Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Ungrateful brat

68 replies

Iammotherfromouterspace · 05/04/2019 08:46

Hello there, I don't know where to post but I'm so upset. My DB isn't speaking to me and says he wants me to give him space.
I recently separate from DH and I think he blames me.
We used to be very close, I kept ringing yesterday and got told to stop harassing. Me harassing??!!!!!!?? When DB needs money even though he gets student loan, I give him, clothes, food, for travel to Singapore and US, I gave him!!! I don't understand and I'm so upset. I feel like I'm failed as a mother.

OP posts:

Mememeplease · 05/04/2019 10:00

Were you wanting support and sympathy from him because you are emotionally upset? He is upset too and if he blames you for the divorce then it's going to be very hard for him to give you the support and validation that you want.

I'd give him the space when he asks for it and then eventually say that you know it's difficult for him being split in the middle of two parents he loves. That you wish it could be different but the situation is as it is. That blame is on both sides but lets move on as the adults you all now are.
Don't off load your worries and moans on him. He loves his dad, he doesn't want to hear you moaning about him or the situation.

Keep conversation bright and breezy, acknowledging that it's still hard for everyone but that you know it will get easier in the future. Don't get bogged down in analysing stuff unless he leads it, and even then don't attach blame to anyone or focus on your own emotions too much. Focus on him
.

M4J4 · 05/04/2019 10:00

Stop giving him everything he asks for then he may appreciate you more!

He's over 18, an adult!

AnneOfCleanTables · 05/04/2019 10:01

Your DS isn't your support network in your break-up and you shouldn't be trying to work out 'which side' he's going to take. It's not about sides.

Call your parents, your siblings, your friends for support, to cry, to vent. Start a thread on here in relationships asking for support.

Give your DS space.

thetwits · 05/04/2019 10:01

She is not buying his love her son has a very selfish attitude. If he treated anyone else like that at university they would drop him or maybe he is and that is what has happened. Don't give him nothing make him work for it. He needs to learn what it takes to earn his way and then he will appreciate it more. You need to close the bank of mum.

Lizzie48 · 05/04/2019 10:21

You're pushing him too hard. He's asked you for space and you should respect that request. He will be upset that his parents have split up and he needs time to process that. I hope you haven't told him to his face that you think he's a brat, because if you have there's a good chance you won't hear from him again.

This is also a time when he's spreading his wings and won't want his mum constantly calling him.

Don't keep giving him money whenever he wants it, as that smacks of trying to buy his love. You're not doing him any favours either, as he needs to learn to manage his money.

IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 10:31

@thetwits If he treated anyone else like that at university they would drop him

What, trying to set boundaries? Asking for a bit of space? FGS. 🙄

thetwits · 05/04/2019 10:38

He is not setting boundaries he is telling her to stop harassing him. Is she his friend or his mother. What child says that to a parent apart from one that shows no respect. I am a mother to 4 children and they would never dream of talking to me like that.

Would your children talk to you like that?

thetwits · 05/04/2019 10:40

Don't keep giving him money whenever he wants it, as that smacks of trying to buy his love.

Has she just met him?

IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 10:44

Would your children talk to you like that?

My dd wouldn’t need to ask me to stop harassing her because I respect her as an adult. I also don’t treat her like my mate or a counsellor because that’s not her job.

Lweji · 05/04/2019 10:49

Would your children talk to you like that?

If I rang him several times over the course of one day, I'm pretty sure he would.
Mine is a teenager.

I wonder if those who don't expect their children to speak to them like that have a child over 10.

thetwits · 05/04/2019 10:52

we have always been close, since going to university he hardly spoke to me, except when he needed something.
Op's post

When she does try to get hold of him she's harassing him. There was no boundaries to begin with. Where did you read she is using him as a councillor.

thetwits · 05/04/2019 10:54

I wonder if those who don't expect their children to speak to them like that have a child over 10.

Am I in the minority.

PrincessAndThePee · 05/04/2019 10:54

Yes, we have always been close, since going to university he hardly spoke to me, except when he needed something.

Maybe you don't need to be there to answer the phone everytime he wants the bank of mum.

I wonder if those who don't expect their children to speak to them like that have a child over 10.

He isn't a child though. He's an adult. Like the posters on MN. And no, I wouldn't expect to speak to like that to someone who was bankrolling me as an adult.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 05/04/2019 10:55

counsellor (sorry, but if you're going to pontificate online you'd better make sure you can spell)

Her whole post is saying I want my son to answer his phone whenever I call because I need him as my husband has just left, and I am not going to respect his boundaries and the fact that he is also dealing with this split as well (as well as the fact that, you know, he's presumably got lectures and tutorials and whatnot).

