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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is an odd request from a new work colleague?

243 replies

Jellyhater · 04/04/2019 21:05

I work in residential care and have just employed a new member of staff. We discussed sleep-ins and she said that she would be able to do one a month on average but would try to be as flexible as possible.

She is now saying that sleep-ins are going to be a problem for her as the other member of staff on duty for that shift is male. He will be in another bedroom at the other end of the house if he is sleeping in, or will be working in the office/ laundry area if he is doing a waking night shift.

She has asked that I facilitate her husband being able to meet this particular member of staff to alleviate his anxieties about her being away from home. There are other men that work in the home, so any of them could cover this shift at any point - does the husband want to vet the whole staff team?!

I want to be a sarky cow and remind her that she had many weeks to tell me that this is going to cause problems but has chosen not to. I am feeling a bit frustrated that she thinks she can manipulate the roster to her benefit and that she is implying that the male staff are not trustworthy. I absolutely will not be arranging any meetings for the husband. A tiny part of me is concerned that this might be some kind of DV issue.

I've not been able to discuss this with anyone at work but AIBU to think she is probably going to be more trouble than she is worth?

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 05/04/2019 18:19

@ralphfromlordoftheflies
I don't think that necessarily follows, I'm often surprised by excuses people use at work not to do part of their contract, but it is difficult to judge which it is.

The idea DBS checked staff, including a female carer can't safely do sleepover where a male carer is also working night (probably waking night) /sleeping over in separate room , as they might have sexual relations whilst on duty in a carehome with vulnerable residents, is ridiculous and would be basis for gross dismissal if it occurred - so it is a very strange worry for her DP to "reportedly" have (if that is the intimation) !!!

OffToBedhampton · 05/04/2019 18:21

*gross misconduct and instant dismissal, I meant!

Pinkerbells · 05/04/2019 18:24

I know this sounds daft, but surely you have male residents. If that is the case, I'm pretty sure that rules out religion/culture as she would still be sleeping somewhere with men that she is not married to iyswim. Having also come from a very jealous relationship in the past, there is not normally an age barrier to that jealousy. So the fact that she is spending time with, and presumably providing personal care to your gentlemen would probably also cause problems, but maybe that is just in my experience

IrmaFayLear · 05/04/2019 18:25

The fact that she was humming and haaaing about nights before she started is telling. I think it's just an excuse.

I have seen numerous threads on here urging a poster to take a job and then "negotiate with the employer" about the more onerous/anti-social aspects of the job, usually regarding hours of work.

I think the dh thing is an excuse. I have heard people say, "Oh, my dh wouldn't like me to work late," etc etc. I don't think the dh gives a fig; it's the employee who doesn't want to work late.

PurplePenguins · 05/04/2019 18:39

I would be very concerned this is DV having been there. My ex would demand to see my rota and I didn't lie to him (why I don't know but I didn't). He had access to my bank account and apparently I was very confident and self assured which shocked people when everything came out. I also preferred to email rather than talk. I would write and rewrite emails so I had said what I needed to without slipping up.

Brienneoftarthiloveyou · 05/04/2019 18:39

I agree @IrmaFayLear I had a male employee who always claimed his wife wouldn't let him work late, cover the standby requirements of the role or leave early to get to meetings that were quite far away but which started at 9am. (Bearing in mind he was in a relatively senior managerial role earning >£50k so all reasonable requirements that the other managers at his level had to do).

When I challenged him and said I didn't care what his wife would allow him to do, the requirements of the role meant he had to do his fair share or find another role, he soon sorted himself out and did the job. I doubt his wife ever gave a fig, but blaming her allowed him to say no and act innocent in things whilst everyone covered for him. He retired soon after (in his early 50s - final salary pension scheme so nice hefty package) so I think he'd planned to coast for as long as he could get away with it and blaming his wife was his way of doing the bare minimum.

ForalltheSaints · 05/04/2019 18:43

My first suspicion was it was a ruse to avoid doing the overnight shift as if there were religious reasons or a child with SN it would have been mentioned a lot sooner. However, reading the replies makes me wonder if there is DV, coercive control or some other reason.

Regardless, the answer to the request should be no.

sonjadog · 05/04/2019 18:45

If this were my workplace and my boss asked me to meet a colleague's partner so that they could vet me, I would refuse point blank. It is actually quite insulting.

I agree it sounds like it could well be a sign of a seriously disfunctional relationship.

VampireSlayer19 · 05/04/2019 18:49

Sounds very concerning- you can’t chabge working practises but I would try and speak to her alone and ask exactly what her husbands concerns are?

Then go from there.

Boysey45 · 05/04/2019 19:18

When you apply for those of jobs you know what it entails. You don't take the job then start trying to call the shots.
I'd just talk to HR and say to the lady this is what happens and if she cant do it then her contract is terminated.

LoudJazzHands · 05/04/2019 20:10

My £ says that either he doesn't know anything about her request or that she's said to him 'I'm going to pretend you're not happy because I don't fancy it' and he's said 'okay' because he wants a quiet life!

