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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ungrateful brat

68 replies

Iammotherfromouterspace · 05/04/2019 08:46

Hello there, I don't know where to post but I'm so upset. My DB isn't speaking to me and says he wants me to give him space.
I recently separate from DH and I think he blames me.
We used to be very close, I kept ringing yesterday and got told to stop harassing. Me harassing??!!!!!!?? When DB needs money even though he gets student loan, I give him, clothes, food, for travel to Singapore and US, I gave him!!! I don't understand and I'm so upset. I feel like I'm failed as a mother.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 05/04/2019 08:47

Do you mean DB or DS?

Badwifey · 05/04/2019 08:49

It sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship with your son. Even adult children can struggle when a marriage breaks down. It's sounds as if you feel you are owed something for all the money you chose to spend on him over the years.

DoneLikeAKipper · 05/04/2019 08:50

What do you mean ‘kept ringing’? Were you trying to get hold of him for a particular reason? He may well have felt harassed, especially if he was busy.

Original poster

Iammotherfromouterspace · 05/04/2019 09:05

Honeylulu...I mean DS. Yes, we have always been close, since going to university he hardly spoke to me, except when he needed something. It's not about money because I know he needs help sometimes, it is I don't understand why I am treated this way. First DH moved out now DS, I cry everyday because of this.

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 05/04/2019 09:10

I know you feel upset, but your son asked for space. And what did you do? Kept ringing him.

If I'm upset - even irrationally - my husband leaves me alone. Same for him. Even though it absolutely sucks, please just give him a bit of time, and don't throw around terms like ungrateful brat.

I knew a few people whose parents split whilst they were at university, and it hit them hard.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 05/04/2019 09:17

you son is treating you like a son treats a mother (at this age as a cash machine, basically!), but right now you are wanting your son to act as your friend, which is isn't. He isn't your shoulder to cry on. You really mustn't keep ringing him when he's at uni.

You sound a little - smothering.

RB68 · 05/04/2019 09:22

Your Son needs to break away at the moment - that is his life stage (we call it empty nest syndrome in the UK!) You do need to give him space and accept that he only contacts you when he needs you - one call A WEEK is sufficient from you!!!

I also realise you are in a difficult place t the mement and need support for yourself - if you do not have friends or other relatives that can help then you need to look at professional help.

Its very sad things seem to be falling apart for you at the moement but you need to work on delaing with your emotions around this, setting yourself up with a new way forward (way of living) and a new support network

thetwits · 05/04/2019 09:31

If my DD's ever spoke to me like that they would soon regret it. If you are going to give him things he needs to appreciate what you are doing for him. Remind him its not easy for you to and you are not a door mat for him to use when he needs to wipe his feet. You are his mother not his friend so he should treat you as such.

Tomtontom · 05/04/2019 09:32

What a horrible title, I hope you've not said that to him.

You don't buy someone's love. Respect his wish for privacy.

thetwits · 05/04/2019 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/04/2019 09:35

He’s not ungrateful he’s not a brat he’s a young adult hearing his parents are divorcing
That will hit him hard, he’ll be emotionally up& down and verbally lash out
If he says he needs space give him it,don’t call daily. Leave a I’m here for you type message with a time when you’ll next call eg 2/3 weeks and that he can call you anytime

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/04/2019 09:37

You recently separated from DH (his dad?) This will have been tough on your DS (as well as yourself obvs). He has asked you to give him space. I suggest you do so. He is probably hurting and needs a bit of time. He is also young, probably immature, and constant calls from you will not be helping.

StarlightIntheNight · 05/04/2019 09:39

It is normal for children when they go to Uni to become a bit more independent and distant...not financially, but emotionally. When I went to Uni, I spoke less to my mom the first couple of years. Its just a phase, as you are busy with school and new friends etc. After a couple years, we resumed back to talking a few times a week. But my mom never said anything, she understood and gave me the space. I am thankful for that. Now we talk every day. I make more of an effort, now that I am older.

IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 09:39

It sounds as if your DS is just growing up and wanting to separate emotionally from you. That’s normal!

Please try to remember that you’re his parent; he’s not yours and he’s not your friend or a partner. It’s not his job to listen to your woes, I’m afraid.

My dd is at uni and she’s a lot busier than I am, so I wait for her to contact me OR I text to see how she is, but tell her it’s not urgent so no need to reply. It’s about respecting her space, which it sounds like your DS is trying to get you to do.

The money you give him shouldn’t have strings attached. If you don’t want to give it to him, don’t.

Why did you keep ringing him?

IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 09:40

Go and work in an old peoples home and count how many non English people are being cared for. You might find the odd one or two. What does that tell you about this country and what they think of there parents.

Er - what?

Lweji · 05/04/2019 09:41

since going to university he hardly spoke to me, except when he needed something

Welcome to parenting.

Also, why are you giving him everything he wants? Travel to Singapore and US? Why?

How often do you expect to be in contact with your DS?

MaroonFlame · 05/04/2019 09:42

I went through this as a young adult. My DF owed me closed to a million in CSA payments as he was self employed so gave me quite a lot of money in my late teens. I saw it as guilt and he was incapable of being emotional so he thought that was how to show ‘love’. When things finally came to ahead as he was being abusive and not bothering to even send me a text, he tried to minimise his behaviours by saying ‘oh but I bought you this and paid for this’. Please don’t ever be that person because you will really mess your DS up and possibly break your relationship. I cannot and never will be bought, my DF could have spent billions on me and I’d still cut him off if he was being toxic. I haven’t spoken to him in 4 months now, don’t let the same happen with your DS

Lweji · 05/04/2019 09:43

And why did you keep ringing him yesterday? Was it urgent?

musicposy · 05/04/2019 09:49

Give him some space to get over the break up, I'm sure he needs time to process his feelings. I agree with RB68, once a week is enough for contact when they're at uni - unless they contact you! I'd also text rather than phone as it's less invasive.
DD is at uni, first year this year. Sometimes I won't hear for a week and I'll text and say "how's it going?" I don't pester for an answer. Then sometimes I get flurries of texts from her. And yes, it can be when she wants support or something! But you don't buy their love - I assume you gave those things out of a genuine wish to help him.

If you feel he's ungrateful for the things you give, you don't need to give them in future. But you can't use that to hold him to ransom to contact you or be your prop to cope with losing DH.

It's hard at times when they move away, and you have it doubly hard at the moment, I get it. But they do need to spread their wings and it doesn't mean you've failed.

adulthumanwolf · 05/04/2019 09:52

He asked for some space, so you phoned him repeatedly?

Zoflorabore · 05/04/2019 09:54

What has old people in a care home got to do with this thread?!

Talk about sweeping statements too....

Depends entirely on the local demographic surely?

Nomorepies · 05/04/2019 09:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Margot33 · 05/04/2019 09:55

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's best to leave your son alone. Give him space. Maybe he has other things going on in his life. He will call you when he is ready. Still send him cards for birthdays and Christmas to Show you're still thinking of him. Maybe you can fill in your spare time with some voluntry work? If you feel lonely that will help you.

QforCucumber · 05/04/2019 09:58

Did you call him an ungrateful brat to his face too?

Snog · 05/04/2019 09:59

It sounds really difficult for you and a lonely and hurt place to be.

I would suggest trying to rebuild your life as an empty nester and create new and stronger friendships and I would recommend that you have a counsellor to discuss how you feel and to support you.

Your son is not finding things easy either and if he asked for space you should give it to him. It is natural for him to become less close to you at this age but it doesn't make it easy on you.

He isn't a brat though and it isn't up to him to make you feel better.

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