AIBU to think this is an odd request from a new work colleague?

[Jellyhater]

I work in residential care and have just employed a new member of staff. We discussed sleep-ins and she said that she would be able to do one a month on average but would try to be as flexible as possible.

She is now saying that sleep-ins are going to be a problem for her as the other member of staff on duty for that shift is male. He will be in another bedroom at the other end of the house if he is sleeping in, or will be working in the office/ laundry area if he is doing a waking night shift.

She has asked that I facilitate her husband being able to meet this particular member of staff to alleviate his anxieties about her being away from home. There are other men that work in the home, so any of them could cover this shift at any point - does the husband want to vet the whole staff team?!

I want to be a sarky cow and remind her that she had many weeks to tell me that this is going to cause problems but has chosen not to. I am feeling a bit frustrated that she thinks she can manipulate the roster to her benefit and that she is implying that the male staff are not trustworthy. I absolutely will not be arranging any meetings for the husband. A tiny part of me is concerned that this might be some kind of DV issue.

I've not been able to discuss this with anyone at work but AIBU to think she is probably going to be more trouble than she is worth?

It’s really important you don’t give this request any airtime.

Although it may seem mean, colluding with her in everything going out of their way to try and keep an abusive man happy, will strengthen the status quo and legitimize a very unacceptable state of affairs.

You’d be indulging this man, and unfortunately by extension, this woman, who’s only impulse is to make him happy. So unwittingly you and your staff will get pulled into a circus show of epic proportions, where all your employees end up changing their behaviors in order to also just make this man happy... and if his desires are seen as important enough to mold the businesses behavior like that, I wonder where the residents needs come in this new pecking order?

And all this huge amount of trouble would be both highly unprofessional, leaving the business open to all sorts of issues, and also not help a potentially abused woman at all.

OP, you have no choice to sit down with her and explain (again) that sleep in duties are part of the job and that this has been made clear previously.

Ask her if there are any specific concerns she / her partner would like to raise with you as you may be able to reassure her / her partner if so. For example, if there are concerns about her safety, she could be issued with a personal alarm / keep a phone next to her.

Other than that, there is no choice is there? She either does the job with sleep in duties or resigns and finds a job that will meet her needs.

Your boss is being an idiot. What sort of intervention is calling a meeting with staff and their partners...to say what exactly?? At least you have the common sense and good judgement not to take his bad advice!

Exactly what WellThisIsShit says!

You can’t enable this for many reasons.

I think my boss was thinking more along the social side. Great. Let’s bring alcohol into the mix!

Also - who does he think will be looking after the residents whilst we are all out being vetted and approved by the husband?! I should write a book!

Maybe you could ask your boss what you would do if the husband didn't approve of one of her colleagues.

My guess is that your boss has no clue about DV and coercive control.

she sounds like a pain the butt tbh. This would not be a normal part of work explaining to a spouse.
In fact you should not do it as it is ridiculous.
If she cannot actually do the job she is told to do because of weird mind games in the background then it's her problem.

I think I would just point out that all employees undergo appropriate vetting and security checks at the point of employment so there is no need for any further vetting. Your boss isn't being helpful at all. It does sound like there could be DV issues, but could also be an excuse to say no to nights if she thinks you wont agree to the meetings

Actually my friend's dh worked in this set up and had an affair. She'd never want him doing that again. It sounds controlling but without knowing the history I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.

@m0therofdragons if your friend's DH slept with a coworker at work whilst on duty in a carehome, he & the other party, would have lost their jobs for gross misconduct and there likely would be a safeguarding enquiry. They'd find it very difficult to get a reference. If they were nursing staff, they'd be facing a professional register misconduct hearing too.

There's actually a criminal offence in there in certain circumstances.

Give notice? How caring of you !😏

@OffToBedhampton you'd think wouldn't you, however both got to continue in their jobs - both qualified social workers! He left by choice. It was in 2005.

It was in 2005.
I think a lot has changed since then tbh.

