Ungrateful brat

[Iammotherfromouterspace]

Hello there, I don't know where to post but I'm so upset. My DB isn't speaking to me and says he wants me to give him space.
I recently separate from DH and I think he blames me.
We used to be very close, I kept ringing yesterday and got told to stop harassing. Me harassing??!!!!!!?? When DB needs money even though he gets student loan, I give him, clothes, food, for travel to Singapore and US, I gave him!!! I don't understand and I'm so upset. I feel like I'm failed as a mother.

I too had several friends at uni whose parents separated at that time, and they did find it extremely hard. I think often young children adjust more easily than young adults do. When you are at uni it is all new, different, you are starting to make your way in the world, and meeting lots of new people, trying different thing. I think you always assume that home will remain the "same". That nothing will change, and it will always be exactly the same when you go back.

Give your DS the space he is asking for. He will contact you when he is ready. No uni student will want their mum constantly ringing anyhow. If you do contact him, perhaps message him, so he can respond when he is ready. Is he having any contact with his dad?

Honestly, I'm sure you haven't failed as a mother. He is doing what he should be doing - going off to uni, having fun and keeping busy. By facilitating his ability to live independently you have helped him. I do wonder about all the money you are handing over though.

Give him the space he has requested, but remember that he wasn't there for you when you expected him to be. Therefore, if/when he does contact you, make sure it is to see how you are, etc. if he is calling you only to ask for something, i.e. money, food, clothes, etc. reply that you are busy and will speak soon.

I realise this may be hard for you but you must take care of yourself and if that means being on your own, doing things on your own, making your own decisions, so be it.

Things will get easier, please don't be dependant on others, stand up for yourself.

Give him the space he has requested, but remember that he wasn't there for you when you expected him to be. Therefore, if/when he does contact you, make sure it is to see how you are, etc. if he is calling you only to ask for something, i.e. money, food, clothes, etc. reply that you are busy and will speak soon.

Agree with this. My parents gave my brother everything he asked for and now he is 30 and he still has no respect. Same with my partners brother his mother gave him everything and he is also a wanker and he's 50.

If he done this to his wife or girlfriend it would be called coercive.

Give him the space he has requested, but remember that he wasn't there for you when you expected him to be. Therefore, if/when he does contact you, make sure it is to see how you are, etc. if he is calling you only to ask for something, i.e. money, food, clothes, etc. reply that you are busy and will speak soon.

This is still buying his love.

You should give him what you want to give, or not, regardless.
But I wouldn't (and don't) give my DS everything he asks for. I don't think it's good for children to be given everything they want just because.
I also manage quite well to separate our relationship as people or mother and son from the financial support I give as his mother.

I also think that some people on here don't really understand the state of being a student - he's an adult (though that of course is just a number - I think there's research out to say the brain doesn't finishing maturing until around 25) but a dependant adult. Neither one thing nor the other. Living away from home for the first time.

It's all quite a head fuck, the first year at uni.

And now his parents have split up so the security of home is uncertain. And his mother is constantly ringing him. And he is not the person to provide that kind of emotional support, especially as he appears to blame his mother for the split and for all we know may well have a point.

Everything is speculation, given the lack of info from the OP. We are all just making our best guess.

also think that some people on here don't really understand the state of being a student - he's an adult (though that of course is just a number - I think there's research out to say the brain doesn't finishing maturing until around 25) but a dependant adult. Neither one thing nor the other. Living away from home for the first time.

Again, there is a large percentage of Mners who are under the age of 25. I think there would be a lot less pussy footing around if this was a daughter instead of a son. Most of us understand what being a student means and most of understand what moving away from home means as a teenager. Some of us were actually expected to fund ourshit ourselves.

He isn’t ungrateful your needy and relying on him as a friend rather than him being able to rely on you as a parent. If it was his dad he is caught in the middle ( I have been there at 21 and it’s HORRIBLE and mentally draining). Why are you calling him over and over unless it’s an emergency leave a message and let him call you back end off.

My bloke went to university while owning his first property and working all at the same time. My mother even commented on how hard he works. Not everyone is as dedicated to hard work as him not even my DDad. Depending on the degree he is studying it doesn't guarantee you a job. There are plenty of people out there who have gone to university and are now working in bars years later.

His mother was a single parent and he respected how hard she worked. No matter how much she pissed him off he would never say a bad word to her. On the other side is his brother but maybe that is the secret to his success if you know how to respect your mother you will treat others the same way. Learning how to talk to people with respect and there showing you none is a skill on its own. The customer is always right.

I think there would be a lot less pussy footing around if this was a daughter instead of a son.

There was a recent thread with a DD who didn't want contact with her mother. The OP on that one was firmly told to leave her DD alone.

Good Afternoon, thank you everybody for advice and listening. My English is not great but you listen to me because nobody listen to me. My DH English gentleman I am not but DS all I have in life.
I am thinking differently that maybe I am too much for DS as he is working hard at university and I want him not to worry.
So I leave him alone but I am still sad and I am still cry. Thank you x x

You can’t rely on your son to be all you have in life. That is completely unfair on him. Children naturally grow up and make their own way. You need to find new things for your life to centre on. Let him make his way.
The money? Don’t offer more than you want to or can afford and certainly never give it with strings attached.

So I leave him alone but I am still sad and I am still cry
That's the right thing to do. You are not the only mother to ever feel like this and a lot of mother's struggle to find their identity when their children leave home but it will get better.
You have to give him space because the more you try to pull him to you the further you will push him away. He will be back but it's not fair to expect him to carry the responsibility of being the only thing in your life.
Now is your time, start living for yourself. Think about what you want to do with the rest of your life and do it. This is a beginning not an end.

Of course you are sad, and crying!

Have you friends, or family that will give you the kindness and support you need and want?

It's obviously early days, and quite possibly you didn't want your marriage to end, or see it coming. But ultimately, you're going to need to carve out a new life, filled with new things and people - maybe there's hobbies you'd like to try, groups you could join (maybe an English as a Second Language group, or cultural group?), a church?

And do think about that counselling, it might help you work through your sadness and anger.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Healthwise, and making sure you get what you're entitled to in the settlement. Maybe some legal advice if you haven't already had it?

Do take care. It's very hard, whether you were the one who decided to end it, or the one who has to come to terms with the other party deciding that they no longer want to continue the relationship.

It is very hard for all of you, and you and your DS are dealing with it each in your own way.

He wants some space. You need to give him that even though it is very hard. If you do usually have a close relationship then he will come back to you when he feels ready.

Are you perhaps in danger of wanting your DS to be your shoulder to cry on? Could that be what is making him so uncomfortable? If so then I think it is even more important to give him some space.

You need to find some other real life support here. A child going off to uni is a hard time, both for them and for the parents because letting go is very hard. You are in that position, but additionally you have also separated from your DH, which adds a whole other layer of difficult feelings.

Do you have other family or friends you could confide in?

It's hard when you DC move on. Empty nest syndrome. I have three grown children. And it is hurtful when they don't reply to you or want to speak to you. Or only want/ need you when it suits them. But we have to accept it's part of being/ becoming an adult. We no longer figure as much in there lives as we once did. Doesn't however stop us worrying about them. Or wanting and needing to be part of there lives.

My now 27 year old son told me just the other day "I'm a big boy now Mum" ..... and I replied with "I know you are but that will never stop me wanting to be a part of your life".

You need to have a conversation with your DS and tell him how you feel. Keep the lines of communication open.

All ways one . Need a degree to use mumsnet.

thetwits

You missed the point.