I think that might be the case. She's pretty certain OP will deny her request then the staff member will say "Oh sorry, then my husband won't let me do overnights." (IMO anyway).

Even if OP did say yes to the meeting I bet the woman will come up with a reason for it to not happen after all.

Nearly47 · 05/04/2019 20:11

Maybe it is nothing to do with her husband and it's just her not keen to stay overnight alone with a male employee.

nuxe1984 · 05/04/2019 20:19

Maybe this is a DV issue.
Maybe her husband is just a bit controlling without it actually being DV.
Maybe she's been attacked/raped in the past and isn't comfortable with the sleep-in.
Maybe she doesn't want to do it and is using her husband as an excuse.
Maybe she lied about being able to do the shifts just to get the job and is now trying to find a way of not doing them.
Who knows!

I would suggest you tell her that you can't put the other colleague in the position of feeling uncomfortable/being vetted, etc. by introducing him to her husband. Ask her if there are any problems at home that would prevent her from doing an overnight shift or if there is a cultural/religious reason.
Point out that night shifts were mentioned at the interview and she was happy that they were part of the job.

Gone4Good · 05/04/2019 20:33

Sound to me as if she's, in a round about fashion, accusing the care home of having a potential male sex offender spending nights with female residents/clients. I'd give her the boot.

Gone4Good · 05/04/2019 20:34

Maybe all the male relatives of the female residents should spend the night as well.

JaneEyre07 · 05/04/2019 20:53

Even if she is in an abusive relationship, that's her issue and not yours.

I think a simple "you either work the agreed shifts or you cannot continue in the job" would cover it.

It's bad enough she's tiptoeing around her partner let alone you and other members of staff having to as well.

newtlover · 05/04/2019 21:09

Jane, I'm going to be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt as you clearly know nothing about domestic abuse, for which you should consider yourself lucky.
Violence against women and children is everyone's issue.

FermatsTheorem · 05/04/2019 21:15

Actually, I can see why Jane is saying that. As I said upthread, I'm coming at this from watching my sister spend 20 years in an abusive marriage (and trying to help, and having that help - up to and including housing - rejected).

Ultimately no matter how much help people try to offer - emotional, practical, legal - the only person who can leave an abusive marriage/relationship is the woman herself. And the only thing it's in OP's power to do is to crumble to the woman's husband's request (which she's already decided, very sensibly IMO, not to do) - which wouldn't actually help, because colluding in the husband's bonkers request would simply serve to normalise the situation in the employee's mind. At least if she turns the request down, it may begin to raise thoughts in the employee's mind of "hang on a moment, other people don't think my husband's request is normal and reasonable."

Totaldogsbody · 05/04/2019 21:44

I would want to sit down with her and talk the situation over. Did she agree to overnight stays at the interview stage? If she did then why is there a problem now? I would explain that If she wishes to continue in her new role then she would need to be available yo work nights with her male colleagues. You could gauge the situation during your chat If it is a case of an over jealous husband or abusive relationship then you could maybe advise her of steps to take to get herself out of that situation although this could be very tricky. I see you're going to chat with HR that's a good move.

Original poster
Jellyhater · 05/04/2019 21:56

My boss, who is male, is being spectacularly peculiar about this situation. He wants me to sit down and talk to her about it and maybe organise a gathering for staff and their partners! I told that I would not be doing that - ever! 🤦🏽‍♀️

This is what I’m up against!!!

Didn’t get chance to speak to HR. Monday. And I see her on Tuesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyhater · 05/04/2019 21:58

She did agree to sleep ins at both interviews and in discussions with me after that. That would have been the ultimate chance to say that they wouldn’t be possible and maybe create some reason - childcare, caring responsibilities for others, dog, transport, faiths reasons, whatever.

I’m still feeling like I’ve been played.

OP posts:
MrsPear · 05/04/2019 22:06

I’ve only read page one but I read ops response at 21 41. It could be me. I’m confident, have a bank account in my name etc. But there is no way h would accept a sleep in with a male colleague. He would say he does but his behaviour would say otherwise. As an example he has been angry and snappy today. Finding faults. I know why. I’ve been busy outside the home - just at school events without him. Would anyone guess my home life? No.

MrsPear · 05/04/2019 22:09

My point op is she may well have said yes and been confident. But then she goes home and mentions it. Notices the change in behaviour and you re check your behaviour. I have made this mistake of getting over confident- usually in a good patch - and then I get the reminders.

Goldmandra · 05/04/2019 22:35

Mrs Pear,

You know you deserve a lot better, don't you?

How are you going to remove yourself from this relationship?

Thanks
JustHereForThePooStories · 05/04/2019 22:37

Perhaps her husband is just genuinely worried about her? It doesn't have to be any more sinister than that? Perhaps she's gone home and told him she's worried and anxious and him being a supportive partner has said well why don't I come in and meet them to help put your fears at rest?

But to what end?

If the husband comes in to meet the male employee, how do you think it’ll go?

Husband: Are you going to try to sleep with my wife?
Male Employee: No
Husband: Great so, thanks for confirming.