I’m still feeling like I’ve been played

I can't say I blame you, Jelly, and frankly our boss sounds deranged. No need to worry about whether you see HR before her - if she pushes it, just say you're "taking advice"

Overall it's worth remembering that you're involved in a business, not a DV charity, counselling service or whatever. Nothing wrong with being helpful where you can and signposting support - lord knows I've done it often enough - but in the end her personal issues really aren't your problem

YOUR boss, not "our" boss - duuuhhh!!!

I honestly don't work for the same one, which is probably just as well ...

Regardless of her home life. She is discriminating herself against Male colleagues. She may have been raped or assaulted etc. What I would do is sit her down and as she has raised the matter, have a manager - employee talk. She is in a professional environment and is acting in a strange manner. Is she a good worker? She cannot make demands such as these, as this would be in breach of colleagues rights in law. Also, what about the people she works for such as patients etc..

Too add she is being unreasonable. Check the employment she signed and point out that she was informed of working with males and nights at the interview.

What I would do is reply to the email by saying something along the lines of ‘I regret to inform you that this cannot be accommodated and remind you that all of our staff are DBS checked and we follow the Safer Recruiting guidelines’.

Then talk to her when she’s next in. Offer to support her if she feels the need to speak to anyone regarding the issues that have led to this request.

Absolutely ridiculous to even entertain for a second that the husband should be allowed to vet the male colleagues. Incredibly sexist - it's assuming all men are potential rapists or sexual predators or men that can't be trusted not to try and jump into bed with his wife.

Exactly.

If I was the male colleague in this situation I'd be so beyond insulted and angry at the obvious implications in this email, that I'd raise an official grievance if the workplace facilitated this insane request.

OP, your boss sounds as unreasonable as this woman. Even if she is a DV victim, that's zero excuse for anyone to imply that a random male colleague should be treated as though he's a violent thug.

I was speaking to someone who works in a care home and they said this is actually quite common. "Oh, dh won't let me work nights." "Oh, dh says I can't work weekends." "Dh says I can't work Christmas/Easter/kids' birthdays/Mondays/Tuesdays..."

All said of course after they have been hired.

I was speaking to someone who works in a care home and they said this is actually quite common. "Oh, dh won't let me work nights." "Oh, dh says I can't work weekends." "Dh says I can't work Christmas/Easter/kids' birthdays/Mondays/Tuesdays..."

All said of course after they have been hired
Oh so true!on not in a care home but we have two people on a sleepover and my boss has heard all these lines!
Thankfully she has managed to weed out the sheerkers during gthe probationary period!

It's probably as someone said before, they've taken MN advice of accepting the job knowing they cant commit and thinking they can negotiate afterwards!
Our boss does us really fair shifts and swoops if we need then.she will also let us not work a certain night shirt term if it helps us out but these people that try to re write their contract soon find out you dont take the piss out of her!!!

Yes I’ve had a fair few colleagues over the years whose husbands don’t want them working nights, weekends, bank holidays etc. On the whole they tend to be the sort of men who work Monday to Friday and just don’t want to be looking after their own kids alone.

You cannot plan an off duty with some staff getting every weekend off to suit their husband as then someone will be left working every weekend to cover it

Any update OP?

You feel like you are being played for a reason.
I’d bottom this out ASAP and cut her loose before end of probation. This stuff doesn’t resolve just gets worse.
Also get onto HR ASAP today and don’t listen to your boss and his awful advice

Good luck!

I think she's a CF. She took the job knowing full well what the role entails and is now trying to get out of it.
I'd send a straight forward email as suggested up thread reminding her that at interview she had agreed to work her share of nights and that having her h come in to approve other staff members is inappropriate.
Her culture or domestic arrangements don't take priority over everything else. Your other employees shouldn't have increased night work because this brand new employee won't do her job and neither should they be exposed to either her nutter of a husband or her own cheeky fuckery.

If it was any kind of religious or cultural requirement, it would include all male staff, and male residents too.

The role requires overnights. All staff are DBS checked. She is your employee, her husband is nothing to do with you and cannot demand meetings with staff. There's no business justification.