If you were to work full time how would that compare with his salary? Yours pro-rata doesn't sound that much less than his to be honest.

If he feels so strongly I agree with PP that he should finish early a couple of days a week.

Let's see if he feels that strongly when it's down to him.

Original poster

brightnearly · 05/04/2019 21:59

What does he do with his kids generally on a day to day basis?

Not much! He gets up, gets himself ready, goes to work, comes home, eats his dinner, watches TV and sleeps.

On the weekend he often says he has to prepare for his work, or rests.

He hardly talks to the DC, if you ask me.

OP posts:

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