PrincessAndThePee · 05/04/2019 10:56

There are plenty of posters on MN who are the exact age of the OP's son. They would ripped to shreds if they posted the reverse of this.

"My mother left my dad and I don't want to talk to her anymore. I do however need her to fund my trip to Singapore and the states this year. AIBU? "

Lizzie48 · 05/04/2019 10:56

Okay, maybe not the best way of putting it, @thetwits but I had parents who behaved like this. I'm probably projecting to a certain extent, it was my F who did wanted to pay for everything and in his case it was about control. (He was abusive in other ways whilst we were growing up.)

I do stand by what I said that the OP isn't doing her DS any favours by giving him so much money. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

Lweji · 05/04/2019 10:58

He isn't a child though. He's an adult.

Exactly. Children are less likely to complain about parents ringing repeatedly.
Whereas adults may have something going on and may not be available to take whatever calls their parents decide they must make.
Bankrolling or not.

For all we know, the OP could have been ringing during classes, or when her DS was with his mates or a possible girlfriend.

He does not have to answer you when you want to. If you can't respect him, don't expect him to respect you. And, BTW, saying to "stop harassing" is not lack of respect in my book.

OKBobble · 05/04/2019 10:58

If your DH is his father perhaps he doesn't want to have to take sides in your separation. If he is at uni perhaps he is busy revising or doing his dissertation. Leave him be, stop bothering him to the extent that he feels harassed

MargoLovebutter · 05/04/2019 11:00

Iammotherfromouterspace it sounds as though you have a lot going on at the moment and some of it is distressing and really tough for you. This is really normal during a separation from what sounds like it could be a long term relationship.

Your DS is an adult now and he's doing his thing at Uni, living his own life and spreading his wings.

It sounds as though you were really desperate to speak to him for some reason and even though he asked for space, you didn't feel able to give it to him and so you repeatedly called him to the point where he got angry and accused you of harassing him.

So now things have deteriorated between you and your DS and you are bringing up a whole load of separate issues and adding them to your disappointment at not being able to speak to him and it is making you feel as though he is ungrateful for everything you do.

I think if you want to have a good relationship with your DS going forwards you might need to think about how you communicate with him and what you are prepared to do for him. If you are paying for things that you don't think you should and you think he is taking advantage of you financially, then have that conversation with him and set out what you feel comfortable with - after all it is your money. You might also want to set some ground rules about not involving him in your break up with your partner/husband and maybe agree how many times a week you'd like to keep in touch.

Lweji · 05/04/2019 11:00

How is the DS not speaking with the OP anymore but still seems to ask for things?
Perhaps that should have been in the past, or "not speaking" is a wild exaggeration, as in "doesn't speak to me every day anymore".

Lweji · 05/04/2019 11:02

And I hope you're not emotionally blackmailing him, OP.
Or using him as your emotional crutches during the break up.
If you do expect him to take sides, you'll only push him further away.

thetwits · 05/04/2019 11:02

counsellor (sorry, but if you're going to pontificate online you'd better make sure you can spell)

I'm not allowed to share my opinion or my experience as a parent. You don't know how he is feeling you are speculating. It could be he is stressed over exams. There is a lot of work and exams to be done so maybe its that. It doesn't excuse his attitude.

mbosnz · 05/04/2019 11:06

I hope my children would be able to tell me if they were finding the way I was trying to communicate with them, or what I seemed to be asking of them deeply uncomfortable or upsetting. In fact, I know they would. And I would respect that, and look at why what I was saying and doing was making them feel like that.

My children are 13 and 15. They have been brought up to be respectful - and in turn to know and believe they have the right be treated in a respectful manner - and that includes by their parents too.

OP is obviously very stressed, upset, and hurt. She is seeking comfort in the wrong place. It is not her son's place to soothe her stress, upset, and hurt. He is also affected by his parents divorce, upset, stressed, and hurt. She needs to look elsewhere for that kind of support, whether by having professional counselling, looking to her peer group family or above (her siblings or parents), or her friends. Not her child who has loyalty and feelings to both his parents. He shouldn't be feeling any more asked to choose or stuck in the middle than he already is.

OP doesn't have to give her son money for things she doesn't want to. I would suggest it would be far better not to give, than to give with strings, bitterness and reproach.

If I were OP, I'd be wanting to do as much as I could to ensure there wasn't permanent damage to the relationship between myself and my child in this extremely turbulent period - for them both.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2019 11:08

His parents have split up - its a massive deal to him and he needs time to process on his own. Hence his need for space. You need to give it to him

Lizzie48 · 05/04/2019 11:13

He asked her for some space, not to stop calling altogether. That actually isn't an unreasonable request. He doesn't appear to have been rude or unkind to her.

Flip

1 2 3